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\ \  /_/i e w e r                        issue 15 vol. 1 february 16/99
 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n                                ISSN 1481-2266
  \__| |/                                                 v_d@iname.com
   | _ |/                                       archived at disobey.com
   |___|/                                  http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:

       WELCOME
       QUOTABLE
       HORROR - BY MORBUS
       NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY
       WORLD PHONE IN SICK DAY
       THE BALLAD OF THE Y2K - SUBMITTED BY PAUL LAURENDEAU
       ETC


:: WELCOME ::
Buggering wombats Batman, it's the "flogging a dead horse" issue. Uh
huh. Whatever. See, first we're accused of being "a vulgar teen thing"
(to which we say "yeah? What's yer point??"), and then we're accused of
being too "editorial" (to which we say "yeah? What's yer point??").
Actually we said fuck. Just like that. Not aggressively. Not anything.
Just fuck. Sigh. I mean what can we really say? Anal leakage? Kiff our
collected asses? Fuck us gently with a chainsaw? Of course we don't
mean any of this aggressively...imagine us smiling as we sharpen our
collective axes... So this week, just to liven things up a bit we'll
try to be more William S. Burroughs. See he's dead. It's a joke, hahaha
haha. Not.

Kompletely Incapacitating Ferocious Farts.

Enough already. Goatboy had this to type after reading Goatspeak in the
last issue:

         "I am still stunned by some of those, I must admit.
          I never really realized how weird I write."

Well, I'm glad VD could be a source of enlightenment for you. You are
weird, but in a good way. Even if you do like hamsters <g>. I was
thinking about doing a part II but it would be using even older quotes
from Goatboy so I guess that would make it a prequel or a part 0.5 or
something. Maybe we'll title it "doin' the Nasty..."

And speaking of things Nasty...we *have* to keep tying VD into Goatboy,
and by extension his zine Capital of Nasty, because, well because we at
VD are a bastion of non-thinking, unoriginal, wombat buggering artistic
thieves (and maybe even atheists to boot) and we have to ride on the
backs of, and imitate established zines like Goatboy's Capital of
Nasty. Sad but true. Uh huh. You heard it here first. Go read CoN and
you'll see how VD is damn near identical to it.

Remember last issue when I said I wouldn't mention any more of the
flame war shit? I lied. K.I.F.F., keep it K.I.F.F. bwahahahahahahaha.
Sorry inside personal joke to Goatboy and a few others - if you want to
be let in on the joke send $5.00 Australian funds to: 

Kornholes In-Fucking-Flamed (K.I.F.F.)
69 Hershey Highway
Outback, Australia
6969696

ReAlLy dUdeZzzZZzZZzz.

Whoa, do I feel relived. Kinda like taking a teXt-lax...

This issue is part of VD's new Kewl Initiatives Free Form speak easies.
What the hell does that mean you ask? We don't know yet but whenever we
figure it out we'll let you know. But in the mean time our crack 
wombattalion of commando-gheishabunny-attornies (no Morbus is not one
of them) have given us a bit of legal disclaimer to pass onto you:

Viewer Discretion (hereto and forthwith referred to as VD) regrets to
inform you (oh much abused -Ed.) loyal readers that we are currently
experimenting here, and are not giving any guarantee on any aspects
just yet (including permanency and quality), and therefore and hereto,
we cannot offer any refunds on unused portions. We will offer credit on
future publications providing the unused portion of VD is returned in
it's original packaging within 7 business days of receipt. Amen.

As if...a guarantee on a zine??? Please...

Of course all of the preceding comments are just comments and not to be 
taken the wrong way... Now, where the hell is that wombat?

Juvenile? Yes. Intentionally? Hell yes. And that's the difference.

In other news... I heard on the news this week that UK bookies are
taking bets, at 1000 to 1 odds, that the world will end on January 1,
2000. Seems like a sucker's bet to me...duh...

Enough of my Yapping <-another inside joke, see above to get in the know,
let's get on with the issue...


:: QUOTABLE ::
"The idea behind xxxx is that a group of writers bring to you, the
consuming public, an individual article (usually journalistic based)
every Friday fortnight."
-Department of Redundancy Department 

"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending
over."
-Frank Zappa

"...Eve, who begs him, in the throes of passion, to bite her nipple; he
obliges a little to zealously, chomping it off and spitting the gory
morsel into the bathroom sink. The only solution, of course, is...to
improvise a Frankensteinian transplant, replacing Eve's severed nipple
with his dog's hastily amputated penis. (He discreetly saves the nipple in
a jar of preservative - for future use, no doubt, as a fetish object in
another basement tryst.)"
-Mark Dery, 'The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium' referring to Renee French's
comic 'Grit Bath'.


:: HORROR - BY MORBUS ::
SCALPEL

"A Psychological Thriller with a Cutting Edge of Terror". HEY! DO YOU
GET IT, LADIES AND GENT? The movie's name is SCALPEL, and it's the
"cutting edge of ter.." - oh shit, I can't take it any more...

I found SCALPEL in some pawn shop for five bucks ("buy five, get one
free"... you know, of course, what happened), and it seemed good enough
for Playboy to review it ("A fiendishly clever thriller") and "A
Hitchcock surprise ending" (Cinefantastique).

Whatever the case, this ain't your typical horror movie - hell, I don't
even think it qualifies for a horror movie (about as close as THE
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS would qualify). There are certain magical qualities
which lend to the name however: the back of the box cover has reversed
still images, as well as those not even IN the movie; there's the
requisite shot of blood as we see a skin graft slloowwwly taking place;
there's the... whoop, dammit, ran out of examples.

SCALPEL is interesting, if not a little boring. Don't get me wrong, I
wholeheartedly enjoyed this movie, but if you're in a horror movie mode
(as the box cover suggests), SCALPEL won't satisfy.

However, if you're into a movie where one guy reconstructs his
daughter's beauty onto the mutilated face of a beaten dancer so that he
can collect on the five million dollar inheritance from her dead
grandfather (since the real daughter ran away after watching her daddy
drown her boyfriend for "raping her") or (deep breath) a movie where we
see a convoluted conspiracy collapse chaotically ("that's an awesome
amount of alliteration, Batman!"), and to see it all done WELL, than
rent SCALPEL.

If you're looking for gore worse than a skin graft, horrible acting, or
just something to laugh over for it's patheticness, than SCALPEL isn't
for you (although you might want to try SHRIEKER).


:: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY ::
Life is a fucking ride.

So a gentle reader was kind enough to inform me that my articles are
juvenile and contain material that everyone else has.  I mean, we read
articles about "chicks going to the washroom" all the time, don't we?
Just the other day for example I opened the paper and what do you know?
An article on chicks that go to the washroom.

I was stunned.

Criticism, such as it is, is useful to allow one to grow and improve.
Heck, had it not been for the support and comments I received from
people reading my own zine, it would never have improved as fast as it
has.

However, what gets to me, is people that provide feedback that is a)
useless due to the fact that beside insults, it contains little else
and b) they are as constructive as criticism goes as a gnat's testicle
hair.

Therefore I can't help it to flip my nutsuck in a frenzy of dickplay.

Okay, I can understand that VD doesn't trip everyone's monkey, but for
those that are subscribed and that have the minimal amounts of brain
power, I'm sure they understood the disclaimer and all, and the intro,
which goes to say that VD is nothing more than a clearing house.
Basically any left-overs we have around or material which we created
but that cannot be used in our current creations, gets dumped here.
Criticizing us for having stuff like this is just the same as
complaining you smashed your face against the door because you can't
read that it says "Pull".

But in the assumption that the lad in question had some valid points, I
took the freedom to examine their zine.  I mean, if in his eyes, we're
shit, they must be good.

I was expecting my socks to be blow off my feet.

Instead I was greeted with utter immaturity by C00l d00ds who can
hardly spell their own name.  And with .. ahem .. "articles" that
would've made that lobotomy look quite like an appealing alternative

I digress.

I love criticism.  But useful criticism.  And I'd love to hear comments
from people on this list with what they have in mind with VD.  You can
send your evil rant here: leandro@capnasty.org

And if you really hate the stuff that appears on VD, the instructions
are written at the end of each issue.  Pretty fucking clearly too.


:: WORLD PHONE IS SICK DAY ::
PLEASE CIRCULATE THIS MESSAGE

The 3rd World Phone in Sick Day takes place on 6 April 1999 and you are
invited to take part. All you have to do is not turn up for work. You
can think up something original or just have the flu. Just PHONE IN
SICK. If you have a great excuse then why not email and tell us.
decadent@underbelly.demon.co.uk

http://www.underbelly.demon.co.uk/decadent/docs/sickcont.htm

We would also like pledges of illness - tell us your job and your
company, you don't have to give your real name and we won't tell your
boss.

If you are a celebrity then why not pledge your support to us or to the
media. email us or see details at
http://www.underbelly.demon.co.uk/decadent/docs/sickstar.htm

Decadent Action are the organisers of World Phone in Sick Day - the
annual holiday for idlers, slackers, anarchists and workers of the
world.

You can find out all about us at
http://www.underbelly.demon.co.uk/decadent/

You can sign up for more of our messages (about one a month) by sending
an email to decadent@underbelly.demon.co.uk with the subject header
"subscribe" (minus the quotes).


:: THE BALLAD OF THE Y2K - SUBMITTED BY PAUL LAURENDEAU ::
(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away."

But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.

[[ key change, the big finish coming]]

There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.


:: ETC ::
You can catch VD in many various ways but you can only get simulated
Capital of Nasty VD delivered to your mailbox by sending an empty email
to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com

Conversely, if you don't want a carbon copy of Capital of Nasty, send
an empty email to v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com
Pretty simple huh? No need to get your wombat in a bugger hold. 

If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or don't.
  
Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth - 
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
because Morbus harbours a secret desire to take over the wombat farming
world as well...

Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com
Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org
Paul Laurendeau appears courtesy of Paul Laurendeau

This issue was tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Next issue March 2/99


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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
 
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Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
  
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          ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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