With the Devil Shat Dictionary, you can find out what we really mean in every issue... it's not like everything is spelled out for you. Just read this, and you'll understand everything. Enlightenment never came so easy.

And as much as this sounds like the Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce, it has nothing to do with it. It is only a coincidence. I am not trying to compete with the dictionary, nor am I trying to supercede it. So stop thinking that.

01/01/00:

Ring in the new Millennium with your clothes! Yes, that's right... available only at Filene's, adorn yourself with underwear, shirts, pants, hats - all proudly displaying this momentous date! Only $29.95, and you can ... forever remember this... ... exciting ... [snore]

10-10-something-or-other:

The newest gimmick from the telco's, these stupid combinations of numbers magically produce great savings, directory assistance ("I don't even have to know the area code!") and other stupid tricks. Most (ok, all) are incredibly worthless.

15 SECOND LOAD TIME:

A design technique which should be firmly entrenched in the production of any webpage, the 15 second load time forces the webpage to be fully downloaded on a normal connection - within 15 seconds (uhhh...).

ABORTION CLINIC:

The new target for terrorists. More controversy surrounds these institutions than Congress or the White House.

ACCEPTED A SUCK:

Another term for saying "yes" to a blow job.

AGE OF THE EGO:

Only I can know that.

AH TWELL:

An act of indifference, uncaring. Often used to end an explanation about something that is utterly pointless to even try and change.

ALPACA:

The cousin to the llama... you learn something new everyday, don't you?

ALT.BEATMYWIFE:

Got a habit, desire, or secret fetish? put "alt." in front of it for newsgroups, and throw a ".com" on it for websites, and you'll probably find it. Directly linked to shootingdogs.com and other websites that only those searching for them will ever find.

ALT.THOUGHT:

An empty newsgroup that hasn't received a meaningful post since I subscribed to it. Obviously no one is looking for thought anymore.

ANTIQUE STORE:

Another name for Heaven... so called because Heaven is never cleaned out, only added too.

AOL:

Please call back later and read this.

BASEBALL GAME:

A marketing gimmick in which people play with a round object and make more money than you.

BARBIE'S ASS:

Used in the phrase "who gives a barbie's ass?", this is more detailed than "who gives a shit" as it gets to the root of the matter.

BARBIE-DOLL BODIES:

What women think they should have to be attractive to the masses and to themselves. Inspired by numerous magazines and television.

BARCODE:

As pointless as most anything can be (bunch of different widths of lines), the barcode is often referred to as the "mark of the beast" since without it, you cannot buy (most of the time).

BE KIND TO BEAVERS DAY:

It's subtle, but there's a joke here.

BETTER MURDERER:

When you kill more people than the enemy; often used when your son comes home after surviving a war... he became a better murderer than the enemy.

BOBBY:

Joe Two-tone's partner in crime. (see "Joe Two-tone")

BURN IN HELL:

You just can't define something so close to my heart.

BUSH:

(see "stupidity")

CANNED ADVERTISEMENT:

When someone tries to be enthusiastic as they read words from a card.

CHURCH OF SELF:

We're all in this life for one person: ourself.

CHURCH OF SPORT:

With members in the millions, the Church of Sport teaches rudeness, excessive eating, drinking, and yelling, and often sends some people into a "paint my body" rage, shaking their flab at TV cameras, yelling obscenities, and in general, making asses out of themselves.

CONTRADICTION OF LIFE:

A philosophy that represents the opposite of everything we see around us... life is around us, yet the philosophy is based around everything that contradicts these beliefs, actions and sights.

COUNTER PRODUCTIVE PRIDE:

"Pride is great up to the point you begin to throw out the baby with the bathwater... if it works for you, great. When it stops working for you, when you've painted yourself into a corner and the only way out is to say, 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I wish we could compromise somehow,'" don't ever be afraid to.

COW LOVING GROUP ONE:

They like holstein cows.

COW LOVING GROUP THREE:

They paint Gateway advertisements on cows.

CYNICISM:

Distrusting or disparaging the motives or sincerity of others. Showing contempt for accepted standards.

DAMMIT:

Not the exclamation, but more a description of something that earns special negative attention. Often used when people confuse an issue, and then speak out about their misconception. (see "misconception")

DEATH:

Only happens in movies.

DESENSITIZED:

Becoming familiar with objects that once repulsed us. Apparent by the number of sites on the Internet that glamorize serial killers and photos of death and destruction. (see "death")

DEVIL BUG EYED GIRL:

Extremely rare, the Devil Bug Eyed Girl appeared in a Welch's White Grape Juice commercial, ecstatically happy about it's great flavor. She has since disappeared, yet the horror often remains.

DEVIL SHAT SAID SO:

Still relatively unknown, this has been making it's way around the back alleys of America. You'll see it next to broken windows, murdered children, and grown men crying over their missing shoe. We don't know why either.

DINOSAUR CLEARANCE SALE:

A nick name for the time period when the dinosaurs died off. (see "spacial wrecking ball").

DONE THAT YEAR:

The strange fascination that when January 1st comes around, there is a "new" year. What holds true is totally opposite: nothing is new, merely redone with prettier colors.

D-WORD:

He writes stuff about sports, of course, being usually filled with extensive stats that no one who reads Devil Shat would care about and as such, are heavily edited. You can use "d-word" in a sentence if someone is being too verbose or too detailed. Just start yelling it at them.

EMBRACE THE DEVIL:

Hell, do it again! Used in conjunction with efforts to lose personality/freedom/life, i.e.: office cubicles, identification numbers, and so forth.

EMOTIONLESS:

The name of someone who supposedly committed suicide on the web. She is now getting the attention she deserves. Guess she "one-upped" Tim Leary.

EVIL JACK:

I dunno what the hell this means. Some song by the Frogs was titled this, so we figured we'd use the name for one of our pathetic examples. Yeah.

FACE VALUE:

Accepting that the cat is blue without looking at why the cat is blue, or what pigment the blue on the cat is, or what kind of cat it is, or where the cat came from, or why the cat isn't green.

FILM AT TEN:

To be heartless and uncaring about something. To dummy up an emotional instance into a monotonic recital of facts. (eg. "your mother died today, film at ten").

FORGETFULNESS OF THE PAST:

"We are expected to rave about the genius of the 'creator' and forget the original. This makes for a disposable society."

FORM LETTER:

What the government sends you when your boy dies in the war.

FORTUNE COOKIE RESPONSES:

When people try to answer questions by giving very interpretative statements that mean totally different things to myself, you, or Johnny. In other words, they are no answer at all.

FRIENDSHIP:

Having feelings of affection or personal regard to someone else. This does not necessarily include lying to your friend or posing behind an image so that you can keep your friend. Very healthy.

GET OUT OF HELL FREE CARD:

The card that you DON'T get when you do not believe in Christianity or God, and then back yourself up with lame ass reasons.

GET OUT OF RELATIONSHIP FREE CARD:

A nifty little thing that women get when they first start entering the world of love, sex, and lust. If they don't like how the current relationship is going, they can threaten "rape" and often the male will disappear. "Rape" is written on this card in sickly, sweet letters.

GLASS-EYED REPRESENTATIVE OF SATAN:

Those who work for the devil without knowing... the stupidest of the unwilling pawns, they can't foretell their own destruction.

GO DOODLE:

Another expression for taking a shit.

GOTH:

People who dress up all in black and try to be depressed all the time. They often take Prozac to ensure that their image is real. Note that there are hundreds of different varieties of Goth, and to explain them all here would be difficult. We'll get Wannabe Goth to write a column.

GREAT FUZZY, THE:

In early Australian society, the Great Fuzzy was known as the principal god and often worshipped as such. It was only until Australians discovered that their prayers were being unanswered that they finally embraced Christianity.

GREAT UNETHICAL ADVERTISING BEAST:

Oh yeah, I know, advertising is so wrong. Here, take some Kleenex. We should start a petition to abolish it. Hmm... lemme Xerox a few copi... HEY! Don't RollerBlade in the house! Damn kids... they need a whooping.

GULF WAR SYNDROME:

A buzz phrase for "I saved your asses, look at me!"

GUN DOWNED FROM THE TOP OF A WATER TOWER:

The act of being put in your place. Used when people get angry about something pointless. Also used when you find out something that you would never have expected. This definition is very vague, but so is the expression.

HATERS:

Those people who irrationally believe that by hating everything they will live a better life. Often they feel the world is totally against them, and that they can only feel happy if everything sucks. They can find a fault in everything, but apparently cannot see the fault within themselves.

HERD CONFORMITY:

"It's all right to conform to a person's wishes, if it ultimately benefits you. But only fools follow along with the herd, letting an impersonal entity dictate to you."

HERO:

People we feel we can look up to, or mimic. Heroes are often turned into the villain within a short time (example: oj simpson, that security guard from the olympics, etc.)

HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT:

People who justify their reasonings for a brighter cause.

HOLY BUDDHA OF JERUSALEM/ZIMBABWE:

A generic term for a religious figure. This is used so that insult is not made if you screw up his name... and also because there are so many different deities out there anyway.

I PRODUCED A CAT:

It was painful. neko unjatta.

ICQ:

The devil's tool for communicating with his human sinners. His ICQ number (see: "UIN") is 2927491.

IGNORANCE:

Lack of knowledge or training, unlearned.

IMAGE:

That which you portray but whom you are not, the image is often a front for people to try to get past. Most don't even care as they are trying to maintain their own image. What you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to like, and who you are supposed to hang out with.

IMITATION DEAD PEOPLE:

Considered a classic line by many (thank you), this refers to the idea of cloning in which your survivors would have to bury your duplicates as well as the original when you die.

IRRATIONAL:

Lacking the faculty of reason; deprived of reason.

JOE TWO-TONE:

Another guy we like to pick on. He's most noted for being convicted of rape, and then having his penis cut off to rid himself of his "problem". But... he's been watching "Jack Frost" too many times, so now he rapes women with vegetables. His "cure" did not work.

JOHNNY:

Our miscellaneous guy to pick on when we need to make an example. Best characterized by the fat guy who kills himself in Full Metal Jacket.

JOIN HANDS AND SING SONGS:

False happiness over small victories.

JOKER, THE:

Once said that if he had a past that he would want it to be multiple choice.

KHAAMO:

"Kick His Ass And Move On," a secret "acronym-code" that has been revealed here for the first time.

KILL THE HUMANS:

Fuuuuuuuuuuurrrrbiiieeesss! Ruuuuuuuuuuuunnnnn!

LACK OF PERSPECTIVE:

"You must never lose sight of who and what you are, and what a threat you can be, by your very existence. See the patterns and fit the things together as you want the pieces to fall into place... Know that you are working on another level entirely from the rest of the world."

LANGUAGE OF TYPE:

he language most people use in chat rooms, or in email... consists primarily of three letter acronyms (lol), smiley faces (: and other abbreviations for emotions and other pesky human actions.

LEFT WING RADICAL ANTI RACIST TERRORISTS:

Hi.

LET'S GET EVIL:

To blow something totally out of proportion and to do it in a sick, sadistic way for only one purpose: to have fun.

LETHAL WEAPON 4:

Hey... shut up, man.

LOSS OF FREEDOM:

A vice of the devil, with this wonderful world of immediate communication (pagers, cell phones, etc.), you lose time for yourself to be alone.

LOVE-LOVE COMMUNICATION:

Computer sex... when you connect one toy/product to another and they make babies.

LUCKY KEYPRESS:

"Uhhh... hey, Phibe! Hey, it says 'would you like to hack the server?'. I'm gonna say yes, man. This is gonna be cool."

MACHO PHYSIQUE:

(see "schwa")

MAD MAX-IAN SOCIETY:

Where we fight for ourselves to get what we want. And then we keep them only as long as we can hold our position.

MAGICAL AMULET:

Often described as a crucifix or a cross, these dangle from the neck and lay between the bosom. When the wearer is confronted by conflicting ideologies or something they have been told to hate, they clutch the amulet and try to gain comfort from its touch. Such magical amulets can usually be bought from flea markets or carnivals for a paltry $20.

MALICIOUS MISCHIEF:

Another term for "oops, you fucked up". Often used when you are trying to be discreet about something rather important.

MARTIN D. KILMER:

Has a lot of work to do.

MAY CONTAIN PEANUTS:

Also known as "we're covering our ass".

MAYTAG

(has nothing to do with Devil Shat but Morbus said it once, so there): When someone sits on his ass and does nothing (eg. "it's better than being maytag", "all Johnny does is maytag all day")

MEDIA-CULT:

A cult whose actions are weird enough, dangerous enough, or morally disturbing enough to be covered by the media. The cult is blown out of proportion, membership rises astronomically, and then something bad happens.

MEDIA MONTHS:

The amount of time it takes for the media to run a story into the ground. Most of the time, this is judged by the ratings that each broadcast receives.

MERE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER:

A nose from one woman here, a different eye there, enlarge the lips, lengthen the legs... the art of creating a "better woman" for magazine advertisements. (eg. "she's just a Frankenstein", "she's a mere frankenstein monster")

MIND GAME:

When you are having fun with someone, but they are utterly confused. Also manipulation and sadistic pleasure. Playing with someone's head.

MINIMALIST:

A person who favors a moderate approach to, or who holds minimal expectations for, the achievement of specific goals or programs. The politically correct term for lazy fuck.

MISCONCEPTIONS:

When you totally misunderstand something, yet believe it is the truth. An example would be of people thinking Devil Shat is a satanic zine.

MODEM POTATOES:

Just like couch potatoes, you sit in front of your computer all day doing stuff on the internet and often, after hours and hours of doing stuff, you found you have done nothing at all.

MODERN DAY MORBII:

A bunch of Morbus'. A group of people who follow the same ideals as Morbus - rather they be offshoots of the original, or because it's the first time they've found their morals all in one place (read: fan club).

MORBII:

Two Morbus'. One reader's dream, another one's nightmare, two Morbus' could get so much done that they'd just barely be able to keep up.

MOTHER THERESA:

Hasn't gotten any media coverage. (see "Princess Di")

MOUNTAIN-MEN:

Although perfectly happy in their day to day lives, mountain-men (also known as hermits) are considered either crazy or too different to be understood by normal society. They break our rules, so therefore they do not exist to us. Strangely enough, that's exactly how they like it.

MULTIFUNCTION ERA:

The era when we tried to combine anything we used more than once a day into something else we used more than once a day. Products included alarm clock radios, TVs that could boil water, and a dog that could also water your plants. We see this happening nowadays with keyboards with phones built into them.

NEW SATAN, THE:

Besides Bill Gates, people only had the traditional Satan to blame all their woes on. However, most Macintosh fanatics seem to think that the new Satan might be Steve Jobs due to his horrible business decisions about Microsoft and Power Computing.

NICORETTE:

Inspires people to quit smoking (yet merely becomes a proxy). Also makes people want to name their first born son "Nick".

NORMALCY COUNTER:

Used to measure events, people, and other parts of life. If "x" does not register on the meter, than "y" means confusion. Confusion means hatred for "x".

NYPD BLUE:

A show which captures our hearts, and enchants our souls. (see "cynicism" and "yeah, right")

OPTIONAL KEY CHAIN ATTACHMENT:

A glitzy addition that is supposed to be exciting, but really becomes another meaningless and useless feature to an already pointless product (ie. outside floor mats with stenciled designs)

PANTONE 295 AND 2995:

Although there is a miniscule difference between these two colors on the PANTONE scale, the difference is just that: slight, miniscule, often times unnecessary.

PERFUME DE IWANTARAISE:

A wonderful invention, "IWantARaise" can be replaced with whatever the woman desires. It helps her gets what she wants by increasing the sweetness of her smell. Typically used with cleavage and tight skirts.

POINTLESS:

"You're just like a Lifesaver: pointless" (again, has nothing to do with Devil Shat, but Morbus said it once).

POOR BORED LIBRARY LACKEY:

Traditionally called "pages", these people run around and get you old books from down in the basement or where ever they store them. When they have nothing to do, they try to beat the safeguards on the library computers so they can see porn.

PRETENTIOUSNESS:

"Empty posturing can be most irritating."

PRINCESS DI:

has gotten way too much media coverage, all of which is very tiring and old. (see "Mother Theresa")

PULL:

Getting the motivation to go out and find what you are looking for. Making technology and so forth your own, instead of telling companies what you want and then hoping they push the right stuff to you (see "push").

PULL A COBAIN or PULL A HEMINGWAY:

Committing suicide by shooting yourself.

PUSH:

What we consider lazy. The idea that things will come to you instead of you going to them (see "pull").

RAPE THEM:

Not the sexual rape, but the same idea. To take forcibly what is not yours. A much more powerful term that can be explained. An example would be "to rape them of their body parts", literally meaning taking body parts without permission.

REDFOURDIMPLE BRICK:

Also synonymous with any Lego brick of any size, color, or denomination, this is always the one you are looking for desperately to finish your creation. But can never find, even after spending an hour rattling around in the box. Eventually, when you are not looking for it, you will find it.

RELIGION OF CELEBRITY:

A despicable dogma ruled by those who get more media time, fan mail, or controversy.

REMAKE YOURSELF:

Some unreleased Atari Teenage Riot song... was finally released with new lyrics under the name of "Delete Yourself" (see "Self-Help Group 2000")

SAVED:

Often used in quotes, people who have been "saved" have been known to walk around for weeks shaking under the holy spirit. Unlike ignorance, they grow tired of shaking and continue their normal lives.

SCHWA:

A marketing gimmick based upon horrible experiments on people involving anal probes.

SELF-DECEIT:

"We must not pay homage to any of the sacred cows presented to us, including the roles we are expected to play ourselves. The only time self-deceit should be entered [into] is when it is fun, and with awareness."

SELF-HELP GROUP 2000:

The main people of the band Atari Teenage Riot used to go here when they were feeling slightly depressed or aggressive. They eventually stopped going because no help could solve their problems.

SELF-PROCLAIMED MENTOR-WANNABE HACKERS:

All those people who mindlessly post the Mentor manifesto on their "hacking webpage" and swear by it, even as they run scripts and nuke people out of existence.

SIMPLE-TO-SKIM:

A piece of writing dummied up enough so that anyone can take a cursory glance at it and get the gist of what is being said.

SKELETEEN/EAT ME FOODS:

They taint one flavor of their soda with jalepeno peppers. Another has yellow floating things in it. Another, called "Fukola Cola" has more caffeine than Jolt. Their best is "Love Potion 69".

SOME GUY NAMED ANDREW:

His head hurts, brother of Johnny; (see "Johnny")

SOLIPSISM:

"Projecting your reactions, responses, and sensibilities onto someone else who is probably far less attuned that you are. It is the mistake of expecting people to give you the same consideration, courtesy, and respect that you naturally give them. They won't. Instead" we "must strive to apply the dictum of 'Do unto others as they do onto you.'"

SOUTHERNER:

Those who man every major customer service line in America.

SPACIAL WRECKING BALL:

Also known as an asteroid.

STRESS MANAGEMENT:

A nice politically correct term that allows you to go crazy in a video game and kill your boss and your family and everyone you know to relieve your real life fantasy/desire.

STUPIDITY:

An all-too apparent symptom of society's disease. "It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful. Ignorance is one thing, but our society thrives increasingly on stupidity."

SUCK:

Self explanatory.

SUICIDALLY FICKLE:

It's late in life, you have no direction... you want to do this, you want to do that, but you keep changing your mind. Now is not the time for indecision; the older you get, the harder it is to be something.

SURVIVAL:

Whether it be dog eat dog, or bear eat human, we all need survival, whatever madness its form takes. You never have to be faster than the wolves, only your friends.

SWOOSHTIKAS:

The Nike symbol. After being plastered on so much apparel and appearing in so many commercials that it is close to an icon of our times, one only has to put a vertical line down the center of the logo to realize that this is the Fourth Reich. As such, all symbols of Nike are now considered "swooshtikas".

TAMAGOTCHI:

The newest and cheapest pet around. Little clean up, resets when it dies, and can be shut up by punching a few buttons. Also has some nifty hacks which allow you to totally change the nature within its plastic world.

TEAM-OF-CHOICE, INC.:

Whoever pays the most for the commercial that you'll be watching.

TELETUBBIES:

"A child-size marshmallow candy--something like a pink, frosted 'snowball' with a mutant face stuck at one end and a strange little coat hanger or pipe cleaner thingamajigger coming out of its 'head.'"

TIGER WOODS:

The "be-like-me" celebrity of 1997.

TIPPER:

A term used in place of a swear, as in "tipper you" or "you'll only get tippered in the end". Based upon Tipper Gore who put those stupid stickers on all of our CDs.

TRADING LIGHTS AT VERVE PIPE CONCERTS:

(see "pointless")

TRAIN OF THOUGHT:

A term we use as an excuse to write bad articles and publish them like we meant to.

TRIAL OF MICRONOPOLY:

Happening late 1998 and extending into 1999, the "Trial of MicroNopoly" describes the Justice Department's struggle in proving that Microsoft has an unlawful monopoly on anything they put their hands on. The trial is expected to end when the last Department member has been bought out.

TRUST NO ONE:

A healthy new rule which should be taught by parents. (see "cynicism")

TV:

The media's new God.

TWIRL THE HAIR:

Difficult to repress, the "twirl the hair" symptom can happen even to people outside of the Valley Girl habitat - often caused by growing up on the original Saved By The Bell. Don't chew the bubble gum shit.

UIN:

Stands for "universal identification number" and is the system used by ICQ where you are identified as only a number... your name and info are second-best.

UN-AMERICAN:

Being compassion and free. As free as people will get, they will always want more. As much as you give, they will always want more.

VERVE PIPE:

(see "suck")

WAGING WAR TO KEEP THE PEACE:

(see "stupidity")

WANNABE GOTH:

A practicing goth, Wannabe Goth has written one poem in his life, and is currently working on his second.

"WE ARE THE WORLD":

Whenever you are feeling low, or need to feel better about yourself, put on a leather glove and sing this song. It's so refreshing.

WHAT DO TREES HAVE TO DO WITH CHRIST?:

They had to cut something down to make that cross.

WHAT IS LIFE?:

A far more important question than "Why?".

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?:

Walk away.

WHAT WOULD MORBUS DO?:

Thimk!

WHAT WOULD ROCKY DO?:

Win the fight.

WHEN I GROW UP:

A metaphysical stage that kids talk about. They don't know when they are going to reach it, just that they will do this or that "when they grow up". Most of the time, they never grow up though, and at age 16, are still saying the same damn thing.

WHEN SATAN COMES TO KICK SOME ASS:

When the Armageddon comes and the Royal Rumble (quote, unquote) between Satan and Jesus begins.

X-FILES:

Used to be a good show, but now simply falls into the realm of paranoia and self-mimicry. The X-Files is also far more important than parenting, as children have been subjected to numerous bee stings just so their neighbors can attempt to pick them out on the video.

YEAH, RIGHT:

A double-positive. (see "yeah, right")

YOU ARYAN PIG:

To insult without fully understanding what the situation is. For example, people calling us "you aryan pig" because we did an article on the Patriotic White Aryan Movement.