ANTI-PRESS EZINE #19 "We're Positive About The Negative" A December E-dition (C) Copyright 2000 Anti-Press All Rights Reserved *** THIS E-DITION: Miscellaneous items, i.e. an odd year-end clearing of odds & ends from our trashpiled desk. *** ============================================================= EUNUCHS NEED NOT RUN So what does it take to be mayor of Plattsburgh, NY: brains or balls? Here's this item from last month, an article in the Local (news)Paper about two city councilors bickering over the position of mayor pro tem. The mayor, who oxymoronically is a gay Republican, helped to get out the vote for President-elect George Shrub and there's concern that he might leave this podunk early next year for a fed job with the new administration. If the mayor did blow this town, then the mayor pro tem, Councilor Crewcut, would fill in for him. Councilor Beard wants to save the city from this possibility, concerned by the dubious decisions made by Crewcut in the past. Councilor Beard states that Crewcut casts protest votes without considering the negative impact they might have on the city. And what is Councilor Crewcut's rebuttal? He challenges Beard's experience and vision, saying that he, Crewcut, has what is needed to make difficult decisions. In a word: "gonads". With statements like that, we wonder what organ Crewcut uses for thinking. * * * TAX DOLLARS GIVE MORE BANGS FOR THE BULL Here's another boring article about the 2001 budget for Corner County, listing the annual salaries for various management, elected and appointed positions. Running through the list we see Director of Planning, Airport Manager, Highway Superintendent, Coroner, Bangs and Bovine, Historian-- Waitaminute. Bangs and Bovine? What is that? Something related to copulating cows? The county is trying to breed a new stock of Jersey? Where is the $1000 per year for this position going? Maybe it's for fireworks and milk. So far no public outcry about this mystery line item which proves our point: no one really reads the Paper, except for us. * * * CONTEST CANCELED; MEDIA SCREWGES MAYOR Nothing induces disgust quicker in us than an ostentatious display of Xmas lights. Throughout the city show-offs with too much money to spare festoon their homes with superfluous seasonal displays: webs of gaudily-glowing bulbs draped on once beautiful trees, reindeer-shapes outlined by a string of tiny white lights (well, they don't have to worry about hunters), spotlighted manger displays with the baby Jesus just wearing swaddling clothes and thus freezing his butt,-- hey, it helps feed the poor, huh? In this time of peace and good will the mayor got fed up. The city used to sponsor a Xmas decorating contest and every year some sore loser would bitch and whine about not being picked. So the mayor stopped the city's participation in the contest, dropping it in the lap of a private service organization. That was a logical choice to us. The city has better ways of wasting its time. But mainstream media, always hungry for a new Scrooge story, picked up on the alleged controversy. National and international "news" outlets had to play up the "Grinch" angle, even though the real Grinches were the sore-losers throwing tantrums at the mayor. Yes, the Xmas season brings out the best in most people-- unless they've spent thousands of dollars on decorations, only to realize their wasteful ego-driven displays sucked. * * * PEDESTRIAN = ROADKILL While the Merry Mayor of Plattsburgh has scored many points for dropping the Xmas decoration contest, he wins only one or two points at best in other areas. One key area is pedestrian safety. Go to Sherbrooke, Canada, or even St. Albans, Vermont, and see how pedestrians are treated. Real cities have zebra-striped crosswalks that give a pedestrian the right of way over traffic. Stand by a curb and cars will stop for you, letting you cross the street without worry. So Plattsburgh's new mayor wanted to bring some civilization here to this hinterland outpost. He had a few crosswalks in the city painted with zebra-stripes so that a pedestrian wouldn't have to wait all day for a gap in the traffic to get across the street. For a while we were amazed. Now and then a car would stop as required by law and let us proceed to the other side. That's better than in the past when the local inbred maroons would just run you over. ("Jeezum Crow, what wuz that idiot doing in the road? Damn, he put a dent in my pick-up truck. Didn't he saw me doin' 70 miles per hour in this 20 mph school zone?") Lately it seems no one is stopping. The mayor didn't follow up with education and enforcement after re-painting the crosswalks . Then again, dealing with the maroons around here who have been Kings of the Road for too long-- it would try the patience of Mohandas Gandhi. We can see it now: the great social reformer Gandhi, resurrected, in downtown Plattsburgh on a sunny spring day. No rain or snow. No bad conditions that could be used as an excuse for not seeing someone on the crosswalk. Gandhi addresses his pedestrian followers: "Yes, my friends, the way of passive resistance will gain your freedom of the crosswalks. Just like in India, we must show them that we will not resort to their violence. Now here comes a vehicle. You, first in line, please start walking please..." BANG! "Do not worry, my friends. Our unfortunate friend is still breathing; he'll take a little nap until his head ceases to bleed. Here's another vehicle. We must teach these oppressors the error of their ways. Please cross, second one..." BANG! "...Third person, please cross..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! "Jeezum Crow, my friends. This is not working. Do these reddened necks think we are only speed bumps? Where's my Uzi?" * * * SPLATTER PAINT A HAPPY PICTURE Did you ever get the feeling from our writings that we somewhat dislike Xma$? So along comes an article that warms the cockles of our heart. Last month some so-called "Grinches" in Montreal were fed up with the early Xma$ displays in a trendy section of the city. So they went out in the cover of night and re-decorated the storefronts with splatters of paint, eggs, and grease. These "hohophobes"-- as they were "cleverly" called in an Associated Press article-- called themselves L'Anti Noel avant l'temps (Against Christmas Before Its Time). They warned stores in the Plateau district not to put up Yuletide decorations before December 1 because they "wouldn't let you destroy the fall...The world knows Christmas is coming!" We don't condone vandalism. But we can understand the rage of this group. We grit our teeth every time we are forced by necessity to go into a shopping mall, incessant Xma$ music playing in the background, playing on our mind like Chinese water torture, every note dripping on our thoughts. Throw in the baited displays of materialism on sale, then add a touch of guilt if you don't get that _perfect_ gift, and the whole effect is supposed to get you to spend money you don't have. Don't bother. Instead of vandalism, use activism. Don't buy, don't participate. Actively avoid the whole money-grubbing, soul-sucking, poor-making mess. After all, do you need a holiday like Xma$ to show someone that you care? There are other times of the year to give gifts. For example, a couple of days ago we were talking with a college student down at the Kubbyhole coffeehouse. She works part-time at a department store to help pay for her education. She said that even though Xma$ wasn't over, even though February 14 is a ways off, the store was putting out Valentine's Day items for sale... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Submitted works must be ready for publication (edited and proofread). Word Limit: 1000 words. No sci-fi, poetry, sci-fi poetry, poetic sci-fi, etc. Do some research and read a couple of issues to find what we want. Submissions and readers' comments should be sent to Antipress1@aol.com. Anti-Press Ezine and its sporadically published issues are available at: http://www.disobey.com/text/ Copyright 1998-2000 Anti-Press Publication by Disobey. http://www.disobey.com/ TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe APE TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe APE ------------------------------------------------------------------------