p a r t t w o
the devil shat dictionary
by Morbus
If you remember, way back in
Issue Ten, we ran the Devil Shat Dictionary as some sort of special
deal... you know, everything we talked about in the first nine
issues dummied up into something that could be easily defined. Some
people hated it, some people liked it. So, it's been a long time
coming, but here is Part Two.
For those who hated it,
don't worry. This will be the last time. We will still be doing the
Devil Shat Dictionary, but only in the online versions of Devil
Shat. And for those who liked it, we plan to keep it updated every
issue, so that if you don't know what something means (um...), you
can quickly jump over to the special and see if we defined it.
So without further Mountain
Dew...
- ACCEPTED A SUCK:
- Another term for saying "yes" to a blow job.
- ALT.BEATMYWIFE:
- Got a habit, desire, or secret fetish? put "alt." in front of it
for newsgroups, and throw a ".com" on it for websites, and you'll
probably find it. Directly linked to shootingdogs.com and other
websites that only those searching for them will ever find.
- ALT.THOUGHT:
- An empty newsgroup that hasn't received a meaningful post since
I subscribed to it. Obviously no one is looking for thought
anymore.
- ANTIQUE STORE:
- Another name for Heaven... so called because Heaven is never
cleaned out, only added too.
- BARBIE'S ASS:
- Used in the phrase "who gives a barbie's ass?", this is more
detailed than "who gives a shit" as it gets to the root of the
matter.
- BARCODE:
- As pointless as most anything can be (bunch of different widths
of lines), the barcode is often referred to as the "mark of the beast"
since without it, you cannot buy (most of the time).
- BETTER MURDERER:
- When you kill more people than the enemy; often used when your
son comes home after surviving a war... he became a better murderer
than the enemy.
- CONTRADICTION OF LIFE:
- A philosophy that represents the opposite of everything we see
around us... life is around us, yet the philosophy is based around
everything that contradicts these beliefs, actions and sights.
- COW LOVING GROUP ONE:
- They like holstein cows.
- COW LOVING GROUP THREE:
- They paint Gateway advertisements on cows.
- DONE THAT YEAR:
- The strange fascination that when January 1st comes around, there
is a "new" year. What holds true is totally opposite: nothing is
new, merely redone with prettier colors.
- D-WORD:
- He writes stuff about sports, of course, being usually filled
with extensive stats that no one who reads Devil Shat would care
about and as such, are heavily edited. You can use "d-word" in a
sentence if someone is being too verbose or too detailed. Just start
yelling it at them.
- EMBRACE THE DEVIL:
- Hell, do it again! Used in conjunction with efforts to lose
personality/freedom/life, i.e.: office cubicles, identification
numbers, and so forth.
- EMOTIONLESS:
- The name of someone who supposedly committed suicide on the web.
She is now getting the attention she deserves. Guess she "one-upped"
Tim Leary.
- FILM AT TEN:
- To be heartless and uncaring about something. To dummy up an
emotional instance into a monotonic recital of facts. (eg. "your
mother died today, film at ten").
- FORM LETTER:
- What the government sends you when your boy dies in the
war.
- FORTUNE COOKIE RESPONSES:
- When people try to answer questions by giving very interpretative
statements that mean totally different things to myself, you, or
Johnny. In other words, they are no answer at all.
- GULF WAR SYNDROME:
- A buzz phrase for "I saved your asses, look at me!"
- I PRODUCED A CAT:
- It was painful. neko unjatta.
- ICQ:
- The devil's tool for communicating with his human sinners. His
ICQ number (see: "UIN") is 2927491.
- IMAGE:
- What you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to like, and
who you are supposed to hang out with.
- JOHNNY:
- Our miscellaneous guy to pick on when we need to make an example.
Best characterized by the fat guy who kills himself in Full Metal
Jacket.
- JOIN HANDS AND SING SONGS:
- False happiness over small victories.
- KHAAMO:
- "Kick His Ass And Move On," a secret "acronym-code" that has been
revealed here for the first time.
- LANGUAGE OF TYPE:
- The language most people use in chat rooms, or in email...
consists primarily of three letter acronyms (lol), smiley faces (:
and other abbreviations for emotions and other pesky human
actions.
- LOSS OF FREEDOM:
- A vice of the devil, with this wonderful world of immediate
communication (pagers, cellphones, etc.), you lose time for yourself
to be alone.
- LOVE-LOVE COMMUNICATION:
- Computer sex... when you connect one toy/product to another and
they make babies.
- MAYTAG
- (has nothing to do with Devil Shat but Morbus said it once, so
there): When someone sits on his ass and does nothing (eg. "it's
better than being maytag", "all Johnny does is maytag all day")
- MODEM POTATOES:
- Just like couch potatoes, you sit in front of your computer all
day doing stuff on the internet and often, after hours and hours of
doing stuff, you found you have done nothing at all.
- OPTIONAL KEY CHAIN ATTACHMENT:
- A glitzy addition that is supposed to be exciting, but really
becomes another meaningless and useless feature to an already
pointless product (ie. outside floor mats with stenciled
designs)
- POINTLESS:
- "You're just like a Lifesaver: pointless" (again, has nothing to
do with Devil Shat, but Morbus said it once).
- PULL A COBAIN or PULL A HEMINGWAY:
- Committing suicide by shooting yourself.
- SOME GUY NAMED ANDREW:
- His head hurts, brother of Johnny; (see "Johnny")
- STRESS MANAGEMENT:
- A nice politically correct term that allows you to go crazy in a
video game and kill your boss and your family and everyone you know
to relieve your real life fantasy/desire.
- SUICIDALLY FICKLE:
- It's late in life, you have no direction... you want to do this,
you want to do that, but you keep changing your mind. Now is not the
time for indecision; the older you get, the harder it is to be
something.
- TRADING LIGHTS AT VERVE PIPE CONCERTS:
- (see "pointless")
- UIN:
- Stands for "universal identification number" and is the system
used by ICQ where you are identified as only a number... your name
and info are second-best.
- WAGING WAR TO KEEP THE PEACE:
- (see "stupidity")
- WHAT DO TREES HAVE TO DO WITH CHRIST?:
- They had to cut something down to make that cross.
- WHEN I GROW UP:
- A metaphysical stage that kids talk about. They don't know when
they are going to reach it, just that they will do this or that
"when they grow up". Most of the time, they never grow up though,
and at age 16, are still saying the same damn thing.
- WHEN SATAN COMES TO KICK SOME ASS:
- When the Armageddon comes and the Royal Rumble (quote, unquote)
between Satan and Jesus begins.
And there you have it. If you
want to take a look at the full Devil Shat Dictionary, you can visit
http://www.disobey.com/devilshat/
and follow the links from there.
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i n t r o
g. nih ton saves you
by g. nih ton
I've had some concerns
lately about the quality of my work since coming to roost at Devil
Shat. Since others tend to agree, I can't be all that wrong; so let
me re-introduce a favorite of mine: the ongoing, ever-evolving
trilogy of universe saving. I started this a while back on a shitty
little zine that refuses to remain nameless and it was one of the
best series ever seen. So good that it was emulated by losers from
miles around. Revel folks, no one keeps you from devastation like I
do.
And with that, let me begin
the first of four articles dedicated to my self-righteous thought
process.
Let me start off with the
important question.
Why do I need to save the
world? There are two reasons. To tell you the truth, I don't
need to save anything, but the only way to get nothing accomplished
is by bitching over pointless shit that no one really gives a damn
about and then following it up by actively being passive. The other
reason is: I'm sick and tired of all these bullshit makeshift self
proclaimed custom made evangelists telling us what in the hell is
good for all of us. Why can't I do it? Why can't I dictate what is
better for us? Surely, skills as an overbearing parent can't be much
worse than, oh say, Joe Jackson.
Some of you may be question
my credentials here, but we're all fucking evangelists and
hypocrites and proud members in the Church of Self. You can't
bullshit me the other way on this. If you can bitch and moan about
what will make my world a better place, I'll tell you how to improve
yours. It's just that simple.
There are three ways to save
the world and lucky for you, I forgot all of them. Since this
trilogy is ever-evolving, it changes from day to night. What I can
tell you, though, is how I triumphed over evil last time. Not
necessarily in the following order, but the ways involved the
elimination of talk shows, PSAs, and advice columns.. If you ask
me, the last one would have been the most beneficial to mankind.
Unfortunately, nobody gave a damn.
I suppose that if I were to
list the ways in which I would save your ass, it would have
something to do with a lobotomy, prune juice, and MacGyver. However,
people change and so do I, so don't wait for these ways to come to
pass.
To recap, I'm loosening up,
saving the world, and giving you a reason to believe. Count the
ways to Hell and you'll see me every step of the way.
©1998 G. Nih Ton. All
rights reserved.
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