Ghyll:Ignatius Maximillian Albertus Crank

[The following is a transcript of the only known contemporary mention of Professor Ignatius Maximillian Albertus Crank; from an advertisement handed out in a fete programme in roughly -80 EC.]

Roll up, roll up!

* * *

The stupendousest night of the season comes afoot as

Professor Ignatius Maximillian Albertus Crank

provides intellectual conceits to the community,

and a Sample of his Hair Wares for your entertainment!

* * *

Cranee this Monterfest! Seven nights minus six only!

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For a contrivance of your Quezloos: ASTONISHING HAIR TONIC Never again will your hairy parts be hairyless! Winter is coming; don't be caught a fool with your sensitive parts frozen to the surroundings. Lo! Prof. I.M. Albertus Crank will demonstrate the mysteries of the quayres as he re-enacts his famous potting of the ten kettles being as he is a world class and most utterly excellent handler of those Stoppers and Steppers. "Help, for I am trapped in a strange advertisement!" Will Fessor Crank again flaunt his famous * multiple aedeaguses * in front of the crowd? We just do not know!!! Turn up, find out, be AMAZED!

Appearing alongside Professor Crank will be... Jigglier than a pink pachyderm; Cuddlier than an alluring avian! The one and amazing only Misses Hairy Mandibles So Don't Miss Out: Discoverer of the talking dead of Elminster Mire! Adventurer, philanthropist, scholar, doctor, horse waxer, entrepreneur, pharmacologist, gut screamer, and theologian! Prof. I.M. Albertus Crank Will be appearing for your entertainment in Cranee, this coming Monterfest! Next Monterfest Show: Pantheon of Diseases! Coming again only to Cranee. (For bookings, contact the pox office.)

Citations: Fijjit_Mejora, Quezloos, @@.

--Sean B. Palmer 10:57, 6 Nov 2004 (EST)