I got your balls foo'....!

the devil's dump
by various

We've got a large amount of The Devil's Dump for you this issue. They just kept building up and up and finally we threw them all into here. Rest assured that within four weeks, we'll be back to our regular length articles of wit, sarcasm, and thought you have come to... hmm... that's a cliche.

Anyway, if you were reading carefully, you might have noticed that we said four weeks. That's because the next issue will be our Christmas issue. And for that we are throwing away our sarcasm, our wit, and so forth to bring you a heart warming story which will make you want to give and love and turn over a new leaf.

No, really.

Inventive Spammers
by Morbus

You've got to have some sort of respect for spammers for a number of reasons: first off, they keep trying; secondly, they don't get bored easily... they always send around the same get rich quick money scheme. But you have to wonder why? What possesses people to spread this great big money thing around besides to get more money themselves? It makes sense, but it creates hatred. And finally, you just gotta respect spammers cos they can be creative. I received this in my mail a while ago:

Subject: $100,000.00 Reward kidnapped Aids Murder

I need your help. ex-Dayton Power & Light President Allen M Hill is responsible for having my girlfriend, and my 77 year old mom and dad injected with the AIDS virus. $100,000.00 Reward


Now, stuff like this is just great! You don't have to do anything except go to a website and check it out! And you could win a crapload of money. The best thing about this little piece of spam is that it appeals to our hearts. There is a girlfriend, and two very old decrepit parents, and now their life is forfeit (hey, come on... she was 77, anyway). It brings a tear to my eye to think that there are people out in this world who want to take a life indirectly. Of course, lucky spammer, HE wasn't injected with the virii (he must have been at his computer), but we'll ignore that fact right now.

And what the hell does that subject line mean? Are those keywords? Or is there some massive spam engine where you can search for the most interesting bits you can use to annoy other people and murder just happens to be relatively high on the buzzword list?

UPDATE (03/01/98): It had to happen. Morbus got yet another interesting spam mail. Click here for Devil Shat Eighteen and read about his encounter with "Spam Extortion".

The Pats, "For Real!?"
by D-Word, heavily modified by Morbus

True "Pats" fans got off to a great start this season with a 4-0 record. Just when we think Super Bowl Champions, the first huge game comes up and they get crushed. [Insert extensive football stats and other stupid info]. The "Pats" are a great team, but they don't have the staying power.

But, of course, they sure do know how to have a great time. How many people had a little chuckle when the news came that three Patriots injured some lady by stage diving? The injury isn't a big deal... people get injured at shows all the time when they start doing stupid things and thinking they are all bad-ass. The only difference in this case is the fact that they are "athletes" and are relatively "famous".

I don't see anything coming out of this besides either, (a) it is quietly settled with a large sum of "shut the hell up, we'll buy you a new car" money or, (b) "hey, look! i'm gonna sue their football asses!". Everyone thinks they can make a buck, but not everyone can. Everyone thinks it is always a lot easier just to sue someone and get some of the bucks they have made. And what if they lose? Write a book, or sell your "He Raped Me in the Crowds!" story to the National Enquirer. It's all the same.

Why Cars Are The Devil
by Rick Dobs

Pardon me for sounding antique, but I can't help wondering if the "automobile" was the bright idea of a genius inventor, or the "demon seed from hell". Consider this... while the four-wheeled wonder propelled mankind into super-racedom, it also began to slowly poison our air and compact and pave our soil. We certainly would not be where we are today had it not been for this invention, but I find myself asking... "Is this such a good thing?"

Our lives revolve around the fact that we can now get "there" quicker, and get more of a thing to "there". I speak from slight experience... I'm a professional truck driver. I'm the driver of that big thing that's in your way, or in your mirrors, each and every day, trying to get more of a thing to "there", and there, and there... We, as a civilization, have become so stressed out about getting "there" quicker than the driver beside, behind, or ahead of us that we forgot that it's not the "there" that is important. The MOST important thing about getting "there" is what we do and learn along the way... who we meet and talk to... how our souls are stirred.

That, however, isn't nearly as important as being the first to get "there". By the way, where is it again, that we're going?

The Latest from Geocities
by Ivan S. Graves

Has anyone seen the latest from GeoCities, what once was a wonderful place for websurfers to visit, and webmasters to have access to? It has turned into an absolute nightmare whose basis and direction has taken an awful 360 right into the abyss.

While I'm all for free enterprise and advertising - hey funding keeps all this stuff alive - when it detracts from the web surfers original intent to see a website, and makes it nearly impossible to even get in... then it's a nuisance. A downright outrage! FrightNet Online Magazine uses banner ads, yes. And if FrightNet gets chosen by it's sponsors to be bumped up on the 'totem pole' then it may have an ad that pops up before the website does. Fine. Dandy. No problem at all. It's how we keep the web free. But there is a button you can click on the screen that will allow you to get past the screen and into the website you came for. Although distracting at first, it does not detract and allows the web surfer to continue on to his desired destination.

Not so at GeoCities. Of course, this is not the case for every surfer. Some browsers will do what it says it will do: automatic refresh to the desired page within 10 seconds. I use MSIE and it DOES recognize the META HTTP REFRESH tag that makes this feat possible... but my browser won't go. Instead I'm stuck in this awful advertising page that loads and reloads, and reloads, and... well, you get the idea.

If you feel like it, you can sit for an hour trying to guess what one of the interior html files may be called and get in that way... but this could take days, weeks, months. Time the average surfer does not have. And everyone knows web surfing is driven by speed. If it takes a page more than a couple minutes to load he's likely to traipse right on out of there. In other words, you can nuke a sandwich in less than 30 seconds in the micro, why sit waiting for a website to load for longer than it would take to nuke it... and then consume it?

Part of the attraction of the GeoCities area has been for it's wide assortment of popular websites devoted to speculative fiction, artwork and the like. It's a goldmine of horrific artifacts any fan of the genre has surely frequented. Some of our favorite sites are in GeoCities.

I think they SHOULD advertise... they are providing a worthwhile service to those who want it and need it. I would have no problem whatsoever if I saw a banner ad on those pages somewhere- and, if I was using GeoCities to host my site, I'd have no problem having a banner ad on my site either at the top or the bottom of the page. Hey, otherwise I can go spend over $1000 a year to get the same thing.

UPDATE (03/01/98): Ok. So Geocities' first attempt at "innovative advertising" failed miserably. And their second? Just as worse. Click here to go to Devil Shat Eighteen and read all about it.

Do You Know Who Your Children Are?
by Rick Dobs

Did you ever see the commercial on TV done by the actor who plays Frazier Crane's brother? In this commercial, he points out that by taking time to have ALL the family sit down at the table to eat, ALL at the same time, you are taking the first step to becoming a "family" again.

I think he has a very important point! I also think that you and I see our kids in passing. Our spouse is either on their way to work, or just getting home - being "dog tired". The phone is ringing every other minute, and your favorite TV show is about to start. When, in all that ruckus, do we have time to sit and talk to each other??

At 10 pm, the TV station used to ask if you know where your children are. It never asked if you know WHO your children are! Or your spouse for that matter. I know. My wife complains daily that I never listen to her, I just talk about me (a slight exaggeration, I am sure...). Do you know WHO your children are? What they like, dislike? What they want to do with their lives as they grow up? Is there anything more important than our children, the next "rulers" of this planet??

Whatever you think you need to do, take time to sit together for a meal, and talk to each other! (but more than once... of course...)! I think the world will be a better place because you did

Growing Up and Growing Older
by Morbus

One of the biggest pet peeves that I have is the difference between growing up and growing older. For example, kids are always saying "when I grow up, I'm gonna be a rocket scientist". I never understood why people don't start their "dreams" when they have them. Why doesn't the kid start learning about rockets now? Why doesn't he find all that he can about rocketry... even if he doesn't understand it, at least he'll be one step closer to his "dream". Sure, we all know kids are fickle and probably tomorrow he'll want to be a "dinosaur man", but you should be what you want now. I got sick of people saying, "you can do anything you want" and then adding the whispered "as soon as you get out of school". Do what you want to be NOW...

It is doubly sad when you see people who are 17 saying that when they grow up they are going to be a psychologist. You are 17. You are grown up. You should already be on your way to being what you want. If you still keep changing your mind day after day, and being suicidally fickle, then you should start saying "when I grow older".

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YOUR comments on driving the speed limit in the fast lane;" WHAT PART OF SPEED LIMIT DON"T YOU UNDERSTAND" The whole goddamn nation is laboring under the illusion that the left lane has no fucking speed limit. IT DOES!! I used to think that it was just a california phenom. but not anymore. YIU talked of know who your children are, well,.... probably little scofflaws, that will grow to be big scofflaws. I would like to see you address the subject of government intrusion on personal choice ie; helmet and seat belt regs. I sure the fuck don"t like them but how do I expect my kids to respect ANYTHING if I teach them to disregaurd the crap that big brother has deemed proper?


AHA! Now I know who has been sitting in the fast lane going the speed limit when I am trying to get to work. Please thank Rick Dobs for me.......there is nothing more aggravating than that. By the way, when he finally does get "there", maybe he would like to sit down to dinner once a day with my parents (as we did) and maybe he will change his mind about that whole article and the world being a better place because of it. Yikes, and I thought I was naive.

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Devil Shat is published by Disobey & is protected under all copyright laws.
Devil Shat Fifteen was released on 12/04/97. Last updated: 01/02/99.