Who They Are: Priests and Madmen are the "brain trust" of the New Media Caste System. Consisting of influential trade journalists, analysts, pundits, visionaries and leaders of high-profile think tanks, Priests and Madmen lend intellectual depth to an otherwise shallow industry. Priests, being the more monied sub-group, drive market activity with pronouncements on earnings reports and projections on future growth areas. When not managing (fueling?) the unrealistic expectations of investors, Priests are courted by the uppermost echelon of NetSlavedom who know that without the Holy Caste in their back pockets, their stock is headed for the OTC basement -- where in most cases, it probably belongs. Madmen, by contrast, have no such direct financial ties. Madmen are the posterboys (and girls) of "Wired" magazine. Their faces plastered on the cover of almost every issue, Madmen are the hypemakers who have kept the "House that Rossetto Built" in business and are responsible for the Primary Myth -- that working the Web is a calling, bestowed on the Chosen Few by God Almighty. (Yeah, tell that to a Cab Driver!)

Where They Can Be Found: When not squirreled away writing their latest white paper, how-to book or article, Priests and Madmen are out evangelizing at industry conferences, delivering keynote addresses or else sitting on panel discussions debating such high-falutin' issues as "Freedom in CyberSpace" and "Protecting Children from Online Porn." When you come right down to it, though, Priests and Madmen could give two shits about these "nobilities." Like their brethren Gold Diggers and Gigolos, they are only there for the photo-op and to collect their hefty speaking fees. With the good book deals going to the Steven King's of the world, you really can't blame them for pandering (NOTE: Steve and Bill, the creators of "NetSlaves," hope one day to reach this level and be paid handsomely for farting into a microphone.).

Average Age: 72 (in "Ester Dyson Time")

Average Salary: Unknown (At least until the off-shore banks disclose all foreign holdings).

What They Did before Getting Involved in the Internet: Covering the salty treats market for "Snack Foods Weekly" (Priests); smoking pot and writing their dissertation on Hegelian feminism (Madmen).

Percentage of NetSlaves Population: 2% (Simple theorem: the higher you go up the pyramid, the narrower it gets.)

Marital Status: Single and VERY horny (Hey, if you spent your days pontificating on the latest developments in Networking Hardware, you'd have trouble getting dates too.).

Favorite Off-Line Activities: Throwing darts at the proverbial dartboard (which, incidentally, is how Priests arrive at their numbers.); trolling the "Mensa Babes" forum on The WELL (Madmen).

Last Book Read: Priests and Madmen have upwards of 15 books on their nightstand. Being voracious, eclectic types, they're reading them all at once, but can't seem to finish any. Includes everything from "The History of Lesbian Pirates" to the "Dummies Guide to Animal Husbandry."

Number of Jobs Held in the Past Three Years: O. The genius of Priests and Madmen is that they can get by doing next to nothing at all and making the nonsense they cranked out in a haze seem believable. NOTE: Priests and Madmen often work for consultancies or run their own, offering "expert" advice on "Writing the Perfect E-Mail" and "Using Corporate Intranets for Conflict Resolution."

Mode of Dress: Grey pinstriped suits, bought off-the-rack at Sears (Priests); bierkenstocks, sackcloth, fanny packs (Madmen).

Favorite TV Shows: "Melrose Place" (Priests); "Dr. Who" (Madmen).

Education: Too much. The greatest liability of Priests and Madmen is that they spent an unduly about of time in the hallowed halls of academia. The result is overly analytic minds incapable of common sense. Ask a Priest or a Madman a simple question about where you should put your money and in place of a short-list of stock symbols, you'll get a two hour disquisition, which will probably be incorrect anyway. Remember, since most members of this caste have never worked in the tech biz per se (a fact so glaringly obvious that few people ever point it out), you really shouldn't expect much. Better to do your own homework and go with your gut. Or if that fails, try the "Dogs of the Dow" strategy, in which investors manage their portfolios based on the bark-patterns of their favorite canine companion.

Distinguishing Physical Traits: A tight, pinched mouth, as if sucking on a turd (Priests, after making a bad call); dreadlocks, bulbous belly, dazed (stoned?) expression on their face -- the total package making them resemble a Rasta Homer Simpson (Madmen).

Psychological Profile: Like most people too intelligent for their own good, Priests and Madmen took a lot of abuse in the Great American Schoolyard -- a trauma which has left them seeking attention and approval wherever and whenever possible (Something to think about the next time you're watching their gums flap on CNBC).

Career Aspirations: To be kissed by Oprah, after their new book sells more than 100 copies.
 

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