I've just come from seeing High Fidelity, a movie about music geeks. The kind of people who love music to the point where they can pick out when and where a cut was recorded. But the music is background for eternal questions about love and fidelity. Geeks live in an eternal conflict between their love of topic and love of people. Hell, let's face it, a lot of geeks are geeks because they don't much like people.
I like people just fine. I'd just like to meet someone who would bother to wear lipstick when we went on a date. Hell, I shave. The thing about being a geek is that you live in a world where you can't readily explain what you do for a living. People just don't care about Linux or Playstation or which version of Respect is better. Most people, I guess, because I'm not one of them, have a broad range of interests and never get too worked up about any one thing. Is it a passionless life? I don't know, I don't live one.
So many geeks live in a weird, self-imposed exile. I know it would be nice to wake up naked in a strange bed, but that's hard to do when you work alone, at home. You can't exactly import women over a phone line, well, you can, but that's not the best way to spend money. Unless you're in Amsterdam.
If you're a geek, you spend half your time wondering if you'll ever meet anyone, and if you do, will you be able to keep them. It's a constant thought, because your passions are a poor substitute for passion.
I wonder if people substitute fascination with things they can control over things they can't-other people. You start to wonder if you've created a world so limited that you can't really reach beyond it. It's funny, because if you look at the outposts of geek culture, from Slashdot, to gaming magazines to Maxim, they all reflect two things, insularity and the desire to connect not based on the virtues of geekdom. And before you argue that Maxim is not for geeks, look at the freaking thing; Playstation reviews, sex tips from friendly women, all the shit geeks need but pretend don't matter.
At 35, I've figured out that this is it, at least for now. Anything I do, any life I make, is going to
revolve around words and computers and strange, bright people. It took a long time to accept, because, like most people, I thought I'd be another Dilbert. If you grew up in the 1980's, that was a successful life, sitting in an office and wearing a suit and tie. Now, there's no suit, no tie and my bedroom as an office. I might get some space overlooking a sweatshop some day, but there won't be any massive corporate rules. I'll never be able to explain what I do or why I do it.
Which means whoever enters my life has to embrace these things. It's a sobering constraint. You confront your mortality, and then how you want to live that life. The odds are, unless you get real unlucky, you'll see 70, and do you really want to have most of that 70 years devoted to shit and not people. You may have the greatest record collection in the world, but that record collection is
shit other people did. It never once traded it's jacket for another kid's or decided to not go to school.
But you just can't be with someone because they're there. The geek dilemma is that if you opt for human comfort, you may miss that understanding you need. It's hard enough having your parents and half your friends look at you like a nutjob. Your bed shouldn't be another place where you have to justify your life.
Why did this come up instead of some elaborate April Fool's Joke? Because Netslaves has spent the last few days being grilled by TV people. When asked to define one's self, eventually, one has to have answers. Not that TV's a big deal. But it means someone thinks you know something.
I would say we've learned a lot from you, the readers and list posters, more than we could have just on our own.
No one wants to miss the one big chance.Working online and cashing in or keeping the one person who might actually stay married to you for more than three years. Success is scarier than failure because when you fail, you have nothing to lose and you just start over. When you actually succeed, you have to keep doing it over and over. I can say I've had a few sleepless, uncomfortable nights and I haven't been successful yet. I can just see it happening.
And I wonder when I get, no earn, my geek woman (anyone dating a girl at 35 belongs in jail) to go along with the rest of it. Of course, I know I first have to have a life with a new apartment and a steady income and proof I can function as an adult, a question people have had from time to time about me. But at least by asking the question, I know what I have to do, which is grow up some more.
Well, the people who run CD Now and Dr. Koop.com have no fear of success, because they are hardly successful. Both look like early candidates to be shoved into the wastepaper basket of Internet history. Losing money in tight markets, funding is drying up and stocks are falling.
They aren't going to grow because they were just unlucky. Spent too much money, didn't
make the right deals, got fat and lazy when lean and hungry would have been better.
Oh, and Microsoft won't be dealing yet. They need to get smacked with the anti-trust ruling which is sure to make them the next Standard Oil. They'll deal in the end. Not like they have a choice.
I'm betting that 2001 is gonna look a lot different than 2000 for net companies. Starting in Redmond and rippling all the way down the line.
I may get around to an April Fool's Joke, but somehow, I think Judge Jackson will take care of that for me. I think the Valley will ring with glee and laughter when Microsoft gets is just desserts. Because if everyone wants to find love, they also don't mind a bit of revenge.
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