ANTI-PRESS EZINE #23 "We're Positive About The Negative" A May E-dition (C) Copyright 2001 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved THIS E-DITION'S LINE-UP: I - "LIES" II - BUSHISMS VS. GOOGLISMS III - THEIRS (NOT OURS) IV - 539,947 = 0 ============================================================= "LIES" At the public library: a magazine cover featuring a portrait of President Shrub, goofy grin and all. Pen in hand, someone wrote across his ten-gallon cowboy hat: "ASSHOLE". Then the scribbler emblazoned "FRAUD" on Shrub's forehead. Hey, no argument from us. On the street: a vending machine for The (news)Paper. Magic marker in hand, someone wrote across the plastic window: "Lies". *All* lies? Sorry, we disagree. Yes, we make fun of Plattsburgh's leading newssheet but we must begrudgingly admit The Paper did a good job when covering the local protests against the FTAA summit in Quebec City. Unlike flashy TeeVee news, The Paper went into detail about what the issues were, why the protesters were out in the streets. Some demonstrators didn't want to speak to The Paper, thinking that all mainstream media are part of a great conspiracy by The System. We understand concerns about being quoted out of context or words being twisted around to make protesters look bad. That does happen. But if you refuse to take any advantage of mainstream media, confining your message to your own news services, then all you're doing is tub-thumping to the choir. Yes, some mainstream disseminators do make idiotic statements. For example, here's a paraphrase of a notable observation regarding demonstrators: "If those protesters against free trade want to get their point across, they should dress better instead of having those wild haircuts and clothes. It's like the hippies during the Vietnam war who could've gotten their point across easier if the cut their long hair and took a bath." Gee, that's right. Good grooming, a suit and tie, short haircut -- the right appearance -- makes your message truthful: you don't look like a liar. Works for politicians, doesn't it? Footnote: Apparently a concerned librarian used some correction fluid to cover up the words added to Shrub's visage on that magazine cover. Another white wash. And, oddly enough, censorship by a librarian. * * * BUSHISMS VERSUS GOOGLISMS What is the difference between a lamebrain George W. quote and a bad translation of a German sentence into English? Apparently: not much. We were surfing the Web, trying to get some info on a TeeVee program using the Google search engine. A promising document was among the hits but its text was rendered in German. Then we noticed that Google (supposedly) could translate the document into some semblance of English. We clicked and Google went to work. When we received the translation, we could swear it had been written by our ill-ustrious Prez. What follows are George W. quotes mixed in with lines from the Googlistic translation. We challenge you: Which ones are Bushisms and which ones are Googlisms? Can you really tell the difference? "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." "Everyone of us knows: One can live together with other any longer, in addition, not without him." "I would have to ask the questioner. I haven't had a chance to ask the questioners the questions they've been questioning." "Their slogan: 'I become my virginity only against financial security exchanges.'" "Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." "Jack loves fish, has college termination in English and is constellation lion." "In the kindergarten it did not want to play a throwing off, why you were tied together the hands behind the back and they were thrown hereafter." "The person who runs FEMA is someone who must have the trust of the president. Because the person who runs FEMA is the first voice, often times, of someone whose life has been turned upside down hears from." "That is not vocational only on the loser route, also for the divorce must it bleed properly." "He used to slope with GI Joe, Barney, and the X-Men." "During the Viet Nam war it served Force with the air, where it distributed Amarillo t-shirts." "He loves it together with the dogs to bathe. He does not know, what a church is." "The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans." "It is likewise on the best way to get mental problems. In the age from two it drove with a tricycle over a cat. When he learned driving a car, he over-drove a further cat and invented another personality, in order to be able to give her the debt." "By the way also not of it." "We ought to make the pie higher." "Their favorite taste is from potatoes." "Now walk it already, as if small articles are thrown as peas after it." Frightening, huh? We'll bet that George W. can't tell the difference. * * * THEIRS (NOT OURS) The fix was in. High school. The Popular Circle was in charge of preparations for the prom. Each Pop Student went around, handing out ballots to vote on the prom theme song. It was a sham, a microcosmic version of the pseudo-democracy that runs America. When we got our ballot, the Pop Student told us which song to vote for. Of course, we voted for another song. But it didn't matter: the pre-selected song won by a landslide. It was their prom, not ours. For obvious reasons we didn't attend the Pop Event with its "democratically-chosen" theme song. The fix is in. Here we are, an adult, and the pattern repeats itself. We're being asked to vote as part of another quasi-democratic sham. Today we found a one-inch thick package crammed in the mailbox. After yanking it out, we could see it was from our insurance company. Bold blue letters commanded us: "Open Immediately. Time-Sensitive Material Enclosed." Gee, how self-important. We didn't know there was an expiration date for Priority Mail. So we opened up the envelope before the enclosed material lost its freshness. Be it noted that as a general rule we eschew insurance, especially life insurance. (The state can bury our worthless form after its best part has ceased to function.) But years ago our father bought a policy and now it pays for itself through dividends. So we just let it accumulate a few bucks each year, a little cash used to stave off some of our long-running bills. But our insurance policy might be in trouble. The Insurer wants to convert its organization from a mutual life insurance company to a stock company. We're wary of this proposed change. Look what happened to Spider-Man. His company, Marvel Comics, went public and ended up being screwed over by a greedy investor. Spidey and the other superheroes are facing bankruptcy; they're millions of dollars in debt. Their stock is worth as much as a cobweb. But the Insurer says its company has to compete more effectively in the global market. Gee, where have we heard that line before? Anyway, the Insurer sent us some forms to fill out, especially the ballot to vote YES or NO on the conversion scheme. We glanced over the rest of the contents in the inch-thick Priority Mail envelope, two booklets loaded with all sorts of facts and figures. Page after page of turbid businessese. The only part we really understood was on page 68, Booklet Part 1. Surrounded by white space, dead center, one sentence states: "(This page intentionally left blank.)" We gave up trying to sort through all the tiny type, the morass of dense info. We went to the ballot and checked the box for NO. When a company says it has its customers best interests in mind, we're immediately suspicious, especially when they present their view with material that's thick as a brick. Then we realized our vote doesn't count. In the Voting Guide brochure, on page 3 we found this headline: "Why The Insurer is converting to a stock company." Thus Spake The Board Of Directors. Obviously, it's THEIR company... * * * 539,947 = 0 So, Binky, ya wanna become a U.S. citizen? No problem. One requirement is the citizenship test. Let's see how well you do with a sample question. < Q: The United States has what form of government? > OK, Binky, what is your answer? Democracy or democratic? Sorry, you lose. You see the correct response is: < A: Republican. > What's that, Binky? You say you know a few native-born American citizens and they all say they live in a democracy? Christ, an American citizen is the LAST person you should talk to about U.S. history and government-- unless that person is a naturalized citizen who passed the citizenship test. I know, Binky. Most native-born Americans swear they live in a democracy but they've been brainwashed by a second-rate educational system. Why, they think that during a presidential race they are voting for a candidate but in reality they're voting for an elector. It's all part of this scam called the Electoral College. The Founding Fathers came up with this scheme to keep their power unchallenged by "mob rule". We could go into details about how the Electoral College works but you'll get a headache. It's like trying to understand a thick packet of financial hieroglyphics from your insurance company. The main point to remember about the E.C. is how it invalidates a basic democratic principle: the candidate who wins the popular vote is elected. Under the E.C. a presidential candidate only has to lock up key states, the states with the most electors. Winning a majority of electors -- NOT the popular vote -- is the name of the game. Let's say the non-key states have a high voter turnout and most citizens chose A over B. Meanwhile the key states have a low turnout and they favor candidate B. With this scenario candidate B wins the majority of electors while A scores the popular vote. It's happened four times in U.S. history. What are you pointing at, Binky? An editorial in the Plattsburgh Paper? Let's see. The Editor is chastising local voters for not participating in recent school district elections. To quote: "Didn't they learn from the last presidential election how potentially important every vote is?" Sure. Al Gore won the popular vote by 539,947 over George W. Shrub. Every one of those votes means *nothing* because we've got Prez Shrub, not Prez Gore, in power. Gee, Binky, don't get depressed. You should become a U.S. citizen. We need more people like you. You're a smart guy, the kind of person who can sort the candy from the crap. Keep that in mind when listening to typical Americans -- especially clueless newspaper editors. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Submitted works must be ready for publication (edited and proofread). Word Limit: 1000 words. No sci-fi, poetry, sci-fi poetry, poetic sci-fi, etc. Do some research and read a couple of issues to find what we want. Submissions and readers' comments should be sent to Antipress1@aol.com. Anti-Press Ezine and its sporadically published issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Copyright 1998-2001 Anti-Press Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe APE TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe APE ------------------------------------------------------------------------