__ __ \ \ /_/i e w e r issue 18 vol. 1 march 30/99 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266 \__| |/ v_d@iname.com | _ |/ archived at disobey.com |___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/ __ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __ __ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ______________ _ __________________ _ _____________________ __ T h e r e a r e 2 7 6 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . . In this issue: WELCOME QUOTABLE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. HORROR - BY GOATBOY NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY MORBUS THE BEST OF DAN QUAYLE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. SQUEALS ON WHEELS - BY LEANDRO "I'M NOT BITTER" ASNAGHI-NICASTRO SIG FILE SHITE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. ETC :: WELCOME :: Welcome to the April Fools/weird shit is still happening/Andrew M." issue. Really. I had a bunch of shite so I through it all into the mix, nuked it at high for 10 minutes and what you have before you is the result. So whatever you want to call it works for me. Find the April Fools portion of this issue and you'll be able to go around telling people that you are *not* a fool. Uh huh. And for $12.95 VD will send you a personalized authentic diploma stating that you are in fact certified to be Fool free. As for the weird shit still happening; since last issue I have had my PC system (including 2 hard drive meltdowns) crash countless times (thanks Microsoft), my Mac system crash once, a framed poster fall off my office wall and smash glass everywhere, my car key break off in my hatchback, my new laptop hard drive was shipped incorrect and was incompatible, and on and on.... But on the lighter side my wife got a killer new job. She applied for a part-time Assistant Convenor position at a social work agency and impressed the panel so much they called and offered her the full time Convenor position...woohoo! Middle class here we come... And finally, why the Andrew M. thing? Well, after winning last issue's Birdshite thingy he sent me so much stuff that I figured I might as well just use 90% of it all at once and then I don't really have to do too much thinking for this issue. So here ya go Andy, you're very own VD issue...you're special now... In related news - when Andrew was notified of the fabulous prize (VD logo in 48 point ASCII text) he won from last issue's Birdshite thing, he had this to say: Wow, I'm so honored. I think I'll sell all my possessions in order to sit 24 hours a day concentrating on the VD logo. ahhhh, I can feel enlightenment coming now! . . . whoops, nope. Sorry, that must have been those beans I had for lunch. =) Well Andrew, this just goes to prove what I have always said: there is a fine line between enlightenment and incontinence but knowing the difference between the two is half the battle.... Enjoy the issue...and if you don't, you can blame it on Andrew . :: QUOTABLE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. :: "Several of Rev. Dr. Mudge's friends called upon him yesterday, and after a conversation the unsuspecting pig was seized by the hind leg, and slid along a beam until he reached the hot-water tank. . . . Thereupon he came forward and said that there were times when the feelings overpowered one, and for that reason he would not attempt to do more than thank those around him for the manner in which such a huge animal was cut into fragments was simply astonishing. The doctor concluded his remarks, when the machine seized him and, in less time than it takes to write it, the pig was cut into fragments and worked up into delicious sausage. The occasion will be long remembered by the doctor's friends as one of the most delightful of their lives. The best pieces can be procured for tenpence a pound, and we are sure that those who have sat so long under his ministry will rejoice that he has been treated so handsomely." -from an English newspaper in the late 1800s, when two stories--one on a patent pig-killing and sausage-making machine and the other on Rev. Dr. Mudge being presented with a gold-headed cane--were mistakenly pieced together by typographers. From "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" daily calendar. "Regardless of the old saying, 'Step on a crack, break your mother's back', if you're really looking for results, try stepping *directly* on your Mother's back, or maybe even jumping on it. - Travis Williams "There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall." -Sidonie Gabrielle Colette "Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards." - Fred Hoyle "I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room." - Blaise Pascal "Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car." -Evan Davis :: HORROR - BY GOATBOY :: Wizard of Mars I could start by saying that this movie sucks. But why does it suck? Clearly something about it left me shocked or upset. By saying that the movie "sucks" I am not revealing much information on what turned me off about it. But with movies such as this one, I can't help it. The word pops up like burnt toast: sucks sucks sucks. It's quite astonishing to see how movies can be, beside completely clueless of what they are doing, ultimately boring. Wizard of Mars is one such divine example. It is supposed to be, or so I assume, some sort of exciting science fiction trip of four astronauts on the depth of Mars, in search of something particularly significant. Er.. yeah. Now, okay, this movie came out in the early 70s when technology for special video effects was not the greatest but correct me if I am wrong, Star Wars came out in the 70s as well, and beside some General with 70s sideburns commanding a Star Destroyer, very little can make us think that this movie is that old. It looks awesome to say the least. Okay, so perhaps Wizard of Mars didn't have the budget or whatnot, but you'd think the story could still live up to something remotely interesting, if we are willing to close an eye at the so called 'special effects'. Right? Alas, we aren't even lucky that way. Wizard of Mars entertains us by showing us what can probably be defined as the grandfathers of Kevin Costner in acting abilities and line delivery (for the few lines they deliver). They walk endlessly for what seems hours at end on Mars, talk technobabble that makes those Trekkies sound like they hold PhDs, encounter rubber hoses as some sort of dangerous life form, and then bore us to death in the end with a total of 15 minutes dialogue from some sort of creature from a different dimension. Describing this movie as painful is the very least one could say. I could possibly say, "rent it and see how bad it is for yourself", but no matter how many times I will repeat here that it is bad and that it sucks, the moment you will watch it you will find yourself twitching in fear, gasping for air, praying that the characters on the screen die a horrible death. And, oh, the irony of it all when our marvellous actors discover a yellow bricked road! And did I say that the only woman there, who beside being completely brain-dead and finding the Martian landscape to be beautiful (anyone that finds a desert beautiful doesn't get out much) is named Dorothy. Does anyone see the references here yet? I just have one thing to say: where the fuck is Toto? :: NO FOOLS OF OUR LIVES - BY MORBUS :: The day of the Joke It's sad enough to say that I've been slaving at no frills long enough to live through the day christened after all of our customers: April's Fool. As you'd expect, Rob and I had a good time. If you've been a shopper at no frills, you might have noticed a dirty smelling old lady whom we'll call SOLD (because who else would have let her into the world?). She has the tendency to leave her buggy in the middle of the lane and walk up and down, muttering to herself about how she'll "get Rodriguez back one day", as she looks for the freshest of the rotten. Oftentimes, her back is turned. It's easy enough to know where this is leading. The first time she asked Rob where her buggy was, in that dried cum voice of hers, he acted concerned, shambling around the store with her, looking down various lanes. I, of course, was bringing her buggy back to where she had left it. When Rob brought her back to the same place she had last saw it, she gave a slight little cackle, and muttered something about "how you misplace things in your old age". Her face was semi-precious, definitely not enough. After showing SOLD that her buggy was where she had left it, two more times, the game was getting old - the sound of her slippers scraping across the floors was getting to us. We hid her buggy one last time. She came up to Rob one last time. "I'm sorry, I've seemed ... " Rob threw down what he was working with, set his case cutter to high, and yelled at her to check where she had left it. And, naturally, she found it there. The look on her face then, and only then, was precious. Unless you were watching her when she realized, at the head of the check out, with a long line behind her, that we removed about a third of her groceries. :: THE BEST OF DAN QUAYLE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. :: "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." - at a fund-raiser for the United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 (he was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"). "I hope there's some respect and dignity for things I did not do." - defending himself against allegations of involvement with Paula Parkinson, 8/23/88. "If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure." - to the Phoenix Republican Forum, 3/23/90. "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." - "US News and World Report" (10/10/88). "My grandfather . . . saw where inherited wealth ruined people. And my grandfather was right." - on owning a half-million dollars worth of his family's newspaper stock holdings (ABC's 'Prime Time Live', August 10, 1992). "Add one little bit on the end... Think of 'potato', how's it spelled? You're right phonetically, but what else...? There ya' go... all right!" - correcting a student's correct spelling of the word 'potato' during a spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton. "I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But as Mark Twain once said, 'You should never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word'." - actually quoting from President Andrew Jackson. "I should have remembered that was Andrew Jackson who said that, since he got his nickname 'Stonewall' by vetoing bills passed by Congress." - confusing Andrew Jackson with Confederate General Thomas J. 'Stonewall' Jackson. "It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago." - in Illinois, 4/30/91. "This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. It will happen." - at a campaign stop at CA State University, Fresno, 1/17/92. "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." - Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88. "I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it." - defending his opinions about the TV show 'Murphy Brown' (Las Vegas, May '92) "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89 "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." :: SQUEALS ON WHEELS - BY LEANDRO "I'M NOT BITTER" ASNAGHI-NICASTRO :: I have the unfortunate habit of automatically looking at someone and classifying them into five categories: cool, decent, useful, annoying but useful and "I'd love to kick the living shit out of you". Handicap girl hit DEFCON 5 without much fuss. She picks someone at random to be her "friend" which REALLY makes me wonder about her mental stability. One day, without notice, she starts talking to you. Like that. Not that you asked, or happened to look at her in any way or anything. No. It's like the lottery. Today she talks to you. So I guess it's my lucky fucking day and she starts talking to me in the cafeteria. I really couldn't have given a rat's ass if I wanted to. Off she goes about anime` and shit like that, and I'm thinking of my own version of "Spacemoose" (www.spacemoose.com) and what he'd do to her. Thoughts of me setting her on fire and pushing her down the staircase start to look mighty appealing. But I hold myself back, you know, I need to graduate, and I have spent quite a bit of money already, let me finish this course before I go to jail. There is at times this little voice in me that says "that's terrible, how could you think that?" I don't know. How could I? Am I the only one with homicidal tendencies in this world? Also, she's a poor little girl in a wheelchair. And we have to be understanding, or so I am told in this society, to people who are less fortunate than we are, no matter how retarded they can be. For the first part, that's what's keeping me from wheeling her in front of incoming traffic. If I just sit here quietly and nod once in a while, she will leave me alone. But it seems the more you sit there and pretend to listen, the more she has to say. It eventually gets to the point that I can't take it anymore: "you know what?" I interrupt her. "What?" "I hate sailor moon and any type of anime`. I think it sucks". "W-why?! It's so great! Such amazing art!" And I go "no, it sucks. It's a shitty style with shitty stories, with shitty characters, with shitty expressions that are mostly made for snotty little girls that lack any sense of imagination and have to dream about 12 years old that mutate into 18 years old and fly around... sorry, but to me that's been done a zillion fucking times over. It sucks. Dead. End". Honestly. Some people take anime` a bit too fucking seriously. It's like when people greet me with the Vulcan sign of live long and prosper, carry Star Trek insignia all over them, talk about space ships or the latest Voyager episode and they think they are cool. I just want to kill them. Of course, you share this with anyone else, they tell you that "you are bitter and insensitive", so you just have to nod your head and have the fucking slob drool their awesome knowledge in your fucking ears. If you don't, him and the entire group of fanatics that found themselves in the school and formed the Star Trek Club will come with burning crosses in front of your lawn chanting William Shatner's songs. Oh, the horror, the horror. For sure though, the last thing I needed really was this bitch on her wheelchair shoving her fucking Sailor Moon up my ass. She puts her hand on my forehead. Gosh, your hands have been WHERE, may I ask? She tells me that "you are sick sick sick!" and I think she was trying REALLY hard to be funny or something, but it came out like she was about to burst into tears or kick me in the balls, if she had legs. Well, technically she does, and she stands up occasionally, but I think if I shoved her legs up her ass, she'd move better and would've a real reason to be bitter at life. Anyway, she goes "you are strange!" and she wheels herself away. "Peace at last", went back to my notes and J. (an anime` girl who for once is cool) says "I think you pissed her off" and I go "watch me give a shit" and that of course is rhetorical and needed no answer. "Don't worry, we'll go into our next class and she'll giggle like a freak at anything the prof says and will find a new friend". Yoopee for that. We go into class. Handicap girl tells J. to sit next to her, and she does, because J. wasn't really thinking. J. is one of those girls that can sleep with her eyes open and still look like she doing something. Occasionally her head hits the computer behind her, but I haven't met anyone as good as her at catching up with sleep and not get caught once. Anyway, who knows where her head was at the moment, probably still trying to recover from our previous fucking class with Mr. Genius the polyglot moron professor. Handicap girl starts to tell her all about anime`, and J. snaps back to reality, looks at me in search for help and I mumble something about a new friend. J. gets up, and says she has to do more important stuff than Sailor Moon, pissing handicap girl again. She doesn't really say she is pissed off. But you can clearly tell she's not a happy sailor.. uh.. uhm. She then proceeds to surf every fucking web site in town about the fucking cartoon downloading pictures and giggling at every fucking word that HA HA FUNNY PROF proceeds to say. Eight months, three weeks, four days to go. Sigh. :: SIG FILE SHITE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. :: Rather than filling up the Quotable section any more than it already is with more of Andrew's collection of quotes, I figured I would just cut 'n paste his sig file into a column of its own seeing as this is the Andrew M. issue... So here it is... CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. (Douglas Adams) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. If kids on your street try to get you to play a game called "Throw Rocks at Andy," don't do it, 'cause it's not very much fun. (Andrew Friedman) All that is gold does not glitter, / Not all those who wander are lost; / The old that is strong does not wither, / Deep roots are not reached by the frost. (J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Fellowship of the Ring") "Faith makes you feel all jazzy!" (Reverend Dr. Paul Mathers D.D.) The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to life, mad to talk, mad to be saved desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!" (Jack Kerouac, "On the Road") Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for an IQ test. "You smoked yourself retarded!" (Me, to a friend) :: ETC :: You can catch VD, from just about anything nowadays - use a condom. But if you want VD delivered to your mailbox, you have to send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com Conversely, if you really hate us (or condoms), then send an empty email to: v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com Pretty simple huh? Even VD certified Fool Free people can figure it out. Well, most of the time. If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com or don't. Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth - http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm because Morbus gets personal email from _the_Devil_you_know Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com Leandro/Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org Andrew M. appears courtesy of his parents desire to create offspring Next issue April 13/99 __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"... Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah. Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __