__ __ \ \ /_/i e w e r issue 20 vol. 1 April 27/99 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266 \__| |/ v_d@iname.com | _ |/ archived at disobey.com |___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/ __ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __ __ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ______________ _ __________________ _ _____________________ __ T h e r e a r e 2 4 8 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . . In this issue: WELCOME QUOTABLE NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY TOP 10 THINGS TO DO AT HARDEES - BY KIRK KITTELL YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT - SUBMITTED BY BILL C. LEIKAM TRENCHCOATMAFIA DOMAINS REGISTERED - FROM ZDNET NEWS ETC :: WELCOME :: Welcome to the "NO DOUBT IT'S A SPROUT"issue. You know while the States are out bombing everyone they selectively think need "help", their own citizens are killing each other at a rate that is unmatched anywhere else on this planet (probably this universe). But that has nothing to do with ultra-lax gun control right Mr. Heston? 220 million guns...15 kids dead every day due to handguns (accidents included)... But that's OK because as Chuck and company like to spew forth; "an armed society is a polite society". Uh sorry, an asshole in an armed society is an asshole with a gun - trenchcoats are optional. No thanks. Sheesh...morons... I'm all for building that wall along the Canada U.S. border one of those wacko U.S. senators talked about - but not to keep Canadians and others out of the U.S. - but rather to keep Americans out of Canada (Morbus and A-P are excluded from this of course) . In other news...Goatboy had the following to say about Anti-Press's satirical idealization of Canada in his Cyber-Gremlins piece last issue: "He's never been to Canada. For anyone that comes here to visit, they will never see a moose, an RCMP officer, REAL maple leaf syrup, NICE French Quebecers and I have yet to see William Shatner walk proudly down the streets. Ah, silly Amerikaeins." The Hardees top 10 list thingy below was lifted from a really good zine entitled Captain's Weekly Newsletter. It can be found at http://www.angelfire.com/il/weeklynews - I went there to check out the latest issue and ended up going back several times to read all the back issues as well. Highly entertaining and well worth the read. Go there - you'll be glad you did. And tell 'em VD sent ya. In even other news...from the exoScience list (http://www.exosci.com/): There are firm plans to send a sundial to Mars on the next mission, and then broadcast images of it in real-time on the internet. Kind of silly, but if it keeps the kids happy... http://www.msnbc.com/news/261858.asp -hmmm...ya gotta wonder how much something stupid like that costs and who's paying for it? Not to mention the questions of do we really care what time it is on Mars and does it really matter? Hey maybe it does matter... I just got an idea - let's colonize Mars and send every member of the NRA there so they can have their "armed but polite" society. I'd contribute to that endeavor... :: QUOTABLE :: "My show is plain stupid" -Jerry Springer "As you grow older you do one of two things; grow up or fuck up." -Joe Tomorrow :: NO FOOLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY:: Organic Wars Weapon designation by Rob Galkowski Although with the departure of Emmet Stiff from his Sunday afternoon shift, caused by his sudden need to learn tap dancing, the no frill's Warfare Division has not been put on hold. Nevertheless (what a strange word) I think it is still important to describe the various weapons and armours used during the no frillian Organic Wars. no frill historians will probably understand the value of this information, being an important milestone in the evolutionary understanding of the "clerk". Here is a brief description of some of the weapons used by the clerk. Cee Cee (Case Cutter) Emergency Gatling Granade (EGG) TorpedO Matter-Antimatter Temporal Organic Emitter (TOMATOE) Secret High AutoVolume Ionized Neutralizing Gun (SHAVING Cream) Bomb Small Personal Rapid Output Unguided Trajectory (Brussel SPROUT) Persona Interception Emissions (PIE) Generally Rotten Organic Smelly Substance (GROSS) Object Removal And Napalm Group Eliminator (ORANGE) Anti Vessel Or Craft Armed Detonator Ommitor (AVOCADO) Laser Emitting Mini Open-air Nailgun (LEMON) Self Emitting Non Seen Object foR Tracking Army Groups (SENSORTAG) Carbon Oxidated Liquid Attack (COLA) Chemical Holding Emitter Self Timed Neutralizing Under Threat (CHESTNUT) While the combat training is usually done between the Grocery and the Produce department, both sections have been known of deep military espionage. Most of the Military Produce Equipment listed above has been seized during commando operations in docking operations. Fortunately, thanks to the genius of our scientists (and lack of gray matter on the produce department) they have been unable to correctly use our COLA containers against us. They shake the bottle and aim it at us, not realizing that the pressure and the backfire will cause the high pressure liquid to bounce on the cap and hit them instead. Here we teach a valuable lesson: you shake the bottle, and with your Cee Cee, slash across it on the direction your friendly (but dumb) produce clerk is. This will cause the liquid from coming out at high speed and washing him down. This works great, even at far distances. The mushrooms are another of our favourites. They are very silent weapons, although they lack accuracy at long distances because of their shape. This is where the Brussell sprouts come in handy. They are generally small, round and rather more aerodynamic than your usual organic weapon. Their incredible silence as they move through the air is what makes them such a ... stealth. Some people only realize they are under attack by Brussell sprouts after they got hit. And sprouts, at high speeds, can be very painful. In fact, they have been seen ripping through a double layered "no frill" poster. So far, the only other object that managed to do that were the boxes of tissue (150 sheets, Kleenex brand). Perhaps because of their boxy shape, some of them tend to get stuck in between the two paper layers. The boxes have the advantage of a higher hit probability, but require much more momentum because of their lightness. They are not used for offensive attacks, but usually for a tease attack (read: desperate). NO DOUBT IT'S A SPROUT no frills organic wars Monday, April 26th - Monday, May 3rd "support your local clerk militia" :: TOP 10 THINGS TO DO AT HARDEES - BY KIRK KITTELL:: 10. Drive your car through the Drive Thru in reverse. Have the person in the passenger seat order and pay for the food. 9. Pay for your order in pennies. 8. When the cashier asks you what you want to order, act disgusted and say "What do YOU think I want to order?" 7. Put Alka-Seltzer in your mouth before you walk up to the counter and ask the cashier how much they charge for an order of small children. 6. Ask the cashier how much money she used to make in the circus as the bearded lady. 5. Wear a trench coat. Walk behind the counter and start looking at the food. When they ask what you're doing, flip out a badge and tell them you work for the FDA. Watch them freak out. 4. Ask for a Big Mac. Throw a tantrum when they tell you that they don't serve Big Macs. 3. Mumble into the Drive Thru until they ask you to pull up to the window and order. When you pull up to the window, use a megaphone to scream at them. 2. Ask if you can put a cheeseburger on layaway. 1. Steal the signs inside the restaurant (does that sound familiar to anyone reading this? No names mentioned here......) :: YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT - SUBMITTED BY BILL C. LEIKAM :: WHO IS JACK SCHITT? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt. So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his WHOLE FAMILY!!!" submitted by some Schitt-head (sorry Jon, I couldn't resist) <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> selected humor from the files of _____ _ _ _____ _____ _____ _____ __ __ _ _ | __|| \ / || )| ___|| O _|| ___| | | | || \ / | | |__ \ | / | --- | ___|| \ | /--, | |_| | \ | / |_____| |_| |_____)|_____||_|\__\|_____| \_____/ |_| :: TRENCHCOATMAFIA DOMAINS REGISTERED - FROM ZDNET NEWS :: Here we go already.... --- Trenchcoatmafia domains registered Registrars say they want to ensure that no one makes money off the name. by Michael Fitzgerald Two different individuals have registered the .com, .org and .net domains for trenchcoatmafia, both with the stated intent of preventing the names from being used for commercial purposes. The domains were registered Wednesday, according to registrar Network Solutions Inc. "Trenchcoatmafia.com" was registered by Redhorn Inc. in Hampton, N.H., while the .org and .net versions were registered by Jose Troche, an individual in Norton, Mass. Redhorn, an Internet service provider, could not be reached, but a statement on the trenchcoatmafia.com site began by saying "I registered it to beat anyone who would want to make a profit at it. What happened in Colorado was a very sick and twisted thing and I am very saddened by it." The statement offered to post information on emergency numbers or help lines that would aid people affected by the killings. Troche said his sentiments were similar, and that he hadn't registered .com as well only because it was already registered. "My motive behind (registering) it is so some other sick organization doesn't capitalize on it," he told ZDNN. "I have children, too, and I don't want them going on the Internet and finding sick things like Satanism and how to make pipe bombs and 'I hate blacks' and 'I hate Hispanics' and that." Troche, who would not give his occupation, but said that what he does for a living does not involve computers, plans to build a virtual memorial to the victims of the tragedy at Trenchcoatmafia.org and Trenchcoatmafia.net. Not for sale Troche's registration form indicates that the domain name is for sale, but he said that was not the case. He explained that the first domain name he registered, troche.com, was for sale, and when he registers new sites, it continues to contain that tagline. Perhaps because of the tagline, he said he's already received 55 hate mails from Netizens, and two offers to buy the domain names -- one for $20,000. "I'm taking time on my day off and e-mailing every one of them, even the hate-mailers, and explaining why I'm doing it. Somebody has to stand up for this," Troche said --- He better take his day off to answer those 55 hate mails...people might get so pissed off that they would actually shoot him....10 to 1 odds he sells the domain within 6 months at a hefty profit. And why not? Along with gun ownership, capitalism is the other sacred cow of American culture. Of course some would argue that the only culture America has is bacterial.... (apologies to Morbus, A-P, whoever - I mean those *other* Americans...nudge, nudge, wink, wink and all that). That Mars - NRA colonization thing is looking better all the time... :: ETC :: You can catch VD just about anywhere in America...really. But if you want VD delivered to your mailbox, you have to send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com Conversely, if you don't want VD or are angered by unAmericanisms then send an empty email to: v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com And we'll unsub your unappreciative, unworthy, underachieving ass. Pretty simple huh? Well, most of the time for most of the people. If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com or don't. Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth - http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm because Morbus really is an Honourary Canadian because he can like, think. Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org Morbus doesn't appear courtesy of lazyass.com Everyone else appears here 'cause I ripped 'em off but at least I gave them credit. Next issue May 11/99 <-Gary's birthday! __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"... Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah. Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __