_________ _______ ______ /___ ___\ / __ \ / ____\ / / / /__\ / / / / / / __ / / __\ / / / / \ / / / /__/ /__/ /__/ /__/ THE ANNIHILATION FOUNTAIN A JOURNAL OF CULTURE ON THE EDGE... TEXT ONLY - ISSUE #5 The Annihilation Fountain & TAF Copyright c 1997-99 Neil MacKay ISSN 1480-9206 http://www.capnasty.org/taf/ the_annihilation_fountain@iname.com CONTENTS: --------- *NOISE CULTURE: THING I *ARE WE A CULTURE *THE COMPLETE, UNOFFICIAL TEMPEST INFORMATION PAGE *AN INQUIRY INTO A SAMPLE OF VERNACULAR PHILOSOPHY: THE APHORISMS OF YOGI BERRA *POETRY & PROSE *NIKE'S POETRY SLAM *CONTIRBUTORS TO THIS ISSUE... ************************************************************************ NOISE CULTURE: THING I By Alan Sondheim ************************************************************************ *Pity for the world. let the new knowledge come.* *- Michel Serres, Detachments* *The poetic moans of this century are only sophisms.* *- Lautreamont, Poesies* "No place left to go and no money to take you there, abjection itself will become the last accessible frontier. But the wherewithal to undertake this exploration has been severely blunted by the media's aestheticizing the hell out of horror. Thus the abjects. They explode the aesthetic filters slapped on horror, restoring it to the capacity to affect again." - Biba Kopf, "Bacillus Culture" in Tape Delay, ed. Charles Neal Approaching the second millennium, culture undergoes a great trans- formation, the revenge of surplus and excess. Totality fragments; fragments clutter; clutter accumulates. The social itself is wounded; with the disappearance of the great narratives (progress, self, family, religion, science, all tending towards the ultimate), an exponentially increasing number of tragedies - criminality, starvation, poverties, plant and animal extinctions - traverse the depths of a damaged planet. The human(e) is broken, identified now only with fictions. "Noise Culture" refers to both this state of affairs and various (sub)cultural responses. Noise culture is normative; culture undergoes splintered intensifications, floods, dissipations... --- Noise culture exists as social turbulence, invaded by parasites - fragments of incomplete data-banks, addresses, indirect and coded addresses, all operating within the incoherency of an outmoded concept of "truth" - a concept with proliferating falsifications. Logic itself has become exhausted as the foundation of mathematical culture. Deconstruction and its trace vanishes, without a trace. The fatigue of the body dominates and compresses the clarity of thought (what was thought to be clarity), which becomes nothing more than an occupational privilege, bound only to immediate situations and their promise of economic and sexual power - the checkmating of the professional elite. Absolute identity (A=A) is no longer of any consequence; even the degree zero of cultural anomie has vanished, replaced by a null set defined as the set of those things not equal to themselves. Within this accumulation of virtual displacements (crises of identity), contradiction is impossible, replaced only by waywardness - the crafty smile, the eroticism of sleaziness. This waywardness, this contrary (as in the "contrary child") inhabits a universe whose ethical structure is sham; what's left is strategy and happenstance. Contradictions themselves "float" as temporary, part objects. In place of the well-defined semantic field (the occasion of a theory of competence), one notes a swollen semiosis (sign production) possessing fissures intead of inscriptions: definitions are temporary, occurring at the weakest point of the communicative domain. Such fissures pass for the entities of a traditional linquistics, but their occasion within speech or grammatological acts is chaotic, catastrophic, and ill- defined. (One need only consider the use of words such as "health," "drug," "intervention," "postmodern," "sado-masochism" now, and forevermore.) There is no memory or tradition at work; instead, memory becomes a construct inherited from the photographic; the representative contents of recall are nothing more than current representations, simulacrua, virtual subjectities, Kodak-content. "Communication," "community," both reserved for the past tense, are American imaginaries; the Aquarian itself is tied to a surplus economics and demographics of New Age illiteracies. Noise culture is replete with the parasitic, commodity culture feeding upon real and unreal human needs and the creation/isolation of data bank fragments (dating services, mailing lists, etc.). Given the exponential rise of information in post-industrial society, given the contrary and imminent nature of this information, given the transvaluation of all truth-values, and given the problematics of scientific and technological progress - then information becomes viral, inhabiting the linguistic, decaying within it, and having no immanent value whatsoever. Noise culture is a culture of confusions, conflations - a culture of the inconceivable; it is unbelievable, because belief itself is refused entrance, except as imminent construct. What is seized is purely the momentary hiatus amidst the chattering of signifiers. Philosophy has become Das Mann, for example, and as example, philosophy is further abandoned. In place of any consideration of the modernist paradigm of cultural objects (paintings, estates, media, within formalist or New-Critical paradigms), consider the phenmenology of the cultural site. The accumulation of artworks exists, but existence is transgressive; the context is mobile, wobbly, and competitive (in the sense that any jostling is competitive). What once were considered objects are now objects of (impure) representation, formally identified as the union of the intersection of their family of descriptions; such an inexact definition (i.e. what constitutes a painting, human being, person) becoms a fissure within the swollen cultural domain, a fissure according to the lines of wekeast resistance, but a fissure nonetheless which passes as an inscription - a temporary demarcation which may even, under exceptinal circumstances, last the life of the organism. (Thus an inscription is a "classical" demarcation within a culture's mapping of the world, while a fissure is an ambiguous, temporary, and commodified demarcation of both the real and increasingly remote layers of representation.) Prejudice expands within the boundary-zones; born out of the swollen, it is the "simplest thing in the world," collapsing the need for real observation. Anything for demarcation, transcendence; godding and the sexual play similar roles. Bondage/domination and sado-masochisms temporarily harden what appear to be permanent positions of the body(politic). Within noise culture, then, all communication is distorted, and distorted necessarily. Clutter carries no memory, no history, no competency. Seriality is always on the horizon. Bodies penetrate and grapple. People sigh and borrow from one another. Clutter contains no memory; the absence of history, history adjudicated and collapsed, is characteristic of noise culture. History eliminates noise from temporality; as a process of reorganization, it produces the purity of historical process. History does what the present cannot do; cause and effect apear incontrovertible and the cluttered horizon of everyday life disappears into discourses on power, economics, media, bodies, and demographics. With the accumulation of information across the planet, there are more and more calls for reogranizations which are problematized upon their creation; history has become histories (mystories, herstories), and local history descends into the mythopoeic, the realm of legend which futilely inscribes itself as "tradition" against the incrusion of electronic media (employed by local history as a matter of record) - more information, more histories. Memory disappears into legend and exhaustion. There are no conclusions to be drawn (no time to draw them in). (History, history, history.) Romanticisms (jogging, art-school, substance abuse consultations) appear in which individuality is promulgated as defense; no one listens. There is no longer anyone to listen; there are no sites for competencies. The best one hopes for is computer matchups, successful searching, links in which information may be exchanged without decay and the presence of computer viruses, which clutter up the immediate works. More and more, the binary interiority of the computer dominates; the output is monitored and nothing more (everything watches everything else). Dialogs are reduced to microdialogs which circulate endlessly in eccentric space - phallocratic and headless dialogs, situational ethics, invaded by noise and parasites, dying and reborn endlessly (nothing dies within the loop; power runs out). The (transnational, managerial) corporate domain is also invaded: terrorism, viruses, sabotage, and bureaucratic labor continually collapse, on a local level, economic structures parasitic upon an increasingly depleted planet. Still, this domain speaks the totalization of culture everywhere; it's as if the culture were One but the "family of man" syndrome has long been deconstructed. Familiality, the sheer goodness of things and commodities, is questionable amidst famine, drug culture, the neutralizations of late captalism - questioned everywhere; the most totalitarian systems leak within and without the world information (dis)order. The body becomes a production of the state; by capital; by scarcity; by itself within noise culture, wherre it collapses into part-objects and representations. Character becomes an accumulation of "character traits," which give the appearance of being able to be rearranged at will, as smokers stop smoking, entrepreneurs make fabulous fortunes from foreclosures, and men and women stop fucking in a viral atmosphere still reeling under the myth of hygiene and self-control. Traits and body parts, sexualities and aggressions, circulate in a space of information overload; this is the liquidity of organic information where the body collapses in fissures and abjections. Again: No one listens, because no one can. As usual, the "media" become problematic (designed for the body!) with the introduction of new information displays, formats and sensations. Enter noise culture's media dump: the accumulation of battered television sets, video disks, vinyl records, CDs, old computers - "it's cheaper to get a new one" ... Clutter transforms into rubbish. In noise culture, bureaucracy and language are viral themselves; the former is paralleled by T2 or T4 bacteriophage, which possesses modularity, assembly-line technique, and the bacterium as a market investment transformed back into itself. Everything is absorbed within the bureaucracy, which ideally possesses no inputs or outputs. Starvation and a mismanaged (managed) ecosystem are the result. Language, too, is manipulated on the model of 1984; the part-objects of social realities are bureaucratically constructed. Words are identified with manipulation; released, they result in idle chatter dominated by prejudice and confusion. (No one admits this, the poverty of language, the abject fear and sorrow that lie just beneath the surface of most of us. No longer speaking, we try out speech; no longer thinking, we try out thought. No wonder so many turn to the frozen realm of ideology - Christian fundamentalism, right-to-life, RCP, whatever. Certainly the thought of the Other, which can pass for our own, structures lives in a fast-forward culture where reality and Otherness themselves are problematic. The Christ-narrative continues to find expression, moving from cultural center, however, to the periphery of empowering the bitter and meek.) Even the Freudian model of loss, retrieval, and reconstruction (symbolized by the "Fort-Da" all over again) has been transformed into the bureaucratic shuffle of memory input and recall, across the confusion of conflicting data-bases within an impotently totalizing eye (Foucault's Panopticon). The Panopticon itself records everything, loss everything; epistemologies shift under its eyes which always operate across the wrong spectra. Information is assorted piecemeal (knowledge is replaced by knowledge management, knowledge management by turbulent information flows), and the result is the "block" of dead langage - the advertisement, propaganda message, little (colored) book, holding things together within the flux of distorted communication. (Hence the naivete and absurdity of the conclusion of Lyotard's The Postmodern Condition: open access to data banks is literally open access to nothing.) The tens of thousands of commercial messages one is exposed to every day conflict; the message is always Buy! but the effect, like everything else, is one of increased noise and destructuration. Noise is literally that in noise culture - an effusion or emission of partial signifiers everywhere and nowhere at all, and an effusion which transgresses ontological and epistemological boundaries on a random basis. Teleology becmes an accumluation of "asides" and deflections; goals are presented fully immersed in discourses which are impossible to unravel (the soap-opera approach to life). "Truth-values" become smeared across these (broken) discourses, ultimately referring to a conflation of noisy logics. This noise is compounded by a parasitology composed of AIDS, computer viruses, advertising, piecemeal ideologies, criminalities, bureaucracies... Behavior appears ab nihilo and protean. This noise cannot be modelled (i.e. reduced to a chaotic domain), since it partakes of ontological confusion on one hand, and the imminence of making-do on the other. Nothing coheres. --- Noise culture is the culture of the _worn,_ worn-out, the culture of exhaustion. It is abject, corroding whatever mythopoeic sites are left. Pure power remains the only immobility, ultimately grounded in the asolute speed of nuclear retaliation. In reality, confusion reigns in the battlefield, equally ill-defined. Civilians and soldiers alike are ground up in a general slaughter. The pessimist might assume that all states are states of total war - internal, external, or both. War has been transformed from a series of operations ("battle," "strikes") to a condition, within and without the parasitic. Noise culture is a civilian response to a situation of fear, foreboding, and information overload, to which the body responds by a continuous literal deconstruction (no metaphysics here!), including drug culture. Dulled and disassembled, producing and reproducing the lie, one move in media res, in extremis. The cords binding the body in sado-masochistic theater spell out in hieroglyphic everything and nothing that remain to be spoken. The stutterings of desire, cries of infinite orgasm, are the only hygienic result (take the plunge!). Looking!: Take the plunge! The gaze is dissolved; there's no longer a site for it. The gaze collapses into aimless and endless loops of saccadean, protean movement. Absorbing absence, it's replaced by a glance which covets power. (Think of the Obsession and Charlie perfume ads, existing between gaze and glance, mediated by commodity, searching surface, producing a body-economics and nothing else.) Only pornography remains as absolution within noise culture, contributing to its parasitology - only pornography provides the site for the collapse of distorted communication into the immediacy and arousal of the body. Erect tissue chatters until its completion (complementation) within itself. (And flesh is everywhere, resonating in the quantum domain; noise culture is also the release of the flesh, from object into millenarian field.) In daily life, however, the glance predominates - the glance whose province is clutter itself. The glance is a moment in retreat, a continuous search and withdrawal. This retreat is (as simulacrum) inverted in the video or computer game, with their temporary totalizations of space, time, and power; the player can be assured of a definitive (one-to-one) response based on his her well-defined operations. The space-time of the game is therefore classical, temporarily empowering - but now a space-time based on capital investment. Here, the gaze appears momentarily (concentrate!, concentrate!); these games are another pornography (as are all investments). Channels of desire, sexuality, and capital have collapsed into general (catastrophic) flows from somewhere to somewhere; one sees (on the computer bulletin-board) only the banks of the rivulets, which themselves are changing course. Classical mathematization (taxonomies, addresses, hierarchies) is being replaced by a universal mathesis of widely disparate domains and computational heuristics. The result is the gaze's meander, traversing for example the shopping mall, in which desire is accessed by the body (or the body's representation, the creditcard) in every direction, and through every sense. The body, too, is jargon. The "jargon of authenticity" has been transformed into the authenticity of jargon, the language-stream of the culture slipping forever away. What occurs, if not exhaustion, overwork, impotency, performance - one withdraws, backs down, selfcensors, editing out all but the most vociferous (desirable, dangerous) messages. The world of the dream, no matter how nightmarish, provides at least temporary escape; the noise of the day transforms the random firing of neurons, a firing ultimately under the control of the brain as a totality. The resulting dream is a structural reorganization of firings comming- led with both traumatic memories and everyday activities. The dream curiously parallels its Fruedian interpretation. Instead of reflecting the past-unconscious, it reflects the present-conscious commingled with deep organization. It "saves" the organization, not through sublimation, but through guaranteeing, at least "in dream," the ability of the mind to recuperate its environment, make sense of it. On this level, it is irrelevant whether or not the dream is pleasant or night- mare; what occurs is narrative, and noise culture itself is put to bed. (Providing of course that one sleeps, and sleep disorders have become an integral part of culture's disorders of the real.) Put to bed: to a degree. For beyond this, exhaustion dominates, and the dreamworld no longer functions, except perhaps on the level of distorted narrativs of fear, abandonment, anxiety. Exhaustion is all that can occur within turbulence. Do not forget that nothing is absolute, transcendent (and that nothing itself is nothing); even deconstruction leaves one only with play in a world which already has too much. (For whom?) One fears totality as one fears fascism: there is no turn, no Kehre, no return. (Adorno: "Fascism is the absolute sensation.") The collapse of noise (collapsing noise within noise) is the re-presentation of the repressed with a vengeance. Too much play: nothing operates. Theory dissolves as well (and what is the use of theory if, as here, it can only remark incoherencies with incoherencies of its own?). Language plays itself out in the empty space of mutilated bodies, the remnants (Panama City, Beirut, Baghdad, East Timor, Kuwait, Brazil, China) of the World War I battlefield in which the distance between bodies was reduced to zero (nothing), and in which bodies were literally fragmented into noise and the abject. Does this alter? Has this been altered? Does this alter anything? Only these spaces (collapsed, commingled) remain. Of course there is no conclusion (no time for one). Beyond noise culture, what refuges remain? Apocalyptic culture reproduces classical narrative structure, beginning, middle, the caress of the end - but here the ultimate, resulting in the simultaneous death of reader and writer. Apocalyptic culture can be considered in terms of a field of operations upon deteriorating logics, focusing on the margins of these objects for both recuperation (1950s atomic paranoia) and lurid effect (Manson's writings). Essentialisms of all sorts produced the privileged witness, the guarantor of classical truth-values; deconstruction is threby applied to the Other, critique produced from a stabilized site. "Essence" itself is taken for granted, resulting in false or inauthentic consensus. Spiritualities appear to entail specific rites and beliefs (why, for God's sake?), resulting again in essentialisms as well. Disbelief joins belief at the margins suturing the subject (surely in need of construction). Radical disbelief denies "believing in," and perhaps that is the best one can hope for. This position, however, with its denial of transcendence, remains problematic in regard to ethos and praxis. It also opens to noisy inundation. Finally, pervading all, are the various subcultural responses; these aren't passiave productions, but may in fact be cultural assualts. It is here that a frontier appears, that orgasm recuperates; it is here that the existence of an avant-garde becomes meaningless, as culture continues to proliferate and aesthetics simultaneously moves to outer space and the liquid interiority of the body. {}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} ************************************************************************ ARE WE A CULTURE by Morbus ************************************************************************ Originally published in Devil Shat Fourteen. Before I even attempt to answer that question, we both need to understand who "we" are. "We" are not all the people who read this zine, but probably most of them. "We" is not everyone who is on the Internet, and it's probably not even a lot of them. "We", in my definition, are those people who are on their computer for the better part of the day. More accurately, "we" are those people who are online for most of that time also. "We" could consist of mothers who have to take care of their children as their husband works a nine to five. But when the kids are in school, what does she do? Go online to chat. "We" could consist of people who have given "life" a try, and simply felt more comfortable with the computer world. More comfortable with the world of letters where your only mouth is predominantly your eyes. And "we" might consist of people who go online and get porn all day. Hey, there is no prejudice here... even perverts contribute to "we". Now we have to define what "culture" is. According to my handy-dandy dictionary, culture is (wow, there are a lot of definitions here... they don't even know either): "the sum total of ways of living built up by a group of human beings and transmitted from one generation to another" or perhaps "a particular form or stage of civilization" and also "the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group". If we go by those definitions then the Internet is a culture... a web page allows us to put any little bit of knowledge we think we know so everyone can see. This is the "sum total of ways of living" which is easily "transmitted from one generation to another". How could it not be? Our children are often more comfortable being on the computer than spending time in the "real world". The internet is certainly a "stage of civilization" although after a while it won't be. Soon, the internet will be so normal and natural that we will expect it to be there one way or another... just like electricity. And the internet is our "behaviors and beliefs" and we are the "social" group that make up it's heart. But are we a good culture? And what effects do we have on the already established culture? "A new culture is being formed out of a desire for communication" writes Garth Graham. Perhaps, but at what loss? Do we really need to communicate with everyone and anyone instantaneously? I've stated this before: at what cost is it to our real life? Do we escape into this new reality because we don't communicate with our families or our friends or our workers? Psychiatry in the future won't be about sitting on a couch and telling your problems to a scribbling bald guy. It will involve typing to Eliza and getting fortune cookie responses back. Or perhaps we need to sit down husband and wife on two different computers and have them get together in a chat room. Would that help? Probably. One of the benefits of this desire to communicate is the medium: you don't need an identity. Enter a chat room; be a guy or a girl; quiet, joking or thoughtful. Who cares? When you're computer shuts down, it's all over. The saddening negative of meeting your wife on IRC is the fact that you'll still have to get into bed with her and you'll have nothing to say. Your feelings, anger, and shopping list will all be hidden inside... until you get into that chat room, and then you can CAPS and bold all you want. "The daily exposure to various cultures makes it impossible for an individual to envision the world consisting of only his or her culture" writes Margaret Mead. That is true, but what will it bring us? Confusion and anger. Confusion because we aren't even secure with our culture in the United States. Go to Texas to a hick town. The culture there is different than the Bronx in New York, or the people in Concord, New Hampshire. Why do we need to know what it is like in Podunk, Africa? Sure, we can saturate ourselves with their wonderful nativeness and their beautiful art, but again, we have all that in the United States - we just haven't been searching hard enough. If the United States is such a "melting pot" of culture, people, and ideals, where is our desire to "get away from it all"? Why would it bring anger? The inability to understand people's point of view. Sure, we may be able to get "cultured" and communicate with people in Podunk, Australia, but we'll still attempt to twist their standards and so forth to something that is familiar with us. All of our hoping and longing to "get away from it all" will merely be replaced by "dammit, everything is the same". We need to realize that although the internet allows us to communicate with everyone, it is mostly through the same medium... and that medium is largely American. "Mead writes that while in the past culture was transmitted from the older generation to the younger, today the younger generation learns from their peers and teach their elders," explains Michael Hauben... and that pisses adults off, doesn't it? We even capitalize on that in the commercials on television, with the father having his son book flight plans for him: "it's so simple even an adult could do it". That's great, junior, but I make the rules here, and I don't want to admit that my six year old son taught me how to send email. I'm a grown-up, I'm smart, I am your life. We are the teachers, that is how it's been, and that is how it should always be. It's an immortal paradigm that needs to fall before we truly have enlightenment. Everyone is a teacher because everyone is an expert in something. "The new media of Usenet news, electronic mail and the Internet facilitate the growth of global interactive communities" continues Hauben. This is common in many cultures. We have gangs in New York, and cliques of jocks, goths, and preps everywhere. Within each group there is a mini culture. There are enemies and there are allies. It is against the "law" to be a friend with a prep if you're a jock... so Romeo and Juliet-ish. Of course, our wonderful "internet various-global culture" thingy wouldn't be a culture if we didn't have hate, or anger, or rivalries. A lot of people have adverse reactions to individuals from AOL or WebTV. Read a newsgroup every once in a while. In "underground" (I use this term with regret) newsgroups, there are constant put-downs if someone posts a question and their return address is from one of those groups. And then the newsgroup is filled with this stupid-ass flame war between groups for weeks. It's annoying as all hell, but isn't this what come to expect? Take McDonalds for example: I worked there when I was younger, and the morning crew always hated the closers because they would never do everything that needed to be done. The night crew hated the morning crew because they kept adding more things to be done at night. It was wonderful stuff. "The chance to contribute and interact with other people spread Usenet to become a truly global community of people hooking their computers together to communicate" says Graham. I suppose - although most newsgroups are empty (ever been to alt.thought?). Well, all except for the spam that is. Yes, as much as our wonderful community is so connected, we still have those who manage to screw it up. Their equivalent in the real world is the shiny junk mail we get in our mailboxes. But we can't just throw spam away like we do junk mail. There is something more personal about spam. Take a newsgroup, for example. If you don't have good filtering software, you have to download all that spam through your modem. They have just wasted your time. And with email, you can't throw spam away... inadvertently you find yourself opening it under the impression that it is a real post. Yet another waste of time. I've grown used to spam although I still don't like it. I have learned to deal with it like commercials on TV: you hate em, but you patiently wait for the show to come back on. "There's something to be said about the attraction of representing one's self to the greater communication" says Hauben. Yes, and that is this: it is awfully hard. "The online culture is primarily a written one, although much of the text is written generally in a non-formal almost off the cuff type of nature" continues Hauben. And as such, it's hard to understand. VVh3/\/ p30p73 t47/< like that all the time, and slaughter words down to "i've ben werkin 2 much... d00d." we lose communication. And we lose face. Text is just that: text, words - merely ASCII characters that don't seem to betray any face. But how you type your text and the readability of the text is an indicator of maturity, and openness. No one wants to sit and decipher what the hell you are saying. They want to read something, see if you expressed their opinion and move on. Hauben goes on to talk about how "body language and other non-verbal clues need to be spelled out". This is true, but also annoying. I know people who use smiley faces after every sentence. That kinda lessens the emotion. "Oh, look, she's smiling again... isn't that cute?" Of course, the alternative to smileys are those stupid little HTMLemotions. You know, the ones like [grin] and [laugh]. People stick by a set range of emotions and are almost never [smiling like the sun] or [ready to beat the crap out of you]. Ah twell. Of course, like the idea of groups, a secret "acronym-code" can be learned by members... the online equivalent of gang signs. That way, you can tell your buddy to KHAAMO and be secure in the fact that you're mysterious (cos people are sure gonna ask what you mean). "While not bound by formal, written agreements, people nevertheless are required by convention to observe certain amenities because they serve the greater common interest of the net" writes Bruce Jones. Required, no. Requested, yes. People break the ideals set in FAQ files all the time, probably because a) they didn't read them, b) they don't give a damn, or c) because they're stupid. Have you ever joined a mailing list? Ignoring the countless morons who think they can be unsubscribed by sending multiple messages to the list itself, there is rarely an unmoderated list that stays on topic. There are many different facets of real culture and as such, there should be as many, if not more, in the larger culture of the internet. For example "Cow Loving Group One" might have radically different rules than "Cow Loving Group Three". It can all be very confusing for someone who just wants to know about cowtipping. Sure, "the elements of culture and community that bind the people of Usenet together" feels all warm and snugly when you're on the inside, but if you're an immigrant from Ellis, you might have trouble being accepted much less heard. "The voiceless and the oppressed in every part of the world have begun to demand more power." finishes Mead. This is dangerous. Take voiceless and oppressed. Crying to be heard and being suppressed forces people into a corner of "fight or flee". And hey, this is where anonymity is the standard, and because of that, most fight and demand for more power. The "leaders" either relinquish or fight themselves. It will be only a matter of time when modem potatoes of the world figure out how to stage an revolt through electronic means. And unlike the hackers creed, desperation and oppression throw out all niceties and damage is merely a side-effect. There is a book called "Cyberpoet's Guide to Virtual Culture" written by John Frost. Is that what we are? Are we a "realistic simulation" of real culture? c 1997-1998 disobey Devil Shat is published by disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. Devil Shat Fourteen was released on 11/20/97. {}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} ************************************************************************ THE COMPLETE, UNOFFICIAL TEMPEST INFORMATION PAGE by Joel McNamara ************************************************************************ Across the darkened street, a windowless van is parked. Inside, an antenna is pointed out through a fiberglass panel. It's aimed at an office window on the third floor. As the CEO works on a word processing document, outlining his strategy for a hostile take-over of a competitor, he never knows what appears on his monitor is being captured, displayed, and recorded in the van below. ~~~~~ If you're even vaguely familiar with intelligence, computer security, or privacy issues, you've no doubt heard about TEMPEST. Probably something similar to the above storyline. The general principle is that computer monitors and other devices give off electromagnetic radiation. With the right antenna and receiver, these emanations can be intercepted from a remote location, and then be redisplayed (in the case of a monitor screen) or recorded and replayed (such as with a printer or keyboard). TEMPEST is a code word that relates to specific standards used to reduce electromagnetic emanations. In the civilian world, you'll often hear about TEMPEST devices (a receiver and antenna used to monitor emanations) or TEMPEST attacks (using an emanation monitor to eavesdrop on someone). While not quite to government naming specs, the concept is still the same. TEMPEST has been shrouded in secrecy. A lot of the mystery really isn't warranted though. While significant technical details remain classified, there is a large body of open source information, that when put together forms a pretty good idea of what this dark secret is all about. That's the purpose of this page. The following is a collection of resources for better understanding what TEMPEST is. And no, I seriously don't think national security is being jeopardized because of this information. I feel to a certain extent, the "security through obscurity" that surrounds TEMPEST may actually be increasing the vulnerability of U.S. business interests to economic espionage. Remember, all of this is publicly available. A fair amount has come from unclassified, government sites. Up to this point, no one has spent the time to do the research and put it all together in a single location. I've just begin to scratch the surface. If you have any additions, corrections, or amplifications, let me know. This is a work in progress, so check back often (updates are listed at the bottom of the page). References marked with an (X), are good primary sources. If you just read these, you'll end up with an excellent overview on TEMPEST-related topics. Joel McNamara December 17, 1996 - updated June 9, 1997 ~~~~~ Contents What is TEMPEST? TEMPEST History Just how prevalent is emanation monitoring? TEMPEST Urban Folklore General TEMPEST Information Online Sources Patents Paper Sources Monitoring Devices Do It Yourself Shielding Sources TEMPEST Hardware & Consulting US Government Information Sources Department of Energy Department of State National Security Agency National Institute of Standards and Technology US Military Information Sources U.S. Navy U.S. Air Force U.S. Army Department of Defense Other Countries Used TEMPEST Non-TEMPEST computer surveillance ~~~~~ What is TEMPEST? TEMPEST is a U.S. government code word that identifies a classified set of standards for limiting electric or electromagnetic radiation emanations from electronic equipment. Microchips, monitors, printers, and all electronic devices emit radiation through the air or through conductors (such as wiring or water pipes). An example is using a kitchen appliance while watching television. The static on your TV screen is emanation caused interference. (If you want to learn more about this phenomena, a company called NoRad has an excellent discussion (X) of electromagnetic radiation and computer monitors, that you don't need to be an electrical engineer to understand. Also, while not TEMPEST-specific, a journal called Compliance Engineering, typically has good technical articles relating to electromagnetic interference. There's also the Electromagnetic Compliance FAQ.) During the 1950's, the government became concerned that emanations could be captured and then reconstructed. Obviously, the emanations from a blender aren't important, but emanations from an electric encryption device would be. If the emanations were recorded, interpreted, and then played back on a similar device, it would be extremely easy to reveal the content of an encrypted message. Research showed it was possible to capture emanations from a distance, and as a response, the TEMPEST program was started. The purpose of the program was to introduce standards that would reduce the chances of "leakage" from devices used to process, transmit, or store sensitive information. TEMPEST computers and peripherals (printers, scanners, tape drives, mice, etc.) are used by government agencies and contractors to protect data from emanations monitoring. This is typically done by shielding the device (or sometimes a room or entire building) with copper or other conductive materials. (There are also active measures for "jamming" electromagnetic signals. Refer to some of the patents listed below.) In the United States, TEMPEST consulting, testing, and manufacturing is a big business, estimated at over one billion dollars a year. (Economics has caught up TEMPEST though. Purchasing TEMPEST standard hardware is not cheap, and because of this, a lesser standard called ZONE (X) has been implemented. This does not offer the level of protection of TEMPEST hardware, but it quite a bit cheaper, and is used in less sensitive applications.) Emanation standards aren't just confined to the United States. NATO has a similar standard called the AMSG 720B Compromising Emanations Laboratory Test Standard. In Germany, the TEMPEST program is administered by the National Telecom Board. In the UK, Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ), the equivalent of the NSA, has their own program. ~~~~~ TEMPEST History The original 1950s emanations standard was called NAG1A. During the 1960s it was revised and reissued as FS222 and later FS222A. In 1970 the standard was significantly revised and published as National Communications Security Information Memorandum 5100 (Directive on TEMPEST Security), also known as NACSIM 5100. This was again revised in 1974. Current national TEMPEST policy is set in National Communications Security Committee Directive 4, dated January 16, 1981. It instructs federal agencies to protect classified information against compromising emanations. This document is known as NACSIM 5100A and is classified. The National Communications Security Instruction (NACSI) 5004 (classified Secret), published in January 1984, provides procedures for departments and agencies to use in determining the safeguards needed for equipment and facilities which process national security information in the United States. National Security Decision Directive 145, dated September 17, 1984, designates the National Security Agency (NSA) as the focal point and national manager for the security of government telecommunications and Automated Information Systems (AISs). NSA is authorized to review and approve all standards, techniques, systems and equipment for AIS security, including TEMPEST. In this role, NSA makes recommendations to the National Telecommunications and Information Systems Security Committee for changes in TEMPEST polices and guidance. ~~~~~ Just how prevalent is emanation monitoring? There are no public records that give an idea of how much emanation monitoring is actually taking place. There are isolated anecdotal accounts of monitoring being used for industrial espionage (see Information Warfare, by Winn Schwartau), but that's about it. Unfortunately, there's not an emanation monitoring category in the FBI Uniform Crime Reports. Threat? There are a few data points that lead one to believe there is a real threat though, at least from foreign intelligence services. First of all, the TEMPEST industry is over a billion dollar a year business. This indicates there's a viable threat to justify all of this protective hardware (or it's one big scam that's making a number of people quite wealthy). This scope of the threat is backed up with a quote from a Navy manual that discusses "compromising emanations" or CE. "Foreign governments continually engage in attacks against U.S. secure communications and information processing facilities for the sole purpose of exploiting CE." I'm sure those with appropriate security clearances have access to all sorts of interesting cases of covert monitoring. Or not? In 1994, the Joint Security Comission issued a report to the Secretary of Defense and the Director of Central Intelligence called "Redefining Security." It's worthwhile to quote the entire section that deals with TEMPEST. TEMPEST (an acronym for Transient Electromagnetic Pulse Emanation Standard) is both a specification for equipment and a term used to describe the process for preventing compromising emanations. The fact that electronic equipment such as computers, printers, and electronic typewriters give off electromagnetic emanations has long been a concern of the US Government. An attacker using off-the-shelf equipment can monitor and retrieve classified or sensitive information as it is being processed without the user being aware that a loss is occurring. To counter this vulnerability, the US Government has long required that electronic equipment used for classified processing be shielded or designed to reduce or eliminate transient emanations. An alternative is to shield the area in which the information is processed so as to contain electromagnetic emanations or to specify control of certain distances or zones beyond which the emanations cannot be detected. The first solution is extremely expensive, with TEMPEST computers normally costing double the usual price. Protecting and shielding the area can also be expensive. While some agencies have applied TEMPEST standards rigorously, others have sought waivers or have used various levels of interpretation in applying the standard. In some cases, a redundant combination of two or three types of multilayered protection was installed with no thought given either to cost or actual threat. A general manager of a major aerospace company reports that, during building renovations, two SAPs required not only complete separation between their program areas but also TEMPEST protection. This pushed renovation costs from $1.5 million to $3 million just to ensure two US programs could not detect each other's TEMPEST emanations. In 1991, a CIA Inspector General report called for an Intelligence Community review of domestic TEMPEST requirements based on threat. The outcome suggested that hundreds of millions of dollars have been spent on protecting a vulnerability that had a very low probability of exploitation. This report galvanized the Intelligence Community to review and reduce domestic TEMPEST requirements. Currently, many agencies are waiving TEMPEST countermeasures within the United States. The rationale is that a foreign government would not be likely to risk a TEMPEST collection operation in an environment not under their control. Moreover, such attacks require a high level of expertise, proximity to the target, and considerable collection time. Some agencies are using alternative technical countermeasures that are considerably less costly. Others continue to use TEMPEST domestically, believing that TEMPEST procedures discourage collection attempts. They also contend that technical advances will raise future vulnerabilities. The Commission recognizes the need for an active overseas TEMPEST program but believes the domestic threat is minimal. Contractors and government security officials interviewed by the Commission commend the easing of TEMPEST standards within the last two years. However, even with the release of a new national TEMPEST policy, implementation procedures may continue to vary. The new policy requires each Certified TEMPEST Technical Authority (CTTA), keep a record of TEMPEST applications but sets no standard against which a facility can be measured. The Commission is concerned that this will lead to inconsistent applications and continued expense. Given the absence of a domestic threat, any use of TEMPEST countermeasures within the US should require strong justification. Whenever TEMPEST is applied, it should be reported to the security executive committee who would be charged with producing an annual national report to highlight inconsistencies in implementation and identify actual TEMPEST costs. Domestic implementation of strict TEMPEST countermeasures is a prime example of a security excess because costly countermeasures were implemented independent of documented threat or of a site's total security system. While it is prudent to continue spot checks and consider TEMPEST in the risk management review of any facility storing specially protected information, its implementation within the United States should not normally be required. The Commission recommends that domestic TEMPEST countermeasures not be employed except in response to specific threat data and then only in cases authorized by the most senior department or agency head. Maybe The main difficulty in tracking instances of emanation monitoring is because it's passive and conducted at a distance from the target, it's hard to discover unless you catch the perpetrator red-handed (a bad Cold War pun). Even if a spy was caught, more than likely the event would not be publicized, especially if it was corporate espionage. Both government and private industry have a long history of concealing security breaches from the public. As with any risk, you really need to weigh the costs and benefits. Is it cheaper and more efficient to have a spy pass himself off as a janitor to obtain information, or to launch a fairly technical and sophisticated monitoring attack to get the same data? While some "hard" targets may justify a technical approach, traditional human intelligence (HUMINT) gathering techniques are without a doubt, used much more often than emanation monitoring. ~~~~~ TEMPEST Urban Folklore Because of the general lack of knowledge regarding TEMPEST topics, there is a fair amount of urban folklore associated with it. Here's some common myths. And if you can provide a primary source to prove me wrong, let me know (no friends of friends please). * It's illegal to shield your PC from emanation monitoring. Seline's paper suggests this, but there are no laws that I've found that even come close to substantiating. Export of TEMPEST-type shielded devices is restricted under ITAR, and most manufacturers will only sell to government authorized users, but there are no laws banning domestic use of shielded PCs. * Emanation monitoring was used to snare CIA spy Aldrich Ames and also during the Waco incident. Winn Schwartau appears to have started the speculation on these two events. While conventional electronic surveillance techniques were used, there's no published evidence to support a "TEMPEST attack." * You can put together a emanation monitoring device for under $100 worth of Radio Shack and surplus parts. Perhaps for a dumb video display terminal (VDT), but certainly not for a VGA or SVGA monitor. And definitely not for doing serious remote monitoring. There have been anecdotal accounts of television sets with rabbit ears displaying fragments of a nearby computer screen. Beyond that, effective, cheap, easy-to-build devices don't seem to exist. If they did, the plans would be available on the Net at just about every hacker site. * LCD displays on laptops eliminate the risks of TEMPEST attacks. Maybe, maybe not. The technology behind LCD monitors versus typical CRT monitors may somewhat reduce the risk, but I wouldn't bet my life on it. There have been anecdotal accounts of noisy laptop screens being partially displayed on TVs. If laptops were emanation proof, I seriously doubt there would be TEMPEST standard portables on the market. * TEMPEST is an acronym. Maybe. There have been a variety of attempts to turn TEMPEST into a meaningful acronym (such as Transient ElectroMagnetic Pulse Emanation STandard) by government and non-government sources. The official government line denies this, and states TEMPEST was a code word originally given to the standards, and didn't have any particular meaning. * There's virtually no information about TEMPEST on the Net because it's so secret. Nonsense. The world does not revolve around AltaVista. You just need to dig a little deeper. ~~~~~ General TEMPEST Information Online Sources * One of the most distributed sources of TEMPEST information on the Net is a paper by Christopher Seline called "Eavesdropping On the Electromagnetic Emanations of Digital Equipment: The Laws of Canada, England and the United States." It deals with laws relating to eavesdropping on the electromagnetic emanations of digital equipment. Seline postulates that it is illegal for a U.S. citizen to shield their hardware against emanation eavesdropping. There are no laws to support this contention. Other information in the Seline paper has been questioned by informed sources, however, there is good source material contained in it. * The other widely distributed source is Grady Ward's "TEMPEST in a teapot" (X) post to the Cypherpunks list that discusses practical countermeasures based on techniques radio operators use to reduce electromagnetic interference. Good technical source material. * "Electromagnetic Radiation from Video Display Units: An Eavesdropping Risk?" (X) by Wim van Eck, Computers & Security, 1985 Vol. 4. This is the paper that brought emanation monitoring to the public's attention. Van Eck was a research engineer at the Dr. Neher Laboratories of The Netherlands' Post, Telegraph, and Telephone (PTT) Service. His paper was purposely incomplete on several points, and modifications were required to actually build a working device based on his plans. (.PDF format) * "Electromagnetic Eavesdropping Machines for Christmas?" (X) Computers & Security, Vol. 7, No. 4 [1988] A follow-up article to the van Eck paper. Excellent source material regarding why (and what) certain details weren't included in the original. .PDF and HTML formats. * "The Threat of Information Theft by Reception of Electromagnetic Radiation from RS-232 Cables", Peter Smulders, Dept of Electrical Engineering, Eindhoven University of Technology, 1990. Many people just think their computer monitors are vulnerable to emanation monitoring. This paper clearly shows that cabling is equally at risk. (.PDF format) * "Protective Measures Against Compromising Electromagnetic Radiation Emitted by Video Display Terminals" (X) by Professor Erhart Moller, Aachen University, Germany, 1990. A good introduction. Reprinted in Phrack 44. * "Data Security by Design" was written by George R. Wilson and appeared in Progressive Architecture, March 1995. It offers some interesting facts on shielding structures from emanation leakage. * PC Week, March 10, 1987 v4 p35(2) has an article by Vin McLellan about emanation monitoring and TEMPEST. * COMPUTERWOCHE, August 8, 1986, #34 Lauschangriff auf unbekannte Schwachstelle is a German article regarding TEMPEST shielded terminals. Thanks to Ulf Mšller for the following summary: The article says that authorities had long known about compromising radiation, but the information had leaked to business only recently. It was usually neglected by commercial computing centers and completely unknown to users. Experts estimate that screen contents can be received over a distance of 1 km, and of 300 m using amateur equipment. SCS GmbH gave recommendations on low-radiation screens determined in experiments. Room protection with Faraday cages is explained. Radiation-free computers, typically implemented by a Faraday cage inside the box, existed but were not available to the market. Beginning March 1 that year, authorities processing sensitive data were required by order of the ministry of interior to use only Tempest-protected devices approved by the ZfCH (= central office for encipherment, the predecessor of the BSI). The producers of those devices are obliged to secrecy and may deliver to authorities only. Ericsson was the market leader for security screens with a special version of the S41 terminal with an annual turnover of 10,000,000 DM. They would have liked to sell more of them, but were not allowed to deliver them to private companies. Patents A quick search of IBM's patent server service revealed several interesting patents: * Patent number 4965606 - Antenna shroud tempest armor (1989) * Patent number 5165098 - System for protecting digital equipment against remote access (1992) * Patent number 4932057 - Parallel transmission to mask data radiation (1990) * Patent number 5297201 - System for preventing remote detection of computer data from tempest signal emissions (1994) A note about patent 5297201. It references patent 2476337 that was issued July 1, 1949. Unfortunately, the details aren't available online, but the reference may be telling as to just how long emanation monitoring has been taking place. Paper Sources * "Cabinets for Electromagnetic Interference/Radio-Frequency Interference and TEMPEST Shielding" by Kenneth F. Gazarek, Data Processing & Communications Security, Volume 9, No. 6 [1985]. * Information Warfare, Winn Schwartau, Thunder's Moth Press, New York, 1996 (second edition) Chapter 7, The World of Mr. van Eck, is devoted to TEMPEST-related topics. There's some good information, but it's painted pretty broadly, and really doesn't get into technical details (the second edition does present much more material on HERF guns and other topics, but nothing has been added to the van Eck chapter). Still, a good read, also some additional sources not mentioned on this page in the Footnotes section. * Computer Security Basics, (X) Deborah Russell and G. T. Gangemi Sr., O'Reilly & Associates, Sebastpol, CA, 1991. Chapter 10, TEMPEST, provides an excellent overview of the risks of emanations as well as the government TEMPEST program. This is a must read. ~~~~~ Monitoring Devices A company called The Codex probably has the most information about TEMPEST-type products on a single Net site. The CEO, Frank Jones, gave a monitoring demonstration on the Discovery Channel in October, 1996 (a transcript and video stills are available). The site also houses a general discussion of emanation monitoring and a reprint of an Internet Underground article. Jones sells a monitoring device called a DataScan, but unfortunately doesn't supply much technical detail and I've yet to talk to a third party that's actually used one. He also sells something called Safety Shield, which is used to reduce emanations. John Williams sells the Williams Van Eck System, an off the shelf emanation monitoring device. He also has a demonstration video and and a book called "Beyond Van Eck Phreaking." The updated Consumertronics Web site has a variety of interesting products (the $3 paper catalog is a good read too). In past written correspondence with Mr. Williams, he has provided a considerable amount of technical details about his products. I'm currently looking for first hand, real-world accounts of a monitoring device actually being used to gather intelligence (not in a demonstration). PGP-encrypted e-mail through anonymous remailers or nym servers perferred. ~~~~~ Do It Yourself Shielding Sources After you've read Grady's paper... If you're handy with a soldering iron, Nelson Publishing produces something called the EMI/RFI Buyers' Guide. This is a comprehensive list of sources for shielding material, ferrites, and other radio frequency interference and electromagnetic interference type products. There's even listings for TEMPEST products and consultants. Unfortunately, most of the sources don't have links. But company names, addresses, and phone/FAX numbers are supplied. A more general electronics manufacturer data base is electroBase. They have over 7,800 manufacturers of all types listed. There's an interesting product called Datastop Security Glass, that's advertised as the only clear EMF/RFI protection glass on the market. It's free of metal mesh, so has excellent optical clarity. This is the same stuff the FAA uses in air traffic control towers. Contact TEMPEST SECURITY SYSTEMS INC. for more details. Just remember, effective emanation security begins with the physical environment. Unless you can shield the wiring (telephone lines, electrical wiring, network cables, etc.), all of the copper around your PC and in the walls isn't going to stop emanations from leaking to the outside world. In shielding, also remember that emanations can pass from one set of wires to another. ~~~~~ TEMPEST Hardware & Consulting Here's some of the players in the billion dollar plus a year TEMPEST industry (this is by no means a complete list): AFC (Antennas for Communications) manufacturers TEMPEST sheilding enclosures for antennas. Aerovox manufactures a variety of EMI filters. Nice downloadable catalog (Windows help format) with photos. Austest Laboratories is a down-under company that provides TEMPEST testing. Candes Systems Incorporated (X) produces TEMPEST products, including monitors, printers, and laptops. Nice photos and specs. Compucat is an Australian company that provides a variety of TEMPEST products and services. Conductive Coatings, a division of the Chromium Corporation, produces a variety of shielding solutions. CorCom makes a variety of shielded jacks (RJ type) in its Signal Sentry line. Corton Inc. manufactures TEMPEST keyboards. Dynamic Sciences is another TEMPEST-oriented company. Among other things, they produce a piece of hardware called the DSI-110, for surveillance and testing purposes. Elfinco SA is a British company that produces sheilding products. Most notable is electromagnetic shielded concrete. Equiptco Electronics sells a variety of general electronic equipment and supplies, some TEMPEST standard (but you need to dig through their catalog to find it). EMC Technologies is an Australian company that provides TEMPEST testing. Emcon Emanation Control Limited, in Onatrio, Canada, has been providing TEMPEST equipment to NATO governments for the past 12 years. Framatome Connectors International manufactures TEMPEST cables and connectors in the UK, especially suited for marine use. GEC-Marconi Hazeltine produces COMSEC products as well as TEMPEST design and test facilities. GTE, the phone people, make a TEMPEST version of their Easy Fax product, complete with a STU-III (encrypted phone) gateway. HAL Communications Corp. provides TEMPEST shielded modems and radio equipment to the government. JMK makes a variety of filters (including those of the TEMPEST variety). Kontron Elektronic is a German company that offers a slick little shielded portable. Lynwood is a UK supplier of TEMPEST and ruggedized PCs. NAI Technologies (X) produces a variety of TEMPEST standard workstations and peripherals. Nisshinbo is a Japanese company that provides quite a bit of detail on its TEMPEST shielding products. The DENGY-RITE 20 wideband grid ferrite absorber panels is especially interesting. Panashield manufactures a variety of shielding enclosures. Racal Communications does TEMPEST evaluations. Radiation Sciences Inc. is a TEMPEST consulting and training firm in Pennsylvania. Security Engineering Services Inc. is a consulting firm that offers TEMPEST courses and other services. The courses are only offered to students who have a security clearance. The interesting thing is the course books appear to be orderable by any U.S. citizen. TEMPEST Hardware Engineering and Design and TEMPEST Program Management and Systems Engineering, with over 800 pages of total material are available for $200. Southwest Research Institute (SwRI) performs TEMPEST and other testing. SystemWare Incorporated is another consulting company that offers TEMPEST consulting. Not much information at this site. TRW Specialized Services offers TEMPEST testing, both in the lab and field. This site has a nice Acrobat brochure that describes their services. Tecknit is one of the leaders in shielding products. They specialize in architectural shielding (copper coated doors, panels, etc.) and smaller gaskets and screens for electronic devices. A very informative site, with downloadable Acrobat catalogs. Tempest Inc. has been around for 11 years and produces TEMPEST standard hardware for the government and approved NATO countries. Their catalog isn't online, but as an example they offer an interesting Secure Voice Switching Unit that's used in USG executive aircraft. Not much technical information here. Wang Federal Systems (X) also sells TEMPEST rated hardware as well as performs testing. This site contains their product and services catalog. Some good information. Veda Inc. is a defense contractor who landed a 5.6 million dollar Navy contract for TEMPEST and COMSEC services. There's an interesting EMC-related site that has lots of job listings, many having to deal with TEMPEST. This is a good intelligence source. A truth in advertising note: Just because a piece of hardware is advertised as "designed to meet NACSIM 5100A" or "designed to meet TEMPEST standards" doesn't mean the device has gone through the rigorous TEMPEST certification process. "Real" TEMPEST hardware will clearly state it has been certified or endorsed. ~~~~~ US Government Information Sources Department of Energy (DOE) The Department of Energy is an extremely security conscious agency. A variety of their documents provide revealing glimpses of TEMPEST procedures. While not TEMPEST-specific, the DOE's Computer Incident Advisory Capability (CIAC) has an interesting document called CIAC-2304 Vulnerabilities of Facsimilie Machines and Digital Copiers (PDF format). In it, TEMPEST threats to FAX machines and copiers are briefly discussed. There are several papers referenced, including: * DOE 5639.6A, Classified Automated Information System Security Program, July 15, 1994 * DOE M 5639.6A-1, Manual of Security Requirements for the ClassifiedAutomated Information System Security Program, July 15, 1994 * DOE 5300.2D, Telecommunications: Emission Security (TEMPEST), August 30, 1993 The DOE's Safeguards and Security Central Training Academy also has some relevant classified training courses. The DOE apparently uses a company called DynCorp to perform internal TEMPEST assessments. National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) In the 1989 Annual Report of the National Computer System Security and Privacy Advisory Board, NIST stated that "TEMPEST is of lower priority in the private sector than other INFOSEC issues." It's fairly well known that NIST is influenced by the NSA, so this quote needs to be taken with a grain of salt. NIST has a list of accredited laboratories that perform MIL-STD-462 (electromagnetic interference) testing. Some of these also do TEMPEST testing. While a bit dated (1986), A GUIDELINE ON OFFICE AUTOMATION SECURITY has a few references to TEMPEST, as well as other computer security nuggets. Brief mention of the Industrial TEMPEST program as well as contacts (may be dated). National Security Agency (NSA) The NSA publishes something called the Information Systems Security Products and Services Catalogue (X). It contains a list of TEMPEST compliant hardware (as well as other approved security products). The cost of the catalog is $15 for a single copy or $34 for a yearly subscription (four issues). Requests for this document should be addressed directly to: The Superintendent of Documents U.S. Government Printing Office Washington, D.C. 20402 Unfortunately, several of the following classified documents can't be ordered: * "Tempest Fundamentals", NSA-82-89, NACSIM 5000, National Security Agency, February 1, 1982 (Classified). * "Guidelines for Facility Design and RED/BLACK Installation, NSA-82-90, NACSIM 5203, National Security Agency, June 30, 1982 (Classified). * "R.F. Shielded Enclosures for Communications Equipment: General Specification", Specification NSA No. 65-6, National Security Agency Specification, October 30, 1964. * "Tempest Countermeasures for Facilities Within the United States", National COMSEC Instruction, NACSI 5004, January 1984 (Secret). * "Tempest Countermeasures for Facilities Outside the United States", National COMSEC Instruction, NACSI 5005, January 1985 (Secret). * National Security Telecommunications and Information Systems Security Advisory Memorandum (NSTISSAM) TEMPEST/2-95, RED/BLACK Installation Guidance; 12 December 1995 State Department While it's not hard to guess, the State Department uses TEMPEST equipment in foreign embassies. There's a position called a Foreign Service Information Management Technical Specialist - Digital, that pays between $30,000 to $38,000 a year. The ideal candidate should have a knowledge of TEMPEST standards as well as the ability to repair crypto hardware. Along with cryptography, the export of TEMPEST standard hardware or devices for suppressing emanations is restricted by the International Traffic in Arms Regulations (ITAR). However, there is an exception in that: "This definition is not intended to include equipment designed to meet Federal Communications Commission (FCC) commercial electro-magnetic interference standards or equipment designed for health and safety." ~~~~~ US Military Information Sources Part of the government's mandate to reduce costs is to make information available online. While the average user doesn't have access to Milnet or Intelink, there are a variety of unclassified, military sources on the Internet that directly or indirectly relate to TEMPEST standards. Jargon alert. You'll sometimes see references to RED/BLACK systems. A red system is any device that stores or transfers classified data. Black systems store/transfer unclassified data. Gee, with all of the black projects and helicopters around these days, I would have thought it would be the other way around. U.S. Navy The Navy seems to be a further ahead then the other services in putting content online, including: Chapter 16 of the Navy's AUTOMATED INFORMATION SYSTEMS SECURITY GUIDELINES manual is devoted to emanations security (X). Probably the most interesting section in this chapter deals with conducting a TEMPEST Vulnerability Assessment Request (TVAR). Completing the TVAR questionnaire provides some common sense clues as to how electronic security could be compromised. Chapter 21 of the same manual deals with microcomputer security. Section 21.8 Emanations Security, reads: "TEMPEST accreditation must be granted for all microcomputers which will process classified data, prior to actually processing the data. Your security staff should be aware of this and submit the TEMPEST Vulnerability Assessment Request (TVAR) to COMNISCOM. Microcomputers may be able to comply with TEMPEST requirements as a result of a TEMPEST telephone consultation, as permitted by COMNISCOM. Contact the Naval Electronic Security Engineering Center (NESSEC) for further information to arrange a TEMPEST telephone consultation. Use of a secure phone may be required and your request will be followed with written guidance." This leads one to believe that certain PC systems may not be as susceptible as others to emanations monitoring. C5293-05 TEMPEST Control Officer Guidebook - "Provides guidance to the individual assigned responsibility for TEMPEST implementation at a major activity." Unfortunately, not online, and likely classified. NISE East Information Warfare-Protect Systems Engineering Division (Information Warfare-Protect Systems Engineering Division - Code 72) puts on a couple of TEMPEST related training courses, including "Tempest Criteria for System/Facility Installation" and "Tempest Fundamentals." These are targeted toward Department of Defense personnel and civilian contractors who must comply with TEMPEST standards as part of their business. "The Reduction of Radio Noise Eminating from Personal Computers" is a thesis topic at the Department of Electrical Engineering, Naval Postgraduate School. U.S. Air Force The Air Force's Rome Laboratory has produced a variety of interesting defense related systems. Some developments likely related to TEMPEST include: * In 1961 the Electromagnetic Vulnerability Laboratory was established. * In terms of emanation monitoring, circa 1965 - 70, a Wullenweber antenna (called the "elephant's cage") is reputed to have done an excellent job of retrieving stray signals. While hardly a portable device, it does suggest the military was actively pursuing emanation monitoring during this period. * In 1964, Rome developed the AN/MSM-63 Electromagnetic Measurement Van (no information as to whether it just served a testing function, or could be used for surveillance). * In June of 1965, RADC a lightweight (350-pound) electromagnetic surveillance antenna was developed that was operationally equivalent or better than systems that were up to ten times larger and heavier. During that same year considerable progress was made in the area of reducing vulnerability to electromagnetic interference. Mr Woodrow W. Everett, Jr. was among personnel recognized for technological improvements in wave guides, electronic tube components, and greater electronic compatibility. Other Air Force documents: * "Ground-based Systems EMP Design Handbook", AFWL-NTYCC-TN-82-2, Air Force Weapons Laboratory, February 1982. * "Systems Engineering Specification 77-4, 1842 EEG SES 77-4", Air Force Communications Command, January 1980. U.S. Army The U.S. Army Information Systems Engineering Command is headquartered at Fort Huachuca, Arizona. The Fort engages in a variety of spook-related activities. One of the classified documents that is referenced is: * AR 380-19-1, Control of Compromising Emanations; 4 September 1990 The Army Corps of Engineers released a publication called "Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) and TEMPEST Protection for Facilities" (X) EP1110-3-2, in December 1990 (unclassified). This is a treasure trove of information related to shielding buildings. (Thanks to John Young for digitizing parts of this massive document.) The Army Corps of Engineers, Construction Engineering Research Laboratories, has also been experimenting with low cost TEMPEST shielding technologies. Some revealing tidbits are described in their fact sheet. The Army's White Sands Missle Range has a Test Support Division that does TEMPEST testing as well as other things. An interesting photo of the inside and outside of a test truck is shown. The Army's Blacktail Canyon (X) EMI/TEMPEST facility at Ft. Huachuca (spook-related location in Arizona), recently put up a Web page, with lots of interesting info. Department of Defense The Department of Defense's Defense Technical Information Center has information regarding the Collaborative Computing Tools Working Group (representatives from private sector and the intelligence and defense communities). The CWG put together some TEMPEST recommendations for video-conferencing products. >From a post to the Cypherpunks list in April of 1994, by Steve Blasingame: An overview of TEMPEST can be found in DCA (Defense Communications Agency) Circular 300-95-1, available from your nearest Federal Documents Depository / Government Library. The section of interest in is Volume 2, DCS Site and Building Information, sections SB4 & SB5, (Grounding,Shielding,HEMP). SB5 though not directly covering RFI/RF Emanation is devoted to shielding for high altitude electromagnetic pulse radiation (HEMP). The documents discuss Earth Electrode Systems, Fault Protection Systems, Lightning Protection Systems, Signal Reference Systems, and RFI containment, they also briefly discusses radio signal containment (TEMPEST) as well. This is a must-read for anyone wishing to keep their bits to themselves. Discussions of testing and validation methods are not discussed in the unclassified documents. I have included the references to the Secret/Classified documents for the sake of completeness. It is possible that some of them are by now de-classified, or may be requested through FOIA. DA Pamphlet 73-1, Part One, 16 Oct 1992 (DRAFT) (X) is an obscure document that discusses survivability and mission performance of military systems. The interesting thing in this pamphlet is a fairly detailed description of the military's Blacktail Canyon facility. Other Defense Department documents: * MIL-STD-188-124, "Grounding, Bonding, and Shielding for Common Long Haul/Tactical Communication Systems", U.S. Dept. of Defense, June 14, 1978. * MIL-HDBK-419, "Grounding, Bonding, and Shielding for Electronic Equipments and Facilities", U.S. Dept. of Defense, July 1, 1981. * "Physical Security Standards for Sensitive Compartmented Information Facilities (SCIF), Manual No. 50-3 Defense Intelligence Agency (For Official Use Only), May 2, 1980. * "Design Practices for High Altitude Electromagnetic Pulse (HEMP) Protection", Defense Communications Agency, June 1981. * "EMP Engineering Practices Handbook", NATO File No. 1460-2, October 1977 ~~~~~ Other Countries The US isn't the only one playing the TEMPEST game. Here's some additional sources from various countries. Canada COMMUNICATIONS SECURITY ESTABLISHMENT PUBLICATIONS * COMSEC Installation Planning (TEMPEST Guidance and Criteria) (CID/09/7A), 1983, (English only)(Confidential) * Criteria for the Design, Fabrication, Supply, Installation and Acceptance Testing of Walk- In Radio Frequency Shielded Enclosures (CID/09/12A)(Unclassified) UK The British Central Computer and Telecommunications Agency publishes a variety of computer security titles including: * TEMPEST: The Risk (Restricted) CCTA Library 0 946683 22 0 1989 ~~~~~ Used TEMPEST TEMPEST shielded computer equipment sometimes leaks out into the public in the form of surplus and scrap sales. This section is devoted to descriptions. JC describes two shielded IBM PC cases he picked up from a scrap dealer for $35 each (unfortunately they had already sold the printers and monitors). The cases were labeled EMR XT SYSTEM UNIT (on the front), with a model number of 4455 1 (on the back). The cases are similar to a standard IBM XT case, except depper toward the back, so a filter bank and power supply baffle could be installed. The top is bolted down, requiring an allen wrench to remove. The top part of the case has a gasket groove for the brass colored RF gasket, and the mating surface is a finished in anodized aluminum. The top appears to be a cast aluminum plate. Each of the ports in the rear has a filter, unused ports have a metal blocking cover that mates to the case and make a good eletrical contact. W.J. Ford Surplus Enterprises had the following printer for sale in December 1996: LASER PRINTER Make:MITEK Model:100T 300 X 300 DPI LASER PRINTER WITH LETTER SIZE PAPER TRAY, 8 PPM, MEETS NACSIM TEMPEST SPECS, C.W. OWNER'S MANUAL (TONER CARTRIDGE NOT INCL.) Dimensions: 19.00"w x 16.00"h x 16.50"d 1.00 on hand, No Graphic on file, Item No.:1208 RAMP Price: $ 250.00 As of February 8, 1997, Dark Tanget (of DEFCON fame) has a whole collection of TEMPEST shielded equipment for sale. Check out his page (X) for complete info and photos. Lots of great details and specs. Note: I personally don't own or have access to any surplus TEMPEST equipment. However, if you've encountered such hardware, let me know about it. ~~~~~ Non-TEMPEST computer surveillance In researching TEMPEST topics, sometimes I run into little-known tidbits that relate to possible computer surveillance techniques. Infrared Ports The Department of Energy Information Systems Security Plan has an interesting section titled, 8.5 Wireless Communications (Infrared Ports). It states: "The use of wireless communications (infrared) ports found on most PPCs to interface with printers and other peripheral devices is strictly forbidden when processing classified information. These ports must be disabled on all accredited PPCs and peripherals by covering the window with a numbered security seal or physically removing the infrared transmitter." ~~~~~ Disclaimer: I've never been involved with the TEMPEST community, had a security clearance for TEMPEST, or have access to classified material relating to TEMPEST. The information on this page is completely derived from publicly available, unclassified sources. revision history 12/17/96 - original document 12/18/96 - added link to van Eck follow-up article, shielding comments 12/21/96 - reorganization and additional comments about Rome Lab, ZONE, DOE, non-TEMPEST 12/22/96 - added Smulders paper 01/02/97 - added Compliance Engineering, additional NIST, Navy, Canada, Used, and paper sources 01/08/97 - added UK, patents 01/11/97 - added DA Pamphlet 73-1/Blacktail test facility, Army, COMPUTERWOCHE, EMC, HAL, Austest, Racal, Compucat, Nisshinbo 02/02/97 - added Naval Postgraduate School, EMC FAQ, DynCorp, Conductive Coatings, GEC Marconi, CorCom, AFC, Corps of Engineers, Ford Surplus, GTE, ECM job list, White Sands, Cortron, SwRI, Veda, Emcon 02/14/97 - added DEFCON goodies to Used 02/18/97 - added Redefining Security report, Lynwood 03/10/97 - added Datastop glass to shielding section 03/21/97 - added Moller paper (from Phrack 44) 03/26/97 - added Army Corps of Engineers pub, Elfinco, recommended Xs 04/12/97 - added Computerwoche translation 06/09/97 - added Blacktail page, Framatome Connectors International 07/02/97 - added JMK special thanks to John Young for his relentless pursuit of information and archival prowess Copyright 1996,1997 Joel McNamara {}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} ************************************************************************ AN INQUIRY INTO A SAMPLE OF VERNACULAR PHILOSOPHY: THE APHORISMS OF YOGI BERRA by Paul Laurendeau ************************************************************************ Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler Albert EINSTEIN NOTE: the following piece IS NOT ABOUT BASEBALL. However, it benefited from the baseball expertise, as well as from the documentation wizardness, intellectual uplift, debating sagacity, friendship, and love of the following York University colleagues: Walter GIESBRECHT, Igor KUSYSZYN, James PORTER, Laura PIETROPAOLO, Louise RIPLEY, Martin (Marty) THOMAS, Ildiko TROTT, Fredric WEIZMANN and John WILLOUGHBY. It was generated in the heat of a series of stormy exchanges on the York University professor's Trade Union Electronic Mail Line: the glorious YUFA-L. As almost always in matters directly or indirectly related to the noble sport played on the diamantŽ diamond, I benefited from thorough speculative and elevated discussions with my own old man, RŽal LAURENDEAU (an all times fan of the MontrŽal EXPOS and direct witness of a fair amount of Yogi BERRA's verbal and non verbal achievements). The responsibility of the positions formulated here is, of course, exclusively and integrally mine. In the wake of our investigation of every aspects of spicy and odoriferous facets of philosophy creeping around contemporary culture at the turn of the millennium, I want to offer the present intervention to every intellectual dandy who makes fun of Yogi BERRA's thought, and sees in it the vague and unarticulated eructations of some tobacco chewing infantile moron in an old fashioned baseball pyjama. I wish also to flamboyantly commemorate my recent access to the English logia of the Berraian aphorisms that I had initially sampled in vernacular French, during my bumpy childhood in MontrŽal, and that I constantly tended to retranslate toward English, in a manner that Yogi would certainly have somewhat understood if not approved. The present observations are grounded in a series of postulates that hysterical intellectualists, elitist scholastic pen pushers, and other academic megateriums of that type may not approve but that you, Nihilo-Fountainers, may at least relate to if not integrally already be aware of: 1) Philosophy is not a strictly scholarly intellectual activity. It manifests itself in the totality of the population under several forms. GRAMSCI wrote to that effect that folklore and language themselves were very rich sources revealing the philosophical representations of popular wisdom. I will designate here by the name of BERRAISMS these short statements, called in the philosophical jargon aphorisms, pronounced, or believed to have been pronounced, by the renowned former catcher of the New-York Yankees in his career as player or as sport analyst. A good amount of these BERRAISMS have reached in North America the level of collective proverbs or mottoes, and if the man is a mere idiot, I, for one, would love to be the type of idiot to the perorations of whom three or four web pages are already consecrated (see biblio). 2) Philosophical statements, i.e. statements reaching the fundamentals of existence, can manifest themselves DESPITE the conscious will of their subjective authors. One could quote several examples of that phenomenon. Let just mention one among millions. The movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III is certainly the last cultural product where one would expect the manifestation of any philosophical debate whatsoever. Nevertheless, by the end of that contemporary "masterpiece", the turtle Michelangelo, who is in love with the woman who leads a peasant revolt in 17th century Japan, has to leave her for ever, for reasons that he does not clearly understand. At the last possible moment, he gives her his numchucks as a souvenir, and just before joining the other turtles and April O'Neil to time-travel back to 20th century New-York, he screams in the thunder: "Destiny, what a trash! [sic]" Question: is this statement denying the existence of destiny by "trashing" it or, by going back to his own time and assuming what he has to be, does Michelangelo not accept his "destiny" despite the fact that he judges it as being pure ethical garbage. Is the notion of "destiny" denied or confirmed here? Complex issue grounded in a highly complex philosophical debate, integrally shifted here by an ambivalent Yogi BERRA-like formulation. More complex: do you think an intellectual pigmy as Michelangelo or/and his close relative, the author of the movie's script, were directly aware of the complex philosophical ramifications of such a statement? No. And no. The claim here is that Yogi BERRA, the baseball catcher, produced very solid philosophical aphorisms just the way Michelangelo, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, did, i.e. the same way Yogi BERRA, the sport analyst, provided fine pieces of humor, and possibly the same way Yogi BERRA, the batter, even provided homeruns: without really knowing it at a fully conscious level. 3) We will assume that we are dealing here with a thinker who has no scholarly instruction of any sort. We all know the story: BERRA did not go to school, he was of modest origin, did not speak English at home in his childhood, etc... So did CŽline DION, by the way, and the philosophical heritage she will let us is probably doomed to be far more tiny than the one we owe to Yogi, but that is another gig. ALTHUSSER introduced in other circumstances the notion of "spontaneous philosophy" to describes sets of philosophical representations learned at school, forgotten, and then popping back in the mind of a public personality (for example renowned scientists such as Jean ROSTAND or Desmond MORRIS), writing a philosophy book or his or her autobiography with the candid belief of producing an original system of thoughts. Such is not the case here. Yogi BERRA can in no way be suspected to regurgitate remnants of ideas or philosophical representations read in the books of some mysterious scholarly grand-uncle or teacher. The integrality of his philosophical thought is the direct product of his personal activity of speculation on his own practical life. In his case, the notion of Vernacular philosophy, is far more accurate than the Althusserian idea of a "spontaneous philosophy". What is vernacular is what is "from around", from our ordinary environment, from the natural and social surrounding, from the chitchat with the bozo next door, from that part of the universe so deeply immersed in banality that we eventually even forget to notice it. The claim here is that there is nothing "spontaneous" (in the Althusserian and ordinary sense) in BERRA's aphorisms, that they are the sophisticated produce of a mere and thorough reflection on the social and natural world, but a casual, colloquial, ordinary, unnoticed one. 4) We will assume that BERRA's thought is not exclusively speculative but solidly grounded and generated in Praxis, i.e. practical action as a mode of existence. Yogi's thought emerges out of the praxis of a highly dialectical sport, or game: baseball, that he understood thoroughly in all its logical and strategic ramifications. Things are like that in our class societies. Nobody would hesitate to recognize that a noble game such as chess involves a thorough amount of logical aptitudes. But to see Yogi BERRA as the KASPAROV of the green diamond appears quite more difficult to conceptualize for certain narrow elitist minds. The claim here is that the geometrically inductive, probabilistic hypothetico-deductive, and algorithmic implicative elements involved in the mental activity related to the practice of baseball contributed to bring BERRA to a level of dialectical consciousness definitely unequaled in popular culture. But also, in the case of BERRAISMS, the dialectics coming from social existence itself will have a significative role to play in his set of philosophical representations. I repeat, his thought is fundamentally non-speculative: he does not ask questions (only one of the BERRAISMS studied here is interrogative) or explore hypothesis. He rather makes generic descriptive assertions and prospective axiological recommendations. 5) We will mean by dialectics here, to the exclusion of any other definition (specially the shitty definition given by straight tacky dusty philosophy: "argumentation" or "argumentative development") the notion of the REALITY OF CONTRADICTION AS THE INNER FUNDAMENTAL CHARACTERISTICS OF EXISTENCE. For example everybody will accept that there is no death without life, that a non living being like a pebble or my watch can in no way die. The dialectics here is in the IDENTITY of these two opposed poles: the fact that we are living IS the fact that we are dying. To live is to die. It is a contradiction and a fact at the same time. The contradictory formulation of BERRAISMS is one of the main source of their oddness, including their apparently ridiculous aspect. But it is a widely acknowledged fact in the modern philosophical tradition that dialectics is ridiculous to the eyes of gross common sense. It is the twisted and bizarre consciousness of the apparently naive clown. 6) The language issue has to be also dealt with as a preliminary. From several comments heard here and there, I am forced to notice that BERRAISMS are spontaneously explained by the "language abilities" of the thinker. His problem with English, due to the fact that he spoke only Italian in his childhood, would be supposedly at the origin of the peculiar formulation of the aphorisms. That type of belief is fucking ethnocentrist garbage and could already be trashed as such. But, furthermore, I want to firmly insist on the fact that the majority of BERRAISMS are translated very easily into another language (French is my example) with absolutely no loss of their content and their strange flavor. It is not the case for the totality of them. Here is an example of an obviously linguistic case: Interviewer: Why, you're a fatalist? Yogi BERRA: You mean I save postage stamps? No. Not me!". The paronymic parallel fatalist/philatelist is obvious here and the humorous effect is coming from that strict play on the words. These cases must be considered marginal in the totality of the corpus of aphorisms available. Because of their minimal philosophical dimension, we will not address them here. 7) The issue here is about THOUGHT, not language. Let observe first that the majority of BERRA's aphorisms involves the manifestation of either an oxymoron or a tautology. An oxymoron is a virulent contradiction in terms, for example when he says: A nickel isn't worth a dime today. A tautology is a virulent redundancy in terms, for example when he says: I take a two hour nap between 1 PM and 3 PM. Looked at superficially, oxymorons and tautologies seem absurd simply because of the blatant aggression they represent to our sacrosanct common sense. We will try to demonstrate here that Yogi BERRA's philosophical intervention is actually to be seen as a deep and constant subversion of the simplistic idea of what EVIDENCE (verbally formulated in the tautology) or CONTRADICTION (verbally formulated in the oxymoron) simply are. 8) The English corpus analyzed here is, as the immense majority of BERRAISMS, completely apocryphal. I simply mean by that that when an aphorism of Yogi BERRA is quoted, no specific sources are ever provided, and that often the same aphorism is quoted slightly differently. Furthermore, the border is often tiny between aphorisms of Yogi BERRA, and aphorisms ˆ la Yogi BERRA, which are actually coming either from another baseball player, or from the bozo next door... We are dealing here less with Mister Citizen BERRA's effective recorded statements than with their reflection (and distortions) in popular culture. We are working on a logia, in the standard hermeneutic sense, namely a fluctuating and diverse set of oral and written variations coming from several sources with no specific authorship firmly defined, but joined together by a coherence and a consistency that the contemporary tradition associated to the name of Yogi BERRA. The GodAssLickers and MotherMaryFuckers who are still reading me have certainly enough composure to stand a comparison with the gospel according to, say, Saint LUKE. The saint in that case did not sit on his butt and write the story of his souvenirs!. It is rather a stream of anonymous sources that have been gathered by the exegetic tradition under the name of that historical or mythical figure. The name Saint LUKE itself rather operates as a sort of label, than as the signature of some author. A logia then is mainly depending upon the good (and bad) faith of a buzzing crowd of diversely reliable "witnesses", compilators, doxographers, chroniclers and other reporters of multiple complexions and with disparate objectives and priorities. Variations are then unavoidable. In the specific case of Yogi BERRA's statements, we frequently observe the existence of two versions of the same aphorism, existing in formulations that are different enough to force critical hermeneutic choices. The issue of the critical intervention here is NOT TO TRY TO CLARIFY WHAT YOGI REALLY SAID . That would be historiographic rather than hermeneutic. Yogi's effective biography is less at stake here than the collective philosophical heritage associated to his name, so let just forget about what he really said or even meant: we simply don't give a shit about it here. The issue at stake is rather to compare the two versions of the logia available and observe the logical (rather then chronological).link that connects them. Doing this with the BERRAISMS that are presented to our collective memory in two versions, we are struck to notice that one version is always more clownish, silly, absurd or ridiculous than another. We will develop that observation on one example: the renowned anecdote of the pizza cut in pieces. There are (at least!) two versions of the logia: Yogi ordered a pizza. The waitress asked: "How many pieces do you want your pie cut?" Yogi responded: "4, I don't think I could eat 8." You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I am not hungry enough to eat six. Of these two versions we have in hand, the clownishized version is obviously the second one. In that second version the ridiculous culminates, since I am not hungry enough blatantly eliminates all possibilities of dialectical complexity in the interpretation of the statement. Furthermore the relation between the number 6 and the number 4, formulated in that version, is far more silly and awkward than the straightforward divisive relation between 4 and 8, appearing in the non clownishized version. In that clownishized case, one have the impression that the author of that statement was reacting like these young children who believe that a glass with a smaller volume capacity but which is higher actually contains more liquid than a glass less high but with a bigger volume capacity. The baseball champion ends up looking as if he had the empirical grasp of surface qualitative geometry of a pre- school tot! Ha, ha, ha very funny... Now, if we inquiry into the non clownishized version of the logia, one observe that the obvious and the ridiculous is suddenly not so blatant: I don't think I could eat 8 is far more complex to interpret in that context. Everything goes here as if after a while, some elements of the subtle thought of Yogi BERRA get eventually degenerated into gross jokes by their putting in circulation in popular culture. Yogi is somewhat treated as the dunce of the class who says silly things we are making fun of, and when these silly things are not funny enough when we repeat them to each others, we embellish them! That postulates of course that the clownishized version comes AFTER the non clownishized one. As mentioned already, there is no tangible proof supporting that. Another hypothesis, then, would be that, oppositively, the gross elements of his initial childish thought would become complexified by the filter of the collective intervention of inspired and modest anonymous doxographers. I have my strong doubts about that second possibility: Yogi BERRA is not mythified in our culture as a philosopher but rather as a verbal clown. A clown is what our collective consciousness tends to make him become. Whichever arrived the first of the clownishized or non clownishized version, we have to assume that both of them are there, floating around. In the present argumentation, the non clownishized version (owed to either Yogi or to some witty anonymous compilator) will generally be the one considered for its philosophical content. In the case of the pizza aphorism we have at a certain moment to stop to laugh an to begin to meditate a bit on the multiple significative facets of a statement such as I don't think I could eat 8... 9) Finally, despite these delicate problems of interpretation, associated among other things to the absence of any valid "official" source for that type of philosophical phenomenon, it is possible to say that there is something a huge amount of North-American ordinary vernacular thinkers as you and me will unmistakably recognize as the BERRA touch. It is that je ne sais quoi that brings us to eventually stop to say AS YOGI BERRA SAID, quoting a limited corpus of statements, and begin to say AS YOGI BERRA WOULD HAVE SAID, relying on our own original and autonomous "generative grammar" of BERRAISMS. This very original flavor of BERRAISMS, their specific articulation equal to none, that doomed several aphorisms that where not even of BERRA himself to irresistibly become satellites of this thinker's very peculiar intellectual intervention, should reach your nostril the minute I will summarize the philosophical ramifications of the immensely intriguing aphorisms "of" BERRA. DOCTRINE OF KNOWLEDGE (GNOSEOLOGY) An important amount of the reflection contained in BERRAISMS is about the inner contradictions of knowledge, more precisely, of understanding in the sense of classical rationalist philosophy: YOU CAN OBSERVE A LOT JUST BY WATCHING YOU CAN SEE A LOT BY OBSERVING The logia fluctuates here, but in that case, both versions provide the same level of philosophical dept. Strongly influenced by scholarly thought, the doctrine of knowledge of modern culture tends to value the virtues of practical experimentation over simple contemplative observation. That orientation in the tradition is rooted in DESCARTES and the Cartesian continuation. But in the 18th century, DIDEROT and a series of materialist philosophers called the naturalist materialists tried to demonstrate that strict observation, if performed with no prejudice, could supersede experimentation, specially if that one is biased by a priori conceptualizations and prejudices, of the type of the one DESCARTES and his disciples had a tendency to entertain. Furthermore, in certain sciences, for example astronomy, observation was the only procedure of apprehension available. Here, fundamentally in the debate between DESCARTES and DIDEROT on the activity of knowledge, Yogi opts for the ideas put forward by DIDEROT, the naturalist materialist, who analyzed in detail the virtues of simple observation with the senses. This is solidly in objection with the Cartesianist position that lionizes the virtues of experimentation over mere observation. The conscience of objecting to a dominant idea is present in the tone of the aphorism. Yogi speaks here, knowing that he is not saying something everybody will spontaneously agree with. But as a good catcher always knows, the virtues of simple observation of every corner of the field are to be reconsidered in modern culture. The tremendous capacity of millions of fans, gathered since almost a century in stadiums big as canyons, to focus their attention and cognitive activity on the arabesques of a flying object of the size of a fist tends to support such an opinion! HOW CAN YOU THINK AND HIT AT THE SAME TIME? Notice the (rare) interrogative formulation of that one. The incapacity for the performer to produce his acting out, was formulated in its radicality by the behaviorist psychologists but is already well in place in the empiricist and rationalist tradition. You cannot act and observe yourself acting at the same time. Try that on skis! Look at yourself skiing while skiing. You will end up with your face printed in the mountain. Now our attention here should also focus on the interrogative formulation of the aphorism. Yogi is not saying that it is merely impossible to think and act at the same time. Such an affirmative formulation would tend to reduce us to either mechanical automates, or speculative fly-floating minds, two options that are not the ones we read here. Yogi does not split the mind and the body, on the contrary. What we read here is that the simultaneity of thinking and acting, or more precisely of speculating a forecast and successfully acting (one can assume that hit here excludes the strikes!), is a problem, a difficult issue on which a constant interrogation is to be entertained. IT'S PRETTY FAR, BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT One of the prominent British materialist philosopher, BACON, compared the sensitive perception to an uneven mirror. A mirror, since sensible perception provides a somewhat accurate image of reality. Uneven, since that image is not integrally accurate: there are distortions, alterations, deformations of the perception. The empiricist BERKELEY developed that dialectics with his meditation on the color of the clouds. At the end of the day, the clouds are pink, but what is actually pink? The sun, the sky, the clouds themselves? Change your position, or let the sun slowly go down and the color seems to vanish. Where was it exactly? Hard to say. The perception is distorted. This aphorism of Yogi is nothing other than reality seen through BACON's uneven mirror. It is BERKELEY's color of the clouds, interpreted in a materialist orientation. The distinction to establish, between what the understanding grasps and what the objective reality is effectively, forces us to oppose what it is to what it seems to be. Rather a materialist ˆ la BACON than an agnosticist ˆ la BERKELEY or KANT however, Yogi has a claim on what the reality is behind its appearances. He claims that despite what it seems, we have a possibility to know that it is at a distance different from what our perception provides. A solid non- empiricist stand: the mirror of our perception is uneven but it is still a mirror. YOU GET TO BE CAREFUL IF YOU don't KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING, BECAUSE YOU MIGHT NOT GET THERE Yogi acknowledges the possibility to know reality despite the distortions of the appearances. But he does not fall in objectivist phenomenism either. You cannot just let yourself be carried on the river of existence without monitoring the situation, as objectivist phenomenism would suggest... Knowledge is a factor and can be the crucial one. The link between knowledge and action is solid in every gnoseological aphorisms we owe to Yogi, but specially in this one: you can not rely only on the inner movement of the world. Lose consciousness of what is going on, and your objective action can be jeopardized. It is not enough to take the train, you have to know where the train goes. This aphorism shows the huge importance Yogi gives to the THOUGHT OF THE ACTIVE SUBJECT in the global process of our knowledge of the objective movement of the world. THIS IS LIKE DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN And here is PLATO, less stinky than usually. the Platonicist gnoseology claims that everything we know is actually something we remember, that every single action brings back all the configuration of our spiritual halo. Taste the Freudian flavor too of that aphorism: a fugitive memory is there somewhere in my subconscious self, again!. Yogi could not avoid to have a doctrine of such fugitive subconscious knowledge (and subconscious philosophy!), since he was involved in the praxis of a game existing as a permanent reiterated contradictory connection between the reality of innovative actions and sets of preconfigurated patterns and rules. After the virtues of observations, it is the virtues of integral memory (all over) and the integration of pre-established sub-conscious patterns that are lionized here. Yogi operates with a quite elaborated cognitive theory... ITS TOUGH TO MAKE PREDICTIONS, SPECIALLY ABOUT THE FUTURE Here comes dialectics. Stop to laugh and face the flat logical consequences of that aphorism: predictions can be done about something other than the future. Let try to understand that contradiction. First, prediction can be done about the past quite simply, as in Here he comes! I predict you that he will have forgotten to phone Mary. One may not think about it immediately, busy as one are laughing, but it is quite straightforward... and the easiest to do, according to Yogi. Now what about predictions about the present? So contradictory! Well, let us try to understand the fact (painful for our common sense, but scientifically demonstrated by Einstein) that time varies when speed varies. The subjectivity of Yogi BERRA, as the one of any baseball player, lives the most intense peeks of its mental activity in an endless reiteration of brief instants. Between the moment the pitcher pitches and the moment you strike or catch, there is a short, so short distance that no, you cannot call that the future. And it is on that infinitesimal hiatus between two moments that the most intensive activity of prediction of a baseball batter or catcher is doomed to flourish. You eventually end up knowing for a flat objective fact, when your praxis develops itself in such a universe, that the present has absolutely no stability whatsoever, and that, contrarily to what common sense believes, prediction applies to it as well, because speed alterates time. Other than Einstein, only the antique Greek dialectician HERACLITUS expressed such a sharp consciousness of the fluency of the time process. Then, since that fundamentally fugitive present moment is already difficult to predict about, just imagine what the future, distant, tangled and complex as it appears from the home base, can be... IN BASEBALL, YOU don't KNOW NOTHING In that highly dialectical formulation, there are two opposite interpretations possible: IT IS NOT TRUE THAT IN BASEBALL YOU KNOW NOTHING i.e. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING YOU KNOW ABOUT IT. And IT IS NOT TRUE THAT IN BASEBALL YOU KNOW SOMETHING i.e. IN BASEBALL YOU don't KNOW ANYTHING, in that second case with a use by Yogi of what grammarians stigmatize under the name "double negation". Ha, Ha, Ha, Poor Yogi! Well, there is no fooling around to be done here. We have to choke our laugh again, and peacefully accept the simultaneous co- existence of both significations. Doing so, we are in front of a brilliant double entendre providing a highly original solution to nothing other than the sharpest gnoseological debate between the two strongest philosophers of modern times: KANT and HEGEL. The agnosticist doctrine of knowledge of KANT could be summarized as follows: IN EXISTENCE, YOU KNOW NOTHING, it is simply not possible to have an exact knowledge of the fundamental of things, any belief in actual knowledge is a mere illusion. "How do you know that?" answers HEGEL, If you are wrong, your collapse is obvious, and if you are right the statement YOU KNOW NOTHING is something true you know about knowledge and yourself!!! Arrange it the way you want, you are forced to admit that IN EXISTENCE, YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING! You are aware of something, even if it is only of the effective existence of your flat ignorance of anything else. And the minute you know a bit, that knowledge can decrease, or increase! These two positions of KANT and HEGEL, the result of the most fundamental and crucial debate of modern philosophy on knowledge, are both partially true... and are both amalgamated, and consequently given dialectical (co-)existence, in an aphorism of Yogi BERRA! Furthermore, the speculative dimension of the KANT/HEGEL debate is replaced here by the thinking concrete, since the claim is not made about EXISTENCE but about a fragment of it: BASEBALL. DOCTRINE OF ACTION (PRAXIS) Here we will have to face a problem of semantics that concerns the illusion of tautology. Like some of the previous ones, every aphorisms concerning praxis postulate a crucial concrete distinction between two notions that our lazy common sense and unilateral sense of humor strongly tend to consider synonyms. Yogi, when he is formulating his doctrine of action and activities, sees things that we miss, grasps notional distinctions that escape us. And our missing of it takes the form of the tautological impression we experiment when we look superficially at the aphorisms of his doctrine of action. Let enter the core of the logico- semantic subtleties of BERRAISMS. IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET A CONVERSATION GOING, EVERYBODY WAS TALKING TOO MUCH To talk and to have a conversation is not the same thing. It is again a matter of instant versus length. Contemporary pragmaticians and specialists of communication are still working on the development of that one. Dialectics is still present: it is the accumulations of conversation attempts that make them all fail. Nobody who went once to a crowded bar can deny the empirical accuracy of the statement. Furthermore, a complete hypothesis on the qualitative status to be given to a quantitative multiplicity of unfocused diverse actions is provided here. NOBODY GETS THERE ANYMORE, ITS TOO CROWDED This one is for business people. It is Yogi's understanding of the law of qualitative shifting in market tendencies. There is an infinitesimal moment where that aphorism applies and the restaurant is in bankruptcy quickly after. Fast shift between the couple knowledge/action and facts. Again (on time) very Einsteinian and Heraclitean. IF YOU CAN'T IMITATE HIM. don't COPY HIM To imitate and to copy is not the same thing. You can copy a Scottish whisky or a French patŽ without managing to actually imitate it. How can any serious thinker in an industrial society, where MILTON becomes paperback, where PICASSO becomes posters, and where JETHRO TULL becomes muzak, possibly dare to make fun of such a subtle and true statement. The first one presented here to be prescriptive rather than descriptive, by the way. Almost all the others are simply descriptive, since, in conformity with his gnoseology, Yogi observes the world. But here he does more, he has a say on what one should avoid to do: craft an incomplete identification, provide a pale carbon copy. Yogi considers that inefficient praxis... I MADE A WRONG MISTAKE There are right mistakes and wrong mistakes. This is very baseball, very deep, and very Brechtian: Hey, Mister K, what are you doing. Nothing special. simply preparing my next mistake. Some mistakes reconfigure a complete situation an turn out finally as being "good" ones. Somebody who never said; "Lucky I missed that train: that is the way we met" do not really know the crucial distinction between right and wrong mistakes. May I add as a corollary that we meet here for the first time the negation of negation as a crucial qualitative distinction. So very Hegelian and Marxian of you, Yogi. DOCTRINE OF OBJECTIVE EXISTENCE (ONTOLOGY) Often related to the doctrine of knowledge (which constitute the core of the system, no surprise in vernacular philosophy, the intellectual environment of the self-educated!), and to the doctrine of action, Yogi BERRA's ontology is once again eminently dialectical. 90% OF THE PUTTS THAT ARE SHORT DON'T GO IN The problem raised here is the one of the non-empirical dimension of correlations. I will assume a unique field of application to that aphorism: golf. If we follow the logic suggested here, the complement of that one is that 10% of the putts that are short actually go in. For Yogi then, the fact of being short or long for a putt is not directly correlated to the entrance or the non entrance of the ball in the hole. It can be defined on other criterias: size of the links, force of the player, average measurements, whatever else that he thinks about in his analysis. For our common sense here, short is unavoidably an empirically correlated concept. It ends up meaning shorter than needed (to enter a specific hole). We are trapped in the pragmaticist conception of the TV watcher, who wants the ball in the hole period, with no further cognitive consequence than to see it fall at its place. After all, we are not slumped in front of our TV to think, let keep that idea in mind, even if it lays there alone. Yogi has another perspective. For him short is defined with non-empirical preconfigurated criterias that are correlated to each others but independent from the local movement of the ball on the green. His approach is the one of an axiomatized rationality. He is not the type to improvise ad hoc definitions in matters as crucial as qualitative surface geometry. His set of definitions preexists with a systemic stability to his specific comment on existence, just like the axioms in the Ethics of SPINOZA. I WANT TO THANK ALL THOSE WHO MADE THAT NIGHT NECESSARY It would have been so simpler to remain unnoticed, stick to the standard clichŽ formulation and say ...POSSIBLE. But how come Yogi replaced here that prominent category of modal logic by its direct opposite. Formal logic puts classically the couple POSSIBLE/NECESSARY as antinomic. In the present aphorism by replacing one by the other, Yogi puts them as parasynonymic. Arrange it the way you want, the NECESSARY appears here as an intensive of the POSSIBLE. Literally the stronger possible possible. HEGEL used to say that the necessity was the result of the unfolding of possibles. Yogi obviously echoes that dialectics with the highly dialectical notion of something made necessary... But there is even more. A complete critic of the social order is trapped in the nutshell of that aphorism. Some power made that night a necessity in the logico-modal sense, i.e. something unavoidable, imposed on us with the weight of some transcendent duty. We politely thank them, but we also show the flag and tell them explicitly that we are not here by choice, that the category of possibility is excluded from the present dynamics. Yogi, just like the wisest of the Greek fatalists, sees with lucidity, and a solid critical sense, the weight of NECESSITY in social gatherings, i.e. in a crucial sample of human interaction. IF YOU COME TO A FORK IN THE ROAD, TAKE IT That other prescriptive one is literally Promethean. The Greek half-god Prometheus challenged the law of the Olympus to give the fire to men against the will and the world order established by the Gods. He is the hero who does not escape the hard task that the fatality placed in front of him. That aphorism is a masterpiece of dialectics. We can only chuckle because our dualist common sense is myopic in its unilaterality to the multiplicity of facets it develops. If we laugh at that aphorism, it is strictly because we see only the two branches of the fork as two exclusive dichotomic oppositive possibilities. We are prisoners of ARISTOTLE's logic of the exclusion of the third... Yogi breaks these Aristotelian chains for us and brings to our limited understanding the critical sense of totality. He faces in a flash all the ramifications of a situation of alternative: the possibility to take one branch, the other, to stop, to go back, to step aside, to face the fork as a whole, etc. And furthermore he makes his claim. A firm Promethean claim. Between the simple and the complex, the known and the unknown, the safe and the risky. Go for the complex, the unknown, the risky: take the fork and turn your back on the straight road. Take the only part of the alternative that will force you to intensify and deepen your analysis of the object faced. But also, always remember that a two options fork has always a multitude of branches. NINETY PERCENT OF THIS GAME IS HALF MENTAL NINETY PER CENT OF THAT GAME IS MENTAL, THE OTHER HALF IS PHYSICAL. This is another very interesting fluctuation in the Berraian logia, and probably the most famous involving that constant propensity to speak in approximated percentages! I see the second formulation presented here as a clownishized version of the first formulation. First of all, organize it the way you want, what you have here is no praxis without theory (LENIN!), no doing without understanding, no action without cognition. It is very important to note the precedence given to the mental in both versions. The FICHTE of the diamond rides again! Now let us compare these two versions. The clownishized version appears as a strict procedure of rhetoric inflation of quantitative measurements. You split the 100% in parts and exceed it. In our common meditations on that logia, my excellent friend Louise RIPLEY quoted often to me the following propaganda statement of the Department of Business & Marketing of Atkinson College (York University): Your task in this university is 40% teaching, 40% research, and 40% service. Let me tell you that there is already nothing so funny about that! But let now inquiry into the non clownishized version of the aphorism. What is said here is that 90% of the actions produced in that game, when taken and evaluated one by one, reveal the involvement of a half and half equilibrium between body and mind. The fact that he is talking about a sport allows to infer that he is compensating here the common sense idea that the game is strictly physical, a bodily activity for big armed morons. Yogi is in no way at fault in his measurements if we stick to the non clownishized version of that logia. Furthermore, his attention given to the mental even permits us to suppose that the last 10% is not necessarily strictly physical! THE FUTURE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE The number of aphorisms involving the notion of time is noticeable. But the FUTURE dealt with here is not flatly chronological. It includes the totality of implications merging out of the representation we make ourselves of the existence to come. The future: the opportunities, the possibilities of achievement, the expectable goals, the hopes, the fancies, the lunacies, the promises. The autobiography of the French Actress Simone SIGNORET was titled Nostalgia is not what it used to be and nobody laughed. The clash to our common sense in Yogi's aphorism here, as opposed to Madame SIGNORET's title, is that he makes his claim about what the future was. He testifies then that the future was and is always present to us, under the form of our intensive activity of prospecting. And America does not prospect the same way it used to. Why, Yogi, you're a fatalist? PITCHING ALWAYS BEATS BATTING - AND VICE VERSA This one is a manifestation of the immense problem of the reversibility or non reversibility of symmetric formulations. The oxymoronic clash is, of course, between always and vice versa. Despite the fact that the current piece is not about baseball we have to mention the fact that this aphorism is addressing the fundamental debate of the dynamics of baseball. Here, Yogi takes his stand on an issue on which every baseball player, every analyst, even every fan has a position taken. To that fundamental question on the dynamics of baseball, Yogi gives a philosophical answer. Two main interpretations can be proposed here. The first one takes the aphorism as a block and suggests that, favoring symmetry and equilibrium, Yogi produced nothing other than the perfect non-committal answer on that sensitive question. Let push the reasoning to its dialectical consequences. PITCHING ALWAYS BEATS BATTING AND BATTING ALWAYS BEATS PITCHING. Then BATTING AND PITCHING ALWAYS BEAT EACH OTHERS. Then THE VICTORY OF PITCHING AND BATTING OVER EACH OTHERS NEVER ENDS. It is like the struggle between life and death. Everybody ends up dying, but there are always more living beings growing and developing themselves. DEATH ALWAYS BEATS LIFE - AND VICE VERSA. There is absolutely nothing laughable about this after all... Now, the second interpretation could be named the asymmetrical one. It does not take the aphorism as a single block. Yogi, say in an interview, is asked to take his stand on the fundamental debate of the dynamics of baseball. He speaks in two phases. He favors strongly pitching over batting in a first blow, and then counterbalances his initial assertion by an abstract symmetrisation in a second blow. After all, and that counts, he did not say BATTING ALWAYS BEATS PITCHING - AND VICE VERSA (I allow myself to presume that nobody will dare anymore to consider this as a pure and complete synonym of the aphorism initially quoted!). The symmetrical dimension verbally introduced in the formulation just at the end by vice versa is partly artificial and looks like some form of last minute patch aiming at hiding the fact that the precedent predication is possibly the genuine opinion of the thinker. After all, he is a catcher, i.e. the thinking brain of the pitching apparatus... The problem raised by this crucial ontological aphorism is complex: symmetry and asymmetry always beat each others... IT AIN'T OVER, TILL ITS OVER The multitude of applications of that immensely classical one is a non equivocal warrant of its philosophical dept. All the Hegelian doctrine of AUFHEBUNG (qualitative change, transformation by steps, evolution by crisis) is here in a superbly bare and percussive ontological statement. In existence, all can suddenly precipitate or radically alterate itself at the very last minute of a given process. No prospective extrapolation is to be judged totally reliable. Subjective forecast is always susceptible to be completely taken by surprise by the shifting complexity of the movement of the objective world. Keep alert. Never take your victory or your defeat for granted. This aphorism completes superbly all the gnoseological positions already taken about predictions. It is also to be narrowly associated to the very Hegelian theory of the last straw breaking the back of the camel. It gives all their dialectical and dramatic signification to the famous Murphy's Laws, as well as to the compulsive fascination and ineradicable hope of American culture for the Happy End. IT AIN'T OVER, TILL ITS OVER is a pure and simple philosophical monument. Synthesizing the Weltanschaaung (vision of the world) of a complete civilization, it is the COGITO ERGO SUM of America. Baseball was worth existing just to generate such a piece of wisdom. ETHICS Without losing his deep sense of dialectics, Yogi shows us sometimes his highly sophisticated sense of axiological meditation i.e. of moral reflection. HALF OF THE LIES THEY TELL US AREN'T TRUE On a pattern with which we begin to get familiar, we are allowed to conclude that it is possible for a lie to be true. Let entertain that hypothesis. A lie can end up true if the liar is clumsy enough to lie about something he mistakenly believes false. If I lie to you, telling you Bob did not eat the cake, Scooter did, my lie can end up true (and my belief mistaken) if Bob, that I nevertheless saw rob the cake, was crook enough to sell it to Scooter, and Scooter selfish enough not to share it! The problem here is a problem of ethics. Which crook will screw the other crook up best. Let observe the dynamics of the aphorism then. Yogi expresses his disappointment toward the fact that these liars are often cold blooded competent liars. In at least half of the cases, they do not make the child-like error I previously mentioned to mistakenly believe in the falsehood of what they lie about. On the contrary, they sincerely lie. They distort the truth with nothing other than a cruel efficiency and their lies end up quite often being effective lies, flatly untrue. We have no chance with them. Their competence in knowing what reality is completes itself with the standard lack of ethics of regular liars. Since we cannot rely on their mistakes to allow the truth to settle, we are doomed to live in a universe of constant suspicion. No transcendent moral of any sort can save us: half of the lies are mistaken, the other half is untrue ALWAYS GO TO OTHER PEOPLE'S FUNERALS, OTHERWISE THEY WON'T COME TO YOURS The intelligence of the moral dimension of a social gestus, such as a funeral, is very solidly articulated here. Let start with the defunct himself or herself and let apply to him or her the Klingon motto on death: he or she is an empty shell now. He or she should be treated as such. Materialist to the bones, Yogi understands here that funerals are not funeral for the defunct. The defunct is as stiff as the wood of the coffin. The genuine dimension of any participation to a funeral is the formulation of compassion toward the family of the defunct. In that logic other people's funeral is to be interpreted as the meeting or wake of the peers of a certain defunct, and yours is to be interpreted as the same ceremony in which you are peer yourself. The focus on the stiffs, that perverted common sense evidence, is totally avoided here. Now the claim is that that type of event is painful enough that, in good moral, we have to make the effort to participate to the one that afflicts the others so that the others will reciprocate and come to the one where our own affliction is expressed. It is only for the ones who believe that funerals does not heal the living but involves the deads, that the present aphorism sounds like an abrupt absurdity. AESTHETICS Marginally, other aspects of thought are also present in Yogi BERRA's aphorisms. About the opera TOSCA, written in 1900 by PUCCINI, after a play written in 1887 by SARDOU , Yogi is supposed to have said: I REALLY LIKED IT. EVEN THE MUSIC WAS NICE. Well, that is an excellent summary of North-American apprehension of an art like opera. The postulate here is that an opera is unlikely to be interesting or pleasant, period (notice the tone of surprise of the aphorism!). Furthermore, in an opera, the music and the singing are going to be the most distasteful elements, and, if you are lucky enough, the scenario and the dialogues will save the show (Yogi speaks Italian fluently, as we know already. The booklet of TOSCA was written by ILLICA and GIACOSA, and the story is sad but could be considered somewhat thrilling if you understand the language subtleties). Yogi is foreign to an art like opera and does not lie about it. His attitude is sincere, non elitist, and a genuine sample of North American Aesthetic. Furthermore the music of TOSCA has the reputation to be superficial, according to the top shot specialists of that art. That simply means that there are a couple of quite fun tunes in that gig. Yogi obviously noticed them! LINGUISTICS: Finally, trust me on that one. The recent trends of descriptive and theoretical linguistics are heading big time toward the discovery of the strange but unavoidable reality of the negation of reference in language: I DIDN'T SAY THE THINGS I SAID No he did not. He did more, less, better, and worse. He acted brilliantly, spoke diligently his thought. Cut our breath and made us reach the unexpected intellectual mysteries constantly covered up by gross laugh and arrogant common sense. For that, of course, he paid what the buffoons, the poets and the philosophers had to pay during centuries: banishment from the drab and dusty Hall of Fame of Metaphysics. But the elitist intellectual bean counters and their various flunkies that broom the bookshelves of such an intellectual mausoleum can kiss the ass of the universal order. Yogi BERRA drank his hemlock straight with a couple of hot-dogs in the company of the millions of other vernacular philosophers that he managed to make think geometrically, algorithmically and dialectically in the gigantic stadiums of North American class society. He became the myth he is, and did not even have to melodramatically die ˆ la Socrates for it. Long live within all of us Yogi BERRA and the sharp and vivid unconventional twisted pitch of his philosophical voice. REFERENCES AND COMPLEMENTARY SOURCES WEB SITES: Famous Yogi Berra Quotes Quotable Quotes Yogi Quotes Best of Net Quotes Yogi-isms Pepe, Phil. THE WIT AND WISDOM OF YOGI BERRA., New York: St. Martin's Press, 1989, ISBN 0312925840 De Bourbon, Caucus. YOGI BERRA: THE QUOTABLE CAREER, San Diego, CA: Revolutionary Comics, 1993 {}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} ************************************************************************ POETRY & PROSE FEATURING: BEN OHMART, KYUNG-SOO HO & CHRISTOPHER STOLLE ************************************************************************ BEN OHMART The Janitor gets arrested I didn't know why. No one said anything. Just, suddenly, there was this new guy I had to ask every time I'd lost my keys, it was often. He was short, white, I think, and he had a little hair above his ears, that was all. He spoke with an American accent that made me blue about not getting around more. I couldn't place it. But I could see him in gay San Diego. The police questioned some of us. I was lucky because he'd opened the door so often for me, so I was asked if I'd noticed anything strange. If Jim had ever displayed any violent tendencies in front of me. I said no, but that I don't really pay attention to people. He was there to produce the key that opened everything. That was all. I asked what had he done. Cop showed me pictures of Jim's room in the cellar, I suppose to win my confidence, maybe make me open up more? The pictures showed Jim's place completely overcome with mouse pads. All sizes, designs, some were free giveaways for subscribing, most were documenting some movie or beautiful woman. It was horrible. What a wasted life. No wonder he was in trouble with the cops. But it wasn't my problem. I had a life, and I wasn't about to get pulled in for not having one. You thought it was work keeping up a relationship in the 20th century, you should try hanging on to someone when you get fined for being single. And Beth is too independent, she believes in rights and all this crap so she's not going to mind being pulled over for being alone. She'd pay the money on principle, and not promise the judge to get a boyfriend. It's only her love for me that's going to matter any. Stupid laws. I came in and fixed the flowers just right or wrong. It was difficult. My girl was one of those who doesn't laugh in the right places in movies or will laugh right before the real laugh, as if she knows what's going to happen. I would say she laughs out loud to show the others how smart she is, but she doesn't care. She cares about being a doctor and making this relationship work. Well, I care about not going to jail, so I laid on the red roses thick, covering up the plates, not getting too close to the candles. I put some Tony Martin Unplugged on the battery-op't radio. Everything was lovely, perfect, and looked good.. I waited about 5 hours, then I ate. I was in the middle of the last course, which is always the salad for me, when she came home covered in another man's blood. I got heated and hot and demanded to know whose blood it was. "Cool it," was all I got. I had to cool it, so I blew out the candles and waited. She always came home with these depressing stories of how horrible her world is, and what tough life/death decisions she had to make. I don't know what she wanted from me. I didn't know these people. I didn't care. I know it sounds hard, but disease research programs are never started by rich guys with no-sick ties. They've got a reason to care. As per usual, she slipped off her wide shirt and let me knead her tight, bare shoulders. She was lovely, pretty much, but she was cute foremost. That's the most important thing with me. If you're cute, you have beauty, it's just cast in a different word. She listened to the music. There was nothing of rock base here, we got the sound system to relax. She did the same. All I ever did at work was pack electronic equipment. There was no blood involved. "What did you do today?" she asked. I told her. It was stupid and it involved cardboard. "I had two necks to set. Some kind of fight. And I had cops looking over me, horny as hell to take them off me. I had to fight them too." "That's interesting." "Not as much as this little girl. She'd broken her leg, but when I did the prelim, it was obvious there was abuse involved. I did a page to see if the cops were still there, no. I asked the little girl about it, and she told me to fuck off." "Did you fuck off?" She was growing bored by all this. Beth stood, and yawned. I could see the flab of her stomach rolls melt upward into her buoyant breasts. Out of the right nipple was a long black hair. I always cut that prick at night, when she was sleeping. It was time to do some editing again. "Is there any left?" she asked, seeing the table and all the dying flowers. "I'll warm you up something." "Don't bother." She was mad at me tonight. Or at the world. Who knows, hard to figure professionals out sometime. If she really cared enough about humanity, wouldn't she include me in on it? Give me some bedside manner? She fought me all the way to bedtime on things that didn't matter, but it was good for her. Put her right out, drained. In the morning she was gone before my alarm went off for the first time. I thought she should live at the hospital. I was going to bring it up that night. //////////\\\\\\\\\\ Contacts and Eye so she put her hair in a bottle her eye on the commercial her nose in the knife, her child held for a few years thinking this is what I wanted stomach in knots and sucked face wrenched until she strips it I keep telling her but she doesn't get it //////////\\\\\\\\\\ CD-ROM of my Girlfriend I said over-twice I didn't mind but then when I go in the book and media store to look for something that will help with my taxes our taxes I see her smiling on the box, and how there's only one left, and I think about the men who have bought her work her time my patience Ben Ohmart ~~~~~ KYUNG-SOO HO stream of Streaks of clouds pass, Like Streamers Falling. I am overwhelmed by nothingness Pressing all around me. I fall with the Streamers Their crimson shades covering my body in red. Emptiness pervades me, Burrowing beneath my skin, Through every pore, Constricting its coils about me, Its rattling Crashing Into the glass surface of my drums As it shatters In a perfect chaotic order Which I scurry into, In safety, Huddled in my den of iron and stone. A Spark of light Reaches out Its tentacled rays, Piercing my eyes, Forcing them to turn towards it In a never-ending game of tag Which swirls and grows Till I am blinded by hailstones Of primaries, Crowding ceaselessly Together, Joining and breaking in rivulets. I move motionlessly, My arms sweeping out To prevent the stinging Pain of crimson streamers Which now whip at my body As I move unnaturally· Snatching at the air In frenzied decision, I reach out my hands To the cold surface Of iron bars Which glare at me Through their stone visor. Kyung-Soo Ho ~~~~~ CHRISTOPHER STOLLE PRIESTS AND NUNS Swinging like apes on lanky tree branches This is the folly we followed into the drowning night Tracing broken steps into dead silence Looking for possible ways to kill reality And as the singer laid down in his tune's chorus He could see the sun beating his reflection in a lake Smoking a cigarette with the classical twist of breath Trying to make everything we see look on fire Naked mermaids floating by the dock smile in their eyes And the old man wishes he knew something about love In the twinkling fright of each dying star, we grow a little But we will never find a way to turn into cartoon characters God must have been a woman to create this world But men have turned it upside down with their war And if we keep slipping toward the isolated island We'll all have to pretend we're priests and nuns March 5, 1997 //////////\\\\\\\\\\ GREED AND PRIDE drunks are coherent hearing only what I say remembering an argument, not creating one as the alcohol waifs like each candle i light. the phone rings i'm dizzy with thoughts weak with my words as if in a flashback thinking of suicides as well as every mother fucker i've had to deal with. all these asinine people never know about me as i sit here alone listening to lou reed a man i'd like to meet i'm going to see ralph nader he's a hero of mine. as i look at myself i wonder what hero i'll be with a cigar in my mouth surrounded by celebrities in publicity photos to promote this and that. i wonder if i could be a legend eating peanut butter sandwiches, drinking generic orange soda pop. i may consider it all shit but i know someday it might change have to have that option have to have that umbrella to guide the rain away from my eyes. i look out the window to see clouds in immobile shapes swallowed up by shadows. the headlights in my eyes the memories in my soul when i saw an accident in chicago or the time we returned from florida, my sister's best friend was killed i heard she cried at the wake. but some men know existence some men know how to smile while the prim and proper fall orchestras playing melodies in their heads it is the only music they know. denying the rights of victims fighters of all the wars looking at me, the general, as we hold a coup on the democracy of the u.s. so lennon got his revolution so did lenin but stalin and chapman reaped the rewards they took all the acclaim they telephoned all their friends to boast the neglected was dead these legends were dead the greedy bastards took lives lives that the devil held in his hands but only for a moment before mohammed reincarnated them into two unknown flowers. i knelt down at gideon's tomb he called me, i cried man, i cried for hours then the virgin mary disrobed i kissed her breasts sweet as wine, sweet as love took out my golden ax to carved her name in an apple tree she left me for another guy damn, the bitch, and joseph was his name. but i walked on in my dreams making love to starlets and idols but my true desire was kathy ireland she had my son in 1991 unbeknownst to the media world. i see my son every month or so support him with my money the cash i make as a writer making people laugh and think. god, if i just had the answer to whatever i wanted to know i could say fuck it all make myself life dictator of earth fuck any girl i wanted but what good is that when we hold dictionaries in church while eating bananas on cold days. the prophet cursed me with his cross told me to get my laundry from the dryer just wasting electricity he was gone with the flick of a knuckle but the blood was rich in flavor. the miracle was reversed the ku klux klan burned the house down ashes to ashes, dust to dust. god pissed in the bushes rejected moses' commandments neighbors in the sky had his wife suck down his semen i had to gaze, i had to stare. my eyes glazed with a woman's vagina my cock erect and waiting her every move my trouble my only fright my fears were my chants inhibitions, my captains and soldiers i made love to a woman tonight love in the sense of hate. we watched the sun set from the fountain the trees swaying so our eyes could see but i'm not a meter, telling time i'm not the foliage on those trees i'm not the smoke that fills my hallways. in my mind, there are the sinners, the keepers of the orchards somewhere in the middle is me with every girl i've ever known, every guy i've ever known walking right behind me or right in front of me. tombstones for ghosts the graveyard a heaven for heroes and legends who is buried here, who has yet to die where will the needle point next which dial will call up your name. hey there, blue eyes, seep away like the water in the gutter the feces, the deeds, the jitters hitting every decibel, every grate a special twang i enjoy. this is dedicated to the masses in particular a few dozen see if your name is here but alas, it is not, my prayer ended just as i was struck by a thought that if i become famous i'd have to act like a role model but i've got little understanding of that for all i have is greed and pride. Christopher Stolle {}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} ************************************************************************ NIKE'S POETRY SLAM... by C.J. Janovy Originally published in PitchWeekly ************************************************************************ Get ready for some of the most manipulative, cliche-ridden and sickeningly sweet media in a long while. It's time for the Olympics. I'm not talking about stunning shots of awesome athletic performances. There's nothing like watching the Olympics for the simple fascination of seeing inordinately strong, fast and focused individuals battle their own past accomplishments, or the thrill of new phenomena such as women's hockey teams. The Olympics are a great excuse for the most jaded TV hater to indulge in a couple of weeks on the couch. Unfortunately, the experience comes with more and more high-sugar, high-fat, junk-food television. If CBS's coverage is anything like NBC's during the Summer 1996 Olympics, viewers will have to suffer through overwrought made-for-TV minimovies milking every possible off-slope, off-rink human drama o' the minute. But the biggest offender this winter might be Nike. As local readers of The Progressive may already know, the ubiquitous athletic-wear titan known for its dramatic commercials -- and increasingly, for its despicable use of sweatshop labor in Third World countries -- has been planning a new advertising venture into hipness-for-the-sake-of-money. As Progressive editor Matthew Rothschild reported in January, Nike's advertising agency apparently approached several poets, including Mart’n Espada (an English professor and member of The Progressive's editorial advisory board), whose work is distinctly political, about participating in an ad campaign for the Olympics. The ad agency, Goodby, Silverstein & Partners of San Francisco, hoped to "celebrate the poetry of competition and athletics by using your words." Espada faxed PitchWeekly a copy of Goodby, Silverstein's proposal: "This year's Winter Olympic Games in Nagano, Japan will be unlike any before. Women will compete in greater numbers, and in more sports. And for perhaps the first time, a large number of female competitors will be athletes who grew up feeling empowered, supported and equal to their male counterparts when it came to athletic opportunities, facilities and training." "We would like to celebrate four of the most remarkable of the new women athletes in a series of commercial films that will run during the Olympic telecasts. And we'd like to do it through the eyes of artists like yourselves. You each have a voice, outlook and perspective on the world that we feel mirrors in some fashion, the spirit these athletes possess." "Read the accompanying biographies of Picabo Street, Dawn Staley, Cammi Granato and Mia Hamm. Watch the videotapes. If you don't know these athletes now, we feel sure you'll soon find them unique: uniquely committed to the rigors of sport at the highest levels, uniquely aware of their roles in history." "Then write about them. Or each of them. Or all of them at once. It could be about their roles in the world of sports, their individual styles, the significance of their contributions." That was the pitch. It was quickly followed by the hitch: "(Y)ou are free to write anything you want. We will not censor your thoughts or opinions or feelings. You don't have to write about shoes or even mention Nike...(For legal reasons, you should not include references to the Olympics, Games or medals. And keep in mind TV network standards and practices regarding content and language.)" "It must be possible for your poem to be read out loud in less than 30 seconds. (Otherwise, we may have to edit your piece for time.) Unfortunately, the mechanics of commerce outweigh the demands of art in this instance." Espada's response, which he also faxed to PitchWeekly, succinctly articulated all that's wrong with Nike and its insidious advertising. "I could reject your offer based on the fact that your deadline is ludicrous (i.e., ten days from the above date)," Espada wrote. "A poem is not a Pop-Tart." "I could reject your offer based on the fact that I would not be free to write whatever I want...since I must 'keep in mind TV network standards and practices regarding content and language.' You clearly have no idea what the word 'censorship' means. Where, as you put it, 'the mechanics of commerce outweigh the demands of art,' then de facto censorship will flourish." "I could reject your offer based on the fact that, to make this offer to me in the first place, you must be totally and insultingly ignorant of my work as a poet, which strives to stand against all that you and your client represent..." "I could reject your offer based on the fact that your client, Nike, has through commercials such as these outrageously manipulated the youth market, so that even low-income adolescents are compelled to buy products they do not need at prices they cannot afford." "Ultimately, however, I am rejecting your offer as a protest against the brutal labor practices of Nike. I will not associate myself with a company that engages in the well-documented exploitation of workers in sweatshops...(T)ake the $2,500 you now dangle before me and distribute that money equally among the laborers in an Asian sweatshop doing business with Nike." I don't know whether any of these ads will actually air during the Olympics (the producer at Goodby, Silverstein who'd approached Espada was out of her office the week of my deadline). But that's not the point. What's so disgusting -- beyond the slimy manipulation of women athletes -- is the ad agency's obvious misunderstanding of concepts such as art and censorship, and its assumption about how readily the services of artists can be purchased to help Nike sell its swoosh. The more one knows about Nike labor practices, the harder it is to watch Nike ads. And knowing how Nike's ad agency works is almost enough to make one read a book of poetry instead of watching the Olympics. {}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} ************************************************************************ CONTRIBUTORS TO THIS ISSUE... ************************************************************************ ALAN SONDHEIM is a nationally-recognized writer and cyberspace theorist who comoderates three email lists, Cybermind, Fiction-of-Philosophy, and E-conf (electronic conferencing), on the Internet. He has published over a hundred and twenty articles, and has lectured at a number of venues on the Internet and Information Highway. He teaches and lectures on issues of on-line culture and community at various venues, including Lang College at the New School for Social Research. He has an M.A. from Brown University and currently lives in Fukuoka, Japan. PAUL LAURENDEAU is an associate professor in linguistics at the department of French Studies, York University. Influenced by the thought of Spinoza, Diderot, and Marx, he is currently working on a book titled MATERIALISM AND RATIONALITY (PHILOSOPHY FOR THE SOCIAL ACTIVIST). Describing himself as a materialist rationalist atheist, Laurendeau formulates the religious debate in philosophical terms in the tradition of the progressive struggle against the mystical and irrationalist tendencies of philosophical idealism. His previous contributions to TAF include On a Philosophical Implication of the Astronomical Big Bang Theory, from TAF issue #1, The Doom Of Religion, from TAF issue #2, I Stink, Therefore I Am from TAF issue #3, and An Email Debate from TAF issue #4. BEN OHMART has had 100s of stories and poems in zines and journals, and had 4 plays produced last year. His lyrics will be on 2 CDs this year, 1 a gothic album, the other a rock album. He's currently writing films, with hopes of having one done in Malaysia soon, and is also trying to break into the prison of television. He's white, 26, single and loves British comedy. He lives in Boalsburg, PA, right next to PSU, and enjoys watching rabbits eat his garbage. KYUNG-SOO HO is a York University English M.A. student. He is a 26 year old Korean Canadian. He has published his works in various magazines, but this is his first piece on the net. CHRISTOPHER STOLLE (aka The Poet Man) is a senior at Indiana University majoring in journalism and education. He has published poems extensively throughout the U.S. and overseas. His previous contribution to TAF include 3 poems from TAF Issue #3 MORBUS is a prolific writer who enjoys many things... he relishes in creating something HE likes, which is often hard to do. He feels the need to fill gaps in areas best left alone. The founder of Disobey, he is often very tired and has enough to do already. His real name is Kevin Hemenway. He currently lives in Concord, New Hampshire. JOEL MCNAMARA is a security/privacy consultant who's been using the Net for the past 15 years. C.J. JANOVY is an assistant editor and media critic at Pitchweekly, Kansas City's alternative newsweekly. C.J.'s work has also appeared in The Progressive, Ms., the New York Times and New Letters (fiction). C.J. also teaches English Composition part time at Kansas City area community colleges. {}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{} The Annihilation Fountain & TAF Copyright c 1997-99 Neil MacKay http://www.capnasty.org/taf/ the_annihilation_fountain@iname.com