__ __ \ \ /_/i e w e r issue 2 vol. 2 Aug. 17/99 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266 \__| |/ v_d@iname.com | _ |/ archived at disobey.com |___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/ __ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __ __ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ______________ _ __________________ _ _____________________ __ T h e r e a r e 1 3 6 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . . In this issue: WELCOME QUOTABLE MORE QUOTABLES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW MILLER HORROR - BY ANDREW MILLER MASS MURDER THEORYSHITE BOOBS, BOYS & HIGH HEELS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIE23 VIADUCT DEATH SERIAL CAT KILLER OXFORDMORBUS DICKTIONARYSHITE JOCKITCHSHITE ETC :: WELCOME :: Welcome to the "sex & death" issue. Seems almost everything in this issue has something to do with death or dying. Except the boobs piece - that has to do with sex. But seeing as the French refer to the orgasm as the little death, well, there's the theme dammit. Death, death, death, sex, death, death, death. Christ, I think I'm turning Goth or something....Ohhhhh, I'm soooooo depressed...I'm moooore depressed than anyone....Burp! Ah, excuse me. Sorry. What was I saying now?... Oh yeah, This is also the issue where VD dares to scream "Your Boobs Are The Best Boobs In The World! Feel it, feel them, Your proud tits." Of course I'm just quoting one Dianne Brill, so don't bother sending any "you sexist bastard" types of email because I'll just make fun of you next issue if you do. Just doing our part to help everyone's self esteem. Uh huh. Social conscious to the fucking bone, that's us. Yup. So I'm reading last Friday's "Movies" section of the Toronto Star while also listening to the radio (yes, I can multi-task). In that section of the paper there are no less than 3 stories on or about KISS and their movie DETROIT ROCK CITY. I'm reading the last story when "Rock and Roll all Night" by KISS comes on the radio. It's a strange world at times... Funny thing is Paul Stanley of KISS was just in town for a month or so singing the lead in The Phantom Of The Opera (to quite good reviews I might add). But when he was here he had really short slicked back hair - he even talked about cutting off all his hair for the roll in an interview. But the picture of him receiving his star on some stupid ass Hollywood walk of stars or something the day before, he has like 8 foot hair. Nice fucking wig Paul. Oh yeah part two, 4 words: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. Read Andrew Miller's review further below for more than 4 words on it and some spoilers as well. Consider yourself warned. Go see this movie. Speaking of witch (hehe) I got the following in a spam email take off of The Blair Witch Project: The Bare Tits Project In August of 1999 three beautiful models disappeared in the woods while making a documentary. Their footage was never found. Will you help us look for it? We sent Julia Parton, Becky Sunshine and Nikki Fritz into the woods to find visual evidence of the Bare Tits Witch. They haven't come back. Can you help us find them and their videotape? Well, I thought it was funny enough to check out and found a great graphic take off of the stick figures in the movie. This stick figure had big, round stick breasts. Pretty humourous given the theme of this issue. And on that note, here is yet another issue for you to do with what you will.... Scream proudly, feel your breasts, love your neighbour, lead them down into the basement in pairs, whatever works for you... :: QUOTABLE :: " My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." -Henny Youngman or Andrew Miller I don't remember... "A Microsoft official downplayed the vulnerability and said users are at risk only if an untrusted person is looking over their shoulder during the download. Microsoft will address the problem in a future version of Internet Explorer, the official said." -MS rep regarding a ftp username/password bug in IE5 "If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." -Mahatma Gandhi (submitted by Andrew Miller) :: MORE QUOTABLES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW MILLER :: If you wish to receive bi-weekly quotes from Mr. Miller, who BTW, is now declared by VD an "Honourary Canadian". Morbus also holds this coveted title. If you would like to be declared an Honourary Canadian as well, send a cheque or money order for $19.95 (US funds only please) made out to "Cash" and VD will declare you too, an Honourary Canuck. Anyways, to get Andy's quotes send a note to: amiller@teleport.com and ask to be put on the quotes list. Tell him that VD sent ya. ** Dreams ** "The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream." -Harry Kemp "You must go after your wish. As soon as you start to pursue a dream, your life wakes up and everything has meaning." -Barbara Sher ** Politics ** "Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers." -Nikita Khruschev ** Wisdom ** "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." -Naguib, Mahfouz "It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf." -Walter Lippman ** Ideas / Imagination ** "I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -Albert Einstein "Reality can be beaten with enough imagination." -Anonymous "Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats." -Howard Aiken "The people who oppose your ideas are inevitably those who represent the established order that your ideas will upset." -Anthony D'Angelo "I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck." -George Carlin ** Age ** "If the whole world depends on today's youth, I can't see the world lasting another 100 years." -Socrates Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter." -Satchel Paige "The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball ** Relationships ** "The Japanese have a word for it. It's Judo--the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is, Yes, dear." -J. P. McEvoy, Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. "A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?" -Ronnie Shakes "A date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is that there are not many job interviews where there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it." -Jerry Seinfeld "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." -Wendy Liebman "Keep the sunny side up and the dirty side down and I'll catch you on the flip-flop good buddy." -C.W. McCall "I say men with pierced ears are ready for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewellery." -Rita Rudner ** Intelligence ** "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Joe Theismann, football commentator ** Work ** "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." -Muhammed Ali ** Politics ** "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." -unknown ** Comedy ** "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die." -Mel Brooks "In the end, everything is a gag." -Charlie Chaplin "What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke." -Steve Martin Simone: "I know you're right, Pee-wee, but..." Pee-wee: "But what? Everyone I know has a big but. C'mon, Simone, let's talk about YOUR big but." -From _Pee-wee's Big Adventure_ (1985) ** Simpsons ** MARGE: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think of the name Larry? HOMER: Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will call him `Larry Fairy'. MARGE: Well, how about Louie? HOMER: They'll call him `Screwy Louie'. MARGE: Bob? HOMER: `Flob'. MARGE: Luke? HOMER: `Puke'. MARGE: Marcus? HOMER: `Mucus'. MARGE: What about Bart? HOMER: Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-art... Nope, can't see any problem with that! ----- MARGE: Ooh! A punchbowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party. HOMER: Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor? MARGE: Well, maybe we could use it once, and then return it. HOMER: Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here. ----- HOMER: This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October and I got a feeling they're going to peak right around January. Then, bang! That's when I'll cash in. :: HORROR - BY ANDREW MILLER :: Review of "The Blair Witch Project" by Andrew Miller amiller@teleport.com "There is more in heaven and earth then is dreamt of in your philosophies, dear Horatio." - William Shakespeare, Hamlet "More shit happens around here then you know of buddy." - Bill Shakespeare, Hamlet [my paraphrase] "This is the first horror movie in years and years that actually, seriously made my heart race in spots. If you have ever spent a night (or 16) camping in the woods and heard strange noises outside your tent that just freaked you out completely, then this movie will definitely strike a cord. Wow." - Neil, from Viewer Discretion (Hey, that's me!!! -Ed) *********************************************************************** If you want to know nothing more about this movie except what the trailers show, do NOT read this review. Some minor spoilers are included. *********************************************************************** The movie "The Blair Witch Project" [TBWP] is frightening. Even though the movie is not literally, factually true, the realization that those events could happen [in my own personal beliefs] terrifies me. This amazing, small independent film, which had a budget of $60,000, has gotten wide mainstream release in the United States and has already grossed the $10 million mark (This was accurate at the time of writing. It has now surpassed $100 million - Ed) Plans are underway for the creators to present an original "stickman" to the Planet Hollywood in Orlando, Fla. TBWP is about three student filmmakers (Heather, Josh and Mike) preparing to take a few video cameras, an audio recorder and camping supplies into the woods to film a documentary about a local urban legend, the Blair Witch [not the Wlair Bitch, tho]. As the legend goes, a woman was cast out of the town of Blair in the 1800s and left for dead. Over the years, weird things happened: people disappeared, bodies were found tied together in a circle, kids were grabbed by hands rising out of the water and so on. Your usual "monster-under-the-bed-to-scare-the-children" type thing. In the 1940's, over a course of two years, seven children disappeared from the town. In 1942, a hermit, who lived in a cabin deep in the forest, came forth and told townspeople "I am finished" and admitted to slaughtering six of the seven kids. The reason he killed them was "because a disembodied voice of a woman forced him to." He would lead them to the basement two at a time, forcing one kid to stand facing a corner while he murdered the other kid. He was put on trial and executed. So now we have these three students traipsing around the woods, looking for the cabin to take shots of it for the documentary. Heather, who is leading them with a map, gets them lost, then loses the map. During the days they complain and fight with each other as dread slowly sets in. At night, things happen: bizarre, unnatural noises are heard; piles of rocks are left outside their tent (which no animal would have left); little "stickmen" made out of twigs are left hanging from a tree outside their tent; a midnight encounter; and so on, each building until it climaxes horrifyingly at the very end. TBWP was amazing. Both the production and the direction were well done [from what I hear, the producers told the three young people to go into the woods to film stuff and improv] and the editing was masterful. There was no soundtrack, leaving us to the sounds of the natural (and unnatural). The audience was given no musical cues... amazing. Since I first saw TBWP, I've been engaged in a few different conversations about horror, what about the movie was terrifying, and so on. First, the directors used very basic materials to mess our brains with. Silence. Blackness. The absence of civilization. Unknown and unnatural noises. Symbols which don't make sense [the rocks and the stickmen were ominous signs, yet not ones that are well known]. The horror of the unseen enemy. The objective nature of the documentary camera, allowing us to voyeuristically see and hear what's happening, as if it were happening to us. The movie is filmed as a mock-documentary with incredible realism. We never see the whatever is supposedly causing this stuff to happen. Hell, we never KNOW what is doing this stuff... is it the Blair Witch, the guy from the Cabin or something or someone else? As in the movie "Se7en," we are forced to imagine the horror in our own minds. We aren't shown it. Even as I write this, 9 days after I first saw TBWP, I still get chills and creepy-crawlies up and down my arms. And I'm not a horror novice; I've seen my share of movies. Halloween, Hellraiser, Exorcist, Nightmare on Elm St., Fri. the 13th, and so on and so forth. But only a small handful of movies have disturbed me: after I saw "Se7en" I was disturbed for about 4-5 hours; "Natural Born Killers" for about 1 hour. "Kids" for 2 hours. TBWP tweaked with me for approximately 50 hours. On a bit more of a humorous note, I surfed the TBWP website the night after I saw the movie. At 4 a.m. Unbeknownst to me, my computer speakers were turned up. The windows in my room were open. Big mistake. You go to the website and text slowly appears on the screen and then fades to a black screen. Then you hear the "unknown" sound (that the kids hear outside of their tent in the movie) and I literally jumped out of my chair and almost shat on myself. Finally, I am not a gullible person, but the website added so much to the realistic feeling of the movie that I was unsure for several hours whether the movie was true or false. The creators have created a legacy around this movie: film clips, photographs of "evidence," clips from newspapers and so on. See this movie. From my observations, 30 percent of people say that it wasn't scary enough (stemming, perhaps, from the "mainstream-need-to- see-blood-and-gore-Hollywood-culture"?). The other 70 percent found it terrifying, disturbing and masterfully done. Oh, and if you have problems with motion sickness, don't sit in the first 1/3 of the theatre. People prone to vertigo complained of motion sickness when they sat too close to the screen. :: MASS MURDER THEORYSHITE:: Here's a sample list of killers or other criminal types from the news and the FBI's wanted list: Buford Furrow Ottis Elwood Toole Jose de Jesus Kratc-Usman Kushi Samuels Brooklyn Lue Chiron Sharroll Francis Esnel Jean Why did these men commit murder or other heinous crimes you ask? Because their parents gave them such stupid fucking names. Because of names like Buford & Ottis Elwood, the kids were singled out as knobs while growing up and ended up as hate filled social retards with violent inferiority complexes...and guns. Of course I don't have any scientific evidence to back this but it is a pretty strong hunch... Oh yeah and most of them are from the South... :: BOOBS, BOYS & HIGH HEELS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIE23 :: A good friend of mine, Bunnie23, sent me this collection of quotes from Dianne Brill's out of print book "Boobs, Boys & High Heels". And I thought I would share them with you all in return... Thanks B23. "If you don't know "their" rules, you have no limitations. That has always been and continues to be my guideline for success. In work and in love. With friends and lovers. From nightlife into daylife." "I realized that the key to making it in business was believing in what I had to offer. And I know this applies to just about every career and especially to love. Because without that unshakable belief, it doesn't matter if you're giving the stuff away...nobody will want it." "I know that when I really put my mind, heart, soul, back and boobs into a project, it will work. You can do the same." "A true sex goddess is not a bitch (though she may play one on occasion). She adores women as much as men (usually in a different way) and values the spiritual bond of Babedom." "There is Love God potential in every guy. English can be learned. Fu Manchu moustaches can be shaved off. Pecs can be developed, and style can be acquired (or enforced by you, Grand Dame of the Fashion Patrol)" "The rule of thumb is when in doubt, overdress! Be sure your heels will be at least two inches higher than any other woman's in a given environment." "Whenever barefoot, tiptoe." "Too many men? No such thing, doll, when there's so much love sampling to be done. Have a harem of hims, those datable delights waiting for their hot little love angel: vous. Hmmm. At its finest, monogamy takes you to the highest heights, and eventually you will find that sole soul mate...but take it slow. Procrastination is key when you're looking for love-lasting. Date till you drop! Close your eyes...pick one (okay, leave your eyes open and pick one!). Be ambitious for love while holding out on changing the monograms on your new towels after his first call. Save the "is-he-going-to-be-the-one" mind chant for later, like on the fifth call. This way, you can make the right choice after the fab old days of boy scouting. There are so many types of men, yours for the dating! Which is your type? Did you say "all"? Good answer! Be versatile! Be democratic! Different kinds of men will fill a variety of your social calendar." "Weight is a cultural condition. A media condition. The desire to lose/gain weight or become any particular shape is based on a collective image, somebody else's idea of the woman of the moment. Today's concept of the ideal bod is different from that of the past and probably won't resemble the accepted fab figure of the future. Because there's no such thing as a timeless, ultimate proportion, there's no such thing as a timeless, ultimate diet." "Size isn't the issue. What you do with it is." "You have the right to be the body type that you are at any particular moment. The key, I believe, is that you have to completely embody the ideal of that body in all respects. What that means, babe, is truly believing that your body is the best body." "Simply feel secure in the knowledge that what you've got is special and deserving of adoration. Only if you have the strength of this conviction will you have the great guys of the world eating out of your hand." "Ignore what your family, friends, and the glamourexic "bulimic moderns" are pushing on you." "Think of yourself as a marble sculpture, a Venus. Have you ever seen a skinny Venus? You have to be regal." "No department store "fat people's" underwear ever! Stockings, the finest quality, and always black. Guys love nearly naked voluptuosness; they give everything they've got when you inspire them with your being. With your soft skin luminous in satin and garters, envelop him. Be generous. He wants all of you. Now give that boy what he deserves!" "Don't be afraid to show that you love food: A hearty appetite for eating signals a healthy hunger in other areas your date will surely appreciate." "And speaking of sex, seduction becomes a bigger, more dramatic affair when you're big. Sex Goddesses are generally larger than life. You can get away with more extremes in behavior. For instance, grabbing him to your breasts, growling throatily, throwing *him* up against a wall - all these antics might seem silly done by a smaller seducer, but they're natural for the big one." "You have great boobs. Believe me, you do. They may not seem so to you, but like all other aspects of the Goddess Complex, boobs are a matter of attitude more than inches or consistency. Size, for instance, is such a subjective thing. Think about it. Your boobs are bigger now than they were when you were on the brink of adolescent, right? Firmness is also subjective. In the hands of your man, your breasts are sublime! He loves the way you feel when he's holding you, even more maybe than if you were made of saline or silicone, because whatever shape they're in they belong to you, and you and yours is what he wants. Remember, it's not what you've got, it's what you think you've got (and what they think you've got!) that counts. If you think you've got fab boobs, you do. Thrust them out! Flaunt them forward! Maybe you feel your boobs are "too wide apart", "too pointy", "too round" "too droopy"....oh, you babes: Shut up! Dianne Brill is here to tell you that Your Boobs Are The Best Boobs In The World! Feel it, feel them, Your proud t*ts. Believe." :: VIADUCT DEATH :: There's this bridge joining to the two halves of the city of Toronto. It's called the Bloor Street Viaduct, built in 1919. It was immortalized in Michael Ondaatjee's incredible book "In the Skin of a Lion". It's a high bridge spanning the Don River and the Don Valley in general. Well, since 1919 when the bridge open over 300 people have committed suicide by jumping off it (in a side note, I had a friend who was an ambulance attendant who told me of being first on the scene of a jumper from there. The person was hanging, bent at the midriff, over a security fence. He said the person was elongated like a cartoon character with intestines and guts tangled up within the fence - neat). Anyways, the powers that be are building an anti-suicide barrier on both sides of the bridge. For some reason this bothers me. I think people should be allowed to commit suicide from public structures if they so desire. Perhaps these suicide wannabes are being discriminated against? I think they should get up in arms and start committing mass suicides from city owned flag poles, stages, boardwalks, street curbs, etc. Make the city put anti-suicide barriers on everything damnit. So I guess if you live in around Toronto, or planning a combination visit and suicide attempt, and want to be one of the last people to do it from the Bloor Street Viaduct, then you better get here soon. Hey, there's an a idea - have a contest to see who is the last person to successfully kill themselves by jumping off the bridge! Give their relatives a bunch of prizes and whatnot, immortalize the suicidee in a portrait - in mid flight on the way down - it would be great. I think I'll propose it to city council.... :: SERIAL CAT KILLER :: It seems that there is a serial cat killer on the loose in the Toronto suburb of Willowdale. 3 dead cats were just found recently along with 5 found last month. The 5 were all in a garbage bin. Of the most recent 3 found one was decapitated, one was cut in half, the other was just dead. They are doing a autopsy to determine the cause of death of that one. Really. The news story noted that no collar was found on the decapitated cat. Duh. Cat owners are advised to keep there cats indoors or on leashes when outside. Yeah. Sure. Authorities say there is nothing to link the killings. Seriously. I don't make this shit up, I just report it. I think if they really want to solve this case they are going to have to check the menus of the restaurants in the area where the cats were found...tasty... And before you cat lovers on the list (MM & Angie) start sending me "how could you... you evil motherf..." notes, remember your words will be used against you next issue...(if that ain't a challenge I don't what is...) :: OXFORDMORBUS DICKTIONARY :: Ug - pronounced uh-g (hard 'g' sound), verb, New Hampshire slang meaning: 1)when one shouldn't have to thank another for additional services or favours rendered as part of a larger service arrangement but does, the proprietor responds with "Ug". Which is to "ug" it out, as in a comment tag in HTML code or a REM comment in DOS. :: JOCKITCHSHITE :: I read a story in the paper about a football player - Leonard Little of the St. Louis something or others in the NFL - who pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter after running a red light and smashing into a woman, killing her real good. Of course ole JockItch was piss drunk. The NFL in turn suspended him from playing in eight games for violation of the League's substance abuse policy (only *after* the conviction though. If he was found innocent he'd have no NFL penalties I'd assume - not that he really has any NFL penalties now...). He's still allowed to attend practices and play in exhibition games. Something is seriously fucking wrong here...Now I feel even more justified in hating football. :: ETC :: You can catch VD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want VD delivered to your mailbox, send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com Conversely, if you don't want VD, figure it out (it has something to do with empty mail and v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com - duh). If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com or don't. Next issue August 31/99 <-yes! a 3 issue month -woohoo!!! __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"... Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah. Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __