__ __ \ \ /_/i e w e r issue 2 vol. 3 August 15/00 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266 \__| |/ v_d@iname.com | _ |/ archived at disobey.com |___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ In this issue: WELCOME QUOTABLE THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MITCH PART I - BY MITCH S. THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MITCH PART II - BY MITCH S. QUIZSHITE WHERE ARE THEY NOW SHITE? $45.5 MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF SPAM WHY DO EMN HAVE NIPPLES? - FROM TVO JET CITY ORANGE PROMO HUMOURSHITE ETC :: WELCOME :: Welcome to the "this issue is late" issue. Uh huh. See I'm still on vacation and every day seems like a Sunday afternoon... So it wasn't until I was taking the garbage out that I remembered that I had to put out an issue today... Strange things that trigger memories.... Here's the latest of what's been up at Camp VD... After spending umpteen thousands (that we don't have) we now own a 2000 Dodge Caravan - woohoo! Actually the bank owns it and we just drive it. The bimbobox was to facilitate our family vacation, which I will tell you more about below (but no slides ). Here's a quick synopsis of my vacation.... So I drove through Northern Ontario, with my wife and 3 kids in our new minivan, on our way to Brandon, Manitoba (to visit a relative). The drive there was great - sunshine all the way (3 days of driving and camping). Coming home we decided to do a straight run (approximately 28 hours driving) and we ran into a storm off of Lake Superior (which is not really a lake but an inland ocean - it's so freakin' huge!). We drove through 200 kilometres of blinding rain, dense fog and wind on a two lane highway that has drop-offs on one side into the lake and big assed transport trucks passing you and riding six inches of your bumper if you dare to try and slow down and drive ...cautiously?... Asshole truckers. I hate 'em. But we made it straight (about 34 hours with pee breaks for the kids). I vowed to never drive that highway again. The Trans-Canada really sucks for non-commercial drivers. Not to mention that less than an hour from the Manitoba border Ontario gas stations were charging as much as .85 cents a litre (approximately $3.40 a gallon) yet 20 minutes across the border and Manitoba stations were charging .60 cents a litre! Fucking Mike Harris suck-up business scums in Northern Ontario. So getting to Brandon you gotta drive about four hours west of the Ontario border - four hours of flat, really flat, like a pancake with wheat growing out it flat driving. Other than the beautiful BIG SKY, it got old real fast. But the time in Brandon and the trips around Manitoba was great. We even made it down into North Dakota (about 1.5 hours south of Brandon). We crossed into ND and found no border towns, nothing for about 20 miles. Saw a couple of traffic signs with buckshot and bullet holes though so we knew we were in America . Really changed my idea of all of America being this densely populated place. I gather that most of ND is a Native reserve so hence the unpopulatedness (is that a word?!?!?). I got gas for $1.50 US and even with the exchange it was cheaper than buying gas in Canada. We were even going to drive through the States on our way home but then remembered that I had some marijuana with me and didn't want to infer the wrath of Yankee "zero tolerance" and lose our new van or worse - experience a border patrol executed cavity search...again Anyways, that was a quick synopsis, now let's move onto other things... There's a new issue of Capital Of Nasty that came out today. It's a really good read - with no cavity searches....unless you ask Leo nicely And in the Reader's Write dept.: The wonderfully talented Mitch S. had this to speaketh: MORE VD! Awright: Everbody Listen UP Here!! So ya didn't like the flat issue? Get offa yer dead ass and SUBMIT! Like, do you really think this is FUN? Week after week, cold sweat dripping into the keyboard, fingers pruny and pale from clenching the mouse, stomach acids churning away at the incipient ulcer...for WHAT? Who appreciates us enough to THINK? Yeah? PROVE IT! Gather the pitiful remnants of a once functional mind and SUBMIT to VD.... Yeah Mitch, go boy go... Send VD the little bits of your once functional brains - VD likes brain matter...tasty... Thanks for the sentiments... Qualinator@aol.com had this to spew forth: To: neil@yorku.ca Subject: Re: .ili..disobey..ili...: VD No. 1 Vol. 3 I was the poor Bastard that tried to put up with Candice's Shit last weekend -- you didn't miss much but maybe I deserve a T-shirt for saving you all -- A friggin martyr in my own time !!! Dude, I have no idea (or remembrance) of what you are talking about. But if anyone out there has a stinky old T-shirt they want to part with sent it to me and I'll send it Qualinator... Anyways, let's rot what's left of yer brains and eat the pieces... :: QUOTABLE :: "geezus, Neil, it's not like they don't provide washrooms for ya there..." -Angie C. after reading about someone getting busted on campus for urinating on the sidewalk. And no it wasn't me - I only urinate in cubicle farms :: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MITCH PART I - BY MITCH S. :: Why do I think Keren has a really neat set of acrylic fingernails, a chronic yeast infection, and contacts, just because she can't be bothered to spell words..or proofread..or construct a logical sentence? Dunno guys, mebbe Keren could do an issue..all about baby seals, and why eating meat is cruel. Probably could include greasy penguins with not too much effort. Run the whole thing thru the spellcheck, include a few *shite*'s, throw in a disclaimer...hey, somebody's gotta do it, and you're gonna be busy recording that mystery CD. I know, you didn't want that to get out, but hey, this is the electronic universe..didn't you think we'd catch on? Vacation, right. Gotta decent new computer, on adsl, LOVIN' it. So why doncha setup a website to promote the TOURETTE? (Working title) Ya got yer excuse to twitch, gesticulate, expostulate, expectorate, gargle and snarl..all in the title. Also..works as cute nickname for Keren..who oughta get to go on the 40 city tour as groupie coordinator..Bunny, ya gotta get outa there for a few days while Ms.K is in charge..there are laws against bimbocide. I think it's a $50 fine, and sure, it's worth it..but pointless..there's sure more bimbos than you've got 50's. Besides, a week or so in the hot springs, a few rolls in a convenient snowbank, and you'll be a HAPPY Bunny. Don't forget the sunscreen..Mitch S. :: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MITCH PART II - BY MITCH S. :: Bandwidth is the finest thing, except for RAM, to make me sing..this dsl supercharges all the Homers and their Marges..attracts new lovers, geekers all, and gets yer flower off the wall; old friends show up to drool and grin, pale green with envy, their smiles are thin, ain't life surprizin', I'm surmisin', broadband's soon on yer horizon. Burma Shave Diatribe/Rant> May all corporate bugfucking beancounters be reincarnated as bridge abutments in Trenton, New Jersey; those unrepentant lying frauds..aren't they supposed to be lawyers if they act that way? Tech Support? Don't make me weep! The whole tech support system for broadband access is beta..swear to God they hire those guys for minimum wage out of the labor pool; most of 'em can just barely roll the pack of cigs up in their t shirt sleeve..the captions on their tattoos are misspelled..believe their motto is "less filling", and all of their moms wore combat boots(they DO have Moms, right?) After three months of daily effort FINALLY have dsl service, and wouldn't you know it, only had to become service technician MYSELF to get onsite support 24/7, though it's difficult as of yet to get the beancounting pinheads to accept the necessity of PAYING me for this.. best help I got was immigrant from Bombay..and he was tres amused at pitiful condition of local support..so the access is wonderful, the support is piss poor, the price is right, the frustration is near unendurable..but it's the only game in town. Mitch S. :: QUIZSHITE :: I found this online somewhere I can't remember... The World's Easiest Quiz? (Answers at the bottom. Hey - NO Cheating!) 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? (Scroll Down) Answers To The Quiz 1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453. 2) Ecuador. 3) From sheep and horses. 4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours. 5) Squirrel fur. 6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs. 7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert. 8) Distinctively crimson. 9) New Zealand. 10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648. :: WHERE ARE THEY NOW SHITE? :: Ripped this bit from Zentertainment (http://www.ZENtertainment.com) '70s rock icon Peter Frampton performs on DISNEY's Tigger tribute, with a new rendition of "Show Me the Way," and the dance track "Tigger Bop." The 14-song disc also includes a hip-hop version of "Gently Tigger Dear." http://www.tiggermania.com :: $45.5 MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF SPAM :: I received these two notices in my mailbox and though I would "share the wealth"... -Ed. #1 Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 03:31:01 -0700 (PDT) From: Sadiq Abacha To: the_annihilation_fountain@iname.com Subject: Waiting for your reply Dear Sir, PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL It is with heart full of hope that I write to seek your help in the context below. I am Sadiq Abacha the second son of the former Nigerian Head of State Late General Sani Abacha, whose sudden death occurred on the 8th June 1998.Having gotten your particulars from the family's Close Friend, I have no doubt about your capacity and good will to assist me in receiving into your custody (for safety) the sum of US$45.5Millon (Forty five million, five hundred thousand united states dollars only) willed and deposited in my favour by my late father. This money is currently kept in a Trust Deposit Account with a Finance and Security Company in Canada. As its legally required the administration of my late father property is under the authority of the family's lawyer, named Barrister Mustapha Idris (SAN). However, the new democratic! government has on assumption of office set-up a panel of enquiry to probe the financial activities of my late father (former head of state) with a decision to freeze all his assets respectively. The investigative team have submitted their report, presently some cash and assets has been frozen and seized. Fortunately, our family lawyer had concealed the Personal will of my father from the notice of the investigators and have strictly advised that the willed money be urgently moved into an overseas account of Trusted Foreign Family Friend without delay, for security reasons. The government had earlier placed foreign Travel Embargo on all our family members and seized all known local and international outfits of our business empire. The situation has been so terrible that we are virtually living on the assistance of well wishers. In view of this plight therefore, I expect you to be trust worthy and kind enough to respond to! this call (S.O.S) to save my family and me from a hope! less future. I hereby agree to compensate your sincere and candid effort in this regard with 25% of the fund when finally received in your local bank account. The Attorney have perfected arrangement with the bankers to effect complete dislodgement of this money within a week of the receipt of your response through fax. They have equally guaranteed 100% risk- free and smooth transfer. Please all contacts must be made through my lawyer, Barrister Mustapha Idris (SAN), via e-mail: mustaphaidris@yahoo.com. for security reasons. I look forward to your quick response, thanking you for your kind understanding and co-operation in anticipation. Thanks, Sadiq Abacha #2 Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2000 05:50:40 -0700 (PDT) From: Sadiq Abacha To: "the_annihilation_fountain@iname.com" Subject: Waiting for your reply BISIMILIAHI RAHAMANI RAHEEM Colonel Usman Bala (Rtd) Plot 35b, Phase 11 Victoria Garden Ikoyi - Lagos. E-mail: usmanbala @naijanet.com Attn: THE MANAGING DIRECTOR Strictly Confidential I am Colonel Usman Bala (Rted), I served as chairman of the Federal Government of Nigeria contract review panel under the regime of General Abudulsalam Abubarkar (RTD) and was able with assistance of two of my panel members to set aside Forty-five million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars (US$45.5M) only, which emanated from Grossly over-invoiced contract awarded by the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) and Federal Ministry of Works and Aviation (FMW & A) to Foreign firms. Having gotten your particulars from a close associate I have no doubt your capacity and good will to assist me in receiving into your custody (for safety) this sum US$45.5M. Sir, with careful! collaboration with the Director of Currency Operations in the Central Bank of Nigeria, the fund was secured and concealed in a secret vault in a security company here in Nigeria, as a computer ledger cards. Recently in a bid to avoid suspicion and escape probing from the Democratically elected Government, the fund was freighted out of Nigeria through a diplomatic coverage to a Sub-regional West-European Security and Finance Company. I hereby agree to compensate your sincere and candid efforts in this regards with 25% of the fund when finally received in your local or off - shore bank account. You should not fear any risk because we have concluded arrangement to save guide you in the transaction. This business is 100% risk free. Hence it requires high level of confidentiality and secrecy. The areas we intend to invest our money are in purchasing of recreational centers (a) Real Estates (b) Hotels and (c) Crude Oil Exploration (Petroleum Prospecting) (d) ! Maritime Services. But if these areas mentioned are not feasible you can verify and advice us on any other lucrative areas to invest. For positive and much expected result. WE ARE ALSO PREPARED TO ENTER INTO AGREEMENT WITH YOU FOR MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING IN RESPECT TO THIS DEAL. Please you are expected to contact me via E-mail: usmanbala@naijanet.com. Best wishes Maa-Salam Colonel Usman Bala (Rtd) :: WHY DO EMN HAVE NIPPLES? - FROM TVO :: (This was forwarded to me by a friend. -Ed). When Inquiring Minds, TVO's science program for young adults, asked viewers to tell them why men have nipples, they were deluged with answers, both scientific and light-hearted. Here's a sample of the latter: - Rumour has it that Adam came first and, therefore, had to be fully loaded. - So that men don't have to wear nipple rings in their knee caps. - So that men don't get nipple envy. - So that men have something to pick on when they are bored. - So that they don't feel left out or inferior to women. - So that they will know which way to put a sweater/shirt/pajama top on and not waste so much time in the morning getting dressed. - To help doctors out when they are checking a male patient's heart, so that they know where to find it, which is near and slightly to the right of the left nipple. - I think that the nipples on men are where the end of the skin gets tied into a knot so it doesn't fall off. - The reason that men have nipples is that they are permanent hickies. They are a decoration. - The answer, of course, is: Just in case! - To make men and women equal at the workplace, so there is no sex discrimination. [yeah, right] - So they do not look silly in a bathing suit. - Because there are some intestines or organs attached to them on the inside. - Male nipples are actually "buttons". When pressed simultaneously they release hormones which signal the brain to respond with romance, flattery and sensitivity. - So when we draw happy faces on our stomach, we don't have to draw the eyes. - Men's nipples are actually the property of the phone companies and will soon be an integral part of the telecommunications superhighway. - Because He has a sense of humour. - So that they, too, can have wet t-shirt contests. - They're nature's thermometers - they help men decide whether or not to put on that extra sweatshirt when going fishing in October. - The nipples protrude and line up in a perfect V with the navel, which is inverted. This gives the body balance and prevents man from falling flat on his face. - It gives men something to talk about in change rooms. and my personal favourite - Because men are a faulty first prototype. The second version was new and improved. :: JET CITY ORANGE PROMO :: I received the following note in mailbox one day and checked out the site. I was impress, amusemed, grossed out, etc. I thought I would share it all with you (the Stinky Meat project alone is more than worth the price of admision which is free ). The Jet City Orange Webzine SEATTLE - Jet City Orange (www.jetcityorange.com) is a photo-centric webzine featuring digital photographs, free Windows screen savers, and random rants'n'raves. Updated weekly, Jet City Orange is a unique source of non-productive content on the internet. Founded in Nov 99, Jet City Orange prides itself on helping people procrastinate, burn up bandwidth, and in general waste time. Jet City Orange features no work-related material, original research, or income enhancing potential. It's only raison d'etre is to have fun, preferably at the expense of working. It DOES feature the one-of-a-kind photographs of Jerry Whiting known as "lens food". "I don't TAKE pictures, I FIND them." says Whiting, founder of Jet City Orange. "There are just certain things that catch my eye that I'm compelled to photograph. My day gig takes me around the country on a regular basis, increasing the amount of lens food I capture. Quite frankly, there's no end in sight." Jet City Orange features over 50 free Windows screen savers with more being added on the time. Recent additions to the collection include one commemorating the Stinky Meat Project (www.stinkymeat.net), one based on stamps issued by Jones Soda (www.jetcityorange.com/JonesSodaStamps.html), and one based on NASA images from the 2MASS project (www.jetcityorange.com/2MASS.exe). New screen savers are being added all the time and a screen saver of the week is featured on the front page. Other sections of Jet City Orange include a weekly refrigerator magnet message, irreverent social commentary, and misc. random rants'n'raves. Everything on Jet City Orange is original material and doesn't duplicate anything else found in the known universe. Jet City Orange is located in Seattle WA and can be reached at info@jetcityorange.com. :: HUMOURSHITE :: Received this in one of those multi-million forwarded email we all get. A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." Then, asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American." :: ETC :: If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section you'd like to write or if you just hate VD and want to send in cheap ass stupid insults, type 'em up and send it to v_d@iname.com. Music that inspired this issue: nothing This issue is on vacation... Next issue August 29/00 <-yes! a 3 issue month -woohoo!!! Deja vu __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ Morbus wants this disclaimer shite here. Why? Ask Morbus... Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah. Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __