Unemployment Journal IX: The Laundry Chronicles
Posted Wed Mar 14 13:30:24 2001 by ebitch |
by ebitch
I did my own laundry the other night. It was great.
Two new things are happening: (1) self-laundering and (2)
capitalization. Unemployment is a never-ending source of surprise and
transformation.
I got an army camouflage style laundry bag from a Syrian woman at
an army/navy shop on Smith Street. She wore a chador, and was
impeccably polite. I am often afraid of what could happen were it to
occur to the many Arab merchants in my neighborhood that I am the
enemy.
A while ago posters were plastered on lamp posts noting how many
Palestinians are being killed by Israeli soldiers. Futuristic typefaces
were used. I imagined such news headlines as
Unemployed Jewish Netslave Attacked in Brooklyn
So I got this laundry bag. It's very rugged. It can be dragged, or even thrown, down the stairs.
I purchased other laundry-related products.
I struggle with which laundry detergent to buy because on one hand
I know it is worth it to buy the best, but which is the best? I am
attracted to scent, mainly, but also cost. I want to find the
best-smelling, most kickass detergent for the least amount of money.
My Laundry Products
(1) Shout Gel: Laundry Stain Remover, Concentrated. Proud Sponsor of U.S. Youth Soccer. Questions? Comments? Call 1-800-991-SHOUT or write Helen Johnson.
This is an S.C. Johnson Son, Inc. company. Am I to assume Helen is
one of the aforementioned Johnsons? I am tempted to ring Helen, so I
can inquire. I've had this bottle of SHOUT Gel for years. I don't often
have stains, but when I do, I'm not usually in the house. Is there a
purse-sized bottle available? When I'm out and I get a stain, I'm
usually dining and then I make the terrible mistake of dabbing the
offending blotch with a moistened napkin. If it's not a fine dining
establishment and the napkin is paper and not some variety of linen,
this is particularly bad, for a paste of paper will spread onto my
garment. It will be worse than the stain itself. I will regret it.
I also think the Johnsons, or specifically Helen Johnson, could
have made better use of English punctuation in naming the product. Why
not SHOUT! Gel? Although an exclamation point is used in the phrase
Nothing gets out tough stains better the 1st TIME!
There is a minty-fresh looking dollop of this "gel" on the package
that looks more like shaving cream or perhaps a galactic mound of dog
shit. It bothers me.
(2) Purex: Ultra Concentrated Detergent, IMPROVED FORMULA.
CAUTION: EYE IRRITANT. MAY BE HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED.
Here's the kicker: "New Formula Purex absorbs dirt and suspends it
in your wash water. As your washer drains, this technology helps
prevent dirt from settling back on your laundry by rinsing it away."
This revolutionary technology is what pushed me over the edge and
made me choose the Purex. I like the idea of dirt suspension, or ds. It
reminds me of the gentle, sacred chemistry of the vinaigrette.
Oil and vinegar don't mix. The goal of a vinaigrette, therefore, is
to suspend the two. This is accomplished with a stabilizing substance
such as mustard, mayonnaise, grated parmesan or even an egg, but these
days that is a bad idea because uncooked eggs are frightening and
dangerous. In New Jersey, for example, it is against the law to serve
eggs that are not prepared well-done.
Many years ago, before I became an upstanding, responsible adult
citizen, my electricity was turned off because I "forgot" to pay my
bill. It was off for the entire weekend. I lit candles and thought it
was very Bohemian. It wasn't! I was supposed to create one of my
amazing vinaigrettes for someone, my therapist specifically, but I had
no electricity.
The Solution
I took my food processor, which I no longer have because I used it
until it literally blew up, and plugged it in downstairs, in an outlet
that was exposed in the stairwell. I blended and crafted the
vinaigrette on the stairs of my Meat Packing District Pad, which was
not hip at all back then, but which is now highly desirable and which
probably costs a lot more than I was paying. I don't miss the begging
gypsy children downstairs. One of them stole a precious, miniature
Steiff bear given to me by a dear friend who collects them and who
probably has hundreds by now.
Purex smells pretty good and the cap is bright orange/red.
Question For Helen Johnson
In FIRST AID instructions, one is implored to drink a glassful of
milk or water should Purex be ingested. I wonder if soy or rice milk
can be substituted, or if organic milk offers a more effective cure, or
if low-fat milk works as well as high-fat.
(3) ULTRA Clorox 2: The Clorox Bleach for Colors.
Also an eye irritant. Milk is not offered as a remedy for
ingestion, making me think Helen Johnson is in bed with the American
Dairy Farmers Association, the lactose-pushers of the universe.
This product truly gives joy. It is the very reason to do one's own
laundry. There is no way in hell any of the pick-up services use this
stuff, or enough of it.
It's all about Clorox 2.
(4) CLOROX: Rain Clean Bleach, USE 1 CUP for Whiter Whites.
I dislike the smell of straight bleach, but there is something so redemptive about it.
I know a guy who frequents certain Ninth Avenue sex clubs and he
told me he keeps a bottle of Clorox in the shower for when he (finally)
arrives home after a night of standing around jorking off with a bunch
of moustached guys in nothing but their Timberland boots.
I'm not sure what makes this product "rain clean," perhaps Helen
Johnson knows. But I use tons of it on my whites since I hibernate in
my apartment a lot, wearing the same socks sometimes, so they get
really filthy.
Clorox is also good for sanitizing cutting boards and certain personal items made of silicon or rubber. The bottle warns:
Avoid bleaching wool, silk, mohair, leather, spandex, and non-fast colors.
I would also suggest not bleaching your children, pets, CDs and most electronic equipment.
(5) CVS? Fabric Softener: CONTROLS STATIC CLING, 80 Sheets (6.75 IN 12 IN ((17.1cm x 30.4cm)) EACH.
Note: I despise the Snuggle Bear.
INGREDIENTS: FABRIC SOFTENER AND A SMALL AMOUNT OF PERFUME ON A CARRIER.
Is this just a little vague? What sort of fabric softener? Perfume
made of what? "Carrier." Sounds so... epidemiological. Reminds me of a
certain weird, jealous "friend" in college who stopped talking to me
because I got an A on a philosophy paper and she didn't.
You see, she was a declared philosophy major at the time, and I was
not. She felt this was wrong. Anyway, she was talking about tofu one
day, before I was grown up enough to be open-minded about such things
and I made a face. She told me it was a medium, not a food in-itself.
Okay, fine. So I suppose tofu is also a "carrier" and fabric softener
sheets are media.
I use two (2) carriers in each load.
My laund-ro-mat is intense. It is very clean, there is a lot of
chrome, and the attendant is constantly buffing and shining. There are
two (2) televisions, both were playing the Country channel, and a story
about the Judds was on.
I received a phone call while I was there, and while it was fun, it made watching the Judds story challenging.
I went outside after loading up three (3) triple-loaders and bought
a low-nutrition meal, in acceptance of the fact that sometimes I can't
eat anything but blue corn chips and orange juice.
Another woman sat beside me, writing in her journal and penning
heartfelt note cards to family members. Being in the purifying shakti
of the laund-ro-mat makes people want to share. Luckily, she shared on
paper, with others. The attendant, I discovered, enjoys sharing aloud,
with me.
I learned that her cousin is holed up at home drinking herself to
death, doing coke, staying up late and making phone calls. Said
attendant admits to being kept up until three (3) a.m. by troubled
cousin in question. I'm getting better with compulsive sharers, I make
courteous and sincere comments, and leave quickly.
It took a while to fold my laundry because the phone call I was
engaged in divided my attention. As I listened, I admired (using my
inside voice) how white my whites were. After sending my laundry out
all this time, I had become accustomed to clothing not coming out as
clean and bright as it should/does when I do it myself. Said phone
conversation evolved into a late-night visit, which was full of antics,
including making honored visitor take a shower and being told, by
visitor, to turn off that CD of Indian chants, for it reminds of
Kool-Aid.
So I strapped the done laundry, in its bag, to my awesome, fold-up,
wheeled cart, then put my L.L. Bean monogrammed boat bag of laundry
amenities on top and split.
I have a feeling the attendant has something to do with the
aesthetic of the laund-ro-mat. There are glass coke bottles displayed
about, plus some interesting art and photography, and one or two
horrible plastic floral arrangements.
More sitting space is needed. Perhaps when it is warmer out, I will
bring an L.L. Bean fold-up chair. Or maybe the machines in my building
will be repaired by then. Or even better, just maybe, I'll be employed
again and will be able to ring Flora up and have her take care of my
laundry.
It does feel very grounding to have done my laundry, folded it, and
even now, as it sits in the bag untouched for almost a week, I know
it's there. I'm about ready for another load. Maybe tomorrow.
ebitch is the co-founder of ServeMyAss, a Web site devoted to
empowering the self-managed human. She also writes for Bunnyhop
magazine, Beliefnet, and other places on and offline.
|
Name: Lauren Schreiber
Email: LaurSchrei@aol.com
Date: Sun May 27 17:54:08 2001
Comment: Molly Schreiber is dirty clothes wash soak pant and shirt and sock and underwear in the bug laundry use soap
|
Name:
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 28 15:55:33 2001
Comment: ebitch wrote:
-----
Here's the kicker: "New Formula Purex absorbs dirt
and suspends it in your wash water. As your washer
drains, this technology helps prevent dirt from
settling back on your laundry by rinsing it away."
-----
This is absolutely true of Purex. I know because
this revolutionary chemistry technology came about
with the invention of a substance called "soap".
This is how soap works, people. Thus, all laundry
detergents -- indeed all soaps -- "suspend dirt".
|
Name:
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 21 12:10:57 2001
Comment: ebitcharoo you could always get another job as a barista...isn't that a 'hip' job??
Name: bob
Email: pale_13@usa.net
Date: Tue Mar 20 13:51:49 2001
Comment: I gave up on hip and cool a long time ago... as my friends will enthusiastically agree. :)
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Name:
Email:
Date: Tue Mar 20 13:30:14 2001
Comment: the really sad thing is that they're so clueless that they actually believe their pretense of egalitarianism. . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name:
Email:
Date: Tue Mar 20 13:14:54 2001
Comment: I think that there is a pressure to conform to a "hipness"
that is only hinted at, cool at the expense of interesting, ironically
disinterested instead of concerned, aloof is cool, concerned is
neurotic, I must be a reving nutcase. . . bring on the Thorazine. . .
For me, the interesting things to talk about are philosophy,
government, religion, as well as be able to make small talk, it's
impossible to communicate with anyone only through small talk. . .
Most "hip" people are boring because they're more ooncerned with
being hip, then they can hang around with other "hip" people. Of
course, they're told that only "hip" people are cool to hang with
anyway. . . kind of like its own unique kind of consumerist
brainwashing. . .
. . . fecking pathetic really. . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: Stepehen Ertischek
Email:
Date: Tue Mar 20 11:49:46 2001
Comment: Where does it say the"hip" people are interesting?
IMO the biggest problem with the net culture is the lack of
interesting people..in fact..I think this interesting people dearth
transcends the net world..there seem to BE less interesting people
around these days..why is that?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name: The Rev. Sir Damon Eric Harrell
Email: damonharrell@hotmail.com
Date: Tue Mar 20 00:58:27 2001
Comment: AMEN!
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Name: beammeup
Email: no@intelligentlife.net
Date: Mon Mar 19 11:59:18 2001
Comment: When you hire ONLY young designers you also, besides maybe
getting hip, interesting, possibly attractive young men and women (by
whose standard?) you run the risk of a staff thick with people who may
have little cultural depth, little experience, it's like buying young
wine in the hope that it will mature well. It MAY.
A company needs a good mix of people of all ages who bring different and useful perspectives as well as viable skills.
|
Name: bob
Email: pale_13@usa.net
Date: Wed Mar 21 11:50:49 2001
Comment:
It never ceases to amaze me that people who don't like something will
spend so much time composing acidic messages when they could simply
choose not to read them in the first place. |
Name:
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 21 11:20:30 2001
Comment:
come'on, jellyjill...i am positively jonesing for more detail regarding
your fascinating life. i am so interested in hearing about your period,
your lip-waxing, laundry escapades, the thread count of your sheets,
your cats, your chanting and your java consumption.
are you withholding updating your unemployment journal because
you think you may have landed a job in texas? do us a favor and give us
one more big dose of your ego before you go.
if ANYONE, ANYWHERE, offers you a job, TAKE IT. NY might miss you for a few minutes. nah, not a chance.
|
Name: beammeup
Email: no@intelligentlife.net
Date: Wed Mar 21 09:05:44 2001
Comment: positively treasonous. . .
|
Name: beammeup
Email: no@intelligentlife.net
Date: Wed Mar 21 09:05:14 2001
Comment: so. . . the enemy sold you a Camouflage laundry bag. . .
|
Name: Johnny Massie
Email: jwmassie@home.com
Date: Sat Mar 17 22:20:20 2001
Comment: Hugh??????
|
Name: Sara Tonin
Email:
Date: Sat Mar 17 21:04:03 2001
Comment: ebitch
Glad to see that you still have that spunk, roowwwrrrr! I was
concerned that since that posting of yours that invited the response of
magicalkittenfrenzy(where you at bro?) that perhaps your therapist took
all your spunk away. (Got to avoid those toxic people you know, just
ask your therapist).
And who told you that I am an ass face? All thought that could
explain while my partners(no definition fits my sexuality and gender is
irrelevant-it's just so socially constructed and narrow) have me wear
the mask when we play "Lone Ranger." My posting was not about my
"stupid fat ass", as you so eloquently state it. I am positive that you
realize this though, and are simply twisting my words to satisfy your
Junior High level response (ass face? really? just how close were you
to calling me a stupid booger-head anyways?) Unless of course you are
in Junior High in which case you rock! Sexually active with your own
place in Grade 7! Rock on!
Anyhow, I suppose the only decent thing to do is to respond in kind
to your response, to provide it with some kind of context so your own
response does not look as childish, and so here goes: Oh yeah! Well
you're gonna marry (Co-habitate, Common law, Whatever) Bobby the fat
geeky kid with the lazy eye! My mommy says that your mommy didn't bake
her own cookies for the bake sale! Cat fight after school by the bike
racks! Yeah, and whatever else you want to hear. Anyways, I think Howie
is the cutest Backstreet boy, which one do you like?
Spare us all the juvenille insults from now on.
|
Name: Harold
Email:
Date: Sat Mar 17 06:11:30 2001
Comment: My last name is Johnson, but I'm not related to the above. I've always liked Tide's design. That's all I have to say.
|
Name: Lala
Email:
Date: Sat Mar 17 04:27:45 2001
Comment: E-bitch,
There are two (2!) laundry items in OFFCENTRAL. In one of them, you
will find a long ago discussion of a study performed on the cleanliness
of commercial laundromats. I don't remember the numbers, but basically
the conclusion was that there is a shockingly large amount of fecal
matter floating around in the washers at your neighborhood laundromat.
Don't want to be alarmist or anything, just thought you might want to know.
|
Name: ebitch
Email: ebitch@netslaves.com
Date: Sat Mar 17 04:00:47 2001
Comment:
I know plenty of middle-class, SUV-driving lesbians. I knew this
laundry piece would bring a lot of friendly types out of hiding. Hey
ass face, I mean Sarah, go ahead and submit a story about your stupid,
fat ass. Go write your own fascinating article, or go to Home Depot or
wherever else you find meaning. As for my sexual orientation, I am most
turned on by a new band called Will Hoge and also I find a clean house
very erotic. I would, however, like to remain free of narrow
definitions such as lesbian, which do not fit at all. |
Name: Paul Rako
Email: winopaul@yahoo.com
Date: Fri Mar 16 16:58:32 2001
Comment:
"Laundry? LAUNDRY?!? Please tell me you aren't serious. Please tell me
this is a joke. Please tell me this "column" is actually about how
people will put any meaningless crap (like a list of and commentary on
one's laundry products) on the web and call it hip. Please?"
No joke dude.
The article is about branding. Although I can't vouch for her
sexual orientation I do know ebitch is in marketing and this article
deals with brand perception and awareness. My diatribe on clorox was a
setup for the following question:
"Why doesn't Microsoft work like clorox?"
We EXPECT Microsoft not to work. It's somehow OK. Driving around
wiith my software buddy Dave the other day he got a far away look and
said: "I'm really tired of being in an industry where nothing works."
He recently began using Codewarrior for the Palm so you can imagine
what brought this episode of melencholy on.
As for depression, exercise is better, longer lasting and cheaper
then those devil pills. In the old days valium for over 6 months and
you were suicidal. The columbine killers were on mind drugs, ones that
side effects included "grandious delusions". Pump iron don't pop pills.
(Anybody can send me acid or weed however.)
Still a lesbian trapped in a man's body after all these years.
|
Name: bob
Email: pale_13@usa.net
Date: Fri Mar 16 16:50:55 2001
Comment:
IF that anonymous claim was an attempt to "destroy middle class,
minivan dreams," then you obviously don't know too many middle class,
minivan driving men... or a few of the ladies as well. |
Name:
Email:
Date: Fri Mar 16 13:50:17 2001
Comment: guys, e-bitch is a lesbian...sorry to destroy your middle-class, mini-van dreams.
|
Name: anon
Email:
Date: Fri Mar 16 13:45:05 2001
Comment: re: Are there any e-enabled laundries in New York?
I think you've really hit upon something there!!! Write up a
business plan. I can put you in touch with a couple VC firms, and we
can go public in 9 months. eLaundry? iWash? Yea, and we can even make
every washer and dryer in the place an internet device so you can ping
it to see if your clothes are dry. |
Name: ebitch
Email:
Date: Fri Mar 16 13:29:58 2001
Comment:
|
Name: Sara Tonin
Email:
Date: Fri Mar 16 02:47:10 2001
Comment:
Uhh Steve, it's not like they give crack-cocaine away for free. And
like they totally don't give away LSD for free either. I think that I
missed the point in your comment. Are you trying to say that if they
don't give something away for free that it can't be misused/abused. It
seems to me that.....uummhhh ahhhhh Oh shit my Ritalin just wore out.
Oh yeah, can I submit an article about which brand of toilet paper
I use. I'll keep it under 1000 words. Maybe I'll start a site,
www.asswipe.com. I mean if you shove it up your ass its got to matter,
right. |
Name:
Email:
Date: Thu Mar 15 22:21:36 2001
Comment: Warning Pedanticism ahead
Being a jew does not an Israeli make.
Corollary: Being Middle Eastern does not a Palestinian make.
Begin sarcasm.
It's a good thing you aren't a bigot.
|
Name: Marco
Email: ctsailorman@yahoo.com
Date: Thu Mar 15 21:29:14 2001
Comment: Steve,
Not to piss on your party or anything... Technically Paxil is an
anti depressant. It makes you happy enough to go out in the world and
deal with all the rat bastards out there. Also Steve, I realize it is
not an FREE drug. Christ! It suprises me that you... Someone who makes
broad generalizations, doesn't know one when he reads one! |
Name: steve gilliard
Email: sgilliard@netslaves.com
Date: Thu Mar 15 16:58:50 2001
Comment:
Uh, Paxil is what they give you when you can't deal with people. It's
not for random depression. Besides, it's not like they give it away for
free.
And laundry is an underrated topic. I think I want to start a
laundry portal. When was the last time you had a meaningful discussion
about laundry. |
Name: MasterPo
Email:
Date: Thu Mar 15 16:18:07 2001
Comment:
E - If you get that job in TX we gotta do lunch before you go!
|
Name: samezone19
Email:
Date: Thu Mar 15 15:21:18 2001
Comment:
Are there any e-enabled laundries in New York? You know, with three
dollar an hour 56K dial-up terminals? I've been looking to drop a load
in one for a while. This might be a great business opportunity for the
owners - they could simply recycle old machines (computers, not
dryers), run Linux/GNOME on them, and put them to money-making use.
Could give Linux a big boost too.
|
Name: Marco
Email: ctsailorman@yahoo.com
Date: Thu Mar 15 14:53:42 2001
Comment:
Paxil? PAXIL! Oh Goodness, Gracious, Me! Tell me your not taking that
crap. Unhappy! Take a pill!No need to work on what the cause of all
that unhappiness might be! My god I think I'm going to live on some
island in the south pacific and let the crazies have the place. |
Name:
Email:
Date: Thu Mar 15 14:32:20 2001
Comment: Wow, I also see that you discovered the shift key on your keyboard.
I've done my own laundry since I was twelve. Even in the midst of
20 hour work days and having to listen to programmers shout in three
different languages over my head I still found some way to do a load of
laundry. I will admit it was much easier when I actually owned my own
washer and dryer.
I sincerly hope this was supposed to be some biting satire on life that I missed due to lack of sleep and overdose of Paxil.
|
Name:
Email:
Date: Thu Mar 15 14:23:05 2001
Comment:
Laundry? LAUNDRY?!? Please tell me you aren't serious. Please tell me
this is a joke. Please tell me this "column" is actually about how
people will put any meaningless crap (like a list of and commentary on
one's laundry products) on the web and call it hip. Please? |
Name: ebitch
Email: ebitch@netslaves.com
Date: Thu Mar 15 13:50:58 2001
Comment:
hello from austin. i wish i had a mini-washer/dryer in my room. i feel
a wonderful sense of satisfaction and serenity when i know all my
clothes are clean.
in my previous apartment, i had a washer/dryer but wound up not
using it much b/c who had time slaving 18 hours a day, on weekends and
holidays? also the washer broke and they couldn't seem to fix it.
weather is nice here.
had a close moment last night when i was told there was "no more
coffee for tonight" at the restaurant, so i walked right into the
kitchen and some magically appeared. isn't that cool how in texas there
really are miracles?
am hooking up with a potential employer later on.
later friends,
e
|
Name: ebitch
Email: ebitch@netslaves.com
Date: Thu Mar 15 13:50:57 2001
Comment:
hello from austin. i wish i had a mini-washer/dryer in my room. i feel
a wonderful sense of satisfaction and serenity when i know all my
clothes are clean.
in my previous apartment, i had a washer/dryer b
|
Name: bob
Email: pale_13@usa.net
Date: Thu Mar 15 09:27:58 2001
Comment: Gain and Clorox, Gain and Clorox, Gain and Clorox...
Need I say more?
|
Name: Marco
Email: ctsailorman@yahoo.com
Date: Thu Mar 15 08:15:41 2001
Comment: Christ....
I've been doing my own laundry since I was seven, there's nothing
to it, just dump the crap in the machine, dump some liquid crap in
after that turn the swithc and press a button. Jesus! |
Name:
Email:
Date: Thu Mar 15 03:30:06 2001
Comment: Paul and eBitch, you guys should get together and do a dialog column. The insanity...
|
Name: Paul Rako
Email: winopaul@yahoo.com
Date: Thu Mar 15 02:18:21 2001
Comment:
oxyclean, hmmm. maybe it's time to buy a television. just soak ?em huh?
this is a life changing event for me. i have the nice vietnamese lady
on the corner wash and fold my laundry as well as clean and press and
starch my shirts. I?m never going back. best 20 bucks i spend. i used
to go the swanky laundromat in nearby upscale mountain view california.
like all hip people i used the triple load sideloaders. much better
results then the conventional machines. i used a single load sideloader
for my oxford dress shirts. less water usage with a sideloader too. now
that california's a third world backwater with no electricity i expect
the water to dry up next. the answer: a sideloader in every garage. but
i didn't write in to talk about water, electricity and sideloaders. i
wrote in to talk about bleach. specifically:
clorox.
not the wimpy color-safe new-age crap or the stuff with numbers
after it that must have come from the ford marketing department in
1980. i'm talking about the real magilla. straight up clorox, uncut and
right from the cook. clorox calls it clorox regular. it should really
be called clorox special. that's what it is. my mom instilled a healthy
respect for clorox with stories of the instant death of hapless
housewives who mixed clorox and ammonia. like all kids everywhere it
was an easy association. "wow, this stuff can kill you. it must be
really good or really fun or both. i'm here to tell you i let clorox go
out of my life. maybe it was the job pressure or the hectic silicon
valley pace. i had a diffuse sense of unease, a vague sense of
something missing, an undefined hollowness. i was alone and adrift in
my world. a world without clorox.
last week i bought a bottle of spic and span (assholes at
albertson?s don't have the powder or worse yet they don't make it
anymore. (e-b -- why oh why do them marketing types keep messing with
our cultural icons? what's next, no mcnuggets?)) I bought the spic and
span and a bottle of clorox because the white linoleum tile in my shop
looks like something from stalinworld in lithuania. I know the bleach
will turn my bathroom into a hospital o.r.
so I still haven?t gotten around to doing the floors. (lots of
water...let it sit (better living through chemistry), then mop it up
and voila.) meanwhile I had a problem with the plastic jug I use for
making iced tea. I use the lipton caffeine-free-- 6 bags in liter of
hot tap water and throw the whole mess in the fridge. the problem was
that the tea would go bad and get that "funky" taste after a couple of
days, despite my washing it with palmolive gold (tm). so i remember my
ex-girlfriend Kathy, the cokehead who took a bunch of hotel management
classes, told me the hip outfits use bleach to clean the ice tea pots
ect ect. so i go downstairs and get the clorox regular which really
should be called clorox special. about a quarter cup and shake it
around and wow! i never saw the jug so clean. and get this-- the tea
doesn't go bad for a week. i'm so jazzed i get the big plastic cups my
sister got at the 96 olympics which were all stained with tea and had
rings on the inside and would make the tea go bad if it sat in the
glass overnight. swish a little clorox regular, which should really be
called clorox special, uncut and straight from the cook and the mugs
have never looked this good. i left a full glass out overnight and the
tea still tastes perfect the next day.
oh yeah, my cokehead ex also used clorox for testing coke?little
streamers means real coke. Too bad the hollow-eyed bitch used abrasive
cleanser on every kitchen utensil and the shower. I might forgive all
the cocaine abuse but ruining the visionware (tm) gets her ass kicked
out the door. ohh!! maybe some clorox will make the shower look better
too?I?ll be right back....yowza!
bb king has pointed out that "nobody loves you but your mother and
she might be jiving too." my momma wasn't jiving about clorox. this is
good stuff. i just hope they don't do ?clorox light? and ?diet clorox?
and ?low fat clorox? and dilute the brand those trout and preiss guys
warned about in that book.
as to the first poster who called this a "humble site" i need to
inform him the only thing humble at this site is emily, who doesn?t
tell the linux ranters she's a kernel level os programmer. i think this
is the hottest site on the internet. technology, populism and laundry
tips. what else do you need?
oh yeah, since capitalization is a zero sum game, i have relinquished my capitals so ebitch can use them.
still bright and clean after all these years.
|
Name: nan
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 14 21:36:52 2001
Comment:
I think I have learned more about laundry than I ever thought possible.
This, however, is definitely a good thing...last time I did laundry I
used Cheer. Or something that was a bleach alternative. I don't
remember anymore.
And Steve G., I don't know what you were smoking when you wrote that, but it cracked me up.
|
Name: reader x
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 14 20:04:35 2001
Comment:
Bathhouse chicks rock.
Your futon must stink, eh?
|
Name: Steve Gilliard
Email: sgilliard@netslaves.com
Date: Wed Mar 14 20:00:33 2001
Comment: Ebitch,
Laundry is a good way to meet women. Better than sitting in your
apartment and writing. Well, actually.....anyway, it's boring as hell,
but a nice time to get lunch and read for fun.
Having actually been to a bathhouse, as well as masturbated, one
for a story, the other, well as a daily routine, however, neither
occured at the same time, since women do not frequent bathhouses and
naked men have no appeal to any of my senses.
I however, tend to refrain from sexual activity where bleach is required. Women, yes, Condoms, ok, bleach, no.
Anyway, I have thought about letting others do my laundry, or
buying a washing machine. I do not trust others to wash my clothes and
deliver them back to me. I refuse to deal with the pain of unhooking my
old machine. Thus I attend the laundry on occasion. In some
neighborhoods, they serve beer in them.
I would suggest Clorox 2 for your bleach needs. Regular bleach is
ok for a pre-soak, but will turn all your clothes into stoner wear. At
36, I do not need stoner wear, nor do I want it.
I would also suggest bringing your own music. The only Judd I care
about does not sing in public often, but she sure does light up a movie
screen.
Laundry has only one good upside, dry, hot clothes.
I fear it is too late for me to be a domesticated male, used to
drinking beer and watching football. I can drink beer fine, but I cook
most nights, wash clothes, change diapers and babysit. Thus I am now
useful to womankind. That has it's upside, but in six or seven years,
if not sooner, when I have a spouse or SO, she will come to expect
dinner on the table, a small child changed and ready to watch that
year's version of the educational/marketing nexus. Telepokemoncapters
and the laundry done.
But that is the future and for now I need to clean out my office and flip my futon around.
|
Name:
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 14 19:42:34 2001
Comment:
I think ebitch hired lil' kids to break their puny little backs taking
her laundry away and never tipped them. By the way, here is the
cheapest, most disgusting way of doing laundry:
Get a bottle of that Oxyclean crap they shell on TV all the time.
Fill out a giant garbage pail with water. Dump this oxyclean thing in
there and use the garbage pail as your dirty laundry hamper. When it's
almost full, rinse with water and hang dry (or put in dryer, but that
kinda defeats the whole savings). |
Name: reader x
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 14 19:41:36 2001
Comment:
She made me take that late-night shower because I reeked of Clorox,
Lubriderm and a hellish melange of Drakkar Noir and White Shoulders.
But it was worth it.
|
Name: confused laundromat guy
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 14 17:56:54 2001
Comment:
Like, how did you get your laundry done when you were working? By the
pound at a laundry? Dry cleaning? Did your company have interns to do
the laundry? |
Name: MasterPo
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 14 16:11:55 2001
Comment:
Back off Marco - I called DIB's first! :-)
|
Name: Marco
Email: ctsailorman@yahoo.com
Date: Wed Mar 14 15:33:51 2001
Comment:
Ebitch... I've been waiting for this moment for months... Now that you
know how to do laundry, I want to make you my wife and take you away
from your dreary Brooklyn digs and out to suburban CT, There's a
minivan in your future! |
Name: Stephen Ertischeck
Email:
Date: Wed Mar 14 13:48:31 2001
Comment: ebitch:
I am gonna make a few phone calls and get u a column in the New
Yorker..yours is a powerful new voice in laundry and unemployment
literature..it deserves to e heard outside the confines of this humble
site..and remember- as Zippy says..Laundry is the fifth dimension. |
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