Have you seen these words floating around your curio shops lately? "What Would Jesus Do?" stenciled onto bracelets, written onto shirts, white-outed on the back of bookbags. Some colorful, some serious. All a piece a crap, intent on making a quick dollar off a fickle God-lover.

But, I suppose, if I look at it neutrally, it's a great marketing scheme. I mean, what better way to remind people that they should be kind, and like their savior? However, I think it is stupid for two main reasons:

a) Are we constantly supposed to be reminded that we are not perfect? And why the hell should we try? We know we won't be perfect, so why should we care what someone else would do? Would you want to go around, and be constantly reminded by your sister (who knows you are trying to get into some elite club headed by a guy named Rocky) whenever you try to do something: "What would Rocky do?" Why try to attain something which we won't ever accomplish? Jesus was perfect, he made all the perfect decisions. By trying to question what his actions would be, we try to make ourselves in his image, we try to make ourselves perfect. That's egotistical and sacrilegious. I can't wait until fights start breaking out over people's opinions about what Jesus would do.

b) What would Jesus Do? He'd probably run his holy ass into some cave and wonder what the hell that box is with the moving pictures. Being literal and deliberately funny, Jesus wouldn't know what the hell to do in our society. Sure, he would definitely try to understand and make everyone all kind hearted... but he'd probably be murdered in about two minutes by the guy down on Verner and Junction. Go read "J.C. in L.A." by Willy Werby. Great book about Jesus coming into our times.

I think a "What Would Morbus Do?" pin would be a much better indication that you are ready to THINK instead of ready to THINK YOU'RE PERFECT.

A couple of issues ago, I dealt with the topic of rape. Rape happens, it's a unlikable fact of life. What, however, should the punishment be for such crimes? One man who has already been convicted of rape and sexual harassment suggested having their penis removed and many rapers have agreed. Should they be given that choice? Isn't this America? Or do we consider that maybe having a penis is not the problem?

What would stop Joe Two-tone from grabbing a carrot (a la "Jack Frost") and going around raping women with a vegetable? What would stop him from constantly phoning a ladies' house, waking up her kids, or throwing rocks at all her windows? And repeating it each time they are replaced.

Yes, rape comes in the form of sexual intrusion. What about mind-rape? Will Joe Two-tone stop his ways simply because he has lost his favorite weapon? There are thousands of different kinds of knives, just as there could be thousands of different methods of rape. What about partner-rape? Maybe Two-tone has a friend on the outside... he holds the girl still and stops her from screaming, and Bobby goes at it.

Sure... America breeds choice, smog, hatred, choice, hot dogs, and baseball. America also breeds SHORTCUTS. We don't try to solve the problems we have... we either modify them slightly (missing penis), or forget about them entirely (lock him up). Cutting off a penis may work for some people... but every so often, even your cat or dog has a hump at your blanket or leg. What would stop humans, merely a step up in the evolution process, from doing the exact same thing?

This opinion is about women, body image and aging. I was flipping through channels one sunday afternoon and landed on a channel with track and field sports. A woman was being interviewed, she had just won a race. What was the first thing the interviewer asked her? It was something along the lines of: "How could you possibly win that race at your age? Being a ripe thirty-year-old?!!" I almost died! THIRTY?! Just what kind of message does that send to society?

"Better kill yourselves now gals! In a few years you will be worthless. Those of you who are already over the age of 29, I'm so sorry, but we'll have to kill you."

Give me a break!

This woman was in top physical condition! More so than me, even though I am getting on in years (I am 24). It really bites my ass how media undermines women who are over the age of 30, and how amazing it is to society that some women actually accomplish something beyond their teenaged/early-adult years. Thousands upon thousands of advertisements make us self-conscious about one little wrinkle, or if our breasts are not squeezed together to look like an ass, large and perky at the same time. Or if we don't weigh 98 pounds at five-feet-eleven and have plastic barbie-doll bodies. It is sick when American society tells women that they should only be active members when they are young, and do nothing when they are old. AND WOMEN BUY INTO IT.

Why? Why?!

Plastic surgery, Wrinkle creams, Make-up, "I can't believe it's a girdle!" girdle, Geratol, Ensure, Stop it! I don't know which is worse, the messages or the people who buy into them.

I propose that women unite and change the current norm that tells us what we should and should not be, at any age.

To begin... get real women into the media. Not many people realize that most of the images we see in magazines and television advertisements are all computer enhanced, manipulated to look like there are actually people like that in existence! Hate to break it to ya, but Cindy Crawford's thighs on the covers of Cosmopolitan are airbrushed to look thinner. Some of the women on the covers of fashion magazines are mere Frankenstein monsters, a nose from one woman here, a different eye there, enlarge the lips, lengthen the legs.

Please, someone out there with money make a magazine with models of all shapes and sizes and ages. Take them off the streets, out of the office buildings, supermarkets, households... I want REALITY.

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Devil Shat is published by Disobey & is protected under all copyright laws.
Devil Shat Thirty One was released on 07/16/98. Last updated: 07/16/98.