It is something which you can come to expect at least once in your life. Someone will look at you and say "you have it good... that's nothing compared to what I HAVE to go through." Besides having an incredible urge to punch the offending person, you know it's useless. Another person can not relate to your shoes, nor ever hope to fill them.

"You ain't seen nothing yet", "Stop your bitchin'", "Well, I had to go UPHILL..." The list can go on and on, and so can your aggravation.

But, perhaps aggravation and anger at another person's audacity are the wrong emotions. Perhaps you should begin to ask yourself: "You know, yeah, he's an asshole, but... why shouldn't I be leading a better life than him? Why shouldn't I be laughing at his problems, and shaking my head at the reality that I'm infinitely more well off than he?"

If you've been a long time reader of Devil Shat, then you'll know that this is not a healing forum. I'm not here to inspire you or to make you walk away from your computer or your printed copy with a warm feeling in your heart. It hasn't been that way for Thirty Eight issues.

The sad thing is that the trend has now been broken. Below, you will find enough steps to get you through many years of feeling better about yourself, along with silent chuckling at the poor sap pushing the shopping cart next to you. These goals have been hanging on my bedroom door in list format for a long time. Rest assured that self-healing has never been this fun:

1) "Sever ties with boring relatives and friends."

This is pretty reasonable. Boring people can be depressing. They sit on their chairs or couches, and ask you stupid questions like "How does your gum taste?" or "You got anything exciting planned?". Perfect days for them involve sitting in front of the computer and being anti-social to the fleshy entities around them. Or watching episodes of soaps and actually appearing to enjoy them, all the while commenting on stupid background objects ("See that lamp behind them? Man, that is sooo huge!").

IN OTHER WORDS: Don't hang out with those who "make up" conversations or entertain themselves in ways you don't find amusing.

2) "Endeavor to make your appearance as striking and unpleasant as possible. Looking into a mirror should be an experience for which you must steel yourself."

Knowing something that someone else doesn't is very fulfilling. When people look at your hideous visage, they will only feel sorry for you. They will feel pity, and thank god "they don't look that ugly". The key here is "mind game": other people are thankful that they're not as ugly as you. What a pathetic way to "one-up" yourself. You'll know that all you offend are shallow and judgmental.

IN OTHER WORDS: Appearance can be horrible and misleading. Be with those who can see past it, and laugh at those who give a shit.

3) "Hate your enemies and harm them whenever possible."

Nothing satisfies better than knowing you have made those who richly deserve it miserable. Your enemies are against you... happiness is best facilitated when those around you are supportive. Extracting revenge against those you dislike intensifies the feeling of well-being and wholeness. The greater the hate, the longer the joy.

IN OTHER WORDS: The longer you ignore the enemy, the more they'll interfere with your plans. Let them know who you are.

4) "Realize that all creatures and natural resources are here for your personal use and gain. Do not hesitate to slash and burn if it will create inner happiness."

Opportunities are passed if they are not exploited. Step on the head of your co-workers to get the pay you deserve. Walk in front of cars when they are more than two car lengths between you and their right of way. If it makes you happy, do it. If it makes other people miserable yet increases your morale, do it. Analyze a situation and choose the action which best benefits yourself.

IN OTHER WORDS: It's a dog-eat-dog world... take what should be yours, and exploit each time the opportunity arises.

5) "When frustrated, kick animals that can't hurt you."

You can replace "animals" with whatever you wish. Sadism has been passed down through the ages for a reason: sometimes it feels good. Otherwise, we would not strike our fist on the table, or yell out a spit inflected "Fuck" at things that piss us off. Our hair was not designed to be pulled out by its roots, but too often it is. Nothing is wrong with aggression to relieve tension when used appropriately. The flavor of our own pain after hitting a door allows us to realize that we have struck out at whatever has plagued us, albeit inadvertently. The soft thud of a pillow, however, leaves us unsatisfied.

IN OTHER WORDS: Strike out at that which gives a reaction. A cracked door panel, a banged-in pot, the roots of your hair: they each help you know that you have done SOMETHING against your problem.

6) "Ignore others' feelings. Rest assured that it's mutual."

Second judgment's and beating around the bush have never gotten anywhere... and merely slow down the inevitable progress that will make you happy. Assume that everyone around you is either for you or against you. Those that are for you will mindlessly follow your opinions and decisions, and as such, can be ignored. Those against you are against your happiness... and can be HARSHLY ignored.

IN OTHER WORDS: Do what you think is right, without regard for those around you.

7) "Scratch the paint on offensive vehicles."

In conjunction with number 5, this goal of inner peace is slightly more insidious. You can be all ninja-clown like in this regard. Someone pisses you off? Be literal, and scratch expensive damage into their BMW. Or redirect all of their business mail to the town dump. Or call up their work posing as their pissed off landlord. The more you torture someone mentally (as opposed to physically in goal 5), the more you can laugh at the lesson you are teaching them.

IN OTHER WORDS: The pleasure of physical aggression is immediate. Attacking a person's life piece by piece allows for a much more lasting satisfaction.

8) "Growl unpleasantly at people whose attributes you find revolting or distasteful."

If you don't like it, it's not conducive to your growth. Red clothing pisses you off? Tell them straight to their face how you feel. After all, they MUST have done it to you on purpose. For what other reason would they be in your presence? They are against you. And they must know how you feel.

IN OTHER WORDS: Speak out heavily against things that upset you. If it pisses you off, it's not right.

9) "Rip up flowering plants."

People with beauty are shallow, flaunting, and addicted to appearance. One can be born beautiful, tis true, but that beauty must be maintained and nurtured. Maintaining an appearance for other people is the most wasteful of hobbies, and goes against your own lifestyle (see goal 2). Constantly attempt to scar their image and being... drive through mudpiles as they walk near them, spill coffee on them, or burn down their beautiful house with their beautiful clothes inside.

IN OTHER WORDS: Those that spend too much time about how they look to other people obviously have nothing worthwhile to present.

Want to know more? Only half of the secrets to inner happiness have been revealed... the others will only come to a receptive audience. And remember, interpretation is everything. These can mean different things to different people.

98-Nov-17
raper_x@hotmail.com

all i can say is, fuck you to all those who responded with the pussy formats of "Tell me more!!" or "OH THAT WAS GREAT!!!!!". yeah, you heard me, fuck you with a capital F. You just didn't get the fucking issue you shits. if you did then you would be sending meaningfull e-mail, exemplifying how you push morbus' guidelines to others around you. the only one who looked like they even grasped the concept was Emptyhawk@aol.com, as for the rest of you, go fuck your parents in the ass and let them rule your lifes. I have better thigns to be doing than setting your asses straight. you all should be able to do it now, and as for the concept of morbus' guidelines being the word of "truth", they are only true to him. he is different from the rest of you. maybe you can relate to them somewhat but there has got to be differentiality amongst your viewings. as for the whole issue, i haven't seen morbus rant like that for awhile now. and most of what he stated i have found to be true. if you truly want to know more than why dont you idiots get off your duffs and go to a good punk concert, or a ska concert, find one of the people who pisses you off and tell them so: mutilate their dog if you have to, go find the highschool prom queen and deface her of all her self-esteem: tell her what a piece of shit she is and how later in life the highlight of her day will be the hour and a half her husband beats her down, find the person who is most likely to do better than you in life and start an argument on something they have no knowledge of: then make them feel like a fucking retard when you (the world's biggest loser) show that you have more knowledge in your dick than they do in the span of their lifetime. go outside and get to know and see the "true" world around you. go down to the slum part of town and stay there overnight, get to know a bum, buy him food, find out what makes him tick, go to him for all the answers you don't know. finally i would like to say, boy, wouldn't it be interesting if all the fucks who responded (cept Emptyhawk) had someone to report on how they truly acted. may you drown in your sorrows and lies tonight, mutilate you rself, and wake to find the world you once knew destroyed, because you heard it all from one who truly had the experience. One who was out there seeing what a waste the world is. And until you know, dont come responding like an idiot to this great concept of originality, because it fucking pisses me off to see lamers like yourselves ruining something that has the ability to reach the whole world.

Tell me more(bus), tell me moe(bus)....

GREAT GREAT GREAT!!! I WANT MORE!!!

HEY, that was fucking orgasmic!! You dont know how long I have been waiting to get about applying those princpals in my own life! Thank you for the set of guidelines and if you have more, I fucking want them!

Ok, I'm curious, I'll bite: Let's see the other half of the secrets to inner happiness. :-)

I used to somewhat enjoy parts of Devil Shat.... I read a few of the first issues.... somewhat amusing in their blatant rebellion against all norms but one... your own norm... no matter how much you struggle, and bitch at (childishly I might add) all who annoy you, you are still a part of the rat race you claim to abhor.... and not even a very clever or imaginative aspect of it. Sadism.... being obnoxious... masochism... stop trying so hard, and you might become a sincere member of the underground which you wish you were a part of.

Some words: Whether anyone is as rebellious as one can be, they'll always be part of the rat race. Otherwise, you'll be living in the forest looking like Uncle Ben, playing with bears. Have I abhor'd the rat race? And have I ever claimed that I am NOT part of the rat race? That's important... I have never tried to set myself apart from anyone else, because, to be honest, I don't think I am. There really isn't an "anyone else" to compare yourself to, anyways...

Trying so hard? Sincere member of the underground? Wish you were a part of? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not trying to be a member of anything. If you certify "your own norm", then you've already put me in a class different than your sacred underground. I don't want to be a part of it... Being a part of the underground is not defined by the individual, but by the group. I'm not a part of yours, fine. To some other people, I am. I could care less either way.

Devil Shat isn't the only thing Disobey does. And nor will it ever be. You can't define an individual by one of its creations. If you take Disobey as a whole, then it'll never be part of any sort of underground. And that's just fine.

give me more!!!!!!!!!!!!

December 19th, 1998 (AP)

Police investigators across the country have noticed a rise in the occurrence of automobile mutilation crimes. Since November 6th, police departments have been baffled by the number of car owners reporting damage done to their paint, citing what appear to be scratches not unlike those made with a key. On several vehicles, the perpetrators spelled out a strange word which has yet to be understood. Investigators are asking if anyone knows what the word, "MORBUS" means.

Ah the words of truth. I remember one lad in high school that used to be the victim of our pranks and ridicule. When we finally left from that alcove of hell, it was quite saddening not having him to bother anymore. But now I discovered his e-mail address... MUHAHAH.

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Devil Shat is published by Disobey & is protected under all copyright laws.
Devil Shat Thirty Nine was released on 11/05/98. Last updated: 01/02/99.