<=============================> < > < ANTI-PRESS EZINE #49 > < > <=============================> "We're Positive About The Negative" This E-dition filed 12/17/04 from NENYland (pronounced nee-nee-land), the northeastern corner of New York State (i.e. the hinterlands). Our Precision Reality Center, located in Plattsburgh The Dull, now features Bull Tracker 9000. More details at the end of this e-dition. (C) Copyright 2004 Anti-Press = = = = = * Got A Shortwave Radio? Turn Around! * You own a shortwave radio that can pick up uncensored broadcasts from other countries around the world? You do? Well, that's the PITs. You must be a terrorist. That's according to the USPS. No, that's not the United States Postal Service. We're referring to the other federal bureaucracy, the United States Police State. Apparently the Fatherland is threatened if you listen to the BBC, CBC, or Radio Outer Mongolia. Recently a law-abiding American -- we'll call him Mr. A. Citizen -- crossed the border at a jerkwater location in New York State to visit some friends in Canada. Mr. Citizen wanted to show them his shortwave radio, a hobby he enjoys in his spare time. The Canadian officer had no problem letting him cross into Quebec. A few questions and he was on his way. Unfortunately a few hours later, on his return home, Citizen ended up feeling very uncomfortable. The traveler pulled up to the U.S. checkpoint, expecting another once-over. A. Citizen had nothing to hide; he was cooperative. The agent just did his job; his demeanor was neither rude nor friendly. Everything seemed to be OK until the agent, using his flashlight to check out the car's interior, noticed the portable shortwave radio on the front seat. He asked: "What do you use that for?" "I just listen to stations around the world," was Mr. Citizen's reply. The agent asked to see the radio. He looked at it and then went into his booth to call someone. Citizen was wondering what was wrong. After all, his radio couldn't transmit; it was only built to receive signals. Citizen was a little annoyed but kept his cool. After a while he was allowed to proceed with his radio. Driving along, he noticed a car speeding up behind him. Suddenly the car slowed down as if its driver spotted Citizen's vehicle and didn't want to pass him. The other car seemed to be tailing Citizen. When both cars passed under a streetlight, Citizen noticed that it was a New York State Police patrol car. He felt uneasy, making sure to obey all traffic laws while the trooper was behind him. At one point the road widened and Citizen moved into the right lane, leaving the left lane open for the trooper to pass. But the trooper stayed behind him, apparently following him most of the way home. Was it a coincidence? Was there any connection between the state police car and the questioning at the border? Who knows? Either way Citizen was perturbed, especially when he had done nothing wrong. Still feeling perturbed the next day, Citizen called the regional office for INS (the Immigration and Naturalization Service), one of the federal agencies that handle local BS (border security, that is). Citizen explained what had happened to him. The official on the other end said that all border agents had greater powers since 9/11. This meant that one option opened to the agent was confiscating the radio. Another was turning Citizen away, making him stay in Canada. In that scenario he would have to find a place to rest for the night, then travel to the U.S. consulate in Montreal go through all sorts of red tape to get back home to the Land of the "Free." Mr. A. Citizen asked why there seemed to be a problem with his shortwave radio. The INS official explained that such radios were on a list of potential instruments of terror. Knowing the feds and how they love acronyms, they probably refer to this as the PITs list. Remember a while back when the FBI sent out a statement to all law enforcement agencies to be aware of anyone who was traveling with an almanac? Apparently a travel almanac is a PIT because a terrorist could use it to plan his attack, locating key sites. In fact, any local directory could be used to spread fear. Why, a fiend could find out where Bernie's Fun Club was located and plant anthrax on the girls' tassels! When those booby-trapped boobs twirl around in a customer's face with their anthrax-laden tassels... Meanwhile, the mad idiots in the White House vainly press on with Viet Nam II, their insane war in Iraq creating more real terrorists with each passing day. And here at home A. Citizen becomes a suspect, just because he listens to a certain type of radio. * Yo, Cos! Start A Cause! * Is comedian/actor Bill Cosby still grumpy? He was on the warpath a while ago, upset with today's black youth, dissed by their bad clothes, bad language, and bad music. Those dang whippersnappers! He's annoyed that most of these kids dress so sloppily and can't speak proper English. How can they participate in the American capitalistic system? After all, he worked hard and attained wealth and fame, so why can't these kids follow his example? Yes, you have to give Cosby credit for making his way up from the bottom. But it can be argued that when he was a young black man, he had some luck along the way. Not everyone ends up befriended by a well-connected white guy like Sheldon Leonard, the producer of the 1960s TV series "I-Spy." Leonard was like a father to Cosby, giving the young performer a big break by casting him as co-star of the hit show. Nothing wrong with that -- but not every ghetto kid gets the chance to be helped along by somebody like Leonard. Cosby should do more than just bitch; he should start an organization to help wayward black youth. He should create the Sheldon Leonard Foundation where top businessmen suffering from white guilt would sponsor disadvantaged kids, giving them the connections needed to get ahead. Then again, the problem remains that there's only so much room at the top; not everyone, even if qualified, can win a limited slot. There's only so many openings with TV shows, movies, comedy clubs, whatever, in the extremely competitive entertainment market. Or didn't you notice that, Cos? Then again, great success can distort your sense of reality. * THE ROUNDUP: Post-Election, Pre-Apocalypse Items of Interest * By Stan Spire So what's with all the cabinet members leaving Prez Shrub, not bothering to spend a second term with the Flight Suit? Did the White House hit an iceberg and they don't want to hang around re-arranging the deck furniture? The usual explanation by a resignee is that he wants to spend more time with his family. Yup, better get that quality time in before Gabriel blows his horn. - - - And the re-election of Shrub really upsets all the metrosexuals. They don't know what to wear to the battle of Armageddon. - - - Despite what Prez Shrub has said -- read his lips, there won't be a draft -- one wonders how long the so-called "stop loss" policy will keep the numbers up with our military. If the Selective Service is fully activated, then it should be selective in that only those who voted for the Prez's re-election will be sent to fight in Iraq. After all, if you voted for Shrub, his war is your war. - - - And if you're sent to Iraq, don't bitch about how your vehicle isn't properly armored against the insurgents' bombs. One soldier -- a true American -- confronted Defense Secretary Donald Dumbsfeld about the situation during a photo-op in Kuwait. That embarrassing scene sent Prez Shrub and the usual gang of mad idiots scrambling for an alibi. Addressing the problem, Brigadier General Jeffery Sorenson says armor is on the way but it will take a while. Sorenson also notes that the Pentagon isn't Wal-Mart. How true. Wal-Mart is evil but is it efficient. If it was in charge, the armor would've been available six months ago at any of its 300 Supercenters throughout Iraq. - - - Closer to home, the Fake City Police Department is replacing its patrol cars with vehicles featuring that tough 1960s-era look. A car used to be less imposing, even appeared friendly, lots of white paint complimented by blue stripes. The newer unit is basic black-and-white, obsidian paint front and back. You expect to see an officer throwing a long-haired protester on the hood, cuffing the perp. The retro-look gets you into that police state of mind. - - - What's this? APE has competition for dissing Plattsburgh, NY? There's now www.writog.com that features photographic evidence. I wonder if the market can support both entities. Two sarcastic dogs fighting over the same dead clown. - - - Sometimes I have to pause and think about what kind of people live here in NENYland. Recently a man ran over a dog with his riding lawn mower and just kept mowing. The dog's name was Tucker. He had to be euthanized because there was no hope. After being hit by the lawn mower, the poor animal was tuckered out. - - - Most newspapers are suffering from declining readerships. To keep the money coming in some are running their obituary page like a classified ad section. Take the Fake City's own rag. There's no charge for a simple obit, i.e. just the basic facts about who died. But if you want to add more, then pay up. Then you can write a sickening tribute that rambles on and on, talking about the "beloved" who was "mercifully taken up into the hands of Our Lord" and "was known for enjoying a good game of mumbletypeg in his younger years." I wonder if I send in my obit with such lines as "everyone hated him for his insensitive puns" and "his final send-off will be a Viking funeral, his body placed upon an old rowboat soaked with gasoline and set ablaze to drift about on Lake Champlain, just to piss off both environmentalists and the Coast Guard." After all, if I paid for it... = = = = = NOTICE: Unless indicated otherwise, all articles by Anti-Press. Articles submitted by others do not necessarily express or reflect the opinions or beliefs of Anti-Press. WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality Center. We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh, northeastern New York State (NENYland), USA. ("... mercifully he was taken up into the hands of Our Lord before we kicked his ass into pulp for making that cheap joke about our dog.") EMAIL: Antipress1@aol.com NEW POLICY: WE DO NOT ACCEPT ANY UNSOLICITED ARTICLES. 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