Valentine's Day: The Meaning of Hell (What To Do On the Most Miserable Day of the Year?)
Posted Wed Feb 14 09:46:45 2001 by steveg |
By Steve Gilliard
The need to buy something for Valentine's Day, of course, assumes that geeks have sex, much less relationships.
In the reality of the IT world, the only loving relationship many
people have is between their hands, genitals and cats. And the cats may
be neglected.
So, what do you do when your only prospects for happiness today
involves massive alcohol consumption, winning the weekly lotto or
seeing your boss catch on fire?
1) Watch movies.
Watch movies which express the true happiness of the soul. Road
Warrior, Saving Private Ryan, Evil Dead, Casino, Road Trip. These
movies remind you that people can be capricious, cruel, evil and
brutal. Just to see the baby faced American Rangers yell "let them
burn" as a flame thrower explodes into a bunker, reminds you grandpa
may be more complicated than you think.
Of course, you can imagine your ex's new boyfriend being a German
infantryman and meeting his end that way. Or you can really find a
depressing, doomed movie like Stalingrad, Cross of Iron or Paths of
Glory. Anyway you cut it, romance will not be on your mind as the
Germans shoot it out with hordes of Russian infantrymen or the soldiers
are unjustly executed by a maniac general.
Of course, for full-out rage explosion, you need to get Asian
movies. Yojimbo, Seven Samurai, Hard Boiled, Rapid Fire, Prison on
Fire. These movies will remind you that people suck and need to die and
that will make you feel happy.
Of course, if you have the heart, rent movies like Damage, Belle du
Jour or Body Heat. Trust me, being alone will be the last thing on your
mind as Bill Hurt's face realizes he's been had in the last scene of
Body Heat. Or that when you have sex, if you can get over the anal
thing, a prostate massage is awesome.
2) Play video games.
Part of the reason you're home jerking off, but hey, Unreal
Tornament, Rainbow Six, Diablo are at least better than explaining to
your mom that your hours mean you can only get the odd blow job from
the cleaning lady, and her kids are taking her to dinner tonight.
Nothing like a three hour long frag fest to deny the essential pain
that this fecking day brings.
3) Drink.
The catch-all solution to personal pain. You get your single
friends, find a dive and tie one on. Why waste time with beer when Jack
and coke is the only thing needed to get through the night. You're
going to be sloppy and depressed anyway, why be stuck in your
apartment, staring at your monitor, crying like a baby, sober, while
you can be drunk, staring at happy couples and crying like a baby in
the middle of the street.
Maybe someone will take pity on you and give you a mercy feck. They
sure as shit won't if you're alone moaning about the world is unfair
and sucks. See, drugs don't work here because you won't get sloppy
enough or too sloppy. While poor schmucks are trying to pretend that
they really like their girlfriends for more than sex and aren't
nauseated by the sappy themes, you'll be crawling on your knees in the
gutter.
When you wake up the next morning with bloody knees and a bad
hangover, the idea that someone had romantic sex last night will seem
as relevant as the next leader of the Chinese government. You could
have ended your morning at Kiev, the way so many drunk mornings ended,
but they closed the place. Goddamn their onery hides.
4) Masturbate
Well, yeah, but make it special. Get that new vibrator, rent a new
porno, use Astroglide instead of hand lotion. You're going to be
masturbating anyway, why not make it special. Download some erotica
from www.asstr.org.
You'll find every kind of sexual variety from mother fecking to father
fecking to lesbian orgies. For those of the gay/lesbian/bi persuasion, www.nifty org has your kinks in stock. We also think that Persian Kitty
is good for cheap, free porn. And there is all that Japanese Hentai on
the net. Let's just say the Japanese like to draw their porn.
5) Work
Well, yeah. This is why you're not out on a date tonight. You're
building some fecking code for a doomed site or writing a story that no
one will never read. If you had perspective, you wouldn't be here,
would you. Did you think your SO would tolerate forgotten birthdays,
holidays, special events. When you get paged to fix the printer once
again, did you really think you would be left with someone in your
life? Well, this is what you get. Be glad the cat still cares. The SO
has the dog. They need attention.
6) Watch TV
Sports, the warm embrace of mother sport always exist. There is no
Valentines Day on ESPN or Fox Sports. There is only sport, sweet, sweet
sport. You can also go to the Discovery Channel, the History Channel
may preempt their regular Hitlercentric programming to examine love in
its many forms. feck that. Discovery will whip out some Navy SEALS for
you and they are not exactly symbols of romance, unless you think the
Barrett .50 rifle has replaced Cupid's bow. If you're real lucky, maybe
they'll have maneating sharks. Just like that bitch who left you, ate
your heart like a baby seal........
Anyway, it's only one day. One intensely painful day which reminds
you of your flaws and failures like no other, except for your little
sister's/best friend's wedding. A day which will be over like any other
day, except the hours will be just that much longer and painful. So
buck up, drink, and realize that your day can be worse.
You could be on Jerry Springer because your SO has a surprise for you.
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Name: eudas
Email:
Date: Thu Feb 15 15:22:06 2001
Comment: reminds me of my dreams of running around with a .50cal desert eagle.
eudas, who plays too much counterstrike... :)
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Name: bob
Email: pale_13@usa.net
Date: Thu Feb 15 14:43:47 2001
Comment:
Just noticed above, a Barrett .50? For those of you who absolutely need
to hunt in neighboring states without leaving the comforts of home...:)
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Name: beam. . .
Email:
Date: Thu Feb 15 10:20:32 2001
Comment: oh come on bob, it's Sam Kinnison or nothing
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Name: bob
Email: pale_13@usa.net
Date: Thu Feb 15 09:07:28 2001
Comment:
Oh please, please, PUH-LEASE let us not degrade into a "my religion is
better than your religion" post! I've seen dozens of those in the past
year alone on various forums, and very rarely does anyone change their
mind.
Like your collection of naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine, religion is something you should keep to yourself.
'Kay?
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Name: Beammeup
Email:
Date: Thu Feb 15 08:13:21 2001
Comment:
I challenge you to prove, oh wait. . . is this a faith thing. . . that
the bible is "divinely inspired". Take as much time as you need. . . la
la la. . . |
Name: tenacitus
Email:
Date: Wed Feb 14 20:07:00 2001
Comment:
Yeah Stalingrad did make me feel down but maybe thats cos when I saw it
over christams I had moved back to my parent's house to go to school.
Over all a very funny post. And some of my little sister's friends
are married which is begining to make me wonder if I will be single for
ever.
|
Name:
Email:
Date: Wed Feb 14 19:57:57 2001
Comment:
If I go home tonight and find Jodie Foster in my bed I will certainly
take a greater interest in the Bible. Till then it's to bad I'm on the
wagon but that medical marijuana prescription should do just fine,
thanks California. Get high, grab the strat and play the blues along
with all the masters. Ah... love trouble. I did get a letter from my ex
yesterday. It reminded me of two important things: 1) ALWAYS ask before
getting involved: ?Are you on any strong psychiatric medicines?? and 2)
I've got to get a restraining order against her. |
Name:
Email:
Date: Wed Feb 14 18:07:07 2001
Comment:
Eric, an excellent book that has change my life for the far, far, beter
is the Holy Bible. Also roughly 2000 years old, it still holds true
(and very relevant) today. It too has powerful messages on everything
of merit in one's life. Not setting aside its "religous" message (if
you can call it that, as religion is a construct of man, while the
Bible is of divine inspiration) will give you even greater fulfillment
and understanding. |
Name: Eric
Email:
Date: Wed Feb 14 17:05:29 2001
Comment:
Troll - I do disagree about your 'insect society' comment. I think that
the ability for an individual to practice 'free will' has never been
greater. The problem is that people (love your sheeple word!) put up
unfounded barriers based on their own interpretation of future events
(getting fired, going bankrupt, etc.). I urge everyone here to read
'The Bhagavad Gita'. Setting aside its religious message, it has a very
powerful message for duty and work. It changed my life after reading
it. Amazing how a book 2000 years old can be so relevant today. |
Name: Eric
Email:
Date: Wed Feb 14 16:52:13 2001
Comment:
Troll - I agree with you that engineers are the dumbest smart guys/gals
I know. They don't realize that its not the work that gets you
promoted, its the thinking behind the work that does. |
Name: Troll
Email: Troll@underthebridge.com
Date: Wed Feb 14 15:56:01 2001
Comment:
Alot of sheeple believe the internet will save people and make our
lives so much richer. Personally, I wish not to be robbed of the
ability to use my mind and make mistakes. Our insect society has
mutated to the point of the removal of individual thought and
culpability from the individual to the collective (the manefesto behind
all corporations, hence the name). Nevermind alot of the slaves and
drones that work in IT (mostly to produce useless widgets and privacy
invading databases) work 80+ hours a week, only to come home to broken
family relationships in the quest for the almighty dollar.
Engineers/techs are the dumbest smart guys I know. There is what is
called balance. While the internet and related technology provide
usefull benefits, we don't need privacy invading (and overall useless)
widgets to clutter up our already overtaxed lives. Instead of making
things more complex (to necessitate faster and faster computers- and
more money) IT needs to return to a balance point of providing what is
needed, nothing more. Instead of bloating the internet and software
with features never used, or features designed to strip us of what
little privacy we have left -KISS (Keep it simple stupid). No doubt
many of yu reading this will have the good old humanistic knee-jerk
response, but think about what I am trying to say. Tell your
significant other(s) you love them, spend time with them, and gain
balance in your life. Your career is not that (if at all) importnat, so
get a beter perspective. Cheers. |
Name: dotcommie
Email: commie@youworkit.com
Date: Wed Feb 14 15:17:08 2001
Comment: Might I suggest playing (The Who) Quadrophenia really loud? I'm listening to "Love, Reign O'er Me.." right now...
Damn, that's MY Valentine day song....
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Name:
Email:
Date: Wed Feb 14 15:04:43 2001
Comment: funny. good. read it all.
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Name: twisted sistah
Email: bitemybeaver@hotmail.com
Date: Wed Feb 14 13:39:16 2001
Comment:
Hey Gilly, you wrote (for fantasies for the unemployed):
"So, what do you do when your only prospects for happiness today
involves massive alcohol consumption, winning the weekly lotto or
seeing your boss catch on fire?"
Why pick just one? I'd like to see all 3.....just think, I can win
the lotto, get stinking drunk, and set my ex-boss on fire--or hire
thugs with my new-found bread to do same....
hee hee.....
You also left out "Setting EuroTrash on Fire" and "Setting Asshole
Dilletantes who Clog Up Networking Events on Fire..." But that's
another article for another time....
|
Name: Trailer Trash
Email: I dont give a shit.com
Date: Wed Feb 14 11:27:29 2001
Comment:
Sheesh, even William Shatner is getting some (getting married the 4th
time to a nice looker too). So I guess masturbating to Star Trek won't
be the same. Happy Valentine's Day, enjoy your D and D, program hard my
little droogies, and I'll be thinking about you (for about 20
nanoseconds, that is) while laying pipe. Maybe then you will realize
that an 80 hour work week is a waste of life. Get one. |
Name: bob
Email:
Date: Wed Feb 14 10:17:29 2001
Comment:
It looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the crypt this
morning. I guess we know who won't be saving Ryan's Privates...
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