I said not to touch me, damn you!

a six word essay
by Morbus

You'd think people would learn. Shit.

a tad bit of overzealousness
by Morbus

I have irrevocably determined that, if indeed, I was in school during the time of the Columbine High mess, I would now be in jail, happily avoiding skinny boy-raping motherfuckers because they want to kill me (I'm the "bad one", they'd justify).

Now, I normally don't read the paper... I have a propensity for getting ink on my fingers since it later shows up on everything I touch, and that's almost as bad as those exploding ink bombs on jeans nowadays.

I digress.

I don't read the paper because there's nothing for me to read. When the people at rantradio.com (shameless plug) bitch about a "Sports" section being bulkier than "World News", they've hung a wall of photos based on the amount of points they've nailed.

But, one day, waiting for my morning home fries, what should I see but another kid being investigated for dangerous tendencies. And it's right in my home town, too! Ooh, this has gotta be good...

Get this: the kid was given an assignment to write a scary story for Halloween. The kid wrote a scary story. The kid got an A. Another (Care Bear) loving kid reported the (evil) kid to his (Nazi) parents.

Said (inspired Nazi) parents walk to the (money from your pockets) School Board and complain. The (gotta appease the peasants) School Board asks the teacher what's going on. Suddenly, the (enlightened) teacher realizes that the very (evil "hey, i just like lovecraft, you fuck") kid he awarded a perfect grade to is going to kill everyone.

The (Scapegoat) kid is now on probation and is being "looked into".

All together now, re-read the first article in this issue.

Sigh. Let it go! It's over!

a s s h o l i c
the greatest column ever told
by Rown Garnbii

(Part Three of Ten)

Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar...

You know... I don't know the rest of that joke. Some dickhead straight man always stops the guy before he can finish it.


Let's dive right in. Once again, the subject is if I'll be burning in Hell or burning in Heaven. The measuring stick is the Ten Commandments. Today's mystery commandment? The third:

"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in Heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them." (God, Exodus 20:4-6)

Phew... That's an awful lot to engrave on a stone tablet. This commandment forbids the practice of loving or serving any image or symbol as God or as one that signifies God.

This is a wacky one because, like I've said before, I don't get on bended knee for anything, but the strange thing is that everyone else does. That's just crazy. You walk in to any Christian (or Christian spin-off) church and all you'll see are sculptures and painting of heavenly characters. You got paintings of archangels, cherubs, saints, Jesus walking on water adorning the walls and stained glass windows. Big ass statues of Jesus Christ tacked to a tree that people bow down to whenever they pass it. In the Sistine Chapel there's a huge fucking painting of God Himself. Why is this? Why does the church, the earthly representation and embodiment of the Lord Almighty and the love and worship of his creation so blatantly snap the rules of God? The only rules he himself took the time to write? Simple. Because the church is run by a bunch of prats.

It's a very simple and understandable thing. To sell something to the masses it has to be marketable. What makes something marketable? A) The marketers must make you think you need it, and B) You have to feel special once you have it. It's like that with any product: toasters, cars, carbonated flavored beverage drinks, everything. Religion is no different.

First, they have all these stories about a lot of cool people doing freaky things. Most impressive. Then they tell you that if you don't believe it you will perish for all eternity therefore you need it. Third, and most importantly, you need merchandising!

Yes! You need crosses to wear around your neck to tell those around you, "I am a 'fashionable' man of God!' You need a statuesque carving of Jesus on the Cross adorning every wall in every hall of your home! It'll look so sharp that there's no way the Savior will pass your house when the Second Coming is a comin'! You need a classy "simulated stone" statuette of Saint Whosyfuck, Patron Saint of Long Car Rides, on your dashboard. And if you call within the next thirty minutes you can have, free for twenty-five cents, a fully illustrated bible classics storybook for the kiddies, because only by buying Christian Co. products can you accurately show, within one one-hundredth of a percentile, exactly how much you love the Lord, because lets face it. He's taking notes.

Right. Maybe I'm over-reacting though. Maybe I'm interpreting wrong. It was written at a time when God's own people were worshipping golden cows 'n' shit. Maybe it was just worded badly, but that goes back to the argument of interpretation vs. literalism. Do we do exactly what the bible says to the letter or do what the spirit of the bible words mean. But, of course, what is the spirit of the bible? What should we assume? As you can tell by the thousand or so different religions that have popped up who worship the same guy, we can't quite come to a consensus on that answer.

To help clarify that for my self and you, the loyal irregulars who read this shit, I've talked to several priests, ministers and rabbi's about this thing and they all say basically the same thing. I've compacted all our conversations into one blanket super-conversation:

Church Guy: "Rown, no one worships those statues or paintings. They worship the Lord and bow before and praise Him. Those items only represent Him. God is in your heart."

Me: "But then why have them at all?"

Church Guy: "To celebrate the glory of God, my son."

The Garnbii-nator: "But the commandment states specifically 'Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in Heaven above... Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them.'"

Church Guy: "My son, the Commandments are only part of the spiritual journey. You can follow them perfectly but if you do not truly believe in the Lords eternal love for you and realize that Jesus died on the cross for you, they're useless. The Lord doesn't expect you to never break his laws, only to seek his love and forgiveness when you do."

The Ever Lovin' Rown: "So, wait. Are you saying that you can do it because you confess your sin each week to God or that you can break the rules all together?"

Church Guy: "... Get out of my fucking church."

What can I say. I guess I'm a bit of a literalist. I mean, God is billed as perfect and a perfect being wouldn't fuck up the wording of a sacred law. Maybe God's lawyers should have drafted the Ten Commandments. "Mr., Moses, we represent the Almighty and we've drafted up these one-hundred twenty-four stone tablets outlining his ten sacred laws. Please chisel you name here, and here, and here..."

Ah dogma. Where would my writing career be without it? And where will I be this November? That's right. At a theater watching Kevin Smith's new controversial flick, "Dogma." Something tells me that it's a movie that will speak to me. And I'll be smiling through it because things are looking up for me on the scoreboard.

SCORE: Hell - 2 / Salvation - 1

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Devil Shat is published by Disobey & is protected under all copyright laws.
Devil Shat Fifty Eight was released on 11/11/99. Last updated: 11/11/99.