Who They Are: This hard-partying, nightcrawling set is by far the Web's most colorful cretins. Consisting of compulsive schmoozers, cheerleaders and opportunistic philanderers, Gold Diggers and Gigolos hold well-paying jobs in the New Media World, even though no one is quite sure what they do. Most hold sales and business development positions, which are more or less just an excuse for them to indulge their own private cult of personality. The jury is still out on what will become of these people, but if the predictions of the NetSlaves Research Institute are at all prescient, the meteoric career paths of most will fizzle out in the gutter of traditional advertising and PR agencies. The rest, a.k.a. the Truly Evil, will reach the highest heights to become motivational speakers and authors of self-help books like, "Better Living Through Hyperlinking" and "Oral Sex: The Ultimate Internet Play".

Where They Can Be Found: Unlike most NetSlaves, who are socially challenged at best, Gold Diggers and Gigolos thrive in crowded environments where the bullshit -- and the booze -- flow freely. Not a night goes by that these "press-the-flesh" types aren't off at some tony industry event, site launch party or awards ceremony, having a good ol' time on their expense accounts and collecting future job leads. While it might seem ironic and downright unfair that Gold Diggers and Gigolos are able to have so much fun while their colleagues are back at the office logging their 32nd consecutive hour, the truth of the matter is that it's not what you do that counts, it's what your Manager thinks you do -- selling, marketing, creating relationships, etc. being the "upside" view of what is really a textbook case of pathological narcissism and incipient substance addiction.

Other Habitats: The CEO's bed, the COO's bed, the CFO's bed, etc.

Average Hours Worked Per Week: 25. Because of their busy night life, Gold Diggers and Gigolos put in the bare minimum during "normal" business hours. They arrive at 10:30 or 11 usually, shoot off a few quick e-mails to the more "influential" people they met the night before, attend a free-form "strategy" meeting and then head out the door to lunch. Of course, like everything else in the world of Gold Diggers and Gigolos, things are nothing if not fraught with extravagant complexity. "Lunch" is more ritual than physical necessity -- ramming the food into one's face with one hand and negotiating the mouse with the other is for the most uncivilized of fools. Love them or hate them, Gold Diggers and Gigolos are the closest thing the Technology biz has to stylemakers. They don't "eat" lunch, they "do" lunch, in the trendiest of restaurants, for hours at a time, before heading back to the office (a slight buzz going) to finalize their plans for the evening and meet their daily flirting quota with the Director of Business Development, the Head of Sales or whoever among the executive class will respond to their not-so-subtle advances. Gold Diggers and Gigolos are by definition masters of such activity, which means that at 4:30 sharp they are pressing the "Down" button on the elevator to rush home and select the appropriate "look" for their imminent nocturnal activities.

Gender: It is both facile and sexist to think that this particular stratum of the New Media Caste System is comprised solely of women. Granted, many are women, but unlike more "traditional", male-dominated industries, the Technology biz has a good share of companies where estrogen is the ruling hormone from the CEO on down and the young, good-looking, out-going Gigolo can advance very quickly, provided of course that he has the "bandwidth" to satisfy the "right" customers and doesn't break any of the unwritten Amazonian laws (i.e. bragging about sexual conquests and leaving the seat up in the shared bathroom, being the most common transgressions).

Average Age: 15 (in "Buffy the Vampire Time")

Average Salary: 90K (plus "performance" bonus)

Number of Jobs Held in the Past Three Years: 50.3. Gold Diggers and Gigolos are wherever the party is, both literally and figuratively. Shifting companies is as natural to them as changing sexual partners, shoes, hairstyles, etc. In fact, all these "codes" as Derrida might call them are inextricably linked to a system of un-meaning that becomes increasingly decentered with each subsequent attempt to "hop" into Nirvana. NOTE: If it's any consolation to other NetSlaves, these forever-flitting individuals will probably never hit it because they're never anywhere long enough to succeed -- the first sign of trouble, the first hint that the big, sex-induced promotion isn't coming through will find them frantically dialing the HR person over at www.thenextbigthing.com.

Current Technical Fetishes: None. To Gold Diggers and Gigolos technology is an after-thought. In short, they can barely work their scheduling software, much less distinguish a line of C++ from a vermicelli noodle.

Favorite At-Home Activities: None. Gold Diggers and Gigolos are only home long enough to perform image maintenance: showering, changing, sleeping a few hours before heading out again.

Romantic Attachments: Here's a "rub" in the Shakespearean sense. Gold Diggers and Gigolos may be the "most-sexed" caste of NetSlaves, but when it comes to true intimacy, forget it. These people are spread too thin and are too busy to commit to anyone except themselves. (Translation: You're better off without them, even if they do have a point about you're, like, having to go clothes shopping.)

Psychological Profile: Freud would have a party of his own with the Web's Gold Diggers and Gigolos -- their fixations, neuroses and id's, all run amok. But forgetting the fancy-pants stuff, fellow NetSlaves should remember one thing: Gold Diggers and Gigolos are very dangerous -- with their ties to the powers-that-be, they could send you to the Unemployment Office quicker than an IP packet hitting the proxy server.

Career Aspirations: All the trappings of Success (Wealth, Power, Celebrity), without having to work too hard to obtain them.
 

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