Super Sexy!

welcome front
by Morbus

You know, I'm quite annoyed at a few things: the summer heat that has creeped rather obnoxiously into my life, the broken fan that churns unlike butter in my crappy old computer, the fact that I keep dying while playing the Zerg in Starcraft or have little time to play Age of Empires 2 or The Sims.

I'm rather annoyed at the lack of time in my life. But mostly, I'm just annoyed at Elian. Enough so to entertain you with an article. Then again, I grew bored. I flicked on the TV and see South Park did a much better (and more animated) job of expressing my feelings. Scratch that.

What else can I be annoyed by? Perhaps Microsoft and its pathetic pleaing with the government. Or having no fucking clue how to spell "pleaing", much less the fact that people keep telling me that "clichic" isn't a word (later in life, I realize its "pleading". Of course, correcting it ruins my point.). And the fact that I only made $200 on last night's Jeopardy annoys the bejesus outta me.

What really annoys me is sweaty feet. I'm sitting here, naked, roasting in the heat of four computers and the beating sun, leaving puddles of stank ass liquid on a wooden floor.

What's worse is that the ants have decided to pay a visit, and they saunter around like they own the place. They probably do. It's funny thinking there are about 10 kazillion more ants in the world, and I'm sure if they wanted to, they'd kick our pathetic human ass in a second.

Of course, perhaps they're just infiltrating completely into our life. And that within a few years, when the last vestiges of humanity have been penetrated, they'll demand we extinguish "that with the long nose". And if we don't, then they'll take over some TV studio and show humans covered from head to toe in ants, crawling in every orifice.

Shock and disgust is a very powerful feeling. And sending some Japanese ants to crawl on powerful leaders as they watch the display is sure to win them a case.

But I digress.

You know what else annoys? "Oops! I Did It Again!". That fucking Spears song has been floating through my head all week. To make it even worse, I fucking WOKE UP to that phrase. That'll teach me to use a radio instead of that soothing robotic klaxon as my alarm.

I'm also annoyed that my boxers have lately found it humorous to find the exact spot where my penis will fit through the slit, rubbing against my pants like an annoying paper cut that won't go away. I think they find it funny when I try to re-adjust myself. They keep at it though, inwardly chuckling.

When so many things bother me, I wonder why I sit down to Devil Shat and silently remark I have nothing to write about.

It's quite annoying.

a s s h o l i c
the greatest column ever told
by Rown Garnbii

(Part Nine of Ten)

"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor." (God, Exodus 20:16)

Lies are probably the most important thing in our society. Seriously. Let's face it, truth can suck. The strong can take that truth and use it in a beneficial way, but usually don't. To the weak, truth is fairly useless. It can't feed or clothe them so they usually just use truth to cause small bits of trouble for others. Lies, on the other hand, keep people happy and content with what they have. It's a blessing when you look at it like this. The problem is that it's pretty damn evil and in "truth" lies suck ass too. What you have to decide is which is the more evil in a given situation, truth or lies.

I've got a friend who adamantly believes in truth at any cost. He hates lies. Can't stand 'em. He wouldn't give a fuck if I killed his entire family but if I lied about it then I'd be in some real damn trouble.

I think it all boils down to one scenario. If your significant other cheated on you, just a one time mistake, would you want to know?

Many people would say "yes, of course." And to their credit they feel they're brave enough to hear the answer. Personally, I wouldn't want to hear about it. She'd already feel like hell, (at least she better, the bitch) there's really no reason for us both to feel bad. Especially since I'm the wronged party. Why should I have to suffer for even a second?

Some think that the cheater hasn't suffered enough and that if they knew what happened then they could make that person's life a living hell though guilt and flat out yelling. But the curiosity is that, that isn't what happens at all. Sure, they do feel bad if you yell at them and throw things but they actually feel better about themselves for having told the truth. It's a great weight lifted from their shoulders. Unfortunately that weight lands from their shoulders directly on to your dick, or what-have-you.

Let them suffer silently. If the relationship is worth saving then they'll have to choke it down. If they can't take the guilt and they leave you then the relationship wouldn't have lasted. Besides, after cheating they'll be a lot nicer to you from that point on. Guilt rules.

Of course this is just my opinion. You probably want someone more important to chime in.

God doesn't want people to lie. He said so in the above commandment. But is he against every lie or just the big ones?

To tell you the truth I think this commandment is misunderstood. Reading the explanation given by my internet sources, it doesn't mention lying. It stresses that one should speak up for our neighbor in order to protect him from slanderous accusations. To not spread rumors about them. To not think evil thoughts referring to them.

This makes sense because it makes it about something more than a simple lie. "Bear False Witness." Back in the days when the Commandments were written lying wasn't such a biggie but bearing false witness was important. In those days justice was swift, punishment often brought about after accusation from respected peoples. No one really needed any proof or a trial. "He did what?!? Stone 'im!" There's your fancy trial.

I've done plenty of lying in my life but I really haven't done any of these things. I don't lie about others. I don't gossip. I've thought bad things against people sometimes, but only in the heat of the moment or aftermath of some stupid event. I've never wished cancer on anyone. Nothing evil. Well, nothing too evil, anyway.

So this is an obscure commandant. (Like the others aren't, right?) It's hard to make a judgment call on if I've broken it, but since for the time being I'm the one doing all the judging I'm going to say it's a no. I have not given false witness. Some of you may thing it's a cop-out but hey, fuck you. It's my soul.

Only one commandment left and if it's a tie, I die...

SCORE: Hell - 4 / Salvation - 5

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I came across issue 64 of devil shat (and by accident (don't you love the internet), and happily fritted away a chunk of my work day checking it out. Aren't you glad to know you're actively contributing to nonproductivity, which has adverse effects on the economy, which contributes to the general decline of civilization? --What power. Seriously, sharp design, cool stuff. Keep on, please, thanks.


For the first time I am moved to write and thank you for both your efforts and for sharing them with me. If you can keep this distance and perspective , prove by example that no one owns the truth, then you will entertain a lot of people that otherwise would be turned off by the emptiness of negativity. Since the ability to alter perspective is the one true gift man has, I compliment you on just letting go and using that gift to entertain. hey if you can't win on ideas at least you can get comic groupies to secretly develop a desire to do your laundry.... besides dogmatic assholes of every stripe sacrifice their sense of humor right away or else find themselves laughing in their sleep.....


hilarious. the first article. just f***ing hilarious. keep it up.

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Devil Shat Sixty Four was released on 05/11/00. Last updated: 05/11/00.