__ __ \ \ /_/i e w e r issue 16 vol. 1 march 2/99 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266 \__| |/ v_d@iname.com | _ |/ archived at disobey.com |___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/ __ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __ __ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ______________ _ __________________ _ _____________________ __ T h e r e a r e 3 0 4 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . . In this issue: DISCLAIMERSHITE WELCOME QUOTABLE HORROR - BY MORBUS NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY MEDIASHITE - BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE EXTRATERRESTRIAL AERONAUTICS WORKSHOP FIND THE BIRDSHITE AND CIRCLE IT ETC :: DISCLAIMERSHITE :: To those of you that let me know of your dislike, and to all of you who didn't but were still offended by the bullshit, sexist, degrading homearts.com advert automatically tagged onto the footer of the last issue, I apologize. Unfortunately these little blurbs, which I have no control over the content of, are the price one pays for a "free" service. If the adverts really bother ya, send a flood of email to the offenders and tell 'em so. I'll try adding a whole bunch of hard returns to the end of this issue to see if the advert is tagged on way down at the bottom where it will be unseen - unless you want to go looking for it. Then it's your fault if you're offended... :: WELCOME :: Welcome to the "joys of parenthood" or the "looks like chocolate but sure as hell don't smell like chocolate" issue. WARNING: The following contains graphic descriptions that may offend some readers. If bodily functions make you squeamish skip this intro. 'Nuff said. Here we go... My 5 year old son went to bed the other night wearing just a an old T-shirt of mine (he doesn't like pyjamas). As he climbed the wooden hill (stairs for the uninitiated) he asked if he sleep in our (mom & dad's) bed until we go to bed. I said sure. A few hours later I went up to check on all 3 kids. As I opened the door to our bedroom I got hit with a furnace like in-yer-face-shitwall-smell-o-rama, no need to scratch and sniff diarrhoea. Uh oh I thought. What an understatement. I flicked on the lights and there was my son sound asleep, sweating bullets with a fever, lying a huge assed puddle of liquid shit. All over him, the sheets, the comforter, it was like a Dali painting gone bad. Even the cat gave me a disgusted look and ran back down the stairs. I almost didn't know where to begin. Having to forcibly turn off my nasal receptors proved impossible and seeing as I don't own a gas mask, I had but one choice - take a deep breath of good hallway air and run in there grabbing him up in one fell swoop....yeah only in the movies. In real life he was so zonked that he wouldn't wake up and when he did he didn't realize what had happened and started heading for his bedroom bouncing into a couple of walls and door frames, leaving uh, liquid skid marks along the way. I finally got him corralled into the bathtub and began the process of...restoration. In the mean time the walls and I both got a new paint job of liquid shit and all I could think of is how could something that looks like melted chocolate smell so fucking vile. I almost had to puke myself from the smell. I felt real sorry for my son. Poor little guy. He was half conscious sitting there in the tub saying "why does this have to happen?" with the bewildered innocence that only 5 year olds can muster. So two baths for him, one shower for me and three loads of laundry later we were clean again. Yuck. Ah yes, the joys of parenthood... This issue marks, well, it actually marks nothing. Sorry. Wait, I know, it marks just over 6 months now that VD has been sending these things out every 2 weeks. And every two weeks the readership slowly but surely increases. God knows why. Even those who profess to hate us still stay subscribed. We're either doing something right or they're really fucking stupid. But thanks anyways. Love us or hate as long as you subscribe - we're not proud. Do you ever feel that you are in a position, say as a writer/editor of a zine, where you really should be saying something but you have nothing to say? Uh huh? Me too. Say, did you ever feel that you are... Actually now that Siskel (of Siskel & Ebert) has kicked the bucket I can tell you a little about an exciting new project that Morbus and I are going to be collaborating on (in reality it has nothing to do with movies or Siskel but seeing I heard some news story about him I figured it was a sign and at the very least a cheap ass, yellow journalism style tie in, you know - using a pseudo celebrity's death for shameless self promotion - see, I told ya we're not proud...). Well, actually there's nothing more I can say about the project right other than if Morbus and I were Siskel and Ebert, he'd be Siskel 'cause he's like dead. It's one of those wait and see things but here's a clue: WWOAPASS Attention Mr. and Mrs. America and all ships at sea...this just in... ANTI-PRESS EZINE #05 A February E-dition is now available for your reading pleasure. Read all about Spider-Goat and Canadians trading in our currency for US foodstamps to buy beer and TV's...uh huh. As always A-P has written an entertaining, witty/angry issue that takes aim at everything from comic guy extraodinaire Stan Lee to the (unachievable) American Dream. Go there. Now. Jump on the bandwagon before everyone else catches on to this very cool zine and beats you to it. You'll be glad you did. To subscribe to A-P send an email to Antipress1@aol.com with the subject line reading "Subscribe, Please" (without the quotes) and the body text stating where you heard about A-P (e.g. "read about it on VD" (without the quotes again)). On the web they can be viewed at: http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/anti-press.htm And one more... No Frills Of Our Lives has become a CoNmix strip. Check out http://www.capnasty.org/conmix/index.html to see NFOOL brought to life in vivid black and white... Morbus says "it's way better than canned tuna and half the fat..." Enjoy... :: QUOTABLE :: "It is not the function of the government to keep the citizen from falling into error; it is the function of the citizen to keep the government from falling into error." - U.S. Supreme Court Justice Robert H. Parker, Submitted by Studio Guillotine "Jesus didn't die for my sins. It's in the bible. Mark Chap 34 vs. 10. 'I died for the sins of the world, except Leandro's.' vs. 11 'So don't bother telling him about it. He's been briefed.'" -Jason MacIsaac ""There's nothing good in your lousy ezine. Write something that's worth stealing." Our reply: Naw, we're going to keep writing crap so that you'll have nothing to rip-off. That way you'll be stuck with only your loud mouth and limp dick." -Anti-Press in response to a reader's bitchmail "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." -George S. Patton, Jr. "Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?" -Homer Simpson "Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it." -Marshall Mcluhan Those last 3 quotes I raided from Disobey.com's quote script thingy located at: http://www.disobey.com/detergent/quote.htm :: HORROR - BY MORBUS :: IT LIVES AGAIN Lemme tell ya something: I like sequels who have the same cast members and are created by the same person who did the original. And that's something you'll find with IT LIVES AGAIN from Larry Cohen, a sequel of his original IT'S ALIVE (earlier reviewed within these pages). Because of this, I was not surprised when this movie rated high with me, just like it's predecessor. The Davis father is back again, helping the parents of babies like his own. Apparently, after the baby born in Seattle was killed at birth (we learn of it's coming at the end of the first movie), there was the Scott's baby (also killed at birth), and then two more which turned out to be duds. But as a fourth baby is on it's way, we learn of the special "team" of people which has been organized to kill the "monsters". As the fourth is born successfully, we find out there are two more holed up in a makeshift house / laboratory / nursery. The movie quickly gets underway as the two babies and the newly born escape from their cages (where they were going to be raised) and start wrecking havoc on those who fear and hate them. Sadly, even the Davis father dies as a baby he is holding gets frightened. I felt exactly the same when Randy died from SCREAM 2. Finally, as the movie finishes, the terror seems over. This movie improves in a number of ways. The babies are supposedly born due to man's polluted environment (according to the box cover). The babies have the intelligent at birth of a 21 month old child. They can reproduce within 7 months. Of the three we see in this movie, two were male, one was female. And finally, in a kick ass ending, we find the Scott father (the third family to have a mutant child) approaching an expectant couple... I dunno. These movies aren't that quick, nor gory. I just love em. Even if everyone tells me the third movie (IT'S ALIVE 3: ISLAND OF THE ALIVE) is a horrible piece of tripe, I'd still buy it. :: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY :: This is a reprint of a classic NFOOL column originally featured in Capital of Nasty ezine. A Catalogue of Grocery Customer Species with comments and suggestions by Jeff Wright All of you have been at one time done your shopping in a grocery store. When you go there all you notice are the high prices, the long lines at the cashes, and of course, the rude grocery clerks. If you worked in a grocery store like I do, you would start to be a little nicer to the employees, knowing all the abuse they have to put up with customers. Many of you think that because you are a paying customer, you have to get everything you want, the way you want it. That's not true. So, I wrote a little listing of categories of people I have to put up with. Chances are you might fit into one of them. Chances are I hate you. Everyone's Best Friend EBF is one goddamned bastard that finds it necessary to share his personal life with unsuspecting grocery clerks. Doesn't matter if the grocery clerk is a new guy or someone who has told them off several times before, he will calmly proceed in informing them of their back pain, of how well their nephew is doing in school, or some useless piece of trivia. EBF also finds it necessary to inform the staff why he is buying some item "I just love this type of lasagna, and since I have family coming over and they love lasagna, I just thought that I'd buy lasagna, although that brand over there is not so good, in fact last time I had it I had some terrible pains and went to the washroom for most of the night and..." How a clerk reacts to an EBF usually depends by how long the clerk has been in the store, and how many times he has had to endure the same guy. A fresh new clerk will stand there and politely smile and nod, the "customer is always right" line still ringing through his head. A veteran will probably contemplate murder (or suicide) or if in a really bad mood tell the customer where to go. EBF's favourite phrase (usually when they find out that the total of their groceries is $19.76) "nineteen seventy-six! That was a great year!" The Complainer The Complainer is as common as wheels on a car. Usually of the female sex, their only joy is to find something to complain about in order to make other's lives as miserable as theirs. The complainer will usually complain about stupid stuff, like a tomato over there has turned one zillionth of a shade darker, therefore it has gone bad, or that the milk's expiry date is on the other side. Or, if the milk has the expiry date on the facing side, that the milk's label is in French and that we are not in Quebec (for those that don't know, Canada is supposedly bilingual: French and English. Each product therefore must carry a bilingual label so that they can be sold in the French speaking province of Quebec). Usually they will go to a manager and complain that we should face all our labels on the English side. The Complainer is usually more visible when they go to the express cash with more than eight items, tell the cashier they are paying customers and are in a hurry and demand to pay with a cheque or (worse) with endless change. The Complainer can usually be spotted complaining to a friend how some products are 8 cents cheaper at the other store. Unfortunately they will never go and actually shop there to make the staff of this store happy. Clueless These are the same folks that when they drive they make a turn and don't signal, or as soon as the light turns green, they signal to turn left. Doesn't matter how many times Clueless has been to the store, they will still find it necessary to ask where something is. A typical encounter is usually in front of the dairy section, where clueless will ask the clerk in charge of the milk, where the milk is located in the store. They usually carry a list with them with items they need and will ask help from a clerk in finding some unreadable item from it. Clueless is also the type of person that is unable to read a sign: CL: How much is this? CG: (pointing at 4 feet by 6 feet yellow sign with a large black $1.99 written on it) "$1.99, sir." Clueless usually giggles and they make some comment that they couldn't see the sign. Clueless are quite common when trying to free a buggy. Although each cart has a label with precise instructions written for a Grade 5 mind, and diagrams are posted on the wall on how to insert the quarter to free the buggy, Clueless can be seen pushing the quarter in just about anyway except the right one while giggling hysterically. Cheap Bastard There are two categories of cheap bastard. Looks fine, smells fine or looks dirty, smells just as bad. The former is usually an older person (see Starved for Attention), who after done their shopping, ask for someone to help them carry their grocery to the car. At the car they will ask you to load the groceries in the trunk. Done so, they want you to bring them the quarter used to free the buggy back. After that, they pocket the quarter and leave. The latter usually is seen lurking around the reduced bin section, examining carefully each damage package and complaining they are too expensive. A typical conversation with a Cheap Bastard of the latter section usually falls like this: CB: How much is this? GC: 2.99. CB: 2.59? GC: No, 2.99 The cheap bastard will usually go to a clerk with a broken package and ask for it to be reduced. Cheap bastard also has an amazing memory as they can remember the price of each item they bought, so they can make sure the cashier is keying in the right price. If the Cheap Bastard thinks he has been overcharged 3 cents on some item, he will complain to the cashier, who will call a clerk for a price check. 9 times out of 10 the price is the one that the girl has entered. The Cheap Bastard will mutter something like "well, the signs are not too clear, I couldn't tell..". The Cheap Bastard's favourite line can be heard if by chance some item does not scan properly: "well, I guess it's free!" They will laugh at this as if it was the funniest thing on earth. Trash This type of customer only arrives on the 27th of each month. They are here to cash their welfare check and it is impossible not to notice them. Dirty and usually surrounded by a particular aroma as if they haven't washed for over a week. Trash usually have 3 or 4 kids (trashlings) who run around the store, opening boxes and creating havoc, no matter how much the trash yells at them with threats of beatings and killing. Although most are ignorant and uneducated, trash generally are nice, although they can be heard yelling to their companion across the other side of the store to grab some more Kraft Dinner. Trash never buys essentials such as toothpaste or deodorant. Lazy Lazy usually is a customer that not only expects to find everything they want the moment they arrive but that when they find it, they expect the underpaid, understaffed and overworked clerk to carry their grocery around for them. They are also the only ones that ask for something like prune juice and buy an entire case of it, and then demand that the box is rewrapped for them with some sturdy tape. Lazy usually is quite bitter (see The Complainer) and if the service is not up to their standards they will usually make life hell for the poor clerk they have intercepted and complain to the manager. There is also the semi-lazy. These bastards don't do all their shopping, then have the cashier make one of us clerks go get some more stuff for them, that may have been in the last aisle. Much to far for them to walk with their delicate feet. Calculator Person Usually falls under the category of Cheap Bastard, however the Calculator Person is usually a financial wizard that will bring with them only $14 and change, while their buggy is holding more than $100 worth of groceries. Once they get to cash, they will calculate the costs together with the cashier and have her remove certain items to keep everything well within the budget. Guess who ends up bringing most of the stuff they left behind back? The Helper Usually they mean no harm, but they can be more annoying then anyone else around the store. They seem to find a need to help every member of the staff, like holding the door for them when they are bringing something in (although the doors open by themselves), helping another guy put stock on the shelf, or just about anything that might get them killed. The Helper is convinced that he can make the world better for everybody else, and that his knowledge is above everyone else's. The Helper can be found lurking around the buggies in the desperate attempt to find someone unable to free one, or when a cashier is having trouble, asking the very dangerous question: "Did you type the numbers correctly? Here let me check..." The Helper will also help the cashier by personally handing to her each item. The Helper completes his visit by ripping out the receipt from the cash-register by himself, usually when the machine is not yet done printing. These type of customers are fortunately rare. Starved for Attention SFA are usually elders that are in desperate need of company. SFA seem to get a kick out of entering a conversation between two clerks or to send some wise crack about working (i.e., clerk is drinking water from a bottle, SFA will usually say "Did you substitute that water with Vodka? Hee hee"). SFA also seem to always be in need of something. A hand grabbing an item at stomach's height, reading the labels because they are blind (or so they claim, but they seem to be able to recognize us right away) or bagging their groceries in different bags, usually divided in size, weight, perishable, geometric shape and location in the fridge. SFA are very careful with their budget. Overcharging a SFA of 1 or 2 cents will cause them to call the manager and complain that they have been robbed. The Substitute The Substitute is usually someone who doesn't do grocery shopping on a regular basis. Completely unable to navigate around the store (see Clueless), they tend to come up to a grocery clerk and with a long list in their hands ask for the most absurd items (some of them which are usually not even in a grocery store, like shoe polish). When learning that the item they are searching for cannot be found here, the Substitute will ask where he can find it and if the clerk happens to know of another store, what type they carry, if it's in stock and how much it costs. English as a Second Language ESL is usually fresh off the boat and discovering for the first time the beauty of a grocery store, apparently quite a rarity from their original country of origin. ESL will speak to a clerk in their native language expecting them to understand what they are looking for. When the clerk returns the favour with a clueless look, ESL will keep talking by making the gesture of eating something. Removing all the aisles where there are only items that are to be spread or drank, we find ourselves with 6 and a half aisles of possibilities or over 3,500 different products. Eventually by dragging the customer to a staff member that speaks the same language, can an ESL be fully served. Some ESL will attempt speaking in English requesting some strange item: by listening carefully and asking strategic questions (do you drink it? Is it for cleaning?) one can determine what it is for. At other times ESL will ask for something that is found in the product (in one case looking for a kaboo. After about half an hour I discovered she was referring to a box of cereals with Batman's tattoos inside). ESL are usually nice, although there are ones where will ask for something (like "cofa") and when you finally realize they mean coffee (this usually arrives with the comment: "Oh! Coffee!" as joy fills your body) they will get upset that you are making fun of their accent, call you racist and go to the manager and complain. ESL can usually be found asking if the product contains eggs or any other animal product. The Perfect Customer This one usually comes like a rarity. They are understanding, ask questions politely and don't bother sharing their personal lives with the staff. Can perfectly understand that we might be out of stock on some item. Doesn't tell clerks how to do their jobs. Doesn't complain if the store is extremely busy and although all the cashiers are open, that there are line ups. Lastly the Perfect Customer is happy with the way things are and doesn't want them to change. Unfortunately this type of customer is in danger of extinction and is hardly seen anymore in their natural urban habitats. Based on the writings of Ted "I'm Not Bitter" Kaufman http://www.ao.net/~ted/ rewritten and edited by Goatboy :: MEDIASHITE BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE :: Considering editors of the main stream press are generally a bunch of bent over gutless yes men, it's important to look to the alternative press for accurate reporting. I have consistently found stories on current issues there so much more informative that if printed in the mainstream press would have surely reversed public opinion. Who is more likely to give us the truth? A paper who's livelihood depends on keeping corporate sponsors happy and owners who want to play politics without having to win an election or a paper that was formed out of the compassion of individuals for justice in our time? WELL DUH! Some Studio Guillotine recommended sites: Rancho Runnamukka http://www.accessone.com/~rivero/ Znet http://www.lbbs.org/ZNETTOPnoanimation.html The Big Eye http://www.bigeye.com/index.html MotherJones http://bsd.mojones.com/ or http://www.motherjones.com/index.html This has been an unpaid for public service announcement from Studio Guillotine. :: EXTRATERRESTRIAL AERONAUTICS WORKSHOP :: Last week I received this note below from the Instagon mailing list (instagon@netcom.com) and even though the date of the event has past I thought I would pass it on as it made me laugh and it sounds like what ever they are planning will be a hoot... ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 13:42:41 -0800 From: LA Cacophony To: la-cacophony@egroups.com Subject: [la-cacophony] Build a UFO! EXTRATERRESTRIAL AERONAUTICS WORKSHOP Friday, February 26, 8 p.m. Today, the Cacophony Research And Potential Prank Institute (CRAPPI) hosts an experimental workshop where we'll prepare ideas and technology for a future Cacophony UFO prank disorganized on a national scale. If you have access to Top Secret US Government designs for interplanetary spacecraft, or have been an alien abductee and can recall schematics for anti-gravity technology (hypnosis optional) be sure to contact us. For the rest of you, we have a design for a craft (and helium tanks) but your ideas or donated materials (Mylar, light sticks, joggers' lights) are most welcome. Even better BYOUFO! BYOB too! INFO: (213) 694-2478 or e-mail Dan at dknauf@benefitsys.com MATERIAL FEE: $5, waived if you bring your own UFO. :: FIND THE BIRDSHITE AND CIRCLE IT :: I was shopping for some food (no not at No Frills...) and I found what follows scrawled on a piece of paper sitting on the pasta shelf. I figured I'd exercise VD's 'clearing house' claim (so don't bother sending any 'what the fuck was that' bitch notes) and share it with y'all and maybe even offer some stupid prize (to be named later) to the first person who sends in the correct answers. Find the Bird (in the sentences below and) CIRCLE IT ROBIN LARK SWAN OWL STARLING HAWK HERON EAGLE CROW SWALLOW 1. The new microwave is on the counter. 2. That particular kind of yoghurt is my favourite. 3. A mother can recognize a gleam in her child's eye. 4. Now, let your team mate have a chance. 5. The pigs wallowed in the mud on the farm. 6. The spring thaw killed the crops. 7. I just saw her on her bike. 8. The puppies want to go outside and run. 9. The throb in my leg is caused by a muscle strain. 10. Madonna, a music star, lingered on the stage. Remember, I didn't write it - I just found it. :: ETC :: You can catch VD, including vocal chord chlamydia, in many various ways - be creative. And if anyone asks just say the cat's got your tongue. But if you want VD delivered to your mailbox by sending an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com Conversely, if you don't want any of those fancy assed diseases, or if you just fucking hate us, then please, please send an empty email to: v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com Pretty simple huh? Even that banjo playing freak from Deliverance can figure it out. If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com or don't. Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth - http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm because Morbus spelled backwards is subroM. Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org Studio Guillotine appears courtesy of Studio Guillotine Next issue March 16/99 __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"... Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah. Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __