ANTI-PRESS EZINE #14
"We're Positive About The Negative"
A May E-dition
(C) Copyright 2000 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved
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Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Reality Center. We're presently
entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh, northeastern New York
State, USA. (For your own good: STAY THE FUG AWAY!)
***THIS E-DITION:
CHOOSE: PETS OR JOB! / SOUP DU JERK / RUBBISH RULE FOR RUBBLE / HEY, REAL
EMAIL!
=============================================================
PLATTSBURGH TO LIBRARY DIRECTOR:
YOUR DOGS OR YOUR JOB!
To quote the old (but appropriate) joke: As you drive towards
Plattsburgh, NY you'll see a sign on the road-- "Now Entering
Plattsburgh. Set Your Watch Back To 1890."
Or maybe back to 1902. Where else but Plattsburgh would The Powers That
Be allow a fossilized clause in the city's 98-year-old charter to force
the new library director to live within the confines of the Burgh?
Besides the recent article in the Local (news)Paper, we've been
following this story on our own, using street sources which can be just
a reliable any other information medium around here. (We would trust a
street source for a weather forecast over the TeeVee Station's
"Precision Weather" guess.)
The new library director hails from the south. She and her husband
traveled all the way here to this Northern Extremity of America, renting
a house here in the city. Trouble is the landlord has sold the house
and now the director is trying to find a new home that will allow pets
before her lease expires the end of June. From one source we learned
that the landlord wasn't completely communicative about the house being
sold and so the director was caught off-guard. She found out from
another party that a sale was being finalized. Potential buyers had
looked at the house but there was no mention of any serious offers.
This left the director in real lurch because there's not many homes for
rent within the city limits. A considerable portion of the rental
housing is for college students. A landlord can make more profit
renting a house to a bunch of college students than one family. And the
selection is really limited because most landlords won't allow pets.
(Welcome to Plattsburgh.)
So between being caught off guard by the lack of speedy communication by
her landlord and the housing crunch, the library director has been
unable to find new housing. She appeared before the city councilors
who-- according to the Paper-- were "unrelenting" in regards to the
residency requirement as outlined in the charter. The library director,
like the mayor and city judge, must reside in the city, no exemptions.
But why? As one perceptive city councilor observed the library director
isn't an emergency services job. If disaster struck, other city
officers would be needed to deal with an emergency. At the same time
emergency employees can live outside the city.
That observation leads us to ask: if there's a major explosion downtown,
is it more important for the librarian or emergency workers to be
nearby? ("Quick, run over to the library and get all the books on
natural gas!")
In contrast to that perceptive councilor there was another elected
official who was unconcerned about the new library director being forced
to lose her job because she can't meet the residency requirement. He
said there was a lot of bright people here in Plattsburgh that could run
the library.
Really, Councilor Bright Brain? Where were all those "bright people"
when the director's job was open and the city had to hire someone out of
state? Also, councilor, aren't you the brilliant person who ended up
with marijuana growing on your property and you claimed you didn't know
how it got there? Maybe you should pay more attention to your own
backyard and be bright enough to weed it properly.
Yes, there's a lot of "bright" people in Plattsburgh who keep the city
dim, resisting progress, enforcing provincialism. What is so sacrosanct
about the city charter? If the charter is changed to allow the library
director live outside the city, will such a transgression provoke
plagues to be unleashed on this pissant Podunk? Even the holy U.S.
Constitution has been changed on occasion. Why not accommodate the new
library director?
When we hear about stories like this, we're reminded of the symptoms of
xenophobia that flare up around here. Years ago there were angry
missives to the Paper about a Canadian woman breast-feeding her baby at
the shopping mall. ("Such behavior is for animals!") Also, there was
an outraged citizen who didn't want a bench placed in front of his house
by the city. ("I don't want strange people sitting near my house!") The
city now laments the loss of the Air Force Base but many people were
against it when it was first proposed to locate the base here. Some of
those provincial dinosaurs survive even now. Yes, xenophobia is alive
and well in Plattsburgh, even in the year 2000.
We have seen positive changes at the city library by the "outsider"
director. Apparently some citizens were concerned that the library
wasn't changing with the times and the new director has indeed been
working in fresh directions. But we won't blame her if she decides to
leave because she won't give up her dogs to live within the city.
Ironically, most landlords won't rent to a responsible owner with pets
but they're more than happy to rent a house out to college student
"animals" who turn a neighborhood into an eyesore. Recently was such a
"animal house" was condemned by the city. Truckloads of trash were
hauled away by municipal workers.
No pets but "animals" are allowed. Plattsburgh: The City That Don't
Werk.
And a prime example of "not werking" could be the city library. After
all, when you talk about quality of life, some people want a viable
library. We wonder the reaction of a stranger to this Podunk who visits
the city library for the first time, walking up the constantly-crumbling
front steps that are only patched up, never completely fixed. Then
that's always been the Plattsburgh answer to most problems: don't fix it
-- a patch job will do. (Until someone slips, falls, breaks a leg, and
sues.)
But absolutely NO patch-jobs for the All-Holy City Charter-- if such a
thing is allowed, we'll suffer from locusts, boils, and bloody water!
By the way, in case any of you local yokels don't understand that last
reference, then maybe you visit the city library and look for a book
called The Bible (which is under "B", not "T", in the catalog). While
there you'll discover a whole world outside of Plattsburgh through books
and magazines and videos and the Internet. But be warned-- things on
the outside have changed since 1902. There's even other cities who
don't have their charters carved in stone. (Sorry, those other cities
aren't called Sodom and Gomorrah...)
* * *
SO WHAT'S THE POOP ON THE SOUP?
"A foreign matter of some type."
That's specifically vague, eh? "A foreign matter" could cover anything
from a public beheading of a Amway salesman in Iran to Canadian Maple
Syrup in your car's transmission. "Of some type" means nothing, adds
nothing in specifying what kind of matter being discussed.
Then again, leave it to the Local (news)Paper to dance around an issue
and not give the real poop on an incident. After all, when an
advertiser is involved, you want to maintain good relations with that
money-generating entity.
The entity in question is the College. The euphemism "foreign matter"
refers to what was discovered in a kettle of soup at a food station in
one of the College's dining halls.
We first got wind of the story from our street sources. The story was
that someone dropped (ahem) human excrement in the soup. We never take
street stories at face value so we waited for the local media to report
on this scatological situation.
Of course, the mainstream (news)Paper disappointed us by not specifying
what odor-producing "foreign matter" was found in the soup. The article
dated 4/28/00 did state that there was a second incident of tainted soup
four days later, this time involving "an unused tampon". Hhmmm, if the
tampon had been used, would it also be classified as some type of
foreign matter?
It's not that the Paper had never reported before on a demented
defecator provoking anger and disgust at the campus. There was that
classic story that ran a while back, right there on page 3, about a
student activist who was so radical that he defecated on a paper plate
and showed it to students on their way to lunch, all part of his
reaction to "student apathy". So why keep any mention of excrement out
of the soup story? The tainted soup was dumped out and with it any
evidence that could have been tested. Therefore, it couldn't be
definitely stated that the matter was indeed human waste, as our street
sources reported.
But that didn't stop the College Paper from running on page one that a
tampon was found in the soup and that another object was "thought to be
human waste." Campus officials, said the student newspaper, would
"neither confirm or deny reports that the foreign matter was human
excrement". This reminds us of when the Air Force Base was still
operating here in Plattsburgh. Some Commander would officially state
that he could neither confirm or deny that atomic warheads were housed
at the base. And we all what that meant, don't we? (Luckily the base
closed before some air-head out there dropped a wrench and a mushroom
cloud suddenly erupted.)
One student was quoted that he thought the College was trying to cover
up the matter. Also, it was mentioned the incident occurred just weeks
after students at another college were stricken with E. coli, resulting
in the state closing down a dining hall. The College Newspaper article
was much better than the public relations story published in the
mainstream (news)Paper. Not only did it give the straight poop, it also
went into more depth, providing better coverage of the matter.
So to get the scoop here in Plattsburgh on campus-related incidents,
looks like we'll have to check the student newspaper at the College.
And let's not forget our street sources. By the way, you students at
the college better double check the washers and dryers on campus before
tossing your clothes in. Just a tip from us and our street sources.
* * *
ACHTUNG! PHOTOGRAPHY VERBOTEN!
Apparently in the township of Plattsburgh it's now illegal to photograph
rubble.
Or at least the rubble belonging to a shopping mall corporation.
Years ago the Grandiose Teton Corporation (GTC) opened a shopping mall
outside the Plattsburgh City limits, sucking away almost all of the
retail business from downtown. The Town of Plattsburgh benefited and
things looked so bad for the City that there was talk of the Town
combining with the City to make one viable entity.
The GTC built a second mall nearby-- a bigger, better one-- and its
original mall-- called the Old Mall by the locals-- fell on hard times,
stores going out of business, lots of empty spaces. So the Grandiose
Teton Corporation decided that the mall structure should be
"de-constructed" to make way for an old-fashioned shopping plaza with
separate "box" stores. Today the Old Mall is being ripped up, torn
apart, and piled, section by section, history turning into rubble.
So a shutterbug wanted to document this event. He parked his car out of
the way, didn't cross the line indicating the construction zone, and
snapped a shot of the "de-construction". This was in the evening, there
were no workers around, just a tableau of still machines and rubble.
Suddenly a pick-up truck appeared, emblazoned with the words SECURITY
PATROL. The officer within the official vehicle told the photographer
that he couldn't take any photos, that mall was private property and the
photographer had to leave.
Huh?
The photographer was stunned but he went along with the Almighty
SECURITY PATROL. He wasn't going to take any more shots in the mall
parking lot. Instead, he got into his car, drove across the street,
parked in another lot, got out, stood on the hood of his car, zipped his
telephoto zoom to the long end, and snapped one more. Fortunately the
SECURITY PATROL sharpshooters didn't take him out.
So what's the big deal about piles of rubble? Does the Grandiose Teton
Corporation have a copyright on their rubble? What's wrong with someone
taking a few shots as long as he's out of the way and not bothering
anyone? Or does the Teton Corporation have something to hide? Maybe
photographs would reveal a strange glow because the Teton Corporation
made a deal years ago with the Plattsburgh Air Force Base to store
radioactive waste in the mall's basement. Or maybe Area 51 has
relocated beneath that spot, storage for crashed flying saucers and the
Andromeda strain.
We decided to follow up on the photographer's story by contacting the
Local Teevee Station to see how "professionals" handle the imaging of
Teton Malls. A boob-tube newshound told us that the policy was to
contact the Teton Corporation before visiting to shoot any video.
Really? So if the Teevee Station's News Crew wants to photograph piles
of rubble, they have to contact the mall management for permission?
Why? So that the Old Mall can look "presentable"? ("Joe, the TeeVee
Station gonna be here in an hour. Go out and hose down the rubble so
its looks clean.")
But this doesn't surprise us. One time a district manager whose
territory included the local malls stated that dealing with the Teton
Corporation was like "dealing with Nazis".
Which leads us to wonder: how long before the guard towers,
searchlights, and machine guns are installed as part of the "New Look"
for the Old Mall?
* * *
WE'VE GOT MAIL!
Real email, not the usual spam crap. Here it is:
Gentle(or not so)folk,
As a former P'burgerite, I read your zine with bemused affection. Of
course, I'm somewhat attached to the old town having lived there from
63-74 during hs-college on a permanent basis and still visit the folks
on the Rt.9 short of the Beekmantown border on a regular basis for a
shot of greenery in my metro-oopted vision, as well as to stir up
whatever I can.
As a former Homecoming queen (1969) at what was then SUC-P or PSUC, I've
heard that I'm still being blamed for making the town queer. Modesty
says I didn't do it all by myself, but who knows? Should you require
info on those times, or need to check gossip, let me know. Nice to see
something semi-cynico-rational coming out of the town, esp. concerning
the P-Repulsive. As for the now de-funked PAFB, the major reason for
closure was the inordinate(3) number of nuclear weapons they lost by
accident of the shores of Spain, Greenland, and [one] not mentioned back
in the 70's/80's. I do miss the fun times in the barracks though.
STREETEDITIONS
"Every man for himself, as the elephant said while dancing among the
chickens!" T. Douglas, Premier- Saskatchewan
Dear Streeteditions:
"...I've heard that I'm still being blamed for making the town queer."
What? You mean that homosexuals exist in this conventionally-Christian
community, Plattsburgh the God-Blessed? Quick-- inform the Mayor!
(What do you mean, he already knows...?)
A-P
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