Ghyll:Conflict That Is Not Happening

Introduction

If everything that has been written about the Conflict That Is Not Happening is true, it is certainly the oldest, most complex, and most difficult-to-understand social institution in the whole of Ghyll history, or prehistory for that matter. Indeed, some scholars have traced it as far back as the ancient Battle of Barnum Stones, though others hold that extending the Conflict before -200 EC is illegitimate, or at any rate of doubtful validity.

The name usually given to the Conflict, when it is referred to at all, clearly represents a transparent attempt to deny its continued existence. As Rancticirchiretic famously said, "It is far more comfortable for the chattering classes of Ghyll to suppose that [the Conflict] is a mere matter of legend, or at most of dead-and-gone history." The Tarkherk Corps, however, is an all-too-visible, indeed notorious, institution, which has clearly been a major participant in the Conflict, albeit perhaps on both sides. Indeed, the whole notion of "sides" is not particularly perspicuous, given the ever-shifting alliances and counter-alliances. So the notion that the Conflict does not exist, or no longer exists, can be confidently rejected.

The currently most visible manifestation of the Conflict is probably the trade war (which occasionally involves weapons) between the Iganeftan producers of Altoxian Bulbs, and the northern Evesque Valley manufacturers of Andelphracian Lights, conducted on [Berell|Berellian] and neo-Berellian principles. This is a matter of the last fifty years only; before that, the Extremely Bloodless Revolution, now brought to a not entirely successful conclusion, was the best-known aspect of the Conflict.

Aelfants and the Conflict

In the year -37 EC, a short, sharp battle was held on the Plain of Brahang between two mercenary squadrons allegedly employed by Bysted Timperton and Baron Smallwood over the possession of a precious Aelfant coprolith, or petrified dung-ball. During a hand-to-hand struggle between the opposing captains, the coprolith unfortunately fractured, making possession of it moot. The battle was abandoned in mutual disgust; lawsuits over the contingency fees are still pending in the courts of Folktown.

The Amphitheatre Aristocracy and the Conflict

Very few members of the Amphitheatre Aristocracy are themselves involved as combatants in the conflict, with such well-known exceptions as Bobby Shwarmph (I entirely discredit the claim that it is his brother Edward rather than he himself who is a (former?) member of the infamous Corps). However, the group has a well-established practice of speculating on the ongoing Altoxian/Andelphracian trade war, which makes them at least peripheral participants in the Conflict's current phase.

Arariax and the Conflict

There is a more or less permanent legend or rumor that the poet Arariax met his end during a war of assassins, which was the form in which the Conflict was predominantly being manifested during his lifetime. The legend does not tell, unfortunately, whether Arariax was himself an assassin or one of the assassinated; a prudent position, adopted by the scholar Gassalasca Jape among others, is that of believing both

Anaximancers and the Conflict

Absolutely no evidence has come to light hitherto suggesting that anaximancers have ever been employed by either side.

Bavarian Creame and the Conflict

[This section has beenredacted in its entirety to avoid conflict with the libel laws.

[Note to scholars: the mere act of scattering a text with such terms as "alleged", or of attributing opinions to others, does not constitute an affirmative defense against libel suits in the Folktown courts. The Tarkherk Corps can defend itself, of course.

[Nor is there any need, by applying such unnecessarily loaded terms as "slut" and "dark-side whingelist", to drastically reduce the reputation this Encyclopedia will so justly acquire among the scholarly community of Ghyll. Courtesy is never incompatible with truth. All participating scholars are warned. --The Copy Editor]

Bute University and the Conflict

An earnest and bitter logomachy is underway at Bute University which can be seen as an extension of the Conflict, since it concerns the propriety of the possibility of the utilization of the last known surviving Avazian Box against any unduly successful combatant forces, should the Conflict lead to general military violence once again. The anti-Box forces are seen as implicitly favoring the stronger side since non-use of the Box would tend to favor the status quo, or to put it another way, the facts on the ground; by the same token, the pro-Box forces as implicitly favoring the weaker side. Exactly which side is the stronger and which the weaker at the present time is itself unfortunately a matter of dispute at Bute.

What the views of King Harandraff the Great (honored -- in the breach -- as the founder of Bute) would have been in this issue is not known.

The Heh-Blammo Balance and the Conflict

The more violent phases of the Conflict have been a major source of heh-blammo imbalance during certain periods of Ghyll's history, essentially resulting from the excess of blammos over hehs that seems to be inevitable during periods of open warfare. The Brothers of the Lantern are said to have worked very hard during these intervals to produce and distribute sufficient hehs throughout Ghyll to prevent universal chaos. The Brothers themselves, as usual, neither confirm nor deny this story.

The Nitenmangrey and the Conflict

The foolish notion of Oblibestircus that the Conflict began as a competition between rival claimants to the Paramount Queenship of the Nitenmangrey, based on their respective styles of aquentravalkeration, has been universally -- and justly -- scorned. The Conflict, whatever it is or is not, cannot be validly projected nine centuries into the past; that would reduce the distinction between history and mythology to a patent absurdity.

Citations: Rancticirchiretic, Oblibestircus

--Jcowan 15:27, 23 Sep 2004 (EDT)