__ __ \ \ /_/i e w e r issue 12 vol. 1 january 5/98 \ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266 \__| |/ v_d@iname.com | _ |/ archived at disobey.com |___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/ __ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __ __ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ______________ _ __________________ _ _____________________ __ In this issue: WELCOME QUOTABLE HORROR - BY MORBUS NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY TRIVIA$HITE BOOKSHITE ETC :: WELCOME :: Welcome to the first issue of last year of your life. See, between Y2K and the apocalypse we're all gonna die this year. Either the world's going to blow up real good or foul up even better, and we'll have mass chaos, baby eating, father raping, Alice's Restaurant (you probably have to be over 30 to understand that reference) religious nuclear type carnage in our hamlets and villages, towns and cities, suburbs and yes, even in, *especially* in our malls. So go on out and get yer kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames. And with that decidedly upbeat intro I will now step aside and let the rest of this issue vomit itself into your retinas. Don't get any on ya. Oh yeah, two more things. 1)Anti-Press #4 is now available. Well worth the read. Go get it before they get you. Subscribe to it at Antipress1@aol.com or check it out online at http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/anti-press.htm and 2)Thanks to those of you who took the time out to write and send in some great interpretations/dissections of my weird assed dream I wrote about. 'nuff said. :: QUOTABLE :: "And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him?" -Revelation XIII .4 "is it being a malcontent to reveal a government report that totally contradicts what the government is saying, or is that being a hero?" -Peter De Jager Y2K Expert :: HORROR - BY MORBUS :: Corridors of Blood by Morbus Lemme tell ya something. Say you're peacefully answering your email when all of a sudden, you get an email from some cocky editor saying he needs a review by 10:00, which is only an hour away. And hey, your girlfriend is coming home and you want to be with her. So what do you do? You review CORRIDORS OF BLOOD, a movie which will send any readers that this editor has, to the "Unsubscribe" button. Any editor who publishes a review of this movie has to be fucking desperate. And anyone who has to see CORRIDORS OF BLOOD is either a) _really_ freakin' desperate, b) has to get back at an annoying editor, c) wants to die or d) didn't have enough money to pick up sleeping pills. Nope, not even Boris Karloff's money making name can bring this movie any sort of happiness. Oh sure, this movie may have HAD a good idea: a man's dream to separate the "knife from the pain". Yes, it's years before anaesthesia was invented, and sadness sweeps our hero as he sees pain spread across his patients face. And sure, the movie follows the doctor as he turns desperate... and begins signing fake death certificates. Why? Because he has this horrible deal with a shady taverne owner to steal the chemicals in exchange for dead bodies (which are sold off to the very hospital that the doctor has been suspended from for his "crazy experiments"). And not only is this doctor trying to remove pain from the knife, but he's also using it as a great excuse to cover his own addiction (oh yeah, he's testing it on himself too). But goddamn, this movie is slow, boring, and welp, just about everything you would not want to see unless you have a large amount of patience. And it's only 87 minutes long. Damn. A loooonnng 87 minutes. :: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES :: Rough day at no frills My wounds are still hurting from today. It was a rough day at work, especially considering we were selling 24 rolls of toilet paper for $1.99, and the store was packed. Even worse, there were just two grocery clerks in total, one of them being me, and the other being Rob. The store was crowded to the point that moving around in front of the cash meant getting stuck between too many customers, and for sure someone would've stopped us to ask some dumb question (i.e. "Do you work here?") I found myself helping this blind customer, when suddenly I heard a scream at the front of the store. Rob and myself dashed to where the sound was coming from and we saw a commando from the IGA supermarket that had taken control of the cash section. One of the enemy clerks was holding a gun against the head of a cashier on cash 6, standing there crying while the IGA clerk was yelling his demands. The customers were all frozen in fear, and being moved to the side by another two members of the IGA militia. With our red no frills shirt we stood out in the crowd, and two of the IGA clerks began firing their weapons at us. Rob and I managed a daring escape in the produce backroom using customers as shields. Covered in blood, we managed to resist by throwing rotten tomatoes at the invading forces. We were outnumbered! 2 clerks versus the 5 that had taken control of the store. "What are we going to do Rob?" I asked, in panic. "Quick," he yelled, "set your case-cutters from stun, to kill!" We pulled out our knifes and extended the blade to their maximum length. "They might overload!" I pointed out. "Yes," answered calmly Rob, "but we can't let them take over the store and put prices higher!" He had a point there. "But there are five of them! We are outnumbered!" I cried. "What's wrong with you, clerk?" Rob screamed, "did you think that joining the no frillian academy was a piece of cake?" I was about to reply when a voice boomed on the store's PA.: "no frills clerks! Surrender now and you will not be harmed! You are outnumbered and we control most of the store!" "Never!" screamed back Rob over the PA, then he looked at me, "Today Leo, it's a Goudas day to die." We quickly grabbed a few of the remaining tomatoes, the produce knife and with our case-cutters in hand we dashed outside. The first two IGA clerks were not expecting us to come out from the produce and attack them. With a swift throw, we neutralised them with the bacteriological life forms that were growing on the tomatoes' surface. I never thought I'd use one of no frill's secret weapons, and for a minute I was amazed at their destructive power as the IGA clerks' heads exploded. The other two IGA clerks seeing us began firing. We crawled beside the shelving, feeling the dried peas and beans hitting the cans of Goudas products all around us. "Let's split!" ordered Rob, "You go through the creamery support room, while I'll cut by the bread section. They will not expect something like this." "You can count on me!" I yelled, and dashed for the creamery. Unfortunately, the IGA clerks had the same idea, and without me realizing it, I was attacked from behind by one of them. I fired my case-cutter at him, but unfortunately my blade was dull and caused minimal damage. Lucky for me he was out of dried beans, and as he tossed his pea-gun aside, he jumped me, pounding his fist against my head. I was nailed on the floor trying to get his hands off my neck. "That's it" I thought "this is the end" when my hand felt a tub of sour cream. I opened it and with all the force I had left, I pushed it against the IGA clerk's face. He quickly let go of my neck and he started holding his face screaming, but it was too late. The sour cream had expired in '96, thus increasing it's devastating effect. The clerk kept on screaming until his jaw fell off. After that he fell to the ground, dead, the sour cream having burnt his brain. In pain, but still determined to free the store from the enemy, I grabbed an half eaten apple that had been sitting on top of the shelf for quite sometime. It was soft and mouldy. The perfect weapon! I dashed to the front, avoiding the bodies of the fallen customers, when I saw the last IGA clerk still holding the gun at cashier number 6 and telling us to surrender or she would've been beaned. Rob seeing me smiled and yelled back from behind a counter "your clerks are all dead! Surrender now or you will die an horrible death in the meat room!" "Never!" yelled the IGA clerk. Rob stood up and with an elegant movement of his arm, launched the produce knife. The IGA clerk's eyes widened in surprised when the knife sank deeply in the cashier. He watched her silently drop to the floor. Oh well, cashier number six had never been good anyway. With a banzai scream, I launched my rotten apple, which disintegrated itself against his head. He looked at me in surprise before the fumes knocked him out. We grabbed him, and tied him in the meat backroom for our interrogation purposes. Once again we had saved the store from the cheap attempts of our adversaries to take over our sector. Captured by an incredible happiness Rob and I began dancing on top of the Pasta aisle, singing the no frill's anthem of victory. :: TRIVIA$HITE :: I found this in a local Toronto computer rag. They probably copped it from somewhere else so I'm copping it from them. Below are the estimated costs of several key events in our sad history. EVENT EST. COST (in US$ billions) World War II $4,200 Millennium Bug $600 Vietnam $500 Kobe Earthquake $100 Los Angeles Earthquake $60 So that means someone is making $600 billion in US funds from solving Y2K problems...grab your piece of the pie before it's gone. Actually, on a side note, I heard on the radio that some UK companies are offering their programmers 1 year's salary to baby-sit their networks on the night of the big change over. 1 YEAR'S SALARY!! Madness I tell ya.... Hmmm, I'm from British heritage....I can get a work permit in the UK... :: BOOKSHITE :: Clive Barker's A to Z Of Horror (with Stephen Jones). This book is a horror lover's must have. Broken into 26 chapters (a thru z) it deals with a different aspect of the genre in each chapter. Full of great bits of information, movie reviews, commentary, movies listings, behind the scenes info and of course, pictures, lot's of pictures. Put together and written in a manner that obviously shows how Mr.'s Barker and Jones love the genre. An added bonus to the book is that there are lot's of Clive's sketches throughout it. :: ETC :: You can catch VD in many various way but you can only get this dose delivered to your mailbox by sending an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com Conversely, if you've had your dose and don't want no more, send an empty email to v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com Pretty simple huh? If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com or get your own damn zine. Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth - http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm because Morbus can make his head explode at will...but he can only do it once. C'mon, explode for us Morbus, explode... Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org Hairy Fishnuts for Pear Pimples <- anyone (besides Angie) know where that comes from? This issue is Y2K compliant. Burp. Next issue January 19/99 __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"... Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah. Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. __ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __ __ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __ __ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __