Who They Are: Social Workers are the tireless servants who endure the endless stream of nonsense emanating from the Net's Tower of Babel.

Where They Can Be Found: Social Workers serve as the "hosts," "personalities" and oftentimes "voice of reason" for online communities, known as much for their variety ("Everything from Stocks to Fly-Fishing," as Prodigy used to say) as for their volatility.

Average Age: 25-35. Since being a Social Worker implies a certain level of maturity, members of this caste are slightly older and more reserved than the average person you'll find trolling AOL chat rooms at one o'clock in the morning.

Average Pay: Varies. Many Social Workers provide their services in exchange for free accounts and/or server space. Others do it as a second job to supplement their income. Wages are nominal at best ($10-$15 per/hour), but in the eyes of Social Workers, dealing with the bitchy members of the "Plant Cultures" topic beats taking a bullet on 7-11's graveyard shift.

Psychological Profile: Social Workers tend to be obsessive personalities, who know a great deal about their particular (some say, "peculiar") area of interest and very little about the world at large ("Monica Lewinsky? Who's that?"). To them, nothing is more important than serving as the authority on "Vegan Pet Treats," or what-have-you. Frustrated and alienated in their daily lives, Social Workers take comfort communicating online with other people who are like them and serving as their maternal/paternal figure.

Hours Worked Per Week: 20-30 (So says their contract, but given their obsessive nature, most Social Workers put in much more, gratis.)

How They Differ from "Mole People": Social Workers may be cut from the same mental cloth as Mole People, but are ultimately at odds with them because they are paid by the Establishment ("The Company") to maintain control of the Community and to keep its activities within socially acceptable limits. ("Sorry, discussions of 'Pagan Beastality' will not be tolerated on this forum.")

Chances of Upward/Downward Mobility: Unlikely. Most Social Workers putter away in their little fiefdom and collect their checks in a relative peace and harmony as compared to other NetSlaves. However, on the off-chance that they befriend a notorious Mole Person (who just blew up Fort Knox) or their area of interest becomes the latest trend, the sky's the limit -- book deals, appearances on Oprah, you-name-it. ("Can anyone say, 'Deepak Chopra'?")
 

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