Oh baby, stick it in. Stick it in!

david copperfield would be proud
by Morbus

He would be. He being David Copperfield, of course. Here be Devil Shat, and still without a real article by Morbus. Instead, I try to cajole you into believing this editorial, filled with excuses and "next month, I swear". All lies, all lies!

Don't believe a word I say.

I'll be honest with you. I'm a little burnt out when it comes to writing Devil Shat articles. Don't get me wrong - I haven't become a complacent, happy member of society. Far from it. Lately though, sitting down in front of my TRS-80 (model III, bitch) doesn't seem very appeasing.

Which is why you're getting a healthy dose of reader submissions. It's always nice to know that Devil Shat can sustain itself without its creator. That's a true sign of longevity: when things keep going even after the chief influence disappears.

Only for a while though. Next month, I swear.

don't offend me, i need the money
by tom giddings

I had received this the other day, and thought I would share it with you just incase you hadn't heard about it already. Here is the article as I received it...

SAN DIEGO. A lawsuit accuses Microsoft of including a "racially-charged" message linking black people to monkeys in its Publisher 1998 software. The company has agreed to alter the program.

John Elijah, 32, filed the suit Tuesday in San Diego federal court, claiming users will see images that include a black couple sitting on monkey bars when they type "monkey" to access pictures of the animal.

"I felt the blood rushing out of my whole body," said Elijah, a black construction worker who was shown the image by a co-worker. "I was humiliated."

Microsoft spokesman Greg Shaw said the company already has offered a software update to anyone who requests it. He said the Publisher 2000 software itself does not contain the image.

"We regret any offense or inconvenience," Shaw said. "We are deeply committed to doing everything possible to prevent this in the future."

Elijah is demanding that Microsoft pay $75,000 in damages and alter the software, which is used to create newsletters and documents with graphics and pictures.

Elijah's attorney, Harvey Levine, is seeking approval of a class action lawsuit for the estimated 4 million customers who bought the software.

Levine suspects the picture was specifically programmed to appear as "some sort of sick insider joke."

But Shaw said the link was unintentional. He said the software contains images that can be accessed by using several key words. A computer user who searched for "couple" may have accessed the photo as well as someone who typed "bar."

In this case, "monkey" brings up an assortment of pictures including monkeys in trees, a gorilla and the closely-cropped photo of the black couple.

Elijah, who is married and has two children, said his wife was extremely upset over the incident.

"Her biggest fear is that maybe skinheads or people like that will face off with me," he said. "She's afraid people will think I'm doing this for the money, and not because I want it fixed."

Now this was an interesting little article. This Mr. Elijah is suing Microsoft and "demanding that they pay $75,000." All because when he types the word "monkey" as a keyword in the Publisher 1998 software, he gets a picture of a black couple sitting on "monkey bars."

I especially like the last paragraph, where it says, "She's afraid people will think I'm doing this for the money, and not because I want it fixed."

If that were so, why could the lawsuit only be for the purpose of having the software fixed and not include the $75,000? Something is not right with Mr. Elijah's intentions. Or maybe they are... With the way that society has become, especially in the U.S - everyone is suing everyone else for mundane problems.

What are we coming to? A society where an elderly lady can sue McDonalds for being a klutz and spill her own coffee on herself while driving, and win. She claimed that they coffee was too hot and there should have been a warning on the cup. So freaking what if the coffee was hot! I like my coffee hot. I'm a big boy, I don't need someone looking over my should reminding me, "Careful, that coffee's hot." Or even when children can take their parents to court cause they didn't get that pony they wanted for Christmas, or they feel that their parents did a shabby job of raising them.

Now that I have gotten that rant out for now, back to the article. Oohh... Ooohhh... while I'm at it. The attorney of Mr. Elijah's, Harvey Levine, is also making a class action suit for everyone who purchased the software. Don't you think that is going a little too far?

Anyways, did anyone think of why that particular picture shows up when the word "monkey" is used? Could it possibly be because the couple is sitting on "Monkey Bars," and have nothing to do with the people themselves. They just happened to be in the picture. But no, that would make too much sense, and then mess up the lawsuit. We wouldn't want to do that now would we?

But what if I was to type in the word "manhole" and when I did that a picture came up. A picture of a man doing road construction and he happened to be holding a "manhole cover." Would I be upset? Hell no. I would think it was funny. But that's just me.

But now, because of this lawsuit. Anyone who saw this probable picture, and who happened to be gay, could sue. They could claim that it was "racially-charged." This is nuts.

And yes, Mr. Elijah, you are suing for the money. I wouldn't doubt it if he happened to have some type of debt for the amount of $75,000. Or, possibly looking to purchase that new car he has always wanted but could never afford with his job. This is absolutely crazy!

But then again, maybe I should stop and rethink things the next time someone offends me. There could be an extra $75,000 in it for me. And you know, I sure could use the money...

a s s h o l i c
the greatest column ever told
by Rown Garnbii

or: Why I Never Talk to my Sister Anymore...
(Part Eight of Ten)

In the beginning there was chaos. There were no laws at all. It was a silly concept. In some ways it still is. Just ask your local anarchists. They get in the way of pursuing your dreams. Ask your local "humanitarian." We have certain inalienable human rights.


It's all bullshit.

There are no human rights and if someone spouts tales of human rights violations in some far off world you'll never visit, or even in your own backyard, you tell 'em, "fuck you." There's no such thing as "human rights." You don't have a right to do what you want to do. You have the right to try. You don't have a right to live at all, but you have the right to give it a shot. And you don't have the right to own a damn thing, you've only got the right to defend what you've taken from others against those who would take it from you. That's it. To try is your only natural born right.

So when someone complains about some ass government, pseudo-government, mob government or gang violating human rights, you say "Fuck you. They're breaking the damn law."

Our most important law, the one we've defended over all others throughout history, is that of private ownership. If you thought I was gonna say anything about not murdering people or anything, than kindly remove your head from your naive ass and look around. Everything is about property and that's not such a bad thing. We can't build unless we own tools and we can't grow unless we own land. Otherwise those things we love would be gone, taken by whoever lifts weights more frequently than you. Hence we have laws against stealing. Even God thought it a good idea.

This commandment is the consummate commandment. Simple, easy to follow, moral, doesn't raise the problems of the others.

"Thou shalt not steal." (God, Exodus 20:15)

What could be simpler than that?

Everyone learns, pretty much right away, not to steal. It's wrong. Still, a lot of us do it. I remember the first time I actually committed a theft. A real theft.

My family and I were at a greeting card store. They were looking for God knows what, and I was looking for something to beg for. What I found were these little 4" x 2" golden label cards. Mmmm... shiny. No one was looking so I pocketed them. I thought, in my amazing wisdom, that my friends and I could write messages to each other on them. Lord help me they were so shiny, and with only a minimal amount of effort, they were mine. My mother called for me, it was time to go. As we left, my left hand was firmly in my pocket protecting my new found bounty. Oh, how the ladies would swoon as Rown, the Golden Child went by. We were approaching the exit. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the sales lady get up. Did she see me? She left her counter and walked towards us. Oh shit, I thought. I'm so close to the door. What about alarms? Will the alarms sound? Alarms are always suppose to sound when you steal something. Isn't that what so many of us were taught?

Inch by inch we crossed the threshold. Then...


No alarms. I looked back. The sales person stopped to pick up a card that had fallen on the floor.

I had done it. They were indeed shiny, and they were mine. All was well when we got to the car until...

Let's get this on the record now. I'm an idiot. And like the super-villain that just robbed Gotham Bank I bragged about my conquest. I whispered what I did to my sister. I showed her those two shiny, glorious cards. And my sister, God bless her little soul, that bitch turned me in. She didn't even pause.

Screech, the car stopped. My father yanked me out and we marched back into the mall. I now realize what those on the Ho Chi Min trail must've felt like. I was walking to my own death. Being herded into the showers like so many war time Jews. They may be extreme comparisons but, fuck you, I was scared.

The silence of my father made my conscience bleed. Parents suck like that. They know when you want them to ignore you, so they yell. They know just when you want them to yell so they ignore you. They do that to keep us off balance.

When we crossed back into the hell store, my dad told the sales lady what I had done. She didn't really care. Dad made me apologize and that was the end of it. We left. On the way out, he flicked me with his middle finger. I don't know if any of you have ever been victim to this but it hurts like all fuck. Seriously. Go ahead, cock your middle finger under your thumb. Channel all your aggression, hatred and disappointment into the tip, and let 'er rip right into the soft part of your temple...

Ha! Not laughing now, are you dipshit?

SCORE: Hell - 4 / Salvation - 4

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Devil Shat Sixty Three was released on 04/13/00. Last updated: 04/13/00.