Bring them back!

a woman's show
kes a point

by Morbus

I've taken a liking to an innocent little show every morning on ABC called "The View". Created by Barbara Walters, it staffs five different women who randomly spout about current events or other nonsense. Every so often, they air a stereotypical fashion show or a "man-bashing" segment (recently, they interviewed the author of "How To Hide Money From Your Husband").

My girlfriend is a fervent watcher of said show and since being with her is a daily highlight, I frequently (and begrudgingly, of course) watch the show with her.

Today, they made a damn good point.

Long story short: should Christmas be a religious holiday? I affirmed with a healthy glee. You see, I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and thus never celebrated Christmas (or any holiday for that matter). The Witnesses believed that Christ's birth was in April, and had the requisite flurry of points and mindless recitation to back up their assertion. Growing up without a Christmas has ruined me in my girlfriend's eyes, but has improved me in mine: why the hell delegate one day to "warmth and caring" when all days should have such goals?

Star (the "i'm right and you're wrong" ethic percentage of "The View") says we need to put the Christ back into Christmas! What a wonderful idea! Kwaanzaa (sp?) and Hannuka (uh... sp?) are not federal holidays, so why the hell should Christmas be? Why the hell should millions of people who AREN'T Christians fake a holiday in which they have no right to participate?

I'm sure if millions of Christians suddenly starting yelling "Dradle! Dradle! Clay! Oi!" and took a week off from work to celebrate seven Christmas equivalents, there'd be quite an uproar from the Jewish community. How can so many atheists participate in a holiday that celebrates the birth of a Son they don't even recognize?

Oh, but "Christmas has taken on a life of it's own", shouts Barbara. Ok, let's think of Christmas as a copyright then, shall we? "You can copy a copy on a copier, but you can't Xerox a Xerox on a Xerox" yells the first rule of writing fiction. Just because copiers became prevalent because of Xerox's capabilities does not mean that "Holiday - without - Christ" can use the "Holiday - with - Christ" namesake.

And "Political Correctness" CERTIFIES that Christmas should be a religious holiday! Hell, that's where all these "Happy Holiday" signs came from and why Santa has been banned from many a school (true story around here: little Jewish girl; Santa hangings; "no! insult! sue!"; no more Santa hangings.)

Scrooge had the right idea - why the hell should HE lose a day of YOUR work for a holiday HE doesn't believe in? Respect isn't an issue in this case... if it were, we could come up with some bullshit line that you should respect your employer and come in because you've got tons of work to do.

I say we make it a religious holiday. By keeping it a federal, you force the recognition and observance of the birth of Christ by a large portion of the population who don't give a damn. I don't know when Kwaanzaa or Hanukkah is, and that's just fine: why should I care about another religion's celebration?

Respect my religion by keeping yours out of sight.

a s s h o l i c
the greatest column ever told
by Rown Garnbii

(Part Four of Ten)

He he he... religion's funny, and now I have proof.

In late November, at a London Catholic church, a naked man stormed into the house of God, brandishing a gold and silver sword, and began slicing up the parishioners. My heart and deepest sympathies go out to the victims and those who had to witness this inane bloodshed, but carnage aside, this is pretty damn funny.

I don't know what it is about society that would cause poor, naked Eden Strang to do this. I don't know if society can be blamed. Perhaps it's due to a lack of moral guidance in this world, maybe we have too much and it chokes some people to the breaking point causing them to run, blade up, trou down into Sunday mass. As many of the regular readers have no doubt figured out, I'm not that smart and I have no answers.

The only thing I do know is that England is going to have to stop looking down at their noses at America because of all our fucked up crimes. This should also shut up the gun control people. See, no guns so they pick up swords. It's a dismal, dismal world.

Bad things seem to happen a lot on Sundays. EgyptAir crashes, every episode of Pacific Blue... Sometimes I think it's because it's the one day God has off and he just wants to kick back, relax, and have a bit of fun. Days off are important. Most people have Sundays off. I never did, but most people do... bastards.

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy." (God, Exodus 20:8) That is our commandment for the month. This is a weird one because Christians, with their whole "church on Sunday" thing seem to make the Sabbath a Sunday. But the Jews say it's a Friday. This singular point gives me no hope for the future. If the factions can't even decide on the same day off, how can they ever agree on whose god is whose?

In either case I'm a dead man because I don't go to church, nor do I pray so I lose out. And by the score at the bottom of the article it looks like I'm on the bullet train to Hell so I'm taking everyone I can with me.

Case in point: Israeli soldiers, quite possibly the most notoriously religious peoples on Earth, are fighting all the time. They have one of the most ferocious armies in the world. Do they just set their guns down on the Sabbath and take a break? Doubtful. Otherwise they would have been wiped off the face of the Earth a long time ago.

Still, many people do go to church and you have to give them credit. They are celebrating something. Though many look so bored and dead in there anyway, trying to endure their dose of religion for one more week that they couldn't recognize a blessing if God was sitting on their face.

Oh yeah, it's going to be crowded in Hell and with me there it's going to be insufferable to.

I mean, more than normal.

SCORE: Hell - 3 / Salvation - 1

send us an email



Lay off Christmas you old scrooge! Fortunately (or unfortunately, = dependant on your viewpoint) Christmas is now a purely secular festival, = were we all worship in glorious awe at the feet of the great shiny god = of late 20th Century Consumerist capitalism, even though this may not be = the most attractive prospect, there are alternatives. I personally = intend to the age old folk tradition of celebrating these church = festivals by drinking myself senseless (filling myself with the spirits = of Christmas) and attempting to break some the 10 commandments and = people of all faiths and races are cordially invited to join me. Surely = we should be glad for a day off from the endless, senseless grind of the = rat race, more days off say I, and the more obscure and inane the = reason, the better, how about a week long festival of Dionysian excess = in celebration of the invention of the toothpick.


Unfortunately, I've had the opportunity to see a few episodes of "The View" and for them to actually make a point on the show is reason enough to celebrate. This one actually peaks my interest. I come from family that had no set religion (my father was lutheran and my mother was presbyterian). I did go to church when I was younger, up until the age of about 15, but I only went becuz it gave me something to do on a Sunday morning other then help my mother clean the house. I never believed in one "God". The existance of everything around me could be explained without using a bible. So Christmas was never a religious holiday for me. It was more of a day to get together with family that I didn't see on a regular basis. Of course, the exchangin of gifts was nice too, but I enjoyed the day just bein with my family. Christmas has come so far away from what is used to be, that most people have jus made the day to be whatever feels right for them. If I could think of something else to call it that my family could agree on, I wouldn't call it Christmas. I don't believe in Christ, or his Son, nor anyone else in his family. I do believe there are higher powers, but I don't believe there is one almighty supreme being ruling everything in the world.

Christmas should be whatever one wants to make of it. As for it being a federal holiday, I don't agree with that, unless they were to make every other religions Christmas-like holiday federal holidays as well. Seems only fair. Maybe we could jus take the entire month of December off to cover all the holiday, with a week off in April too. =)

next issue >>
<< last issue

plain text format

Devil Shat is published by Disobey & is protected under all copyright laws.
Devil Shat Fifty Nine was released on 12/09/99. Last updated: 12/09/99.