__ __ \ \ /_/i e w e r issue 7 vol. 2 Oct. 26/99 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266 \__| |/ v_d@iname.com | _ |/ archived at disobey.com |___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/ __ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __ __ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ______________ _ __________________ _ _____________________ __ T h e r e a r e 6 6 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . . In this issue: WELCOME QUOTABLE RELATIVITY IS NOT RELATIVISM BY PAUL LAURENDEAU QUOTABLE ANDY NEW CD FROM INSTAGON... KONA!! - SUBMITTED BY LOB ALIENS ARE REAL - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST UNCARVED - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST IRONY'S A BITCH WHEN IT'S A HUGE ASSED CLIFF ETC :: WELCOME :: Welcome to "Angie C's/Tweek's underpants gnomes" issue. Uh huh. It's true. Why? I have no idea. Let's ask Angie, hey wouldn't that make a great advice column? LETS ASK ANGIE - it's got a ring to it doesn't it? C'mon Angie wanna be VD's version of Ann Landers? Anyways, Angie had this to say about last issue: I have ARRIVED man, my quote opened VD! (usually it's the other way around) thanks for the entertaining tidbits. Uh, she's talking about last issue right? And this issue too I guess. Wow, maybe she's like psychic or something? Maybe it had something to do with Tweek's underpants gnomes....? I don't know. LETS ASK ANGIE, who also had this to say about the webcam link I put in last issue: my GAWD there are actually people in the computer lab this means you have created a functional environment for them. they shd come to MY office. Where they'll find underpants gnomes hard at work. We're thinking of an underpants-cam for next issue. Any volunteers? And speaking of underpants, Angie also submitted "A brilliant quote by Amy of (Matt Groenig's) Futurama" about that most dreaded of social interactions - dating. Skip on down to the Quotable section to read the quote. Of course Angie sent it to me in a .wav file so I could hear it...but you can't. Too bad because Tweek's underpants gnomes were singing in the background. It was kinda creepy. Kinda like dating. If any one else wants a copy of the .wav file, LETS ASK ANGIE for it. But I guess that much like Tweek's underpants gnome's, Angie C. really has arrived now - with two issues of VD emanating from her quotes in a month where underpants really seem to be a VD theme... Is it VD or is it Angie? LETS ASK ANGIE and find out... So if you have any questions about anything, especially sex or dating, send them to v_d@iname.com and I'll forward them to Angie and hopefully she'll have a whole host of answers for her adoring public... In completely unrelated news... My 8 year old daughter just got her orange belt in Karate last weekend. And mom and dad paid for another wack of lessons that should end with her getting her black belt by the time she is 12 - long before she starts dating . Way to go and good luck in the future kid, I love ya... (no she doesn't read VD but it's the thought that counts). And it's just days now until Morbus unveils The Horror Section for the world of horror lovers to gasp over... http://www.disobey.com/horror/ And in this VD World News exclusive - Anti-Press has received "an inquiry from the Pope who wants to be a regular contributor to APE" (Anti-Press Ezine). Uh huh, you heard it here first. Nothing like using quotes out of context to prove a non-existent point. And speaking of Mr. "Phlematic", A-P, he had this to say about me in another note: "We think he ate too much beaver on Canadian Thanksgiving Day." Well, if we're going to start eating national symbols, I would much rather eat beaver than bald eagle . Silly Amerkians... Hmmm...no bitching and whining from AFeXT this issue...we must be failing somewhere... And in the tradition of poetry that started last issue, here's an unintentional little bit prose from Mr. Goatboy: Fuck me. I am sorry. I am so behind life. Kinda brings tears to one's eyes doesn't it? sniff sniff.... (Tweek's underpants gnomes appear courtesy of South Park) Enjoy the issue... :: QUOTABLE :: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig but then later on you realize he actually has a really good body. -Amy from Futurama (submitted by Angie C.) :: RELATIVITY IS NOT RELATIVISM BY PAUL LAURENDEAU:: In the last issue's Quotable section the following quote appeared attributed to Albert Einstein: "When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours that's relativity." Paul L. took exception to it and submitted the following: Mister editor, I do not question the percussive beauty of that example, but its accuracy. I am certain Einstein never said that, because that is not relativity. That is RELATIVISM i.e. a simple fluctuation of the subjective impression one have of the length or shortness of time. Please note that that impression is actually falsified by the stability of the durations mentioned in the aphorism: two hours/two minutes, flush and stable both times. Einstein argued for the OBJECTIVE relativity of the physical reality of existence, not for subjective relativism of empirical impressions, as exemplified here. That quotable quote, Mister Editor, hurts me in my moral... Consequently, I submit here to you three short quotable aphorisms: 1- You take her in your arms to enter the house after a cosmic wedding ceremony. On the moon she is so light that you feel like flying. On Jupiter, she is so heavy that you crumble, and loose all masculine composure. What can you do, her weight is not an absolute reality, but necessarily OBJECTIVELY CORRELATED to the planet she is on. Yours too. 2- Escaping from all, you kiss her for the first time in the airport, and for the second time in the plane flying at 1000 km/hour. Scoundrel as you are, you time these kisses. 3 minutes flush both times. Well actually, the kiss was some nano seconds shorter in the plane, because the duration of the movements of your tongues, of your whispers, of the shivers on your lips, even of the movement of the needles of the watch you slyly stare at, are all CORRELATED to the speed of the plane. She does not notice that fluctuation of time due to speed, neither do you, but it is a fact. 3- Both of you are making love at the place which turns her on the most: on the top of a locomotive rolling high speed in a night with no moon. She wants to know if she will have the time to reach orgasm before the next station, so she orders you to look if you can see that station. Unable to disobey your mistress, you pull a flashlight out of your (down) pants and turn it on in the direction of where the locomotive is rolling. Both of you come at that exact moment, so you will have to take my word on this: the speed of the light of your flashlight is not an addition of the Speed of Light plus the one of the train, as if, say, her kink at the moment would have been that you shoot a bullet with a gun (where: speed of the bullet on the train = speed of the train + speed of the bullet on land. Got it? Never mind. Just continue shooting yourself, Jock... At least she knows what I am talking about!). The speed of light remains exactly the same if you are on a rolling train or motionless. It is the only NON-CORRELATED phenomenon known in Einsteinian physics. Pretty orgiastic, hey... These three aphorisms Mister Editor, are definitely not from Einstein, but at least they are real manifestation of his doctrine of relativity. An admirer of VD. -Damn Paul. Now you've gone and turned VD into a quasi-academic rag -instead of the piece of shite toss off it's supposed to be. I've -worked real hard at keeping this thing at a Jerry Springerish level -and now, despite my ultra low standards, you've turned it into a -philosophical rag. Thanks a bunch there Einstein (-Ed.) :: QUOTABLE ANDY :: Yes, once again, more quotes from the Quotemiester himself, Mr Miller. If you want to receive his quotes directly then send a note to: amiller@teleport.com and tell him VD sent ya. Oops, no quotes from Andy this week. Next week maybe... :: NEW CD FROM INSTAGON... KONA!! - SUBMITTED BY LOB :: Thee Instagon Foundation and SheepHole Recordings are very happy to inform you ov thee arrival ov a new CD from TEMPLE OV PSYCHICK YOUTH based demonic audio wizards.. INSTAGON.. KONA is a LIVE CD recorded in July of 1999 in Costa Mesa, CA at Kona Lanes. This CD features the entire show.. which consisted of a soundcheck and 2 sets of improvisational audio magick in thee Instagonian style.. players on this CD include members of MINDROT, SHIVA, THE CLAMS, THE ACTION LEAGUE, NBT, SECTIONS OV DINGO, and of course LOB.. songs on this disc include "Forward", "My Little Red Planet", "Space Walk", and covers of "Electric Funeral"(Black Sabbath), "Bela Lagosi's Dead"(bauhaus), and other surprizes.. people who have heard this disc have made comparisons in the sound to JOY DIVISION meets CAN.. you can decide for yourself.. this disc is being produced by SHEEP HOLE RECORDINGS in Fullerton, CA on a CD-R format.. in a package designed, and with layout, by Lob.. cost for this disc is $14.00 w/ US Priority postage included.. (outside the USA should ask first for correct pricing..) please send well hidden money, or checks payable to: "Cary Pealer" send orders to: SheepHole Recordings 1105 W. Elm Ave. Fullerton, CA 92833-4123 usa send Email inquiries to: "Cary L. Pealer" have a great day.. LOB -/\- instagon@netcom.com director,Thee Instagon Foundation www.tif.org/tif editor, CAUTION online zine www.tif.org/caution worldnetnode ov A.I.N., Access Point T.O.P.Y.instagon THEE INSTAGON FOUNDATION pob 894 Huntington Bch,CA 92648-0894 usa Mystic Master ov Space & Time http://www.tif.org/lob ...feel thee power ov thee gods.. create something... -As someone who has several Instagon recordings I can highly, highly -recommend Instagon as a musical adventure that doesn't disappoint. -Hell I even sent off my note to Cary inquiring as to the costs -involved in shipping a copy of KONA to Canada...(-Ed) :: ALIENS ARE REAL - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST :: This is a notice for you creative types. Lob of the previously mentioned Instagon fame send it out on his list and now I'm forwarding to y'all. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 24 Oct 1999 21:39:20 -0700 From: opus23 bigdaddy To: lob ster Subject: AARPRESS ON-LINE Aliens ARE REAL goes live nov 1st, and I am looking for some more content. Poetry, short stories, ART OR PHOTOS!!!!, ect. Please send it all ta aarpress@hotmail.com :: UNCARVED - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST :: Here's another item of interest from Lob & co. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 12:21:15 +0100 From: John Eden To: eden@uncarved.demon.co.uk Subject: Uncarved Sorry for the impersonal email... though you should be used to that now... I've just been buggering about with my web site again and I thought you might be interested to know what's new. Now added: 1) Details of what I'm up to from November-February 2) Reviews and contacts to keep you going while I'm away 3) Some old reviews that were going to appear in Turbulent Times issue 8 Check it out http://www.uncarved.demon.co.uk John Eden :: IRONY'S A BITCH WHEN IT'S A HUGE ASSED CLIFF :: I heard a report last week on the local news station about this 60 year old woman doing an illegal sky dive off of some high cliff in Yosemite National Park. Her shute didn't open and she pancaked. Why was she skydiving from a cliff you ask? Well, it seems she was protesting the fact that sky diving from that particular cliff is illeagal because the authorities deem it unsafe. Bwa haha hahhahaha truth really is stranger than fiction - and a lot funnier too. It's great to have other people's misfortunes to laugh at . :: ETC :: You can catch VD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want VD delivered to your mailbox, send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com Conversely, if you don't want VD, figure it out (it has something to do with empty mail and v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com - duh). If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com or don't. Next issue November 9/99 __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"... Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah. Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __