__ __ \ \ /_/i e w e r issue 18 vol. 2 Mar. 14/00 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266 \__| |/ v_d@iname.com | _ |/ archived at disobey.com |___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ In this issue: WELCOME QUOTABLE QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE WABBIT FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY KIMMAH INSULTING MORBUS DEFINITIONS BY AMY SHNIBBLE SHITE BY BRENDAN H. INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY - SUBMITTED BY ANGIE C. EDUCATION SHITE - SUBMITTED BY MICHAEL S. ETC :: WELCOME :: Welcome to the "World-Class Programmah, Partially-Formed Transformah" issue. Uh huh. What's this shite you ask (or don't but I'm gonna tell you anyways cause it's my freakin' zine)? One Michael S., aka Bellowing Rap Machine, sent us this URL of a site offering surfer their very own "Wu-Tang" name? If you don't know who Wu-Tang is or what I'm talking about you're a loser. Anyways, check out: http://www.recordstore.com/cgi-bin/wuname/wuname.pl and get your very own Wu-Tang name. After plunking Viewer Discretion into the boxes here's what we got: Viewer Discretion! your Wu-Name is: World-Class Programmah But even better was when I entered only v and d and got: v d! your Wu-Name is: Partially-Formed Transformah Use it wisely, soldier. Amen to that brother. A friend and I plugged in another *male* friend's name and the Wu-Name that came was "Lesbian Pimp". Really. But what's even stranger is that Wu-Name actually suits the guy to a tee... Thanks for the site Bellowing Rap Machine. VD is proud to unleash a new column for y'all - Shnibble Shite by Brendan H. Brendan sent VD a few items that I thought were pretty funny so I emailed him with the column offer to which he responded with: From: Brendan H Subject: Re: An offer I cannot refuse. Neil A forum from which I can unleash my particular brand of sex/drug/alcohol/self abuse upon anybody who can use a web browser (ie. any 3 year old)? Even I know that's wrong. (and since starting at my new job, the distinction between right and wrong has become about as lucid as a drunken hobo on a Saturday night.) Shame on you. cheers THE SHNIBBULAR ONE ps. Say the subject line in your best possible The Godfather voice (its still not funny that way, just slightly less pathetic.) So welcome aboard Brendan and we all look forward more such ramblings from you in this, and future issues. And speaking of contributors... Michael S. contributed the humourous Education Shite column this issue. If anyone else out there wants to submit items send them to v_d@iname.com and we'll make you famous. Sort of. Or infamous. Whatever. Regarding the "Results of Win a Date With Morbus Contest" piece last issue, Amy A. had this to type: Now, how am I supposed to get test subjects for my new Italian-Thai-Tex-Mex formal catering menu when they keep whining about their pathetic little lives and won't be able to close their mouths long enough to chew? There goes my cheap way to test the Northern market... You never offered us any food - you gave us cheap-assed Ben Folds Five poetry. If you offered food maybe we would have been a little more.... inviting, yeah that's it, inviting, but no, you offered pathetic word- drool and besides even if you did offer food, Italian-Thai-Tex-Mex is so last year...try Indian Curry Rhapsody (see below) - but we expect last year's news from Ben Folds Five fans. Amy also went on to spew forth (guess she chews with her mouth open as well): PS-- My guess is that you're all Brickies up there anyway and can't appreciate the finer things. :P Well, I could say don't stick your tongue out at me unless you plan on using it - but I won't I will say though that I had no idea what the hell a "brickie" was until Amy enlightened me. Check out Definitions By Amy to enlighten yourself. What a cheap-assed way a getting a new column into the issue eh? Regarding last issues comments about not letting A-P into Canada if the right wing types in the US erect a wall along the Can/US border Goatboy had this to say: Oh he's allowed in, but has to shave his nuts, eat poutine and speak French first. Yeah. That's the ticket. Where's my superman costume? A-P's using your superman costume to wipe the shaving cream off his nuts . So lets spray some Neet on these legs and see what falls off... :: QUOTABLE :: "His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free." -submitted by Michael S. "Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate. " -Americans for Purity http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/2680/ <-real life morons! "Parents have alerted us that small children can tear or bite off parts of the stress cow." -Gateway Computers "Before the Web existed, it was very hard to explain what the Web was." -Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web "Working here is okay, too bad I have fat-boy that comes once a week and nibbles on my nuts." -Goatboy "Don't be a job-slut" -Angie C. :: QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. :: Yes, once again, more quotes from the Quotemiester himself, Mr Miller. If you want to receive his quotes directly then send a note to: amiller@teleport.com and tell him VD sent ya. **Politics** "Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder." -George Washington (1732-1799) "Einstein's theory of relativity, as practised by Congressmen, simply means getting members of your family on the payroll." -James H. Boren "Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?" -Art Buchwald "I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll double cross that bridge when he comes to it.'" -Oscar Levant **Nosey** "My own business bores me to death. I prefer other people's." -Oscar Wilde **Children** "Children have more need of models than of critics." -Joseph Joubert (1754-18240 Pensees, no. 261 "The child is father of the man." -William Wordsworth (1770-1850) "Respect the child. Be not too much his parent. Trespass not on his solitude." -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) "A child tells in the street what its father and mother say at home." -The Talmud **Bricks that hang in the sky** "The [space] ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." -Douglas Adams **Television** "The first TV babies are now writing with a TV mind that has no attention span at all." -Gore Vidal "The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely." -T. S. Eliot (1888-1965) "Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done." -Ernie Kovacs "Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow." -Homer Simpson **Writing** "I'm a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain." -Ben Hecht :: FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE WABBIT :: VIENNA (Reuters) - Stark naked Austrians braved chilly temperatures Monday to take up a clothing chain's offer of $385 in free outfits if they entered the store in the nude. Kleider Bauer said it would reward the first five strippers of the week at each of its 40 department stores as long as they streaked from the street as far as the checkout counter. In a nation not averse to baring all in public, dozens of naked shoppers huddled outside the store on Vienna's main shopping street -- the Mariahilfer -- waiting for the doors to open. "I'm doing it for the sheer hell of it, not the money," a male stripper said. "People should be more open and not such prudes." Shoppers beaten out of the first five in the streak received a consolation prize of $35 and a towel to cover up. The promotion offer lasts until March 18. :: FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY KIMMAH :: SAVANNAH, GA.- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading minister warns. "While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book, "The Devil In The Machine." Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals. "Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit," the minister confirmed. The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counselling churchgoers. "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent happily married men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations." Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally." "One woman wept as she confessed to me, `I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.`" The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial-intelligence program fired up-- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocking me, `Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.`" Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook. "I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!" Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and uncovered alarming facts. "I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the tragedy at Colombine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that computer demons exerted an influence on them." The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some type of evil spirit. Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently. #This article leaves me with the burning question of just how much disk #space does an evil spirit occupy? Can you imagine taking your computer #in for servicing stating "demon residing on my hard drive as the #reason"? Though that might explain some of the Ben Folds Five #shite... -Ed. :: INSULTING MORBUS :: OK, here we go kiddies... Answering Morbus' invite to insult the living shite out him, VD's newest columnist Brendan H. leads off with these fine insults for Mr. Morbus... Although I don't know much about the socially retarded, arse-fungal-welt of a drooling imbecile I formally invite him to pick one of the following insults - 1) May your mothers' clitorus turn into a penis. 2) You are a load that should have been swallowed. 3) The best part of you dribbled down your mothers leg. 4)You are a waste of a teaspoonful of good protein. (Now that I think I've taken this one step too far, I think I'll go rock myself to sleep in some abandoned corner somewhere.) cheers, THE SHNIBBULAR ONE. Hmmm...shnibbular...that still cracks me up...But giving the guy a choice and having him pick his own insult, well, that seems strange dude. Kind of like a self-serve self-abuse salad-bar. Weird. I guess the biggest insult for Morbus would be that this was the only submission. Uh dude, I think you have fallen from grace. Looks like the readership wouldn't even cross the road to pee on you to put you out if you were on fire. Oh well. I'll still pee on you if you catch on fire. Goatboy probably would too. A-P would once you signed a waiver - a pee-waiver :: DEFINITIONS BY AMY :: Today's word to be defined by Amy is: Brickies A "Brickie" is somebody who has just has only heard "Brick" by Ben Folds Five (the only song that really received decent air time, but totally irrepresentative of the music of the group). ::SHNIBBLE SHITE BY BRENDAN H.:: I thought I'd clutter up your mailbox with a tale of workday blues. We ran out of urinal cakes today. Now the only pleasurable thing about my whole job (chasing urinal cakes around the urinals with a high pressure jet of urine) is gone until the janitors decide to replace them (about 3 weeks time). I'm depressed and bored. thanks for listening (or not). cheers SHNIBBLE :: INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY - SUBMITTED BY ANGIE C. :: Seeing as Amy A. brought up the subject of food I thought I would add this food related item from Angie. It's sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody... Indian Curry Rhapsody --------------------- Naan, just killed a man Pappadom against his head Had Lime Pickle Now He's Dead Naan, Dinner's Just Begun But Now I'm Gonna Crap it All Away Nann, ohhhh ohhhhhh Didn't mean to make you cry Seen Nothing Yet Just See the Loo Tomorrow Curry On, Curry On Cause Nothing Really Madras Too Late, My Dinner's Gone Sends Shivers Down my Spine Rectum Aching All the Time Goodbye Onion Bhaji, I've got to go Gotta Leave You All Behind And Use the Loo Nann, Ohhhhh Ohhhhh The Doopiaza is so Mild I Sometimes Wish We'd Never Come Here at All Guitar Solo I See a Little Chicken Tikka on the Side Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, Pass the Chutney Made of Mango Vindaloo Does Nicely Very Very Spicy Meat Byriani (Byriani) Byriani (Byriani) Byriani and a Nann (A Vindaloo loo loo loo) I've Eaten Balti, Somebody Help me He's Eaten Balti, Get Him to the Lavatory Stand you Well Back Cause the Loo is Quarantined... Here it Comes There it Goes Technicolour Yawn I Chunder NO! It's Coming up Again (There he Goes) I ChundIts Coming back Again (There he Goes) Coming Back Again (Up Again) Here it Goes Again (No, No, No, No, No, No NO) On my Knees I'm on my Knees On his Knees, Oh, There he Goes This Vindaloo It's About to Wreck my Guts Poor Me.... Poor Me..... Poor Meeee.... Guitar Solo So you Think you can Chunder and Feel Alright? So you try to eat Curry and Drink Beer all Night? Oh Maybe, But now you Puke Like a Baby Just had to Come out It Just had to Come Right out in Here :: EDUCATION SHITE - SUBMITTED BY MICHAEL S. :: Here's something a friend of mine sent me, apparently the winners of a "worst analogies in a high-school essay" contest: "He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it." "She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again." "McBride fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup." "From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy' comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30." "Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze." "Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre." "Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake." "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever." "He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree." "The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease." "Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like 'Second Tall Man.'" "Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph." "The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can." "They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth." "John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met." "The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play." "His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free." "The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon." :: ETC :: If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section you'd like to write or if you just hate Morbus and want to send in cheap ass stolen poetry, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com. Music that inspired this issue: Frank Zappa - Overnite Sensation Run Lola Run - Soundtrack Download - Charlie's Family Dead Voices On Air - How Hollow Hart This issue is late cause I was at the garage all morning spending $700.00 on my freakin' car. Add that to the $95.00 speeding ticket I got last week... Next issue March 28/00 __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ Morbus made me put this here - he threatened me with friendship. Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah. Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __