__ __ \ \ /_/i e w e r issue 13 vol. 1 january 19/99 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266 \__| |/ v_d@iname.com | _ |/ archived at disobey.com |___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/ __ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __ __ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ______________ _ __________________ _ _____________________ __ thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen In this issue: WELCOME QUOTABLE HORROR - BY MORBUS NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY THE MYTH OF AMERICAN FREE PRESS - SUBMITTED BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE WEBSHITE ETC :: WELCOME :: Welcome to issue 13. And let's start off by calling it LUCKY 13 just to fuck with those people out there who are superstitious. And just for the record I wrote, saved, e-mailed this here issue 13 and nothing bad has happened. But I'm not one of those superstitious types who think 13 is an unlucky number and go around making their own "bad luck" come true with stupid assed self-defeatist attitudes that they use to turn around and blame the world for their own misery... Am I referring to someone in particular here? Yes, several people in fact but that's a whole other issue... Anyways, seeing as I'm spewing about what superstitious shit I don't believe in, here's a few more I don't believe; that walking under a ladder, spilled salt or black cats are bad luck (hell I own a black cat). Furthermore I personally hate the way apartment and office buildings floors are numbered 11, 12, 14, 15, etc. Like it makes a difference. We won't call the 13th floor 13, we'll call it 14 and then we won't be unlucky. Yeah right. Sort of sounds like religion to me. Whatever. This is issue #13 get over it. Hell I might make the next issue #13.1, or I'll start a new Vol. # and make it Vol. 13 and all the issues will be numbered 13.0, 13.1, and so on and so on. But then again, maybe I won't. It might be tempting fate . In other news, The Annihilation Fountain, my other web based publication, has moved. Thanks to Goatboy for hooking us up with scriba.org. The new URL is http://www.capnasty.org/taf There is also a new issue available at the new URL. So check it out, tell your friends, submit an article, enjoy... I was reading reviews in my outdated 1993 Video Movie Guide when I stumbled upon a review for Basket Case III - The Progeny. It was rated R for - are you ready - simulated mutant sex! Simulated fucking mutant sex!!! And then it hit me..... That's what's VD needs! Simulated Mutant Sex! SMS will be our new battle cry. We'll scream it from the dark recesses of this simulated world called the Internet. We want simulated mutant sex! So c'mon Morbus, Goatboy, Studio Guillotine, I'm sure you guys must come across (no pun intended) simulated mutant sex (especially you Goatboy - No Frills must be full of mutants). Get VD and get your daily dose of Simulated Mutant Sex....yeah baby, shagalicious.... Speaking of mutants.... I saw Boy George (Boy? He's got to be like 40?) on TV the other night. He appeared just after KISS (those make-up clad, geritol guzzling, wig wearing, comic book superhero wannabes). One word - scary. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Just got a review copy of Mark Dery's new book from his publicist today. It's called "The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium - American Culture on the Brink". It looks wonderfully dark and intriguing. Stay tuned for a review in future issue... In the mean time, enjoy this issue... :: QUOTABLE :: "Daddy, Sasha got snot in my hair!!" -Connor aged 5 :: HORROR - BY MORBUS :: IT'S ALIVE by Morbus It's not every day where you see five people die in the first ten minutes of a movie. And although the evil baby shtick has become pretty well known, IT'S ALIVE is probably one of the most well done versions that you'll see. >From the first "it feels different" to the final forceps induced labor, to the deaths of many and the father's accusation of abduction, IT'S ALIVE makes you hate characters... rather badly. The father irrationally accusing the hospital of being responsible, into "kill the damn thing" into "let ME kill the damn thing" into "it's hurt, it can't hurt anyone", this is one of those movies where each character has a damned evolving personality that you can latch onto. The medicinal guy who asserts that it needs to be utterly destroyed because it could draw bad attention to the industry, to the wife who holds onto all hope feeding it bottles of milk (as opposed to the milkman it ate earlier), to the "it" itself - only seen in glimpses of police car lights, or the flicker of a flashlight. I liked this movie. Some could call it boring, some could call it extreme in the sense that the father seems to make a complete turnaround in his emotions, and some could call it your plain old typical killer baby movie. Whatever the case, the deaths are meager and hinting, the baby is loud and rarely seen, and the mother just likes to randomly laugh and watch Loony Toons. If you have nothing else to watch, see IT'S ALIVE. If you have a choice between another and this one, see the other - I have a feeling most people won't agree with my liking of this flick. :: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES BY GOATBOY :: People that suck. If there is one thing I'll never understand about no frills, it's the people that work in it. Not all mind you. But some deserve a special place in hell when they die. You see, I may sound like a sexist bastard, but I've learned one thing about men and women while working here: Men, will stand up for the other person, even if the two just finished beating the shit out of each other in the backroom. Women, will stab each other in the back, even if the two had just talked as if they were the best of friends in their changing room. And this is what I don't understand. Women look like the moment they meet they can be friends forever. Heck, you and your friend go out to some restaurant and you both take your girlfriends, and the first thing they do is go to the washroom together. Why? I mean, I don't look at my friend Danny and say "Hey, would you like to come to the washroom with me while I take a piss?" Most likely Danny would break my nose. Take Sundays for example. The boys from produce and us from grocery enjoy our "Italian dinner" at 2:30. It's actually Chinese food, but we look like a big family sitting there eating, when two of us go get the food. And we have it at 2:30 because that's when the rest of the afternoon staff arrives, and we can finally take our lunches, while still leaving someone roaming the floors pretending to be busy. So when 2:30 hits, two of us go get the food, we all set tables out of trays and the like, sit down, we chat, we eat, we smoke and we're happy lads. But the girls don't like this. We can't even figure out why. But for sure one of them went up to our Big Cheese and complained that we do not do any work and spend all of our time on lunch. The Big Cheese asked me not to have the "Italian" dinner anymore. Believe it or not, the one thing that kept people happy on Sunday was the lunch together with everyone else. It's that brief of moment everyone looks forward to, cracking jokes, and that keeps our minds away from the fact that we are slaving here to save a few miserable pennies that will then be sucked dry by school. You take away the dinner, you took the will to live of some people. Now, fortunately the Big Cheese has me up with big respect. I'm not sure why. He loves me. I melted a skid of ice cream and I didn't get fired nor paid for the ice cream. I told him to fuck off, and I still had my job. I could've burnt his cars, killed his family, he would still hold me in the highest of respects. So I asked him one simple question: how does the store look when you return on Monday morning? "Oh the store looks better than any other day of the week!" And then it hit him. You see my boss has the mental power that works at the same speed as a freight train going through a switch. So our Sunday dinner was back. People were happy. And when the cashier walked in the back, we all looked at her, said "Hello Loma!" and waved our hands. She did not look amused. :: THE MYTH OF AMERICAN FREE PRESS - SUBMITTED BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE :: The Myth of An American Free Press by John Swinton Chief of Staff, New York Times (Considered "the Dean of his Profession" by his peers) When asked to give a toast at the New York Press Club in 1953. "There is no such thing, at this date of the world's history, in America, as an independent press. You know it and I know it. There is not one of you who dares to write your honest opinions, and if you did, you know beforehand that it would never appear in print. I am paid weekly for keeping my honest opinion out of the paper I am connected with. Others of you are paid similar salaries for similar things, and any of you who would be so foolish as to write honest opinions would be out on the streets looking for another job. If I allowed my honest opinions to appear in one issue of my paper, before twenty-four hours my occupation would be gone. The business of the journalists is to destroy the truth, to lie outright, to pervert, to vilify, to fawn at the feet of mammon, and to sell his country and his race for his daily bread. You know it and I know it, and what folly is this toasting an independent press? We are the tools and vassals of rich men behind the scenes. We are the jumping jacks, they pull the strings and we dance. Our talents, our possibilities and our lives are all the property of other men. We are intellectual prostitutes." ...every once in a while one of them can't stand it, steps outside and says it. - Studio Guillotine :: WEBSHITE :: http://members.xoom.com/ksperry/escher.htm which is the M. C. Escher page of Kyle's Personal Asylum - substitute /index for the /escher and your at his home page. I found this page while looking for some Escher works. The Escher page is great with 16 clickable thumbnails of Escher's work that link to full screen images. The page is quick loading and laid out fairly intuitively. It includes a fairly in-depth biography of the artist as well. As for the rest of Kyle's Personal Asylum? I took a quick around and found nothing that really caught my attention. But the Escher page is worth checking out for those of you who like Escher. Funny enough though, there is a big "Featured in Lockergnome" graphic on Kyle's main page. What is Lockergnome - http://www.lockergnome.com/ you ask? One of the best, if not the best, mailing lists for software/ info pertaining to Windows 95/98/NT. Chris Pirillo is the head gnome and his mailings are always informative, usually amusing and never insulting. For Power users and novices alike Lockergnome is great resource for all sorts of wonderful tips, tricks, programs and updates for the Windows user. Definitely worth subscribing to - I do. Go there and subscribe and tell Chris that VD sent ya... :: ETC :: You can catch VD in many various way but you can only get simulated mutant sex delivered to your mailbox by sending an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com Conversely, if you've had your dose and don't want no more, send an empty email to v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com Pretty simple huh? If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com or get your own damn zine. Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth - http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm because it doesn't take much to impress Morbus - just a scanned slice of pizza... Morbus appears courtesy of the Devil, uh er, we mean disobey.com Goatboy appears courtesy of realhampster.com, um, we mean capnasty.org Studio Guillotine appears courtesy of Bob Dobbs, remember Bob spelled backwards is boB... Hairy Fishnuts for Pear Pimples? Mr. Ed S. from New Zealand knew that it came from the "Bloom County" cartoon strip by Berke Breathed. As Ed tells us it was from a strip about "Opus (A penguin learning speech) is attempting to repeat the words Hare Krishna's for prayer temples." Thanks Ed. This was a actually a test to see if anyone reads the whole issue. Ed does. Remember don't wrestle with toddlers with runny noses. Next issue February 2/99 __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"... Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah. Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __