Up the ass and right back out again.

going backwards
by Morbus

You know, I miss barking like a dog (bitch). I miss acting like a girl. I miss questioning the brute force about how big their penis is. In essence, I miss roleplaying. Why all of a sudden? Third Edition. The talk of the gaming world.

Yup. Wizard's of the Coast, new publishers of Dungeons and Dragons (gone be the "Advanced". And not because we're smarter) is releasing a third edition of the ruleset. And they've added a novel buzzword to the thing: "open source".

Sigh. Apparently, Third Edition will be flexible enough to allow any gaming environment to be adapted to it. Generic as it were. That is nothing new. GURPS, from Steve Jackson Games (my hero) was designed to be generic, and despite annoying loopholes, has accomplished it quite nicely. FUDGE, free and readily available, is also heartily mentioned.

Third Edition being open sourced is relatively important though. Not only are the Dungeons and Dragons rules the most memorable (almost everyone has been exposed to it, whether it be Satan fearing religious nuts or Monsters and Mazes "gonna kill you in the sewer" exploitation people), but D&D fans are the most rabid people I know. (Of course, the little voices in my head keep reminding me of the TOON game I played in. Those are times best left unsaid.)

But why bring this up in Devil Shat? Because, all this talk about Third Edition has made me yearn for those memories. I ran to my favorite hobby store, having disappeared from it for a year, and picked up the latest issues of magazines I'd grown to love. Happy joyous times flooded back to me.

Its thinking about this crap that has really made me sad. I want to go backwards, to sit in front of a circular table in a dusty cellar, eating Cheetos and drinking more soda than the bladder dare hold. I want to play with my crappily drawn miniatures, rolling dice like a pro, being the weirdo that everyone said I was.

Have I become so civilized and normal to forget my gaming roots?

After so many years of not playing, will I be welcomed back?

Have the characters that bubbled from my mind disappeared forever?

Does anyone want to play with me?

Was that last sentence really as sexual as I read it as?

Sigh. (On a side note, if you do run a game and have room for me, lemme know, dammit. I'm no munchkin.)

assholic and the devil's dump
by Rown Garnbii

or: God, I can't believe I'm up this early...

I'm betting that even despite their biting wordage and well structured forms, you probably think my social commentaries on the state of modern religion got a bit worn out. Talk about beating a dead horse, eh?

I know you think this. I know you think this because I think this and I'm smarter then you so it stands to reason.

And considering Morbus, by his own admission, has been phoning it in as of late (let's not deny it) I wouldn't want to bore you. So this month you get four, four, four columns in one... and some plugs.

God Bless America... Hey! Put That Down!

Well, another Independence Day has come and gone and it was extremely eventful-less. In my state, Minnesota, like many others, the legislative wizards in charge, some ten years ago, banned the public purchase and private use of fireworks... Fuck.

Ever since, the Fourth of July has been a sad, sorry event in my town. Gone are the days of getting to know your neighbors through block parties, enjoying home cooked fried chicken and comparing different mother's potato salad, all while the children play a rousing game of stickball under the brilliant glow of bottle rockets and spinners the fathers launch to dazzle the crowd.

Actually, none of that ever happened in my 'hood but who cares, I wanna blow things up to celebrate America!

But just because that extravaganza never happened in my neck of the woods, doesn't mean it doesn't happened. In fact, I never even knew what I was missing until I went on vacation three years ago. Heading to Yellowstone, we took a rest in Gardner, Montana, near the park's main northern gate.

No sooner did darkness fall, when I heard numerous explosions outside my window. Always attracted to sounds of violence, I stepped out on the deck to see a fireworks show rivaling any of the pussy crapfests the government puts on over here. Fireworks filled the sky and a string of firecrackers, which must've been a hundred feet long, was popping in the street for almost ten minutes.

THIS is what the Fourth of July should be every year. Why does no one get that anymore?

Fuck that. This is what every night should be, here in America. A country so great it even allows the assholes in the next two segments to run free.

Peta... Aw, Jeez...

God, I hate these guys.

In fact, God, if you're up there and you are indeed a loving god, then please see fit to ignore my last ten columns and show the world mercy by smiting these wretched assholes off the face of the Earth... Come on, you haven't done any good smiting in a while, it'll be fun.

Not to say I wish harm on my fellow man but I've never met one Peta member who didn't bug me. Plus, they're hypocrites.

Case in point: Most of you have probably heard the stink they're making about the wretchedly addicting showcase of human depravity, "Survivor". Everywhere I turn I see them bitching about wanting to save the lives of the rats and the chickens who are so mercilessly killed for food. This should show you all never to believe these damn hippies when they talk about the Indians and how they only caught what they were going to eat. Yeah, they're at one with mother nature after axing a hundred head of buffalo, but "Rudy the Ex-Navy SEAL" is verbally abused for gnawing the head off a rat to keep from wasting away... assholes.

Secondly, notice that during all the hype about the rats and chickens, no Peta ass had yet leapt to the defense of the twenty or so Manta Rays they've fried up.

Personally, one of my biggest problems with all vegetarians in general (especially the ones concerned about eating things with faces) is that I think they're just picking on the vegetables. Why the Hell are animals so much more important and worth defending than plants. As Poison Ivy of Batman Comics so astutely points out, plants dominate the Earth, were here before man, will be here after, and are slaughtered buy the trillions each day. And keep in mind that plants, a good half the time, are still alive when you bite into them.

I'll admit, I prey on weaker species, but at least I do it democratically, not giving special treatment to any one food group.

If you want a shock, check out what Peta's got their planthooks into this month. Go to http://www.peta.com/ or http://www.meatstinks.com/ and look through their McCruilty's Unhappy Meal campaign. Apparently, they're going from MacDonalds to MacDonalds (kind of unfairly leaving out Burger King, don't you think?) and handing out fake Happy Meal boxes to children, packed with cardboard cutouts of a knife-wielding, blood soaked Ronald MacDonald, and toys of bloody calves with their throats slit open... to kids...

I'm going to stop talking about these guys now....

God Bless America... Hey, Don't Watch That!

Why is it that so many sucky special interest groups start with the letter "P"? First, PETA, now the PTC. Actually, I suppose that's just two, but it's two too many, eh?

If you've never heard of them, they are the Parents Television Council and they suck. Let me admit something right off the bat. Feel free to judge me for it, I judge you guys every day. I'm a wrestling fan. A huge one. I have been since I was seven. Within the last five years I've especially enjoyed the moral downslide that wrestling has taken. It now brandishes foul language and sexual innuendo. Pimps, hos and everything in between. Coincidentally, it's more popular then ever. But now, this club of tossers led by (sigh) Steve Allen, is attacking one of the few things I love in this world because he, like so many other dipshits out there, fails to realize that wrestling is fake.

You see, that's what I like about it. It gives me mindless violence, horrible people stabbing each other in the back, and some of the most dysfunctional and just plain wrong examples of Americana I've ever witnessed to my living room, but it's all fake. It's not like these wankers on the Jerry Springer Show (which I prey to God are fake) This stuff actually is fake. They admit it.

But what does the Steve Allen Gang do? They bully the sponsors with endless leaflet campaigns until they pull out. Why? Simple. Because we live in a country where Steve Allen, and his piano, can tell you what to watch. WoooWeee. Where are my fireworks? I want to celebrate... Oh yeah, they're ILLEGAL!!!

A lot of people in my position would be shouting "First Amendment!" I'm not, because no one cares about the right to say what you want anymore, but what I'm asking is why isn't my right to hear what I want protected? Why isn't that an amendment?

If you want to fight these bastards before they come after your favorite show (given enough time they'll hit them all), go to http:/www.ptcsucks.com/.

If you want to support them because you're a wanker too, go to http://www.parentstv.org/

I Hate Cuba... Seriously

I won't even tell you where I stand on Elian Gonzalas. Fuck him, he's gone now. Plus, Do you really want to hear it?

But I am going to talk about the Cuban embargo. I'm for it. I'm very for it. I've always been for it. Why? I'll discuss this using two points that the opponents bring up.

1) Do the Cubans really deserve such a severe punishment?

Cubans? Not so much. Castro? Yes. Something that people tend to forget is that Cuba is one of a very short list of countries that have tried to kill everyone in America. Not just threaten it. Even Canada's done that, but Cuba actually tried it. They did. That's what the Missile Crisis was all about. Russia says, "We want to kill the Americans, anyone want to help?" and Castro raises his cigar and says "I do, I do!"

I don't understand why people think that it's somehow wrong to punish them for it. Now, I don't really have anything against the Cuban people, but why haven't you killed this guy for fucking you over so much already? Why am I talking to you? You don't have any computers.

2) But the people are starving and could use food and medicine. Why punish the people?

Answer: Why do people think that America is the only place to get shit? There is nothing in America that Cuba couldn't buy in other countries. Every other country has food and medicine. Only America has an embargo on Cuba. Every other country on Earth can and does trade with Cuba. So why are the people worried about where their next meal is coming from? Because Castro is the one starving them. It's an old tradition amongst despots. Keep them hungry and they'll never have the energy to fight back. Be the only one who ever feeds them and they'll never want to.


I want to make a couple plugs. First, I've found my new favorite person. Go to http://www.jesus.com/ to visit him.

My "friend" who's taken to comic book writing, Matt Tougas, will be at Chicago's WizardCon in August plugging his comic with his company, Dead Dog Comics (which coincidentally, Peta called in effort to get them to change their name). Go visit them. Smack him for me.

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Devil Shat is published by Disobey & is protected under all copyright laws.
Devil Shat Sixty Six was released on 07/13/00. Last updated: 07/13/00.