Who They Are: Street Vendors are the executives of countless New Media start-ups who hawk their wares from dusty roadside dives along the Information Superhighway. Specializing in the latest "hotdog" technology, cotton candy content and business models with as much fiber as a sideorder of mashed potatoes (with extra gravy!), Street Vendors prey upon unsuspecting investors hungry for quick Net profits.

Where They Can Be Found: Street Vendors favor warmer climates where al fresco "selling" goes on year-round. In the United States, for instance, the NetSlaves Research Institute has found the highest concentration of Street Vendors in California ("Really? No kidding?"), Colorado, Texas and Florida (aka, "The Scam Capital of the World"). Street Vendors are also attracted to these particular areas because of their conducivity to conspicuous healthy lifestyle rituals such as rollerblading, mountain biking and power-walking.

What They Did before Getting Involved with the Internet: Street Vendors, with their love of the scam, were previously involved in everything from get-rich-quick schemes touted on late-night TV infomercials to telemarketing questionable long-distance phone rates ("Only 1 cent per minute, every day except Monday through Saturday and every weekend before sign-up") to 1-900 porn numbers. Flashing even further back, Street Vendors were the kids in high school who always drove brand-new Camaros, even though their parents were hardly affluent. ("How'd they do it?", you ask. Well, let's just say that the "tips" from their pizza delivery route in the ritzy part of town were "more than generous," if you catch our drift.)

Average Hours Worked Per Week: 300+. For Street Vendors, normal time increments do not exist. There are no hours, days, weeks, years -- only a hyperactive, perpetual NOW, filled with back-room deals, meetings in parking lots and unctuous come-on's delivered in elevators, hotel rooms, trade show demonstrations -- basically, anywhere and everywhere potential customers dare to tread. NOTE: Because of their go-go approach to life, Street Vendors are the most suited of NetSlaves to function on "Internet Time" ("What? Me 'sleep'? I haven't slept past 7 am since 1983, when I had a hangover after a REO Speedwagon concert.").

Nutritional Habits: In contrast to the garbage they feed their customers, to say nothing of the scraps they toss scornfully to their employees, Street Vendors only eat the healthiest food (chicken, fish, veggies), are teetotalers, don't drink coffee and think cigarette smoking should be a Capital Crime, punishable by death. Many Street Vendors also claim to be lactose-intolerant, although it is widely believed among NetSlaves that this is merely a clever way for Street Vendors to get out of eating cheese -- fat (cholesterol) being the mortal enemy of these lean, mean lying machines.

Average Age: 25 (in "Gordon Sheets Time")

Average Salary: 200K (plus whatever else has been skimmed from the VC till)

Last Book Read: Don't let their office bookshelves fool you -- their copies of Sun Tzu's "Art of War" and Machiavelli's "The Prince" are for show only, as Street Vendors are the least literate of NetSlaves. They have neither the time nor inclination to focus on any one thing for extended periods. Using the same cramming techniques they perfected in Community College, Street Vendors "stay current" through occasional info binges -- flipping through New Economy Cult rags like "Fast Company" and "Business 2.0" while waiting for the Seattle shuttle or else watching CNN-APNN -- "The CNN Airport News Network" (Of course, since Street Vendors are not known for having long attention-spans, they quickly get bored with reading/watching and soon resume their favorite activity -- talking on their cell phone, which they whip out with the speed of a gunfighter.).

Mode of Dress: Same as Hustlers and Sharks (Tan Dockers, sky-blue dress shirt, argyle socks), with the exception that instead of penny loafers, Street Vendors sport the latest active footwear from Nike ("Love that swoosh, Tiger!") and Timberland (Basically, Street Vendors are suckers for anything with a treaded sole.).

Distinguishing Physical Traits: Perpetual tan, bulletproof hair (Think Jack Lord.).

Favorite Off-Line Activities: Street Vendors view themselves as Renaissance Men. Their interests range from low-impact, high-profile outdoor activities (power-walking, rollerblading, etc. See above.) to collecting fine wines to a purported "deep interest" in Samurai's (Yes, Larry Ellison is another hero.). The truth is, however, that like the books in their offices, Street Vendors use these things to feed their own egos and as status objects for attracting customers and the opposite sex. If ever confronted by someone who is knowledgeable in any of these areas, Street Vendors would shrink to a size: 1) Smaller than their pea brains; 2) Equivalent to the laughable dimensions of their erect members (Your call).

Emotional Attachments: Divorced three times, but still undiscouraged. Would marry their current surfer-girl (NOTE: Street Vendors only date blondes.) in a second, provided that she sign a pre-nup which states, in no uncertain terms, that in the event of marital difficulties, she would "disavow any prior knowledge of knowing" them, much less lay claim to any of their worldly possessions.

Other Ugly Truths: Street Vendors, despite their claims and pretensions, are decidedly unhip, if a glance through the CD rack in their SUV's is any indication. In addition to the latest from Hootie and the Blowfish ("Man, those guys really rock out!"), you will find the likes of Yanni, Kenny G. and for those soulful times, Michael Bolton. (In private, with a few doobies on hand, Street Vendors are also partial to Phish, Blues Traveler and the fathers of hippie capitalism, The Grateful Dead.)

Current Technical Fetishes: Street Vendors are only interested in Technology for what it can do for them. They know their way around a browser and a PowerPoint presentation, to be sure, but their greatest affinity is not with the hardware and software per se. Rather, it lies with the reams of jargon which they have either picked up from their info binges and innumerable conversations with drunken salespeople or else coined on-the-fly. (Etymology of "mindshare:" Jeremy Holt, the CEO of InfoRot, was taking questions from the Board about what happened to the 20 million bucks they gave him last quarter and with his back to the wall, he replied, "We are still debugging the bandwidth issue related to the mindshare of the problem." Rendering the crowd helpless with confusion, Holt was able to slip out of the conference room unnoticed and escape to South America by the time the investors recovered their senses and reached for the clubs they brought with them. True story!)

Other Role Models: Jess Braccoli from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" ("Far and away, Sean Penn's finest performance!," they remark.), Tony Robbins, L. Ron Hubbard ("That dude was deep.").

Psychological Profile: So empty that it appears to be profound, like standing at the edge of a precipice. Freud would also have a good time trying to unravel these guys, but anyone with two active braincells realizes that sometimes things are as they seem -- ravenous, unforgiving and psychopathic, Street Vendors would kill you if they saw a short-term benefit in it. Being masters of deception (as well as delusion), Street Vendors actually believe their own bullshit, having recited it so often that it has taken on a degree of verisimilitude ("And standing there alone on the top of that slope in Tahoe, the wind blowing gently and the sun gleaming off all that wonderful white powder, I realized that it was up to me to transform this new medium."). Equally appalling is the way Street Vendors are able to imbue the most inane (and probably fictitious) interactions with the Giants of the Biz with mythological significance ("And then Steve Jobs turned to me, and with the same fire in his eyes that made Apple great, said, 'You need a new hairstyle.'").

Career Aspirations: A "Letter of Intent" from Microsoft. An IPO would be good too, but the thought of having the Fed investigate their funny money accounting practices sends a shudder through their bones.
 

<Level 10.0: Priests & Madmen>